The Munsters (1964) s01e34 Episode Script

Munster the Magnificent

[Herman] Oh, my, that looks yummy, Lily.
I'll bet there's not a family on the block that's having a meal like this tonight.
Well, thank you, dear.
But before we start, Eddie has some news for us tonight about school, haven't you, Eddie? That's right.
This Saturday night is talent night at school.
- Talent night? - Yeah.
It's going to be held in the school gym.
And if any kid has someone in his family who has talent, he's supposed to volunteer them to perform.
And did you volunteer a member of your family to perform? Oh, sure.
I volunteered the one who has the most talent off all.
Fine.
- What time do I have to be there? - Oh, I didn't volunteer you, Grandpa.
I told 'em my Pop would perform on talent night.
- Herman? - Me? Uh, hmm, hmm.
Well, uh, well, now.
How about that? ?? [Humming] ?? [Bass Note] [Off-key] Herman? Herman? Herman! May I ask you something? Why of course, Grandpa.
Just what do you think you're doing? I'm trying to decide what to sing at Eddie's school on talent night.
You are going to sing? That's right.
And why not? After all, as they used to say "Herman Munster has the finest set of pipes in Transylvania.
" Herman, they were talking about your circulatory system, not your singing.
Very funny.
You're just jealous because Eddie volunteered me instead of you.
[Laughing] And as that great philosopher, Steve Allen, has said on many occasions "Jealousy is the stinkweed in the garden of life.
" ? Sweetest little fella? ? Everybody knows? ? Don't know what to call him? ? But he's mighty like a rose?? [Rumbling] [Explosions] Herman, wh-what happened? Uh, what happened? Bobby Darin here just brought down the house.
Grandpa.
Grandpa, there must be something Herman can do to entertain on talent night.
If he lets Eddie down, he'll be so disappointed.
I know, Lily.
And when it comes to Herman, I'm going to break a long-standing American tradition.
I'm gonna be nice to my son-in-law.
How kind and noble you've become since you've started reading Mary Worth.
What are you gonna do? Come with me, Lily.
I'll show you.
- Ballet slippers? - Magic ballet slippers.
When Herman puts these on, he'll get instant talent.
I got the recipe from Hans Christian Andersen.
I'll show you how they work.
[Grandpa] "Ballet, Old Soft Shoe, Mexican Hat Dance, the Twist.
'" Now, I take this magic dancing powder, sprinkle it on the shoes, and they start to dance.
"Sleeping Beauty, Swan Lake, Nutcracker Suite Swing it, shoesies, with a ballet beat.
" ?? [Tchaikovsky: "Dance Of The Reeds'"] Oh, Grandpa, how wonderful! I know.
Okay, fellows, that's enough for now.
Take five.
Herman, I made these ballet slippers in your size 26E.
I'll just tie a little bow over the ankle.
Oh, they're so cute.
But gee, Lily, l Golly, I don't want to do the ballet at Eddie's school.
People might get the wrong impression.
You know, that I was a Communist or something.
You don't have to do the ballet.
Just pick any magic dancing powder you want for any kind of dance you want.
Be my guest.
Go ahead, Herman, for Eddie's sake? All right.
[Sighs] Hmm.
Uh, let's try the Old Soft Shoe.
Good.
There always was a little Gene Kelly in me.
[Chuckles] Where they got it from, I'll never know, but there was.
Put the other foot on, please.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] A little Soft Shoe.
[Chuckles] There you are.
Hurry, Grandpa, I'm so excited.
You know, I think I'll sprinkle a little Indian Rain Dance powder on.
We've had a dry spell lately.
Might as well kill two birds with one stone.
"Heel and toe it, make us know it.
Strut your stuff and really show it.
" Whoosh! Uh! He's doing the ballet.
Holy mackerel! That's not "Soft Shoe.
" I used the wrong powder.
[Crash] Oh, dear! He can't stop! Grandpa, do something.
[Laughing] Oh, this is terrible! How long will he keep on dancing? Oh, two, maybe three hours.
Well, there's one consolation.
At least he'll be home in time for lunch.
[Thunder] Oh, well, it's not a total loss.
It's started to rain.
[Hissing] Ooh.
Oh, that feels good.
[Hissing] Ahh.
Herman.
Herman, will you listen to me? Look, all I have to do is take these shoes to the shoemaker, have them resoled and then the night of the talent show you'll be in business again.
Uh, no, no, Grandpa.
It's no use.
When it comes to talent, Herman Munster is a complete washout.
I'm just gonna have to tell my little boy that his daddy is a great big stupid lox.
No, dear.
You're a great big lovable lox.
Pop.
! Pop.
! Hey, Pop.
! I just talked to my teacher again about talent night, Oh, uh and you won't have to sing or dance or juggle or any of that corny stuff.
Oh, good, because 'Cause I volunteered you for the best spot of all.
I said you were the world's greatest magician.
[Laughing] [Grandpa] Oh, boy.
! Well, Herman, the world's greatest magician.
Uh, what do you have to say to that? Bibble ibble ibble ibble ibble ibble ibble ibble.
?? [Organ: Carnival] There.
I shall now make a few passes over the hat and I shall proceed to pull a live chicken from the hat.
[Chuckles] - Oh, Herman, you're so clever.
- Please, dear.
Don't egg me on.
[Laughing] [Crunching] This is the loosest chicken I ever saw.
If you'll just allow me a few minutes for a little bit more practice? Of course, Uncle Herman.
Now you just call us when you're ready.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll be ready.
[Chuckles] [Sighs] Brawwk! What's up, Doc? Uh, I seem to have run out of eggs.
Uh, do you think you could oblige? Don't look at me, buster.
My name's Charlie.
Brawwk! At least he could have made an effort.
[Blows Raspberry] [Sighs] Please, Grandpa.
You've got to do the magic for Uncle Herman.
Oh, but you mustn't let him know.
It would just break his heart.
I'm sorry.
I helped him with the dancing shoes.
I'm not gonna try again.
Grandpa, how can you act like that after all Herman has done for you? Why, if it wasn't for him, you'd still be back in the Old Country, hanging around in some damp old cave, scratching fleas out of your wings and wondering who your next square meal was coming from.
I guess you're right, Lily.
In the hustle-bustle of daily living, we're inclined to forget those golden moments of kindness.
I'll do it.
Where is the bum? Now, here we are.
[Sighs] And now, without further ado [Chuckles] I shall proceed to pull a live chicken from the hat.
[Chuckling] [Clucking] I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I'm a magician! [Laughing] [Laughing Continues] Oh, boy! Lily, this book how corny can you get? It's got jokes with the tricks yet.
Never mind the jokes, Grandpa.
When Herman does those tricks tonight at school, are you sure they're gonna work? Lily, with me in the wings, he'll look like the greatest magician since Merlin.
Why, there's not a trick in this book that I can't do with my eyes closed.
Oh, Marilyn, lunch is almost ready.
Have you seen Herman and Eddie? Oh, yes.
They're down in the lab.
Uncle Herman wants to practice his magic act, so he'll be all ready for tonight.
He's so proud thinking he can do magic.
I hope nothing goes wrong.
How can anything go wrong? If he sticks to the tricks in this book, there's not a chance of him making a boob of himself.
?? [Harmonica, Bells, Percussion] Well, Herman, you're on next.
This is your chance, Herman.
Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa.
Calm down, calm down.
Anyone would think you were performing.
Just stand in the wings and watch.
[Chuckles] Yes.
Uh, thank you very much, Teddy Branston's father.
[Applause] Now I'm sure you all recognized "Clair de Lune" too.
[Applause] Now, uh, according to our program here, we're in for a real treat.
Uh, we have magic, uh, as performed by Munster the Magnificent! ?? [Carnival] [Applause] [Murmuring] Now where did that come from? I get it.
It's a gag.
He's a clown magician.
Yeah.
What a getup.
Gee, look at the size of that guy.
Wow! Looks like there could be two fathers inside that costume.
Yeah.
I'd like to introduce myself.
I'm Herman Munster, and my family's in the iron and steel business.
My mother irons and my father steals.
[Applause] [Laughing] - [Whistling, Cheering] - Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, please.
Oh, oh, you're too kind.
Thank you.
[Clears Throat] Tonight, I have some amazing magic in store for you, but first, I would like to introduce my assistant, Marilyn Munster.
[Cheering, Applause] [Snaps Finger] ?? [Carnival] [Tapping] [Applause] Five, six, seven, eight [Applause] Now you know what's been holding up the act.
These aren't mine.
They belong to my brother-in-law.
But he doesn't need them.
His wife is the one who wears the pants in his family.
[Laughing] Grandpa! Wasn't there a rabbit in that hat? I got it out just in time.
The big goof! And now, miss, if you would permit me to place this egg on your head.
And now, if you will watch my assistant closely.
[Squeaking] [Applause] I guess she must have had bats in her belfry.
The last time I saw a ham that big, it was in a butcher's window.
And now for the grand finale.
My wife is standing in the wings.
I'm going to ask my wife to come out here on stage, and I am then going to proceed to make my wife disappear.
[Laughing] A trick which any husband should appreciate.
Make me disappear? What is this? I don't know.
Th-That trick wasn't in the book.
[Audience Murmuring] Excuse me.
Come on, Lily, we're on.
But, Herman, you can't do that trick.
And just why can't I? 'Cause it's not in the book, and I don't know it.
Who cares whether you know it or not? I'm doing the magic.
[Chuckles] Come on.
No.
Herman, I have news for you.
Uh, well, Grandpa's been standing back here in the wings making all your tricks work for you.
That's right.
I've done every one of them.
Oh, I get it.
I've been out there doing magic and making a big hit [Audience Stomping Feet] And you want to stand here in the wings and get all the credit.
[Chuckles] [Stomping Continues] Uh, be right with you, folks.
[Chuckling] [Applause] Hear that? Hear that? That proves I'm a better magician than you are.
Hear that applause? Those are my people.
Come on, Lily.
But, Herman Lily, dear, come on.
They're calling for us.
The show must go on.
[Applause] Ladies and gentlemen Mrs.
Munster.
[Applause] I want you to take a good look at her, because she's not gonna be here long.
[Laughing] I wish you now to observe this cabinet.
Solid on this side, solid in back, solid solid solid all the way around.
[Chuckles] And now, Lily, dear, if you please.
?? [Piano] [Chuckling] Isn't that just like a woman? She doesn't want to go anywhere where she can't spend money.
"Alakazee, kazi, kazeer.
Woman in the cabinet, disappear!" Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
?? [Rim Shot] And now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, for a more difficult trick and to me, a more painful trick.
I will now make my wife reappear.
[Laughing] "Alakazee, kazi, kazeer.
Woman in the cabinet, reappear!" [Applause] Thank you.
Not now.
[Applause Continues] Marilyn, not now during the bows, dear.
Not during the applause, dear.
[Whispering] [Chuckles] Lily, where are you? Lily? Lily? Uh, where are you, dear? Lily.
! Lily! [Chuckles] Lily! Come back, Lily! Lily! Lily! Uh-Uh-Uh, Grandpa, help me! "Alakazee, kazi, kazeer!" Lily! Lily! Uh, listen, Eddie, uh, about your mother Pop, we've looked for her a million times.
She isn't there.
She's disappeared.
Yes, well, I wanted to talk to you about this.
Uh, just come over here.
I want to, uh, tell you something.
What is it, Pop? Eddie, I've just discovered something.
What? I'm a widow and you're an orphan, and it's all my fault.
Hi, Herman.
Oh, Grandpa! What's new? Grandpa! Grandpa, you've got to help me! You've got to make Lily reappear! Me? You're the big magician.
All I do is stand in the wings and watch.
Oh, Grandpa, Grandpa.
I'm sorry about that.
I don't know what happened.
The trick backfired.
Well, how could that have happened? Well, all I did was I'll show you.
I put Lily in the cabinet I pull the curtain, I said a few magic words, and I push the button and then I open the curtains and she was gone.
Grandpa, you've got to help me.
Lily! Lily, you've you've come back! [Laughing] Hi, Mom.
I'm glad you're back.
Pop was really crackin' up.
Oh, was he, Eddie? Oh, thank you, Grandpa, thank you.
Lily, sweetheart, I will never do magic again.
I shall be humble and contrite and Oh, Lily, I don't know what I'd do without you.
Believe me, Lily, I don't.
Do you really mean that, pussycat? Of course I do, sweetheart.
Besides, your-your name's on all the bath towels.
And if I ever got married again, I'd have to find someone named Lily.