The Munsters (1964) s01e21 Episode Script

Don't Bank on Herman

Lily, don't you think Marilyn should be up in bed? I mean, she looks terrible with all that color in her cheeks and everything.
She was sent home from school about an hour ago.
Oh! She has a fever 98.
But But isn't that normal, Aunt Lily? Oh, heavens, no.
Uh, we Munsters average in the low 50s.
Hey, Dad.
Grandpa's down in the dungeon waiting to mix up a cure.
Grandpa, now hear this.
I read you, Herman.
High fever.
High fever.
And I feel so low.
Feels very low.
Feels very low.
Feels very low.
Feels very low.
[Chuckles] That oughta lift her spirits.
Tell him to forget it.
Tell him to forget it.
Grandpa, forget it.
Oh, I guess you're right about Grandpa's cures.
He should either give up medicine or take up practice in California.
Oh, you poor dear.
We'd better put her upstairs in bed before Grandpa has her floating all over the neighborhood.
Can I help you, Lily? Oh, no, thank you, dear.
Oh, yes.
Uh Uh, maybe.
Uh, Marilyn was going to the bank for me.
Do you think I could trust you to make a withdrawal? Trust me? How could a levelheaded, conscientious fellow like me get in trouble at the bank? Oh, Herman, here's the bankbook.
It's just a simple withdrawal.
Yes, dear.
Uh, but I think you'd better take Grandpa to the bank with you.
Well, I would prefer to make a withdrawal at the blood bank, but I guess you can't have everything.
Now, Herman, Yes, dear.
The withdrawal slip is all made out.
We have a tax installment due Right.
So we need all the money from the tax account.
Uh, draw out all the money.
Uh, my hat, please.
Thank you.
And, Herman Yes, dear? Bring it straight back here.
[Chuckles Softly] Gotcha.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
Grover? Yes, Williams.
I just had another report on those masked bandits who've been terrorizing this side of town.
They held up our main office this morning.
We may be next.
They the ones with the Halloween masks? Yes, those hideous disguises are their trademark.
I'll warn all my tellers, sir.
Okay, but these men are always heavily armed, and I don't want anybody hurt.
You know my rule here.
If this bank is held up, you tell our people to turn over the money.
That's much better than having one of our personnel or our customers shot.
Okay, Mr.
I'll inform the tellers.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes, sir? May I help [Gasps] I'd like all the money.
Uh, miss, would you put it in a bag or something? It It's hard to carry loose like that.
Oh, thank you, miss.
Uh, you give very quick service.
It's a pleasure doing business with you.
You know, Herman, I didn't realize Lily had that much money in her tax account.
I know.
As the hipsters say, that's quite a bagful of bread.
Maybe you oughta count it while we're waiting for Lily.
Count it? Good idea.
Good idea.
They might have robbed us.
Herman, I have some news for you.
Yes, dear? We only had $680 in our tax account.
Really? Really.
You know what this means, now, don't you? Yes, I do, dear.
It means our bank gives a very generous rate of interest.
It means, Herman, that you have goofed it again.
But, Lily, "goofed it"? What do you mean I goofed it? What happened? Oh! Don't you "But, Lily" me.
All right.
I'll tell you exactly what happened.
This afternoon, a certain party went to the bank with a bankbook showing $680 in the account, hmm? Mm-hmm.
And a withdrawal slip made out for $680.
Now, what did this certain party do? Did he come home with $680? No, he did not.
This featherbrained klutz came home with $18,300 that didn't belong to him.
That's what he did.
Now, what would you have to say to that? I would say that was a remarkable coincidence.
Because, you know, the same thing happened to me.
Hmm? You are the featherbrained klutz to whom I was referring.
Oh, l l I was? I mean, you were? I mean Oh.
Well, golly, Lily.
You don't have to put all the blame on me.
L I mean, your own father was along with me, you know.
And he's not half as big a uh, what what you said as I am.
And anyway, when the lady at the bank gave us all that money, I couldn't just start counting it right there, 'cause she might have thought I didn't trust her.
Then she might have gotten angry at me, started yelling and everything.
Well l-I'm sorry, dear.
I guess it wasn't all your fault.
I don't know how it happened, but I do know one thing.
You've just got to take that money back to the bank tomorrow.
I mean, it's it's only the fair, adult thing to do.
Isn't it, sweetheart? I guess so.
Then you're not mad at me anymore? How could I stay mad at you, pussycat? What are you doing? Uh, uh, I've never seen this much money before.
Can't I just play with it till I have to give it back? Oh, Herman! $18,300.
[Chuckles] Money, money.
Money, money.
[Sighs] Money.
My good man, I'll take that black limousine and two of those red convertibles, please.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] Money.
[Laughing] Please, girls, stop kissing me.
Just because I gave you a few diamond necklaces, doesn't mean you own me.
Zsa Zsa, no.
You'll have to stand in line like the rest.
I'm rolling in money.
I'm swimming in money.
I'm drowning in money.
All right, drown.
Help! Help! I'm drowning.
You can't let me drown.
I'm a rich man.
Help! Are you quite through, Mr.
Rockefeller? Oh, it's you, Lily.
I was dreaming.
[Sighs] I thought I was a rich man.
Well, you're not.
So will you please send Zsa Zsa home and let's get some sleep.
Zsa Zsa? Lily, I know I won't be able to sleep till that money's back in the bank.
Oh, of course you will.
And you'll take it back in the morning as soon as the bank is open.
Now good night.
I'm just dead.
[Huffing] I know I won't be able to sleep till that money's back in the bank.
To heck with waiting for it to open.
I'll take it back tonight.
Don't touch me.
I'm gonna short-circuit the burglar alarm system.
[Electricity Crackling] Grandpa, uh, uh, are you all right? Well, just a little lightheaded.
Now, Herman, I just short-circuited the main fuse.
Give me this.
Now, go ahead, open the door.
After you, Grandpa.
If I remember correctly, the vault is someplace over there.
Herman? Herman, where are you? I'm over here.
What are you doing? Uh, I just thought I'd fill my fountain pen.
Fill your fountain pen.
Herman, will you come on.
I found the vault.
[Metal Clanks] Would you help? Butterfingers.
Hold this.
It's set for Oh.
Maybe it works like an alarm clock.
What do you mean? Well, they Uh, uh, maybe they set it from the back.
Uh, uh, what time shall I set it for? Ooh.
Look, it it's almost 3:00.
Set it for 3:00.
All right.
[Whispering] and 3:00.
[Lock Clicks] [Bell Dings] [Laughing] After you, Grandpa.
[Wheezing Laugh] Uh, Grandpa, I'll feel around for the light switch.
Good idea.
It's rather pleasant in here.
Reminds me a little of the catacombs I used to crawl around in when I was very little.
Well, Herman, uh, we might as well say good-bye to our short-lived prosperity.
Uh, good-bye, short-lived prosperity.
Well, that was easy enough.
Now all we have to do is go home and [Door Closes] [Locks Clicking, Whirring] Grandpa, did you hear a door slam? Yes, I did hear a door slam.
Was it a back door? No, it wasn't a back door.
Was it a side door? No, it wasn't a side door.
What kind of door was it? [Together] It was the only door.
Herman! Herman! Herman, we're locked in! We're trapped, Herman! We're hermetically sealed in here, Herman! These walls are made of solid steel.
Herman, we may never get out of here! Herman, don't you understand? We may never get out of here.
Well, it'll teach us a darn good lesson to be more careful next time.
[Frustrated Groan] Why? Marilyn.
Oh, yes, Aunt Lily? Oh, I hate to disturb you, dear, but have you seen your Uncle Herman? He's gone.
Oh, well, maybe he's in with Grandpa.
No, I've already checked Grandpa's room.
His slab hasn't even been slept on.
Do you suppose they might have gone on one of their strolls through the cemetery? They just might have.
Herman was so worried about that money that he was having trouble getting to sleep.
I'm afraid I wasn't very sympathetic.
Oh, I'm sure that's where they are, Aunt Lily.
And you know if there's one thing those two really dig, it's graveyards.
Grandpa, we've just gotta find a way to get out of here.
Grandpa? Grandpa? Grandpa? Oh.
Grandpa, we've gotta find a way to get out of here.
You're right.
Now, we've just got to keep looking.
And that way we might just be able to Herman, look.
"For emergency use only.
'" Grandpa, look.
A telephone.
I'll just call the police department, tell them we're locked in, they'll come get us and we'll be out in no time.
Operator, get me the police department.
[Woman] Which precinct, please? Precinct? Uh, Mockingbird Heights Precinct.
That's a local number.
You may dial it direct, sir.
Yes, but you see, I don't have the number.
Local numbers are listed in your directory.
But, miss, there is no directory here.
You see, I'm locked in a v I'll connect you with Information.
She's getting me Information.
Herman, Information? Wha Information, could I have the number of the Mockingbird Heights Police Department, please? [Woman] That number is 177-9771.
[Mumbling Number] Thank you, miss.
Write that down, Grandpa.
I will.
I don't seem to have anything to write it with.
Herman, give me your pen.
It's empty.
You wouldn't let me fill it.
Ooh! Fill it We'll just have to remember it.
They'll want to know where we are.
What's the address of this bank? I think it's 40691 st Street.
I'll just keep that in my head.
You got it? I got it.
40691 st Street.
And the telephone number is 177-9771.
And, Herman, when you get the police, they'll be here in five or 10 minutes.
If they go like 60, we'll have seven or eight of them down here in 20 winks.
And it'll be one, two, button my shoe, three, four, and they'll open the door! Oh! Herman.
Herman, what are you waiting for? Dial the number.
You made me forget it.
"Forget it.
" Oh, this is ridiculous.
Herman, give me that thing.
[Rotary Dials] "One, two, buckle my shoe.
" Listen, lady, this is an emergency.
My friend and I are here, and we're locked in a bank vault together, and the walls are two feet thick, and we're we're running out of air.
If you don't get somebody down here immediately, we'll both be dead.
Listen, lady.
Please, do something.
[Woman] I'd love to help you, sir, but this is a recording.
It's a recording.
Grandpa, what did you push? The light went on.
"Push to summon police.
" [Laughs] Maybe we'll be rescued after all.
[Wheezing Laugh] Oh, Herman, before we know it, there'll be someone on the other side of the door trying to get in.
You know, Fingers, we're really throwing the cops off in hitting this place at night instead of in the daytime.
Sure, Scotty, and I always felt like a goon wearing that Halloween mask.
I thought it was really becoming to you.
There's the vault.
Come on.
What a What a break.
What a break.
Someone, uh, disconnecting the the burglar alarm.
And that front door's the easiest lock I ever picked.
This bank is sure askin' for it.
Listen, we gotta blow this vault, get the loot and scram out of here.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
Start your drill.
I'll hold the flashlight.
Come on.
Let's get goin'.
All right.
Let her rip.
[Drill Whirring] Grandpa, listen.
Somebody's working on the door.
It sounds like a big drill.
We're being rescued.
[Laughing] A drill? Who wants to be rescued by a dentist? Okay, Scotty, there she is.
Are you sure this job's gonna be worth it? Fingers, when we blow this door off, you just ain't gonna believe what's inside.
Light it.
Grandpa, it got quiet out there.
You don't suppose they've given up? [Laughs] Don't be ridiculous, Herman.
They must have stopped to have a cigarette or something.
I'm sure we'll be hearing a noise any minute now.
[Explosion] Hi! Herman, these are the ones who did it.
Oh, Grandpa, I feel so good, I'm gonna give 'em a big hug.
[Chuckling] I think we better get out of here before somebody shows up.
They don't look like police to me.
[Mouthing Words] [Mouthing Words] Read some more about the bank robbers, Grandpa.
Well, "Scotty Malone and Fingers Dusick "upon being revived by police at the scene of the attempted robbery "blamed their capture on two unidentified citizens who appeared from nowhere and rendered them unconscious.
" Oh, how brave of you, Herman.
"Now, these are thought to be the same persons who summoned the police on the bank's alarm system.
" And it says a reward is waiting if the two men come forward.
Are you gonna claim it, Herman? Oh, I don't really think so, Lily.
It would mean interviews and photographs, and you know how shy I am about having my picture taken.