The Neighborhood (2018) s02e13 Episode Script

Welcome to the New Pastor

1 Okay, Grover, this is it.
If the kicker misses, we stay alive, and those losers go home.
But if he misses, won't he feel sad? Yeah, he'll be devastated.
It's my favorite part of football.
Okay, here comes the kick.
(EXHALING SHARPLY) Yes! No good! No good! Ha! That's so good! Look at his look at his face.
Oh, what happened? The kicker missed the field goal.
Aw.
He must feel so sad.
Is Tina still at church? It's getting kind of late.
Yeah, she's on the selection committee to choose a new pastor.
She really likes this latest candidate.
Ooh, is he the "fire and brimstone" type, or more of a hip, guitar-playing dude who's down with the G-O-D? I haven't met him.
But Tina spending Sundays at church lets this dude be down with the NFL.
(CHUCKLES) And if that's not the Lord's work, I don't know what is.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) Oh.
Hey, guys.
This is Pastor Don.
Pastor Don, this is my lovely husband, Calvin, our neighbor Dave and his son Grover.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
It's nice to meet you all.
So, uh what brings you by, Pastor, just before the late game starts? Well, I invited him to join us for Sunday dinner.
- (TURNS OFF TV) - There.
Whoa, whoa, Tina, what are you doing? I didn't invite the pastor over here to watch football.
I brought him here to get to know us better.
Well, let me start by letting you know - how much I love football.
- (TURNS ON TV) (CHUCKLES) Calvin.
Fine.
- (TURNS OFF TV) - Hey.
That's the same face the kicker made.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
So, Pastor Don, congratulations on your new job.
Or should I say "Job.
" So, uh, blasphemy's okay, but I can't watch football? You know, the truth is, I-I don't have the job yet.
I'm still on a trial run.
All right, everyone, dinner is served.
All right.
You know, if we cut down on the chitchat, we can be done by halftime.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, so, Pastor, why don't you sit here at the head of the table? Right, Calvin? Of course.
Well, here, take my seat.
I left it nice and warm for you.
Okay, so, Pastor Don, would you do the honor of saying grace? - My pleasure.
- Ah.
Father God, we ask that you bless this meal, everyone here, and especially bless - Sister Tina, - Mm-hmm.
- the one who made it.
- (GIGGLES) Can you throw in something about my spelling test tomorrow? (LAUGHING) Grover.
No, it's okay.
I like the boy's spirit.
Hey, you all should join us at church on Sunday.
We'd love to! Ooh, I've always wanted to wear one of those big fancy church hats.
And now I finally have a big fancy chance.
Ah, look at that, table neighbor.
The Lord just keeps bringing us together.
God is good.
Yes, He is.
No matter what Sister Rose said about Him at Bible study.
(TINA AND PASTOR DON LAUGH) Hey, what-what'd she say? Oh, it's a long story.
You had to be there.
But your comeback was hilarious.
(LAUGHING) Wha What was your comeback? (LAUGHS): Oh Baby, you had to be there for that, too.
Well, I'm glad I was.
Sister Rose was so embarrassed, she pretended she was speaking in tongues.
(LAUGHS) That that's funny.
You know what it reminds me of, is last week in the supermarket when the checkout guy said, "ketchup sauce.
" (LAUGHING): Remember that, Tina? Uh-huh.
That was funny, too.
(LAUGHS): Man, I wish I was there.
Ah, "ketchup sauce.
" That sounds hysterical.
You know, you all have such a lovely home.
How would you feel about hosting Bible study here - this Thursday night? - (GASPS) - We'd love to! - We would? Yeah.
I mean, yeah, we would.
Yeah.
Oh-ho-ho! - Ha-ha! - Damn it! It's like you knew I was gonna do a fake punt.
I did.
You literally just said, "Watch this fake punt.
" I was talking to my team.
Quit listening to my huddle! (LOUD THUMPING) Uh, what was that? That's my new upstairs neighbor.
(THUMPING CONTINUES) Man, that has got to be annoying.
Yeah, that's not all.
Yesterday he parked his pickup truck so close to my car, I had to climb out through the trunk.
Oh, man.
Wait, do you have security cameras in your garage? Oh, you mean so I could show the landlord? No.
So I can watch you squeeze your nerdy ass out of that trunk.
(LAUGHING) Hey, Calvin.
Oh, hey, Gemma.
It was so nice getting to know Pastor Don last night.
He's very charming.
Yeah, he's fine.
Uh-oh.
That's the same "fine" Dave's mom gave me when I asked her how I looked in my wedding dress.
You know, I just don't like how chummy he is with Tina.
Did you see him hold her hand at dinner? Calvin, we were saying grace.
Well, did you see what he did after dinner? What kind of pastor drinks scotch? You offered it to him.
As a test which he failed.
I don't know, this guy's up to no good.
Well, to be honest, I know how you feel.
- You do? - Yeah.
Women are always throwing themselves at Dave.
Did you date another Dave before this one? I'm just saying, if your gut's telling you something, trust it.
Yeah, you're right.
I need to keep an eye on him.
Hmm.
It's not easy, but it's the price we pay for falling in love with hotties.
All right.
Now, if I can trap him into taking my bishop, I can take his queen.
Ha! Now you're talking to yourself.
Actually, I was talking to you.
Ha.
Checkmate.
(CHUCKLES) - (LOUD THUMPING) - Yo, seriously, you haven't taken care of this cowboy yet? I sure did.
I confronted the guy and told him what's what.
- Oh, you did? - Yes.
Via a friendly note I slid under his door.
But I think the Starbucks gift card sent quite a message.
Marty, you have backed down from stuff your whole life.
Remember your first day at USC when one of your professors called you Morty, and you never corrected him? It wasn't that big a deal.
Your diploma says Morton Butler! (THUMPING CONTINUES) Okay, Marty, I could go upstairs and take care of this for your sorry ass.
Yes, that'd be great.
Come on, little bro, you can't keep running from your problems forever.
Think about it what would Yoda tell you to do? (SIGHS) I guess he'd say (IMITATING YODA): Confront him, you should.
Exactly.
Then why are you still standing here? Because stalling, I am.
All right, everyone, let's dig in and see what the Lord has to say about helping those in need.
But first, what I need is another piece of Sister Tina's delicious peach cobbler.
Aw.
Thank you, Pastor.
Ask and you shall receive.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, thank you.
Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, baby, what are you doing here? I thought you were playing poker with the guys.
I changed my mind.
Tonight I'm betting it all on God.
(CHUCKLES) Well, Brother Calvin, you came to the right place.
And you're sitting in the wrong one.
Okay, come on.
Oh.
Sorry.
Now, to quote Jesus after he rose from the dead: "What'd I miss?" I want to thank you both so much for hosting tonight.
No.
Thank you.
- Your words were so inspiring.
- Oh, thank you.
Good stuff, now.
All right.
Thank you, Brother Calvin.
Sister Tina, I'll see you Sunday morning.
Ooh, she'll be there.
My wife 30 years, two kids! Hmm.
We might even have another one! Calvin, what is wrong with you? You were acting so weird during Bible study.
Weird how? Well, first of all, you were at Bible study.
All right, you want to know the truth? I don't like this Pastor Don guy.
You know, I think he got his eyes on you.
(SCOFFS) Oh, please, Calvin.
He's just trying to butter me up because I'm on the selection committee.
Nah, Tina.
It's more than that.
This guy's a snake in our garden, and he's trying to take a bite of your apple.
You said that about our dry cleaner, the guy at the gas station, and our dentist.
Well, he never told me I had a beautiful smile.
You know, Calvin, I don't have time for this, all right? And for your information, our dentist is gay.
His husband thinks you have a beautiful smile.
You got this, okay? You are the man, and you are about to shut this chump down.
(SINGSONGY): Hello? Hello.
Oh.
Uh H-Hi.
Hi.
I-I-I'm I'm-I'm Morton.
I mean Morty.
I-I mean, I am, um, - Marty, your downstairs neighbor.
- (LAUGHS) I'm Keira.
Oh.
You're the guy who left me that gift card.
That was so thoughtful.
Oh, it's no big deal.
You know, I would do it for anyone who was on top of me.
I mean, uh, I mean, under-underneath you.
I mean Ah welcome to the building.
(LAUGHS) Thanks.
Hey, uh, actually, if it's not too weird, would you mind helping me with something? What? Are you kidding? If it's weird, I'm into it.
I mean, uh, uh, I would be I'd be happy to help.
I've been trying to move furniture by myself.
Sorry if I was a little loud.
Oh, not at all.
In fact, it was so quiet, I thought maybe a mouse had moved in.
Are you calling me short? What? No! No, I didn't even notice your body.
Well, I mean, I noticed your body.
- (CHUCKLES) - (SCOFFS) So, you needed some help with something? Yeah.
Can you help me slide this couch against the wall? - It's too heavy to lift.
- Oh Maybe it's too heavy for you, but Also for me.
(SCREAMS) (MUFFLED SCREAMING) Oh! I'm coming, baby bro, I'm coming! But I'm coming strapped! I'm gonna lay down my burden Down by the riverside What are you doing? I'm prepping for church with Calvin and Tina.
Down by the riverside Why? Well, because it's gonna be different from the church that we go to, and I want to be respectful.
Which is why I watched a bunch of YouTube videos, Sister Act, and eight Madea movies.
Whoa! Are you gonna do backflips down the aisle like that nun? (CHUCKLES) Grover, don't be silly.
She's 80.
I'm gonna get way more air than her.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Calvin.
Hey.
Dave, is Gemma here? I need her to talk some sense into Tina.
Actually, she's at a PTA meeting.
What's going on? I'm pretty sure that Pastor Don is making moves on Tina.
What? Did something happen? I mean, not exactly, but he's made excuses to see her every night this week.
"Let's go visit the elderly.
" "Oh, come help me feed the homeless.
" I'm telling you, he's a bad dude.
Okay.
Uh, or is it possible what you're actually upset about is that Pastor Don is connecting with Tina in a way that you're not? (SCOFFS) That's crazy.
Is it? Look, Tina's church life is obviously important to her, and maybe Pastor Don is just filling a void that you choose not to.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Remember, Calvin.
"Don't judge or you will be judged.
" Wow, Dave.
I didn't know you knew scripture so well.
Actually, I-I got that from Whoopi Goldberg.
I'm so sorry.
Is your foot okay? Oh, it's fine.
Pinky toes are totally cosmetic.
(CHUCKLES) (POUNDING ON DOOR) Get your damn hands off my brother, you surprisingly tiny lady.
Uh, Keira, this is my brother, Malcolm.
Malcolm, this is Keira.
(CHUCKLES): Hey.
Oh, so you're the one who's Drives the really cool truck I've been telling you about.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
What's with the rocket? Oh.
Um, it's a, uh a housewarming gift.
(CHUCKLES) Right, Marty? Uh, yep.
Yep.
Uh, signed by Buzz Aldrin and everything.
(CHUCKLES) Well, thank you.
Hey, you guys are my first houseguests.
- Let me get some beers to celebrate.
- MALCOLM: Okay.
(CHUCKLES) She is cute.
- Yeah, I know.
- (CHUCKLES) Thank you for making me come up here.
Yeah, you see what happens when you stand up for yourself? (EXHALES) Yeah, man.
In fact, I'm gonna do it now.
Get the hell out of here.
("I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR" PLAYING) I need thee Every hour All right, buddy.
Now, remember, we're guests here, so let's be respectful and just try to blend in.
Oh, my God.
Look at all these hats.
I knew I shouldn't have gotten the small one.
Okay, I'm warning you, Calvin.
You better not embarrass me in front of Pastor Don.
(SIGHS) Don't worry, I won't.
I think maybe I was wrong about him.
Wait, did you just admit to being wrong? Okay, God, a deal's a deal.
I'm-a stop cursing.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, uh, I'm-a catch up with you in a second.
- Okay, baby.
- Brother Calvin, good to see you.
Are the Rams not playing today? Well, I decided that this was more important.
Plus, it's a night game.
Listen, I I just wanted to apologize about my behavior at Bible study.
The truth is is that I had this crazy idea that you was making moves on my wife.
You did? Yeah, you know how us guys can be.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Well, you have nothing to apologize for.
I completely understand.
Thanks, Pastor.
After all, Sister Tina's a very attractive woman.
Excuse me? As scripture says, "He who finds a good wife finds a good thing.
" Obviously, Tina's a good wife, but I'm more interested in the bad ones.
You heard that, right? (VOCALIZING) Bless Me now My savior (MUTTERING) Calvin.
What is wrong with you? I'm talking to God.
I got a complaint about one of his employees.
To Thee.
Good morning, church.
- Morning.
- Is it? Today's message comes from the Book of Revelations.
You got that right.
Now, everyone in here knows that God sees everything.
- CONGREGATION: Mm-hmm.
Amen.
- I see your ass.
Which is why we must stay vigilant against temptation.
That's right.
Walk the righteous path and cast out those who lead us astray.
No way.
I heard enough.
I need to testify.
Let Him use you, Calvin! Brother Calvin, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but we normally don't testify until the end of the service.
Yeah, well, today is different, 'cause there is a devil among us.
Thank you, Brother Calvin.
We'll look into that.
Now, if you open your Bibles to No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not done.
We are in the presence of a false prophet.
A wolf in sheep's clothing.
A man who covets other men's wives.
And I know that commandment is important 'cause it made the top ten list.
And that man's name is Pastor Don.
(CONGREGATION GASPS) Let your light shine, Calvin! Did you watch Sister Act again? If loving Whoopi is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Forgive Brother Calvin.
He knows not what he says.
I'm a man of deep faith who respects the sanctity of marriage.
I would never Hold up! You got other women on the side? You told me I was the only woman you were checking for.
Oh, so you just laying hands on everybody? Uh Unless you ready to meet the Lord, I suggest you get out of here right now.
Because, uh, this ain't the first fight Wanda's had at church.
I-I'm-a I'm-a (CHUCKLES): Oh-ho.
Uh-oh! Only God can save him now.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
Victory is mine Victory is mine Victory today is mine I told Satan - This church is awesome.
- I know.
As soon as we get home, I'm going hat shopping.
And this time, I'm going big.
Speaking of going big, give me some room.
It's backflipping time.
Uh Oh.
Babe, you doing okay? Are you kidding? Look at all of these good people rejoicing in the Lord, Calvin.
That is church.
- (CHUCKLES) - Amen to that.
Hey, you got to admit, though.
I was the only one that knew that Pastor Don was a snake.
Baby, you sure were.
(CHUCKLES) Which is why you're the newest member of our pastor selection committee.
- Yeah.
- Huh? We meet on, uh, Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays.
(CHUCKLES) Those are all my football days.
Take it up with God.
Victory Today is mine (LOUD CRASHING) Oh! Oh! It's okay.
I'm all I'm all right.
The drums broke my fall.
("VICTORY IS MINE" PLAYING) Victory is mine - Victory is mine - Victory Victory today is mine.