The Neighborhood (2018) s02e12 Episode Script

Welcome to the Freeloader

1 (KNOCKING) Oh, hey, Calvin.
What's up? Hey, can I borrow some milk for my cereal? Malcolm used up all of ours.
But your bowl's empty.
Yeah, he finished all the cereal, too.
Do you have anything that's magically delicious? Yeah, sure.
Let me get you some of Grover's good stuff.
You want the sugar-free quinoa flakes or the date-sweetened fiber puffs? I'll take a banana.
Oh, yeah, L.
is way different than Hickory Corners It's always sunny, there's tons of culture, and nobody grocery shops shirtless.
- (QUIETLY): Honey, who is that? - My sister.
Brittany? Do not give her money, and do not invite her here.
Of course! We'd love for you to visit.
No! N (LOUDLY): Hey, uh, Gemma, did you read this article on California earthquakes? They say the big one is coming any day now.
(LOUDLY): I wouldn't worry about that.
I've lived in California my whole life.
Never been hurt in an earthquake.
(QUIETLY): What are you doing? That's for your sucky cereal.
All right, well, love you, too.
Wow, Dave, there's actually someone out there you don't like? What's her secret? Calvin, you don't understand.
Gemma's sister is a total disaster.
She flakes on everything, nothing's ever her fault, and the only time we ever hear from her is when she needs something.
- That's not true.
- Oh, yeah? What about the time she asked you for a kidney? That's not fair.
It wasn't even for her.
O-Okay, okay, so she's still figuring her life out.
- But she's got a good heart.
- Yeah, which she probably suckered someone into giving her.
You know, she sounds like Tina's cousin Lamar, who she found out wasn't her cousin, or named Lamar.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Well, then you know what I'm talking about and why the last person I want here is Oh, Brittany.
Surprise! Brittany! Oh, my God! Forget the banana.
This is magically delicious.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
I can't believes called you're really here.
Thought it'd be a fun surprise.
(CHUCKLES) Like when you showed up on our honeymoon.
That was the best two weeks ever.
Thanks again for bailing me out.
Mexican jails are no bueno.
Uh, so, Brittany, what brings you here? I know it wasn't Greyhound, because they banned you.
I've always wanted to come to California, and I finally finished dental hygiene school.
(GASPS) You graduated? Congratulations! Oh, no, I didn't say I graduated.
I just stopped going.
Uh, uh, what about the money we gave you for tuition? Oh, don't worry, I used it, and I enrolled in a cosmetology course.
Oh, that's great.
How's it going? Oh, I quit that, too.
They wanted me to go four days a week, and it's, like, I want to be a cosmetologist, not a doctor.
Okay, well, it was great of you to stop by on your way to somewhere else.
Actually, I was kind of hoping I could hang here until I figured out my next move? Of course.
You're my little sister.
You can stay as long as you want.
So, where am I crashing? You can sleep in my room.
I have bunk beds.
Ha-ha! It'll be like we're cellmates.
- (SIGHS) - Hey, Dave.
How's the new roommate working out? Are you as miserable as I hope? Even worse.
She has been here one day, and she already broke the oven, erased our DVR, and this morning (SIGHS) she used my karate gi as a bathrobe.
Dave, you got yourself a freeloader on your hands.
And it's your own fault for putting up with it.
What am I supposed to do? She's Gemma's sister.
Family doesn't get a pass.
I don't care if she was my mama.
Calvin Butler would nip that nonsense in the bud.
Kee-ya! Ha! Hey, guys.
Oh, Pop, just a heads-up.
I went over the family data limit, so the phone bill's gonna be a little bit high.
(CHUCKLES): Lot of great fights on YouTube this month.
Well, good thing you nipped that nonsense in the bud.
Oh, and, uh, for the record, it's Kee-ya! Hey, Ma, is it cool if I borrow your car tonight? Oh, sure, baby.
But it's just about out of gas.
Oh, don't worry, I got you.
Where's your gas card? Her gas card? You do know they take your cash? Yeah, Pop, but then Mom wouldn't get her points.
Yeah, Calvin why are you trying to take my points? What are they even for? I don't know, but they're mine and I want 'em.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, what are you doing? I'm getting a piece of garlic bread.
Yeah, but the middle piece? That's the one with the best crust-to-butter ratio.
What's the big deal, man? It's just bread.
Oh, "it's just bread.
" Bread that you didn't buy or that you didn't cook.
Well, Calvin, you didn't cook it, either.
I'm trying to make a point, Tina.
So now you want your points? (SIGHS): Uh, look he's had a job for a while now, and it's just time for him to stop being a freeloader.
A freeloader? Yeah.
You know, I'm tired of him not chipping in, so I'm nipping it in the bud right now.
Kee-ya! Calvin, Malcolm is not a freeloader.
He's just trying to get on his feet.
Well, what he needs to do is go in his wallet and give me some bread for this bread.
You know what? Fine.
If that's the way you want it.
Here you go.
Five dollars? That's all I have on me.
Well, in that case Enjoy your salad.
I didn't think you were home.
Your car isn't out front.
Oh, yeah.
Brittany took it to go get coffee.
You let her borrow your car? That is so nice.
Oh, I didn't say "borrow.
" I said "took.
" Along with $20 and my favorite sunglasses.
Dave, she's my little sister.
What do you want me to do? I want you to stop enabling her.
The reason she quits everything that she does is she knows that you'll be right there to bail her out.
Sometimes literally.
Dave, I'm not enabling here.
I'm being supportive.
Things just don't come as easily to her.
Well, just so you know, Grover said her Ouija board spelled out "lend Brittany money" last night.
Look, it's not like she's staying forever.
We both know in a few days she'll get bored and take off right after she asks for a clean urine sample.
Hey, guys.
Guess what? You lost my sunglasses? Yep, that, too.
What I meant was, I finally figured out what I'm gonna do with my life.
I'm gonna be an actor.
What? (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) I was in the coffee shop and I was arguing with the barista of whether or not I brought the tip jar with me, when this talent agent comes up, and he says he's going to make me a star.
Oh, sweetie, I know that sounds exciting, but I'm not sure that that's the way it works.
Oh, uh, she's right.
It's a scam.
Con artists preying on naive dreamers.
I was devastated.
No, this guy's totally legit.
He already got me an audition for a commercial tomorrow.
Really? Yeah.
(GIGGLES) So looks like I'm here to stay.
You hear that? She's here to stay.
Whew! And we are here to be supportive.
BRITTANY: This is so exciting! I'm gonna go practice my lines up in my room.
Now, that's a juicy burger.
(AFFECTED): Now, that's a juicy burger! That's a juicy This is a disaster.
Dave, it's not as bad as it seems.
Yes, it is.
Those were my sunglasses! It should've been me! Oh, that looks tasty.
Salami and cheese? Oh, yeah, and all the fixings.
That'll be seven bucks.
(CHUCKLES) You can make it a combo for a dollar more.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) You know, actually, Pop, what you said last night made a whole lot of sense.
I shouldn't be eating your food.
So I went out and I bought my own.
Steppin' up, like I asked.
You know what? Fix me one of those, and, um, make it a combo.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I would, Pop, but this is all stuff I bought myself.
You see? I put my name on it.
You're putting your name on meat now? Who are you, Oscar Mayer? Yeah, well, this way, you eat your food and I eat mine.
Mm-hmm! You know what? That is a good idea.
- Mm.
- Maybe I should start putting my name on stuff I paid for.
(CHUCKLES) Look at that looks like your sandwich is on my plate.
Well, lucky for me, this meal is handheld.
That is lucky for you.
But what is not lucky for you is that your food is in my fridge.
Not a problem.
I'll get a mini fridge for my room.
A problem.
Because your room is in my house.
Well, in that case, maybe I need a place of my own.
Maybe you do.
Well, maybe I should go look for one right now.
Maybe you should.
You know what? Fine.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) Hello? CALVIN: I just wanted to remind you that's my phone.
Well, I hope you're happy.
I just got off the phone with Malcolm.
He already found a place.
So he's still using my phone? Calvin, your son is moving into a one bedroom with four strangers all because the both of you are too stubborn to back down.
Me? Stubborn? I'll sit here all day and argue that.
Come on, Tina.
Moving out is gonna be good for him.
- How? - Well, for starters, with him out of the house, I don't have to wear pants anymore.
That's not good for him, that's good for you.
Well, actually, it's good for you.
You need to apologize to your son and tell him he can stay, or things are gonna get ugly around here.
How ugly? Remember the Valentine's Day you bought me a toaster? Uglier than that.
(YAWNS): Good morning.
Seriously? For the last time, stop wearing my gi.
It's a slap in the face to Sensei Chad.
So, how are you feeling? Are you ready for your big audition? Oh, yeah, Grover and I rehearsed all night.
Check it out.
Now, that's a tasty burger.
I thought it was a "juicy" burger? Yeah, but I decided "juicy" isn't a word my character would use.
And yet, you have it tattooed on your lower back.
So, what time do you have to be there? Not until 9:00.
Brittany! It's 8:45.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Okay, I'm just gonna eat something really quick and then we'll go.
- Where's your pancake mix? - What? No! No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No pancakes.
Go put on some clothes.
If we hurry, we can still make it.
I'll meet you in the car.
We'll just hit up a drive-through on the way there.
I got some boxes, so I'll be out of your way by tonight.
Look, about that, um, things got a little out of hand yesterday, so you don't have to move out if you don't want to.
Oh, thank you, Pop.
You know, I've been feeling bad about the way things went down, too.
Well, go tell your mom I said all that sensitive crap.
And, uh, you know, tell her we hugged.
(CHUCKLES) She'll eat that stuff up right there.
Wait, so you're only saying you want me to stay because Mom made you? Yeah.
You expect me to wear pants the rest of my life? You know what? Do whatever you want, because I'm not gonna be here to see it.
Really? You gonna act like that after I said everything your mama made me say? I-I expected more from you.
And this is exactly what I expected from you.
What is that supposed to mean? I don't know, ask Mom.
Ha! Well, the joke's on you, because she's not talking to me.
Oh, you're back.
How'd the audition go? Not great.
Brittany "accidentally" spilled coffee on another actress and then asked the casting director when the baby was due.
She wasn't pregnant? No, he wasn't.
Now that's a juicy burger.
Dave, when she comes down, please be nice to her.
She's in a very fragile state right now.
Oh, I don't care what state she's in, as long as it's not California.
But I will be nice.
Well, my agent just called.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
- I know how much you wanted this.
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
What are you guys talking about? I got the part.
- What?! - Of course.
Yeah, they said they loved my "spunky, unpredictable energy," which is funny, 'cause that's exactly what my parole officer hated.
Uh, you did it.
Too bad I had to turn it down.
- What? - Of course.
Why would you turn it down? Well, think about it.
If I booked my first audition, I am clearly a great actor.
And great actors don't do commercials.
But this is a huge opportunity.
You're just gonna throw it away? Yeah.
Plus, they said it was gonna air in Mexico, and I've got mucho warrants down there.
You know what? Dave is right.
I do enable you.
(LAUGHS) I have given you so many chances and made so many excuses for you, and all you do is screw it up.
But I am done.
You need to get your stuff and go home, now.
I know.
You're right.
I'm a disaster.
And the worst part is, I don't even know why.
I-I quit anything I start, anything good in my life I find a way to ruin.
Even our relationship.
You're the best big sister anybody could have, and all I do is I-I just take advantage of you.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go pack my things.
Uh, Brittany, wait.
I'm sorry I said that.
Please, please, please don't go.
Are you sure? Of course.
You're my little sister.
And scene.
Wait, what? (GIGGLES) I told you.
I am a great actor.
(GIGGLES) You just made all that up? Not all.
I stole a few lines from Gossip Girl.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
All right.
- That's it.
You need to leave now.
- What? - You heard me.
- Okay, but No, I'm not giving you my pee.
Haters gonna hate.
(GRUNTS) You did it.
You finally stood up to her.
I know, but I was so harsh.
Do you think she'll get over it? Of course she's gonna get over it.
I'll tell you what I'll never get over.
She is a way better actor than I'll ever be.
Well, that's everything.
You know, I can't believe you and your father are being so stubborn about this.
He's the stubborn one.
I just refuse to give in.
Calvin, Malcolm's leaving! Don't you have anything to say to him? Fine.
Seriously? You two have nothing to say to each other? - Nope.
- Nope.
See, that's what your problem is you're too much alike.
- No, we're not.
- No, we're not.
You know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is a good idea.
With Malcolm gone, you can finally watch football all by yourself without anyone to debate about who's the best player, or argue over calls.
Sounds good to me.
And, Malcolm, you won't be stuck playing cards with your dad.
You know, talking about politics and what's going on in the world.
That's right.
I can do that with my roommates.
Yeah, and since two of you sleep in the living room, y'all can chitchat all night long.
Yeah, that's that's gonna be fun.
And, Calvin, you don't have to remind Malcolm about taking the trash out anymore, because you'll be doing it! That's right.
Well, now that we all agree this is for the best Calvin, tomorrow's trash day.
Malcolm, don't let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
So, uh really? Two of y'all sleep in the living room? It's not as bad as it sounds.
We got a line of tape down the middle.
Well, fine.
I hope you enjoy watching football with him.
Well, actually, we don't have cable, which would be useless anyway, because we don't have a TV.
What?! Man, that's crazy.
Every man deserves to watch football.
I think that's in the Constitution.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come over Sunday and watch one of the games? Okay, that'd be cool.
Of course there's also MondayNight Football.
And Thursday.
That would be a lot of driving back and forth.
Especially without your mama's gas card.
(LAUGHS) Well, maybe you should finish out the season here.
That does seem like the logical solution.
Yeah, all right.
Well, uh, maybe you should just stay for a little while.
Yeah, for a little while.
All right.
Well, good.
Come on.
Let me help you get these boxes in, son.
Hey, you know what, Pop? If I am gonna stay here for a little while, I think I should start paying rent.
You damn straight you are.
And I'm talking market rate.
I don't play that rent control.
Hey, Dave.
You take Brittany to the airport? Actually, the train station.
She says the airport is "bounty hunter central.
" (CHUCKLES) Well, congratulations.
You got rid of your freeloader.
Oh, not me.
It was all Gemma.
What about you? Uh, you and Malcolm figure everything out? Yeah.
You know, um, he and Tina begged me not to kick him out, so, what are you gonna do, you know? Dave, we got to go.
Where? The train station just called.
Apparently, they have a jail.
(MALCOLM LAUGHS) Oh, check out this crazy white girl fighting on YouTube.
Brittany?! Damn! She put that conductor to sleep.
And look at that.
She's wearing my sunglasses!