The Munsters (1964) s01e13 Episode Script

Family Portrait

[Man] Now, this is what we sent them: "Out of 800,000 subscribers to our magazine, our research computers have selected you as the average American family.
" We've repeated that: "Average American family.
"You'll receive $5,000, and our magazine will do a full picture story on your family.
Details to follow.
" Who'd the wire go to, Mr.
Morgan? We sent it to "Mr.
And Mrs.
Herman Munster, Isn't it wonderful, Herman? They say we Munsters fit the average family statistics almost to a "T.
" It's quite an honor for our family to be chosen, and that $5,000 prize will come in handy too.
And it's going to be a cover story.
Can't you just see it? Our picture in homes all over the country.
Why, with your good looks and my handsome features, I'm sure we'll be a smash.
[Shatters] [Chuckles] Well, now.
According to the second telegram, a photographer and a reporter will arrive tomorrow to spend the weekend.
Oh, good.
That'll give me time to hang my new drapes in the guest room.
We want to put on a good front for these people.
- I'm gonna get my best suit down and take it down to be pressed.
- Good idea.
- Oh, and while you're there, have your head blocked.
- Yes, dear.
Oh, and Marilyn, why don't you go down to the beauty parlor and get fixed up.
Ooh, you might get them to give you a vulture egg shampoo.
Yes, Aunt Lily, I will.
Good.
Dad? Yes, Eddie? I'll comb the snarls out of Spotty.
And, uh, Grandpa, what are you gonna do to get ready for this happy event? What am I going to do? I'm gonna get out of here.
That's what I'm going to do.
Grandpa! Grandpa, don't you realize what an honor it is to be selected the "Average American Family"? Think what it'll do for our standing in the community and how Eddie's playmates will all begin to notice him.
Honor? Why, it's an insult to the family name to be called average.
I happen to be a genuine count, with the blood of princes and dukes flowing in my veins.
Grandpa, that was in the Old Country.
Here in America, no one cares about royal blood.
Spoilsports! Well, when that reporter and photographer get here, I for one am making myself scarce, and I'm just the one who can do it.
[Coughs, Grumbles] This ruins everything.
We were chosen by statistics.
We have to show two children, a pet, an aged grandfather and a bird.
- [Caws] Who? Me? - Not you, stupid.
I mean Igor.
I feel just awful about Grandpa acting this way.
I could just lie down and die Ohh.
Again.
Grandpa, I wanna talk to you.
Herman, you can talk yourself green in the face.
I will have nothing to do with being part of an average American family.
It may be the way you're made, but it is not the way I'm made.
Grandpa, give me one good reason why you're against it.
Well, think what this kind of publicity would do to my life story.
Why, if everybody knows me as the typical old grandpa next door, who will believe the fantastic life that I've written about? Grandpa, when those reporters show up, I insist you be here.
I won't! I won't! I won't! If you make me, I'll turn into a bone and bury myself in the backyard.
Last time you did that, the neighbors' dog dug you up, and we had a terrible time getting you back.
I don't care.
I won't be here.
When those men show up, you are not leaving the house, you understand? All right.
I promise I won't leave the house.
Good.
Don't worry, Herman.
I won't leave the house.
But as we used to say in Transylvania, there's more than one way to skin a bat.
[Igor Squeaking] All right.
All right.
Why is everybody around here so sensitive? You're booked on the morning flight, and don't forget, fellas: We want real coverage and depth on this average family.
Togetherness and heart in words and pictures.
I think we oughta play it for laughs, satirize the whole thing.
You're all wrong, as usual, Chip.
This is right up my alley.
All heart, these people my kind of people.
I don't care how you handle it.
Just bring me back a story and pictures plenty of pictures.
And for once, see if you two can agree on something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll get great pictures.
"Mr.
Munster polishing his car.
This fascinating shot was taken at a great personal risk in a cockpit of a speeding power mower.
" Look.
Stop playing the big-shot war correspondent, will ya? The boss is right.
These are real people down-to-earth, heartland stuff.
- Why, I might even get a Pulitzer Prize out of this.
- Why don't you knock it off, Len? You sound like Chester Morris on the late, late, late show.
Grandpa? Uh, Grandpa? Oh, Grandpa? I can't imagine where he is.
He knows the reporters are coming this afternoon.
I guess he's gone somewhere, but the question is when'll he come back? [Cawing] Nevermore.
Will you stay out of this? Uncle Herman, I think he's trying to tell us something.
[Caws] "Dear Mr.
And Mrs.
Average, Igor and I have flown the coop.
Sorry we can't be there for the picture-taking.
Grandpa.
'" [Grumbles] And he promised me he wouldn't leave the house.
Why, when those men show up and find that one of our statistics is missing, he's liable to call the whole deal off.
Now we'll lose the prize money.
Oh, and we were so looking forward to that vacation cruise on the Dead Sea.
Fiddlesticks! [Crash] Now, Herman! Listen.
The people from the magazine won't be here for a while.
Maybe you can find Grandpa before they get here.
Yes.
And I know all his haunts.
Now, when those men come here, Marilyn, you show them to their room and make some excuse for us.
Don't worry about a thing.
You just go out and find Grandpa.
Right.
We'll check all the places where he hangs out.
Come Come, Lily.
Don't tell me this is it.
Well, the place where we rented the car said this was the street.
There's the number: 1313.
House Beautiful it ain't.
I've seen direct hits that looked better than this.
Let's go see if Ma and Pa Kettle are home.
[Wind Whistling] [Wolf Howling] [Door Knocker Banging] Hey, Chip, let's call the home office.
Something's wrong here.
I don't see anything very average about this.
Neither do I.
Miss Munster? I'm Marilyn Munster.
You must be the men from Event Magazine.
Yes.
Right, right.
ChipJohnson.
Lennie Bates.
Words.
Pictures.
How you doin'? Won't you come in, please? Thank you.
Are you in a hurry to start taking pictures? Oh, no.
No need to get down to business so soon.
Good.
Then I'll show you to your room.
I suppose you're wondering where the rest of the family is.
Frankly, it hadn't even entered my head.
Well, they'll be back soon.
"Be back soon.
" What a doll! Maybe Grandpa got hungry.
Sometimes he comes here to grab a bite.
You wait here.
I'll see if he's in there.
[All Screaming] Was Grandpa in there? No.
The place is empty.
They must serve terrible food.
Well, let's keep looking.
Grandpa goes down here once in a while to enjoy the damp earth.
I'll see if he's down there.
Grandpa? Oh, Grandpa? [Man's Voice] He ain't here.
Okay.
Okay.
S'all right? S'all right.
Grandpa sometimes comes here to feed the wolves.
I tell you, Mr.
Morgan.
This place is weird.
I think we oughta call it off.
Research must have goofed this one.
Nonsense.
Our computers are never wrong.
They're infallible.
Why, they picked my last three wives for me.
All right.
So So the place is a little run-down.
I mean, what do you what do you expect the average family to live in? Huh? The Taj Mahal? Hey.
We met the niece.
She's a doll.
Now, the rest of the family's gotta be great.
[Chip] Well, you don't get candy apples off a lemon tree.
Look, you boys come back here with a story, and check it all out.
Make sure that family satisfies our computer to a "T.
" I want pets, kids and grandfather.
One thing wrong, and it's off.
And keep Lennie off the you-know-what.
Now, don't worry.
Lennie doesn't have a pint of the you-know-what on him.
- Everything is under control.
- Mr.
Bates, your room is ready.
But really under control.
[Engine Idling] Well, we've checked all of Grandpa's hangouts.
Where could he be? I think we should've looked for him out at Rose Lawn Memorial Park.
Lily, that's 10 miles as the hearse drives.
Well, he often goes out there to pick up a flower for his buttonhole.
All right.
We'll just have to start looking for him again early in the morning.
It'll mean good-bye to $5,000 if we can't produce him for those pictures.
How could a man who's 400 years old act so childish? Now, where could he be? [Squeaking] [Grandpa] Well, Igor, I promised I wouldn't leave the house, and I didn't.
[Cackles] We'll just hang around up here until those men from the magazine have gone.
[Squeaking] Shh.
Will you be quiet, Igor? They'll hear us.
Just play dead.
So, your folks collect antiques, huh? Antiques fascinate me.
Tell me more.
Maybe you'd like to see some of them? Yes.
Yes.
Especially if they're stuck away in some dark corner.
Well, on second thought, it's getting a little late.
I wonder what's keeping your partner.
Oh, he has to unpack all those cameras.
[Creaking] It certainly is a marvelous antique.
What's it called? "Early San Quentin"? [Lennie] Chip.
! Oh, there's the reprieve from the governor.
Well, don't go away, doll.
I'll be right back.
Well, I think I'll say good night now, but I'll see you in the morning.
Okay.
[Low Chuckle] Good night.
What do you want? I was just beginning to soften her up.
Chip, there's something awfully wrong here.
A man got onto this thing and then turned into a suit of armor.
[Heavy Clank] I suppose the next thing you're gonna tell me is you saw little men.
Well, I was afraid to mention it before, but when we first came in, I did see one run across the hall and then later, he ran up the stairs.
My boy, you need a good night's rest.
It's discouraging, Herman.
Grandpa is just nowhere around.
I know.
How many places are there in a town like this where a man can bury himself? When I think of losing that $5,000, it makes me so mad I could blow my top! Well, don't do that, dear.
It's always so messy.
What are you doin' with the binoculars? No, thank you.
Now, put that away, will you? No wonder you've been seeing little men.
Now, come on.
Let's go to bed.
We don't wanna look like a couple of weirdos when we meet the rest of the family, hmm? Put it away.
[Pats Back] [Yawning] Chip.
Chip.
Chip, wake up.
Huh? Huh? What's the matter? What's the matter? There's a monster in the hall.
Lennie, ya big dope, will you stay out of the binoculars? I saw it; I swear it! He's about seven foot tall, and his head is bolted to his neck, and he's wearing a nightshirt.
I saw it.
Come on.
I swear.
I swear.
Come on.
All right! All right! Let go.
[Lennie] Isn't it awful? It's frightening.
But it was there! I'm gonna take you to a psychiatrist.
Chip, I swear it.
I saw it.
I swear I saw it.
If you weren't dreaming, what were you doing at the door in the first place? I was going to get a glass of water.
Well, the big, bad bogeyman's gone.
Go get your water.
Eddie, are you in bed? [Eddie] Yes, but I can't stay awake.
You'll be able to.
Just lie there with your eyes open, dear.
[Muttering, Indistinct] I'm getting out of here.
Now, look here.
What do you wanna do? Get us both fired? I'll tell ya what I'll do.
Wait a minute.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
We'll go through the whole house together.
[Grumbling] No.
I'll prove to you that there's nothing here but a gorgeous creature named Marilyn and her harmless, average American family.
Okay? I'll be with you every minute.
Okay.
Come on.
Gee, you certainly go through an awful lot, Lily, to make yourself beautiful just to go to bed.
Anything for you, pussycat.
[Door Opening, Closing] Did you hear that? Hmm? It's downstairs.
Oh.
Good.
- It's burglars.
Herman, you go down and have a look.
- Do I have to? Of course! Go down and scare them off! Me? Scare them off? How? Herman.
All right.
Just a moment.
Oh, will you hurry? All right.
Just let me see if it's loaded.
Come on! I'm going.
I'm going.
[Chip] It's a little far out, but you don't see any monsters, do you? [Lennie] So far.
I'm sure I heard footsteps.
Let's look in there.
[Chip] You see, there's nothing unusual in here, right? Hey, look.
Aww.
Nice kitty.
[Roars] Careful.
Looks like an electric chair.
Let's get out of here.
It might be plugged in.
Well, you gotta admit we didn't find anything, right? [Footsteps Approaching] Hmm.
I guess you're right.
[Footsteps Grow Louder] What's that? It's just our own footsteps, ya dope.
Our own footsteps, huh? Then how come they're still walkin'? We'll look back together.
Shh.
See, ya big dope? You got me doin' it now.
It's just your imagination.
- [Lily Screams] - [Both Scream] - Help! Grandpa! - [Men Muttering, Screaming] It's me, Chip.
- [Screams] - Herman! - No! Not Grandpa! The burglars! - [Herman Muttering] [Gasps] It's me! Ohh.
Ohh.
[Both Screaming] Aunt Lily, Uncle Herman, what happened? There were burglars in the house, dear.
We just chased them off.
[Car Zooming Away] Burglars? Those were the two men from Event Magazine.
Oh, bats! There goes our $5,000, Herman.
Well, I guess there's only one thing to do.
Oh, darn.
I forgot.
[Laughing] - [Lennie On Phone] But, boss, they are monsters.
- Yeah, yeah.
I saw them.
It was horrible.
Look.
You boys have been at that binocular case too much.
Now, you get back there and get that picture, or you're both fired! Well, you heard the man.
Back we go.
[Lennie] Four lenses cracked before I got it.
I finally used the strongest one we had, the one for elephant stampedes.
It's magnificent.
Hmm? What? Look, we have shown the average American family celebrating New Year's, Christmas, Mother's Day, the Fourth ofJuly and Susan B.
Anthony's birthday, but this is the first time we have ever shown the average American family celebrating Halloween.
Boys, you are brilliant.
Send a check to the Munsters and pick up a $1,000 bonus from the cashier.
And congratulations.
[Chortles] [Lily] Isn't it a beautiful picture, Herman? Mm.
Yeah, but but look what it says here: "America's Average Family Celebrates Halloween.
" Halloween? What are they talking about? This is the way we look every day of the year.
Yeah, on Halloween, we put on masks and try to frighten people.
Wait a minute.
It's a mistake.
They switched headlines.
Here's the Halloween picture: "The Pierpont van Schuylers in their latest family portrait.
" Why, that's the weirdest bunch of trick-or-treaters I ever saw.
How could a magazine like that make such a mistake? Say, Herman, you think maybe we could sue them? Oh Oh, my goodness, no.
I think we should just be good sports and laugh it off.
- Laugh it off? - Why, sure, Lily.
We're not just the plain old Munsters anymore, you know.
We're the average American family, and I think we owe it to our country to keep our sense of humor.