The Munsters (1964) s01e37 Episode Script

Herman's Raise

Hey, Mom? Where's Pop? I wanna say good night to him.
He's not home yet, Eddie.
He's working late at the parlor.
Why can't he get home on time like other guys' fathers? Now Eddie, you have to understand.
In his business, a lot of things won't keep till tomorrow.
Good night.
Good night.
It's a shame Uncle Herman has to work this hard.
They certainly take advantage of him down there.
Well, that's because he's so conscientious and faithful and loyal and What's that word? - Stupid.
- He is not.
He sure is stupid.
He's a big lummox I don't see any reason why you should talk like that about Herman.
Grandpa, how can you say that about Uncle Herman? [Door Closes] - Hi.
- [Lunch Box Thuds On Table] Why don't you go on talking? Why did you Why did you stop talking when I came in? [Stammering] Never mind, Herman.
Well, when I come into a room, and everybody suddenly stops talking, it irks me.
It even makes me madder than when you start spelling out stuff.
We were just all upset about you working so hard.
Yes, dear, and for such a low salary.
Do you know what you're going to do first thing tomorrow morning? Why, of course I do.
I'm gonna wake up.
[Laughs] You are going to wake up, and you're going to march straight into your boss, Mr.
Gateman's office, and demand a raise in pay.
Lily's right, Herman.
Down at the parlor, why should you take things lying down? Well, gee, I don't know.
[Clicks Tongue] I mean, I can't impose on Mr.
He's been so kind to me.
He sent me that get-well card when I was hit by that diesel locomotive.
At Christmastime, he sent me that big basket of rotten fruit from California.
It was so thoughtful of him; I ate it all.
Now listen, Herman.
You're going to look Mr.
Gateman straight in the eye.
You're going to pound on his desk, and you're going to ask for a raise in pay.
You're gonna be a regular tiger! Well, all right, if you say so, dear.
I'll be a tiger.
[Growls Weakly] [Growls Loudly] [Wind Whistling] [Door Creaks] [Screams] Grandpa, don't scare a fella like that! Never mind that.
What are you doing sneaking home in the middle of the day? I was just hiding outside till Lily left the house.
What happened with Mr.
Gateman? I did just like Lily said.
I marched into his office.
I pounded on his desk, looked him straight in the eye, told him what a faithful employee I'd been and demanded a raise.
And, Grandpa, guess what? He fired you.
How did you guess? 'Cause I know my son-in-law.
You're a hard-luck guy.
If you found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there'd be a tax collector sitting on the lid.
What am I gonna tell Lily? She's been counting on a raise, and if she finds out I've been fired, she might get mad at me and stamp on the floor and say mean things to me and shake her finger at me.
She might even break my Huckleberry Hound records.
Now listen, Herman, you're a grown man, and you're going to handle this in an adult manner.
You're gonna do what every red-blooded American husband does in a case like this.
Don't tell your wife a thing.
Well, Herman, all through dinner you haven't said a word about what happened at the parlor today.
[Clears Throat] Oh, uh, we were quite busy.
In fact, we had a quite a turnover.
[Chuckles] I mean about your interview with Mr.
Oh, that.
We're so anxious, Uncle Herman.
Did he talk to you? Oh, yes, he, uh, talked to me.
Well, is he going to give you a raise or isn't he? Well, you see, dear, Mr.
Gateman is a rather busy man.
I think he wants to take the idea and sort of, uh, throw it down the well.
- Throw it down the well? - You know, throw it down the well and see if anyone salutes it.
What kind of double-talk is that? Well, you know, Lily, he wants to take the idea and run it up the flagpole and see if it makes a splash.
All businessmen have expressions like that to keep outsiders from finding out that they really don't know what they're talking about.
Well, I think Mr.
Gateman is giving you the runaround.
He may want to think it over, but I want an answer by the end of the week.
Well, I think you'll have an answer by the end of the week if not sooner.
Marilyn, Eddie, come and help me take out the dishes.
Whew! Boy, Herman, that was close.
But at least you've got till the end of the week.
I'll tell you what, Grandpa.
I figure I'll leave the house every day as if I was going to the parlor and not break the news to Lily until I get a new job.
Oh, I see.
You wanna keep the news from her as long as you can.
As we say in business, let's not start scratching till we know where the fleas are biting.
[Both Laughing] [Wind Whistling] [No Audible Dialogue] [Man Screaming] Well, here I go.
Off to bring home the bacon.
[Chuckles] Of course, I've always been a hog for work.
[Laughing] Herman, it's been a week since you spoke to Mr.
Do you think I'll have a little surprise tonight when I open your pay envelope? Oh, yes, I think you'll have quite a surprise.
Oh, I just know it's going to be a real nice, big raise.
Well, Mr.
Gateman should appreciate all the hard work you've done.
After all, anyone with his experience and all his years in the business should recognize a live one when he sees one.
Well, yes, dear.
Uh, good-bye.
I'll see you later tonight.
[Door Creaks Open, Closes] [Exhales] Well, Marilyn, we could certainly use a little extra money around here.
For one thing, Eddie needs a new cover for his bed.
The old one is getting so warped, he can hardly close it at bedtime.
Hey, Mom.
! Mom.
! Pop went off to work without his lunch box.
Oh, dear.
Well, thank you, Eddie.
Now go back to the kitchen and finish your breakfast.
Would you like me to drop it off on my way to class? No, Marilyn.
I'll just call the parlor, leave a message for Herman with Mr.
Oh, uh, Uncle Herman could eat in a restaurant today.
He says there's one around the corner that usually empties out whenever he gets there.
Gateman, Goodbury and Graves? This is Mrs.
Herman Munster.
I'd like to leave a message for my husband.
You see, he He what? When? Are you sure? Well I see.
Well, thank you very much.
Aunt Lily, what happened? All the color's rushed into your face.
What happened? Herman's going to work every morning this week has been a fraud.
The big goofball got fired last Monday.
What I want to know is what's Herman been doing this past week after he left the house every morning? He's been out looking for work.
He's had five jobs in five days.
You can't ask for a better record than that.
He's a perfect failure.
I'm sure, Mr.
Tom Fong, sir, if you'd consider hiring me, I'd live up to all your expectations.
I advertised "Boy Wanted.
" You sure number one big boy all right.
Thank you.
Tell me, you ever work in laundry before? No.
I, uh, I never have.
I thought maybe you got caught in mangle.
Hey, I betcha I know what happened, you rascal.
You have fight over girl, and boyfriend make you chop, chop, chop on the kisser.
I don't think so.
Uh, I mean, if anyone had gone chop-chop on my kisser, I think I'd be the first to know.
[Laughs] [Laughs] You know, I think you're gonna be all right.
You come over here.
I go show you something, learn you business upside down.
I go take you in the back room and show you modus operandi.
"Modus operandi?" Yeah.
I "clue you in," Charlie.
Watch yourself.
Oh, boy.
Come here now.
Now you see I got here two machine.
That dryer, that one over there a washer.
You take the dirty clothes, you put in a washer.
When bell ring, you take wet clothes and you put in the dryer.
[Rings] When this bell rings, you take out dryer, put in clean hamper, get more dirty clothes, put in washer.
You do same thing all the time, back and forth, back and forth, every time the bell ring.
You dig? Uh, when bell ring on dryer, put dry clothes in hamper.
That good.
When bell ring on washer, put wet clothes in dryer.
Uh, then put more dirty clothes in washer.
Boy, you very good.
Now come here.
I show you more.
When you get all clothes, you bring over here and you iron.
Now, when you iron, no goof off.
You concentrate.
Don't worry, I'll use my head.
Oh, I don't know.
I think more better use iron.
More flatter.
You keep on do that till whole mess clean up.
You got it, Charlie? Got it.
Now come here.
If you get in trouble any kind of trouble that emergency valve, you know? And you turn emergency valve, that shut off everything.
You got it, Charlie? Gotcha.
All right.
Oh, uh, excuse me, Mr.
Tom Fong, sir.
But aren't you going to be here? No, no.
I go lunch now.
I go down the street and get a enchilada.
Well, fine, but, uh, what should I do if a customer comes in? Hide.
Grandpa? Grandpa? What is it, Lily? Where are you going? Out.
I'm just not gonna stand by and see my poor Herman buffeted and submerged by the cruel waves of misfortune.
"Waves?" What happened? Did the bum get a job as a lifeguard? No.
He doesn't have any job.
And as his wife, I'm going to do something about it.
What can you do? I can do what women have done for centuries.
"Women have done for centuries?" I get it.
She's going to butt in and ruin his life.
? This is the way we wash our clothes? ? Wash our clothes Wash our clothes? ? This is the way we wash our clothes so early in the morning?? - [Ringing] - The bell.
Uh, when bell rings on dryer, put dry clothes in hamper.
- [Rings] - Bell.
But, l Oh.
Uh, when bell rings on washer, put wet clothes in dryer.
Now, put more dirty clothes in washer.
That was easy.
Herman, you got it made.
- [Rings] - The bell? Boy, that was quick.
[Bell Ringing] - [Buzzer Rings] - [Rings] - [Ringing] - [Ringing] [Bell Ringing] [No Audible Dialogue] [Ringing Continues] [Ringing Continues] [Ringing] [Clattering] [Hissing] Sprinkler system? [Frustrated Groan] In other words, Mrs.
Munster, you're asking me to reinstate your husband in our employ? Oh, yes, Mr.
Think of it.
He's been here for 17 years.
Why, your parlor has become his home away from home.
Really, uh, I'm afraid my mind is made up.
But you can't take all this away from him.
Herman's always been so happy among the flowers and the wreaths.
Surrounded by the restful strains of the organ music, doing the thing he loves best.
He was just saying to me the other night, "Lily," he said, "that place really grabs me.
" Well, that's quite a compliment.
But he demanded an increase in salary.
I'm afraid down here we're not used to raising people.
? This is the way we quit the job quit the job, quit the job? [Blows] ? This is the way we quit the job? [Sighs] ? So early in the morning?? [Bubbling] Oh, Mr.
You must give Herman back his job.
He thinks of you not only as just an employer, but as a father.
I never told anyone this before, but, well, at home, he often refers to you as "Da-Da Gateman.
" Really, Mrs.
Munster? Oh, I tell you I tell you, pussycat looks up to you the way Richard Chamberlain looks up to Raymond Massey.
[Crying] Mrs.
Munster, that's the nicest thing that anybody ever said to me.
I'll take him back and give him his raise.
[Crying] Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Please, go now.
I mustn't cry anymore.
There's a big affair at the cemetery this afternoon I can't afford to show up dry.
Oh, thank you, you dear, sweet, kind man.
Um, we won't tell Herman that I talked to you, will we? Oh, of course not, Mrs.
It's no use, Grandpa.
I've lost six jobs in the last five days.
I'm no good.
Even in the laundry business I'm all washed up.
That's right, Herman.
Your next step should be skid row.
But with PresidentJohnson wiping out poverty, a bum like you has got no place to go.
I shouldn't have been so cocky when I asked for that raise.
Fate has dealt me a deserving blow.
As has been said so many times, "He who blows his own horn only ends up with a fat lip.
" After all, l [Ringing] The bell! The bell! I gotta get the clothes out of the washer! Will you take it easy? It's only the telephone.
[Ringing] [Ringing Continues] Hello.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Uh, sir, about the other day, I'm very sorry.
I had no intention of You want me to what? Report for work in the morning? You found you couldn't get along without me? Well, I'll tell you, Gatey, old boy, I've had a few other offers, and I'd, uh, like time to consider what's best for me in this situation.
Oh, boy.
One minute he's Little Orphan Annie, the next minute he's Charles de Gaulle.
I can have my raise.
Well, I guess under those circumstances, I would be willing to resume in your employ.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] You're very kind.
[Laughing] Oh, boy, Herman! You got your job back and the raise.
What did you expect? Oh, you're home, dear.
Herman, I found out all about your losing your job, and I want you to know that we're behind you a hundred percent.
Oh, yes, Uncle Herman.
We'll help you in any way we can.
Now, now, now.
That's not necessary.
It just so happens Mr.
Gateman has just called and has begged me to come back.
Herman, you don't mean to tell me Of course, I insisted on the raise, but I knew sooner or later he'd come around.
Oh, Herman.
You're so forceful, and you're such a marvelous husband and father to your little brood.
You know, Herman, we look up to you to guide us and protect us against the trials and tribulations of life.
You have made right here at home our own ponderosa.
Aw, shucks, girl.
Uh, on top of that, I ain't never said a discouraging word.