The Munsters (1964) s01e36 Episode Script

Hot Rod Herman

Vroom, vroom! You're on the line.
You rev the mill, and you get the light from the timer.
You're off, burning rubber.
Vroom! You watch the tach.
You shift the box.
Two.
Vroom.
Three.
Vroom.
Four.
Vroom.
You crack the eye, and you dump your chute, and it's a 177 with an 851 E.
T.
[Imitating Engine Revving] Lily.
Oh, Lily.
[Rewing Continues] Yes? Lily, I wish you'd keep the front door closed.
Some strange boy just got in here and is speaking some foreign language.
Herman, th-that's our son, Eddie.
Yeah, Pop.
I'm just getting you into the mood for the drag strip this Saturday.
- "Drag strip"? - Sure.
Sandy Baylor's father is a drag racer.
I told him my pop could beat his dad anytime, 'cause you're the best driver in the world.
Well, Eddie, it's wonderful that you're proud of your father and that you stick up for him.
But, Herman, a drag racer? [Laughing] That's the funniest thing I ever heard in all of my lives.
- Eddie.
- Yeah, Pop? Ignoring this hysterical person A drag racer! And her unseemly guffaws may I ask you a question? Sure.
What time on Saturday do I start burning rubber? - You mean you'll do it, Pop? - Eddie, I can answer that in two words.
Vroom! Vroom! [Engine Rewing] Oh, dear! What was that? That is Herman out in the garage with Eddie, hopping up our car for the drag strip.
I don't know why Uncle Herman wants to become mixed up in racing.
You know Herman.
He always has to be a hero to his son.
I didn't know he knew anything about automobiles.
He's really full of surprises.
Full of surprises? You should have seen his X-rays after his last physical.
There are some things in there that the doctors couldn't figure out at all.
Good morning, Grandpa.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Is it too late for a poor, broken-down old man to have some breakfast? Not at all.
I kept yours hot for you.
Good.
?? [Humming] There, now.
Is that warm enough for you? It'll do.
Grandpa, aren't you going to help Uncle Herman and Eddie fix the car? No, I'm not gonna help Uncle Herman and Eddie fix the car.
If anybody asks me why I'm not gonna help, I'll tell them why I'm not gonna help.
Why aren't you going to help? I'm not going to help because nobody asked me to help.
[Engine Rewing] Listen to that racket.
I hate to see Herman take a nice, normal family car and turn it into something weird and ridiculous.
Okay, Eddie, I think we're ready for another compression check.
Right, Pop.
You monitor the exhaust.
I'll activate the intake.
Ready? Ready.
[Backfires] [Revving] [Laughs] Fine.
It'll sound even better when we start the motor.
Now, for one last look at the steering linkage.
Okay, Pop.
A-okay.
I think we're ready for a test run.
Boy, we'll really wipe Sandy's father this Saturday.
Wipe him? We'll clobber that Clyde.
I'm gonna practice my speed shifting.
[Grinding] First.
Second.
Third.
Fourth.
[Groans] [Groaning] Now, isn't that annoying? You know, Pop, I think when you shift, you ought to use the clutch.
Very well taken point.
[Squawks] Watch it, dearie.
That smarts.
Well, here I am.
I'm all ready for the drag strip.
I'm all stoked-up and ready to go.
Well, there he is my son-in-law, the 150-year-old teenage punk.
Herman.
Herman, l I wish you wouldn't do this.
Uh, I just can't, uh, fight it, chick.
I, uh, gotta get out there and drag it with the gassers.
Otherwise, doll, I might blow my cool.
Herman! Herman, wh-what's come over you? L-I just don't know you anymore.
What's happened to your Daddy Warbucks's image? Uh, listen, doll, I haven't got the time right now.
Eddie's, uh, waitin' outside in the car.
We're gonna turn 137 and blast Sandy's old man right off the blacktop.
All right, Herman.
Go out there and beat him if you have to, but but don't go over the speed limit.
Well, aren't you gonna wish me luck, Grandpa? Drop dead.
Well, that's better than nothing.
Uh, uh, good-bye, doll.
Hey, Dad, look what just came in.
Oh, boy, that's the oldest-looking teenager I ever saw.
That's Eddie and his dad.
Oh.
From the looks of his dad's face, he's been in some very bad smashups.
Let that be a lesson to you, son.
No one should ever go out on the strip without a roll bar.
Come on.
Hi, Eddie.
Oh, hi, Sandy.
Hey, Pop, I want you to meet Sandy Baylor and his father.
Oh.
Hi, Sandy.
And how do you do, Mr.
Baylor? Oh, sorry.
[Chuckles] Uh, no charge for the grease job.
[Laughs] Yeah, sure.
Say, uh, mind if I ask you a question? Certainly.
What is this? Oh, this? Oh, you, uh, noticed it.
This is just a little old everyday family car with a, uh, 425-cubic-inch engine, high-lift cam and 10 two-barrels.
You could've fooled me.
I thought they brought back the Edsel.
Um, well, I'm all set.
Where are your set of wheels? Right over there.
Um, excuse me, sir, but what is that? "What's that?" That's a rail.
"A rail"? Oh, yes! One of my wife's relatives was once ridden out of town on one of those.
It wasn't quite that modern.
Boy, Eddie, is my pop gonna beat your pop.
He is not, 'cause my pop's the best driver in the whole world.
Oh, is that so? Well, Munster, I was wondering if you'd like to match your kid's enthusiasm with a little side bet.
Bet? Oh, well, uh, I think so.
I have four or five dollars on me.
Would you care to shoot the wad? I'll tell you what just to make it an interesting bet, why don't we bet your car against mine? Go ahead, Pop.
We'll wipe him.
You're the greatest.
Oh, well, you see, I don't think so.
[Stammering] See, this is our only car, and if I lost it, my wife would Gee, Pop, I think he's chicken.
All right, Baylor.
You got yourself a bet.
Good.
My car against yours.
What's the matter? You're not afraid of losing your car, hotshot? Me? Of course not.
Did it again.
Hmm! Listen to this.
It says, "In the next three-game series, the Yankees will be out for blood.
" I tell you, that's a lot more fun than playing baseball.
Lily! Lily, look here! "Leadfoot Baylor Favored to Sweep Drags.
" Why, Lily, that's Sandy Baylor's father.
The fellow Herman's gonna race today is a professional driver.
Oh! Oh, dear.
When Herman finds that out, I hope he has the sense to call the whole thing off.
"Sense"? Any grown man who still expects quarters from the tooth fairy ain't exactly an Einstein.
After all, if the man beats Uncle Herman, all he'll lose is his pride.
[People Gasping] Now, give her the gun when you get the green flag.
Don't worry, Eddie.
I'll just keep my eye on the rearview mirror.
That's where he'll be all the time.
[Laughing] Good luck.
Wh-What did you say, Eddie? I said, "Good luck.
" Herman Munster, of all things! You and Eddie having to come home on a bus.
Losing our car.
Uncle Herman, this is just terrible.
Didn't you know that that man was a professional race driver? No, I didn't know that.
I thought he was just another goof like I was.
Herman, this is the worst thing you've done since you bought us that mausoleum at the cemetery, and we couldn't move in because there were no kitchen privileges.
How did I know it was a restrictive community, and they wouldn't take live people? This is a nice mess you've got us into.
What are we gonna do without a car? Well? Do you know, Herman? No, I'm afraid not, Lily.
Do you know, Marilyn? No, I don't know.
Do you, Grandpa? Ooh! Ooh! Well, Grandpa, why don't you give me the cold shoulder like the rest of my loyal family? 'Cause I happen to have the solution to this whole dilemma.
You aren't gonna try to talk me into shooting myself again, are you? No.
I'm gonna build us a car that I'm gonna take to the drag races next Saturday and that I personally will win back our car from this Leadfoot Baylor by beating him at his own game.
Mm! [Laughing] You're gonna build a car and race it at the drags? Yeah.
That's the most ridiculous, preposterous idea I've heard in the last 150 years.
It's childish, idiotic and utterly fantastic.
When can you start on it? First thing in the morning.
Good.
[Engine Rewing] Oh, there's Uncle Herman and Grandpa again.
[Pounding] They've been pounding out in that garage every day for a week.
Don't you have any idea what they're up to? No, I don't, and I really don't care.
I told Herman I wasn't speaking to him until he gets our family car back.
Well [Car Backfires] But according to Eddie, they're building some kind of a car out there.
[Rewing Continues] [Sighs] I don't know what they're up to.
They've asked Eddie for his bicycle.
They took the pipes out of the organ in the living room.
And Herman came back from the parlor with an empty box.
Now, you can't tell me that anyone can build an automobile out of junk like that.
[Car Backfires] Just a minute, now.
Okay, you can bring her out now, Grandpa.
[Laughing] [Eddie] Wow, what a rail.
! I bet this Dragula can wipe anything on the strip.
[Laughs] I ask you is this an automobile, or is this an automobile? I really got to hand it to you, Grandpa.
This is quite an attractive vehicle.
Detroit could take a lesson from this design.
And those organ pipes are a very nice exhaust.
"Nice"? I'll have you know, Herman, that this is the only dragster in America that can play "Oh, Promise Me" in second gear.
Boy, I'm gonna go call Sandy's father and tell him we'll really beat him at the drags tomorrow.
Oh, goody, goody! Uh, tell him we'll smear him.
D Wait a minute, Eddie.
Hold it, Herman.
Herman, come here.
Now.
One of the first rules in racing is never tip your hand.
What you do is, you show up the day of the races, get your rival to commit himself on the bet, then you unveil the winning car.
Is that good, clean sportsmanship? Of course it is.
As Sonny Liston says, "It's not playing the game It's winning that counts.
" "Born, 1367.
Died, question mark.
" I must say, Grandpa, that's a very novel grill.
[Laughs] What do you mean, "novel grill"? That's not a grill.
That's my license plate from the Old Country.
Isn't this a neat place, Mom? Look at that guy go.
I must admit it's rather a fun place.
You know, Eddie, I used to be a great racing fan back in Transylvania.
Oh, I had such gay times going to the wolf track and betting on our relatives.
Grandpa, have you seen anything of our sporting rival, Mr.
Baylor? Hmm! "Sporting rival.
" [Laughs] Here comes that rat fink now.
Oh.
Well, Munster, back for another losing day at the drags? Oh, no, sir.
Not today.
Uh, today, my decrepit, broken-down, old father-in-law is gonna blast your heap.
[Chuckling] I got news for you, Munster.
I've been working on this tank of yours all week, and I got it up to where it will wipe out anything on wheels.
I see.
Uh, care to make a little wager on that? What did you have in mind? Same thing as last time.
Your car against ours.
Well, I don't know what you got under that canvas, but the bet's on.
Good.
Uh, allow me to introduce you to our new set of wheels.
Well, you still wanna tangle with us, buster? Yeah, sure.
I mean, uh, I think so.
[Chuckles] I never saw a rail like that before.
Just as I thought.
If you were any more chicken, Clyde, you'd be cackling.
[Laughing] That's enough, Herman.
Well? All right.
You got yourself a bet.
I'll see you over at the start line.
Good.
Come on, Herman.
Hey, Leadfoot, they got a real bomb here.
What if old pop takes us? Well, supposing he does? It's gonna be real difficult for him to collect on his bet from the fracture ward, ain't it? What do you mean by that? Look.
This parachute is the only way they can stop this thing after the race is over.
If we kind of borrow it, wham, he hits the wall! Get it out of here.
[Marilyn] Oh, there's a seat, Aunt Lily.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind moving over one? [Screaming] [Woman Screams] Oh! Wasn't that nice of him to give up his seat for me? Look, there's Grandpa at the starting line.
Oh! Oh, my, he he's racing against our car.
I hope he wins and gets it back.
It's always been just like one of the family.
Hey, Leadfoot, the old boob hasn't even noticed his chute is missing.
Man, when he crosses the finish line, he won't stop till he hits Mississippi.
[Laughs] That's his tough luck.
Uh, just hold it a minute, Grandpa.
Herman, at a time like this you're taking pictures? I just couldn't help it.
You look so natural sitting in that box.
Grandpa, you forgot your parachute.
Come on, Grandpa! Oh! Oh, I'm so nervous.
Eddie, stop biting your nails.
[Laughing] Oh, he won! He won! He won! He won! - [Laughing] - Now, for the parachute.
[Tires Screeching] [Dragula Approaching] [Tires Continue Screeching] Herman, son-in-law, baby, you saved my life.
Of course, Grandpa.
What else could I do? I have to have this box back in the parlor first thing Monday morning.
It was very naughty of you, Herman, to lose our car at the drag races.
Thanks to Grandpa, we have it back now.
Lily, please, let's not bring up the past.
For once in this family, let's let the dead stay buried.
Good idea.
I just hope our car wasn't hurt in all those races.
Yes.
And it's a beautiful car.
Have you ever noticed the way everybody turns and stares at us when we drive by? Lily, there's no harm done.
A little racing is good for a car.
It only serves to loosen up the engine.
Let's go, Pop.
We wanna get to the cemetery before all the good spots are taken.
Right, Eddie.