The Munsters (1964) s01e22 Episode Script

Dance With Me, Herman

Thanks for the lift, Charlie.
Pick me up around 9:00 tomorrow morning.
Lily, pussycat is home.
Good evening, dear.
Good evening, dear.
I see the carpool dropped you off again.
Yes, and it was quite restful riding in the back.
Oh! Mail, dear? No, but it's something I'm very upset about.
I was putting up some new cobwebs in Marilyn's room, and I, um, accidentally found this hidden in her bureau drawer.
Oh, a love letter.
[Laughs] Let's read it.
Herman, it's not a love letter.
It's an announcement of a parents' night at Marilyn's school.
It's next Saturday night and she hasn't even asked us yet.
I have a feeling she doesn't want us to be seen at her school for some strange reason.
And I think we ought to get to the bottom of this at supper.
Well, it may not be that serious, Lily.
L-It may just have slipped her mind.
Things are always popping out of my head.
Yes, but with you, we can always put them back in.
Now remember, Herman, we have to find out why Marilyn hasn't mentioned parents' night at school.
But we have to be very subtle about it.
Be very subtle.
I see.
How do we do that? Well, we lead up to it gradually.
First I'll bring up the subject of cars.
Cars.
That'll lead to driving.
Driving.
And then I'll bring up the subject of driving to school.
Driving to school.
Of course.
And that'll lead up to [Together] Parents' night.
Gotcha.
[Door Opens] Oh, my! Everything looks so delicious, Lily.
Oh, thank you, Grandpa.
[Clears Throat] Uh, Marilyn, how do you feel about the new cars? New cars? Well, I think that And how come you didn't ask us to parents' night at school? Parents'night? Well, where did you hear about that? Well Well, dear, I was dusting your room, and I just happened to come across the invitation.
It's, uh, next Saturday night, isn't it? Yes, Marilyn.
Don't try to hide anything.
You know, in this family nothing ever stays buried.
The reason I didn't mention it was because Well, because of you, Uncle Herman.
Me? Well, why wouldn't you want me, of all people, to go to parents' night? Well, I just didn't think you'd care for it.
It's going to be sort of a dinner dance.
Oh.
[Chuckles] Dancing.
Why didn't you say so? Dancing has never been one of my strong points.
I guess you could say I have two left feet.
Well, that's what happens when they put someone together in the dark.
Herman, I think we should go.
I mean, at your age, it's high time you took up dancing.
Lily, you know I hate dancing.
I've always hated to dance.
I'm not going through with it.
I am not going down there at the risk of making a fool out of myself.
I am not going dancing! And one, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One Herman.
Herman, relax.
You're so stiff.
Yeah, Herman, let everything go.
Well, I'll-I'll try, but the last time I let everything go, some of it didn't come back.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two One, two, three.
I think I'm getting the knack of it.
[Laughs] Timber! Herman [Harp Thrums] You know something, Lily, I just got a new respect for Lawrence Welk.
Marilyn, Eddie! What happened? Come and help your Uncle Herman.
Careful.
[Exhales] Listen, Lily.
They're playing our song.
Ah! If that Herman wants to dance, I'll mix him something that'll make him dance.
Ho, ho! Now, let me see.
Ah, yes, now I know.
A little potassium.
?? [Humming] A pinch of chlorophyll.
Two fingers of Geritol.
A dash of bitters.
And now for the secret ingredient! A pair of Fred Astaire's dancing shoes.
[Shoes Tapping, Shuffling] Go, Fred, go.
Grandpa? Grandpa, are you making lasagna again? You're smelling up the whole house.
No, as a matter of fact, I'm whipping up a batch of my secret dancing potion.
This will make you a wonderful dancer.
No, sir.
I'm not drinking anything you mix up.
Okay.
Go to the parents' night dance.
Disgrace poor Marilyn.
Make a fool of yourself.
I'm not gonna disgrace anybody.
Listen to this.
I found an ad in the newspaper, and they're gonna make me an accomplished ballroom dancer in three easy lessons.
Listen: "Happyland Ballroom.
"Fox-trot, tango, samba, watusi.
All the latest steps.
"Gain poise, popularity.
Make friends.
Free trial lesson.
Private and group rates.
'" Herman, listen to me.
There are plenty of good dancing schools, but you gotta watch out for the shysters.
Shysters? Uh, but look what it says "Let us bring out the inner you at our low monthly rates.
" And it's signed, "Happy Havemeyer, Doctor ofTerpsichore.
" Okay.
If that's what you want to do.
That's exactly what I want to do.
I'm going to go down there and sign up first thing in the morning.
Hm.
Hm! All right, fine.
Yes, that'll be okay.
Bye-bye.
Miss Valentine, if you would.
Miss Valentine, since you're a new instructor here at Happyland, I'd like to acquaint you with our policy.
Most of our clients are older people, misfits, widowers, people searching for friendship.
Some are rather bewildered, and they come to us looking for guidance.
We have a definite approach to these folks.
- What's that, Doctor? - We take 'em for all they've got.
Uncle Herman left early, didn't he? Yes, the sweet thing went downtown to take dancing lessons.
He's so anxious to make a good impression at the parents' night dance.
I'm surprised that he never learned to dance when he was younger.
Well, when other young men were going to parties and dances, I'm afraid he was always tied up in the laboratory.
You know, they have women teachers down at those dancing schools.
I just hope one of them doesn't fall in love with your Uncle Herman's gentle charms.
[Screams] Doctor Havemeyer.
! Doctor Havemeyer.
! Calm down, Miss Valentine.
What happened? Well, l-I know you said there'd be a lot of weirdos and misfits around here, but you should've seen what just walked in and wanted to take dancing lessons.
You gotta see him! Now, now.
There's no need for me to see him.
Didn't I tell you to expect all kinds? Now, you get back in there, turn on the charm.
Flatter him.
Tell him how great a dancer he is.
And then when you got him hooked, get him to sign our 10-year contract.
[Chuckles] Well, I'll try.
It's times like this I wish I'd stayed with the Roller Derby.
Oh, there you are, miss.
Was there some emergency? You left here so fast, I thought the place was on fire.
[Laughs] No such luck.
Well, shall we start? Alrighty.
?? [Jazz] Uh, excuse me.
Yeah, that's better.
Now, the first thing you have to do is put your arm around me.
Oh, uh I saw Robert Montgomery do that once.
Ready? Ready.
And one And one and two and one and two.
And three and four.
Now one and two and three and four and one and two and three and four.
Tell me, Mr.
Munster, have you ever danced professionally? Professionally? Heavens no! I would have never known.
Really? [Laughs] [Herman] Yoo-hoo, Lily.
I'm home.
Oh, welcome home, dear.
Well, how did my sweetheart make out at dancing class? How did I make out? I made out just beautifully, Lily.
Miss Valentine said after just one lesson, I was a natural born dancer.
She's never seen such a talent.
Oh, that's wonderful! I just know that when I dance with you at the ball, every eye in the room will be on us.
And, Lily, Miss Valentine said that Dr.
Havemeyer might even make me a teacher after a few more lessons.
A teacher! And, Lily, I was reading today in a fan magazine You know, that's the way Gene Kelly started out as a dancing teacher.
Then he starred in Pal Joey, then he was a big smash in For Me and My Gal, and then there was Gene's biggest hit, Singing in the Rain.
? I'm singing in the rain just singing in the rain? ? What a glorious feeling I'm happy again? ? I'm laughing at clouds? [Laughs] ? So dark up above? ? The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love?? [Laughs] [Harp Thrums] Marilyn, Grandpa.
Come on.
Oh, boy.
He's got his head in the harp again.
[Caws] What a crack-up.
! Please, watch the face.
I'm gonna be a star.
?? [Jazz] [Laughing] ?? [Ends] Mr.
Munster! Mr.
Munster! What is it? The music has stopped.
Don't bring me back now.
I'm too far out! Oh, Mr.
Mun Man, it's wig city! Please, Mr.
Munster.
Please.
Your lesson is over for this evening.
However, Dr.
Havemeyer would like you to sign up for a special course.
It's inexpensive and the lessons extend over a 10-year period.
Really? Am I that good? Oh, yes.
You're marvelous! Wheeee! Sit down right here, and I'll get you the papers to sign.
[Breathing Heavily] Catch your breath.
They're, um They're all stapled together, so you don't have to bother to read the fine print.
Thank you.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Hey, Mom, can I take Spot to school with me today? Not today, Eddie.
Spot's being punished.
He got out last night and ate all the neighbor's trash cans.
Morning, all.
Hi.
Morning, Lily.
Good morning, dear.
Morning, Herman.
Uh, how's Gene Kelly this morning? Couldn't be better.
The dancing school is signing me up to a 10-year contract.
Marilyn, you're gonna be very proud of your Uncle Herman at the dance Saturday night.
Your lunch pail's all packed, dear.
And here's your breakfast.
Oh, thank you.
[Car Horn Honks] Oh, there's the carpool.
I'd better run.
Wrong? It's this contract that Herman signed with the dancing school.
He signed a 10-year contract for 1,500 lessons at 750 a lesson! Why, that's Thank you, Eddie.
And that's only the beginning.
There's more? More? A life insurance policy naming the school as benefiiciary.
In case of default, a garnishee on Herman's salary.
A lien on his home.
An attachment on his automobile.
And in case of any legal action, a waiver of all his rights as an American citizen.
What are we going to do, Grandpa? Well, we just can't let him know he's been taken.
Poor dear is so sensitive, he's liable to go right into his shell.
His shell? What did you marry, a man or a lobster? Oh, Grandpa.
We'll just have to think of some other way.
Oh, Lily.
Forget it.
Lily, I got it.
I got it.
I'll take care of it.
Now, the first thing I'll do, I'll turn that whole school into a swamp.
Then I'll turn the owner into a frog.
Then I'll turn all the other teachers into lizards.
I'll turn myself Into an alligator.
A hungry alligator.
Then I'll start eatin' my way Oh, stop it, Father.
This is no time to be thinking of your pleasures.
Aw, gee, Mom.
You never let Grandpa have any fun anymore.
Never you mind, Eddie.
We Munsters are law-abiding citizens, and we're going to call the police right now.
Well, you better hurry.
Herman's got another lesson tonight.
Right.
I gotcha.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Miss Valentine, I just got an inside tip that the cops are going to run an investigation on us.
Look, what they usually do is they get an investigator to pose as a student.
Some clod who acts like he can't get out of his own way.
And when he gets the evidence on us Wham! Out come the handcuffs.
[Herman] Yoo-hoo.
! Uh, Miss Valentine? Twinkletoes is here! I'll be right there.
! If you think that the Look, Dr.
Havemeyer.
Speaking of clods who can't get out of their own way, I think the police are onto us already.
- What do you mean? - You know that student we signed up to the 10-year contract yesterday? I didn't think he was for real from the beginning.
Yeah? I'd better have a look at him.
?? [Jazz] Wow.
That's the weirdest disguise I've ever seen.
The cops are really reaching this time.
He looks like a cross between Little Abner and Ramses II.
What do we do now, Doctor? We take desperate measures.
We turn honest.
We tell him after analyzing his dancing, we find out that he has absolutely no talent, and we're refunding his money.
But, Dr.
Havemeyer, M-M-Miss Valentine, y-you must be kidding me.
I'm afraid not, Mr.
Munster.
You mean I won't be a dancing teacher? No.
Upon analysis, we find your dancing to be crude and awkward.
And your coordination is atrocious.
You have absolutely no sense of rhythm.
But I wanna be a teacher, and maybe get to Broadway, and then get to Hollywood, and become a big dancing star like Gene Kelly.
And get to meet people like Kirk Douglas and Nick Adams and all those big shots.
I'm sorry.
It is our decision to return your money, tear up your contract and discontinue your lessons.
But you can't do that.
I mean, I promised to go to parents' night with my niece and do the fox-trot and the bunny hop.
Well, now I'll just look silly and stupid.
I don't wanna look stupid and silly.
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to.
! I don't want to.
! [Record Crashes] What do you think, Doctor? I think it's the greatest performance by a policeman since Pat O'Brien.
I told my date that we'd meet him at the dance.
Well, that's a good idea, Marilyn.
The last time a young man came to our house to pick you up, he had some sort of an attack right on our front porch.
Oh, I wonder if Uncle Herman has the car out yet.
Why, Herman, you're not even dressed yet.
Yes, Uncle Herman.
And we're due there now.
I'm sorry, girls.
I'm not going.
Not going? But we've been looking forward to this all week, and you took all those dancing lessons.
And you brought that tuxedo home from the parlor and everything.
Well, Herman has something to tell you about the dancing school.
Well, the truth is that last night, they tore up my 10-year contract, gave me back the money and told me to get lost.
Oh, well, that was just a phony school.
W-Well, that doesn't matter.
W-What does matter is they showed me that I must face the truth about myself.
And I realize that when you add it up on the scoreboard of life, Herman Munster is just a big, awkward clod.
Oh, darling, you are not at all.
Well, uh, be that as it may, l-I want you to go to the dance, Lily, and you, Marilyn, and enjoy yourselves amidst the lights and the music and the gaiety.
But, pussycat No, no.
No, no.
Lily, I want you to go.
L-I insist.
And, uh, if, during the evening, some attractive gentlemen comes up to you and asks you to dance, I want you to feel free to accept.
And, uh, while you're dancing, and he's holding you tight, I don't want you to give one moment's thought to your faithful husband sitting here alone with his shriveled-up old father-in-law.
Herman, you're all heart.
Oh, but, Uncle Herman No, no.
Go out the door and don't look back.
Well, all right, Herman, if you insist.
Come on, Marilyn.
[Door Opens, Closes] You know, shrivel l-I mean, Grandpa it gives me a good feeling inside knowing I did the right thing.
[Caws] What a cornball.
! [Lily] [Marilyn] Grandpa, Herman.
Aunt Lily fell on the front porch.
What happened? Is she all right? Well, I think she sprained her ankle.
Oooh.
! Oooh.
Oooh.
Just help me to the sofa, Herman.
I don't know how it happened.
Grandpa, wasn't that noble of Aunt Lily? You mean about her not making a fuss about her ankle? Oh, no.
Because she pretended that she sprained her ankle so she could stay home with Uncle Herman.
Oh, boy! This family's come a long way from Transylvania when we used to pound stakes into each other.
Now, Eddie, watch this.
Just watch this.
Herman, what are you and Eddie doing out here in all this bright sunlight? Daddy's practicin' baseball.
That's right, Lily.
There's a father and son baseball game at Eddie's school, and I'm gonna be ready.
I'm not gonna make a fool of myself the way I did last week at Marilyn's dance.
Well, you be careful now, Herman.
Lily, please.
This is my game.
Just watch this.
[Laughs] Should I bring him in the house, Mom? No, Eddie, just leave him there.
The carpool will be by in 10 minutes to pick him up.