The Munsters (1964) s01e35 Episode Script

Herman's Happy Valley

Lily, Grandpa, Marilyn? Daddy's home.
Oh! Hello, dear.
My, you look happy today.
I am happy, Lily, because, as we say down at the parlor, this has been a very monumental day.
Has something happened, Uncle Herman? Yes, Marilyn.
I have some wonderful news! Uh, where's Grandpa? Here I am, Herman.
I was down in the dungeon helping Eddie fix his train set.
[Train Whistle Blowing, Bell Clanging] Sounds as though you got it fixed.
Well, Herman, don't keep us hanging in midair.
What's your wonderful news? Well, it's vacation time again, and I have purchased a beautiful hideaway where we can all relax and enjoy our leisure moments.
with a piece of junk.
No such thing.
I bought 10 acres in Happy Holiday Valley through an ad in a magazine.
You bought 10 acres by mail? You see here? With the purchase of any homesite, we get the use of their wonderful recreational facilities, excellent transportation, and it's smog-free.
That means you don't have to pay for it.
Uh, plenty of water.
Close to schools Oh, Herman, it sounds wonderful.
"For family fun and relaxation, come to Happy Holiday Valley.
" Even I'll have to admit, that sounds like the kind of place I'd like to be found dead in.
[Marilyn] Aunt Lily? I'm ready to leave.
Is there anything I can help you with? No.
I was just pulling down the blinds, so the house will look gloomy and lived in while we're gone.
Oh, we're all going to have such a wonderful vacation.
I'll say! Bring on the girls! Now, you get back in your clock! When is that silly bird going to get girls off his mind? Nevermore, nevermore.
Get! Well, I guess everything's ready.
Good-bye, Spot! [Roaring] Mom, wouldn't it be better if we left Spot in the garage? Oh, no, Eddie.
Last time we did, he drank all the gasoline out of the power mower.
And then he got the hiccups and melted all the wrought-iron furniture.
Are you ready to leave, Grandpa? Just a minute.
All set? [Man Screaming] All set.
Herman? Herman, where are you? [Herman] I'll be right with you, Lily.
I'm, uh talking to the real estate office that handles our property, and I'm letting him know that we're coming up to Happy Valley.
That's right.
This is Herman Munster.
I bought 10 acres from your ad.
It-It was in that magazine, the Jujitsu Annual.
Ah, yes.
One of our many satisfied customers.
Who is it? That Munster character the one that fell for our ad in that crummy magazine.
Uh, yes, Mr.
What can I do for you? Well, Mr.
Walters, I thought I'd take the family out for a spin today to see our property.
Uh, sir, do I understand you to say you are going up to Happy Holiday Valley? That's right.
We plan to take advantage of your excellent recreational facilities, your wonderful transportation and your marvelous Uh, sir, uh, when are you planning to go? - Today.
- Today? Hello? Hello? Hello, hello? Hmm.
Must have been cut off.
I hope he doesn't think I hung up on him.
He sounded like such a pleasant fellow.
Oh, well.
Well, it's on to Happy Holiday Valley.
[Cap Pistols Popping] Well, here we are Happy Holiday Valley.
You know, Herman, I had heard that these real estate brochures were inclined to exaggerate.
But this is more beautiful than they described it.
Oh, it's just it's just absolutely breathtaking.
Uh, just as advertised.
There are the superb transportation facilities.
Oh, and look! Plenty of water! Mmm.
Nice and soft.
Not like the hard water at home.
And look! There's a playground for kids! Ooh! And here are the excellent entertainment and recreational facilities.
Well, I must say Hmph! You know, this is a real swinging place.
! It appears that it was fortunate running into you gentlemen.
Yes, it certainly was.
As I understand it, Mr.
Curtis, you represent, uh, Cunningham Aeronautics.
We were happy to cancel our quick trip to Mexico to talk to you.
Now, then.
We have plans to use that area in and around your Happy Holiday Valley property as a missile site.
I'm here to make you a flat offer of $50,000 for the entire piece of land.
- It's a deal.
- Barney The man offered $50,000, partner.
I'm sure you will go along with me.
Yes, Barney.
This is our initial proposal.
I'll be back first thing in the morning to finalize the deal.
We'll see you then.
Good day.
Good day.
Barney, we don't own all of Happy Holiday Valley.
We unloaded some of it to that Munster character.
Gil, baby, Munster's going up to look at the property today, right? Right.
So he takes one look at that hunk of junk he bought, we offer to refund his two grand, which he takes back like that, and we're in the clear for the Cunningham deal.
Yes, but, uh, do you think it'll work? Look.
Anyone who falls for an ad like ours has got to be a sucker.
This Munster sounds like a real live one.
A real live one.
I haven't had a bite since we've been here.
Patience, Eddie.
But, gee, wouldn't it be better if we fished in a stream with water in it? Eddie, anyone can fish in a stream with water in it.
This is a challenge the kind of challenge the youth of today is so badly in need of.
I got one.
I got one! I got one! Play him, Grandpa! Play him! - [Eddie] Don't let him get away.
! - Oh, boy.
This is a whopper! Stay with him, Grandpa! Here he comes.
[Herman] Oh, oh! Isn't he a lovely one! [Grandpa Laughing] Isn't that a beauty? Well, I for one am not gonna be out-fished.
Well, the bait's still good.
[Reel Whirring] Oh, dear me.
I'm afraid I've damaged the recreational facilities.
Uh, pardon us.
We're looking for a Mr.
Well, I'm his niece, Marilyn.
He's not here right now.
Uh, perhaps you'd like to talk with my Aunt Lily.
She's fixing supper.
Aunt Lily! Uh, good day, Mrs.
I'm Mr.
Walters, and this is my partner, Mr.
We, uh, sold you folks the property.
No! You mean, you sold us this property? Uh, yes.
But put that down.
Violence'll get you no place.
Oh! I was just stirring up some oxtail soup.
Oh, I can't tell you how much we love this place.
- You love this place? - Mmm.
It's beautiful.
Isn't it, Marilyn? Oh, it's lovely.
Uh, look, madam, I think there's something you should know.
Uh, this is nothing but a ghost town.
A ghost town! Isn't that wonderful, Marilyn? Maybe we'll have company dropping in on us over the weekend.
[Mooing] Oh.
Excuse us a minute.
My oxtail soup is getting restless.
What do you think? Maybe they heard about the Cunningham missile deal, and they're just trying to boost the price up.
That's right.
I'll offer them double their money back.
- Now, you were saying? - I'll get right down to cases, Mrs.
We're ready to pay you double your money if you'll sell us the property back.
Oh, my, no.
We're all so crazy about it, and I'm sure my husband wouldn't sell it at any price.
Good day, gentlemen.
Come on, Gil.
I got another angle.
Uh, thank you for your time, madame.
And thank you for your flattering offer.
But you understand.
It's so hard to find a good vacation spot since they closed down Devil's Island.
Well, uh, good-bye.
You said you had an angle, Barney.
What was it? Get in.
We can't buy the place back, so we'll scare 'em off, see? This is a ghost town, right? Right.
So tomorrow night, we'll turn it into a real ghost town.
Now, these Munsters are going to be nervous anyway, spending their first night in this dump.
Wait till they hear strange voices and screams and the whole works.
They'll go out of their skulls, and tomorrow they'll be begging us to take the place back.
Barney, that's a $50,000 idea.
Here we are.
[Chuckles] How does it look? Oh, Grandpa! That's lovely.
Just what the room needed.
Eddie, it's almost time for you to go to bed.
When are you and your father going to be through with the comics? Just a second, Mom.
"And then the mechanical men disintegrated all the spider people, "and they disappeared in a ball of flame.
Ooh! "Once again, good had triumphed over the forces of evil from outer space.
" Oh, boy, Eddie.
Uh, that was a good one.
Uh, read me another one.
I can't now, Pop.
I have to go to bed.
Oh, darn, darn! Lily? - Just one more? - No, Herman.
Eddie has to get to bed.
Could I have my cowboy outfit back now, Pop? I'm not though playing with it yet, Eddie.
All right.
Good night, Pop.
Good night, son.
[Cowboy Accent] Bartender? See what the boys in the back room will have.
Herman, will you stop playing cowboy and go outside and get some wood for the fire? Right away, dear.
Reach for the ceiling! JesseJames! Hmm.
And it looks so easy on television.
The firewood.
Yes, Lily.
Oh! Some daughters marry doctors.
Some daughters marry dentists.
You had to marry Henny Youngman.
Never mind, Grandpa.
Oh, there's some! [Chuckling] I think Herman's found some wood.
Don't you just love to watch a fire? Lily, I've seen Chicago, San Francisco and the burning of Rome.
You've seen one, you've seen 'em all! Uh, here's the wood, Lily.
[Chuckles] [Lily] Ooh.
! Where'd you get all the wood, Herman? I had to break up a building, dear.
I do hope there was no one in it.
Oh, Lily, I've been thinking about those two men.
You said they were so anxious to buy this property back.
I wonder why.
Oh, it's very simple, dear.
They probably realized what a paradise it really is here.
[Chuckling] Gil, we'll have these Munsters running in no time.
Yeah, we'll really scare 'em.
What's the matter? That.
"Died June 6.
'" There's a story going around that Big Billy comes back every year and really spooks this place.
And today is June 6.
You big dummy.
That's just a story made up for the tourists to give the place some glamour.
I'm glad it's just a story, because the last guy I want to run into tonight is Big Billy.
Well, I think I'll toddle upstairs to bed.
Good night, pussycat.
Good night, dear.
I'll be right up.
[Yawning] What a great place for a vacation.
You know, this reminds me of the places I used to haunt in the Old Country.
We used to sit around the fireplace just like this and talk to our relatives, some of whom we hadn't seen in hundreds of years.
Oh, yes.
Hardly a night went by when someone didn't try to get in touch with us.
I remember [Thumping] Wh What was that? Grandpa, someone's trying to get in touch with us.
It's my no-good Cousin Humphrey.
I'd recognize his knock anywhere.
- Grandpa, aren't you going to answer him? - Not me.
We haven't spoken since he stole my aspirin during the Black Plague.
Hey, they're just ignoring us.
Here, this'll get 'em.
You got a dime? ?? [Discordant] Listen to that Cousin Humphrey.
He always was a rotten piano player.
Knock it off, Humphrey.
?? [Continues] I said, knock it off.
?? [Speeds Up] Just our luck.
That no-good piano conks out on us now.
Well, I'm not gonna let Humphrey spoil my evening.
Why don't we all go to bed? How do you like that? They're going up to bed! What are you doin'? We'll let 'em get to sleep.
Then we'll give 'em the real scare treatment.
Barney, don't do that! Oh, cut it out! It's just us! Here.
Get into this.
[Snoring] [Thud] Herman? Herman? Yes, Captain Kangaroo, I will brush my teeth ev-every day.
Herman, wake up! It's me! Hmm? What? Hmm? Huh? What's the matter, dear? I heard a noise downstairs! Hmm? There it is again.
That was a noise, all right.
Herman! Herman, there's someone downstairs! Now, you go right down there and see who it is! Oh, all right, dear, if I have to.
What are you doing with Eddie's hat and cap pistols? Lily, you never know what you might run into.
I saw a Western on television once, and Nick Adams was prowling around.
[Door Opens] Barney, somebody's comin'! Good! Wait till they get a load of us! Hmm.
Must be some other guests.
Well, howdy, partners.
Well, I'll be hanged.
[Laughing] It's Big Billy! Back from the dead! [Shouting] Sir? Sir? Herman, what is it? Hmm.
They were two guests, but I guess they decided not to stay.
Shame, too, 'cause they looked like a couple of fun fellas.
[Train Whistle Blowing, Bell Clanging] Hi, Mom.
Grandpa got the train working real neat now.
Hey, are we going to Happy Valley again for the next weekend? [Sighs] I'm afraid not, Eddie.
Your father has just sold all the property up there.
But, gee, that was the only place we ever went to that seemed like home.
Now, now, Eddie.
You must not question your old dad's decision.
Uh, that's right, Eddie.
We sold that property to a very nice firm Cunningham Aeronautics.
These kind people are working on a missile which, in time of trouble, is gonna solve all our problems by blowing up the world.
Gee, Pop, if we can't go to Happy Valley, where will we spend our vacations? Eddie, that's, uh that's a very good question.
Eddie, we can always enjoy the peace and solitude of our own little nest right here.
And as Frank Sinatra has said on so many occasions, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
[Roaring] [Explosion] Yes, Eddie.
Give me a house by the side of the road, and I'll be a friend to man.
I thought Edgar Allan Poe was a crackup.
Ooh! [Squawks]