The Neighborhood (2018) s02e19 Episode Script

1 Hey, Tina.
How's it going? Don't ask.
Uh-oh.
Is that a "don't ask don't ask" or a "don't ask please ask"? Actually, I don't know why I'm asking, 'cause either way I'm gonna ask.
I just haven't been feeling right lately, so I went to the doctor, and he told me I'm starting menopause.
What?! You seem way too young for menopause.
Don't let this high-sittin' booty fool you.
It is holding on to my lower back for dear life.
Tina Butler, don't you talk about your booty that way.
Your booty is my booty's personal hero.
Face it, Gemma, I'm turning into an old lady.
If I try to drop it like it's hot now, I might not be able to pick it up.
That's ridiculous.
(SIGHS) You don't understand.
From here on out, it's all downhill.
My health is gonna fail, my memory is gonna go, and worst of all, I might start looking my age! Look, I-I know you're upset, but this is a natural part of life.
And you have an amazing partner in Calvin to help you through it.
Yeah.
It's just a huge thing, you know? I don't know how to tell him.
Well, however you decide to do it, I'm sure it will be right.
(DOOR OPENS) Hey, Tina.
What's for dinner? I'm starting menopause! No, that's okay.
I had a big lunch.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Hey, Calvin.
Whatcha doing? I'm just having some lunch, watching the game.
I'd offer you a slice, but I don't want to.
Why are you doing it out here when you got a couch and big-screen TV inside? Oh.
'Cause Tina is in there going through some major mood swings.
You ever seen someone yell, laugh and cry all at once? It's like a whole Lifetime movie crammed into one woman.
I'd watch that.
I'm telling you, man, this menopause thing is no joke.
I am walking on eggshells around there.
And not just because she threw a dozen eggs at me.
Gemma filled me in.
I figured something was up when Tina barked at me, "You keep walkin', Screech!" Let me guess she got all sad and teary-eyed after that.
One of us did.
Well, at this point, I think it's just best that I keep my distance until this whole mess blows over.
Well, Calvin, menopause isn't something that just "blows over.
" It's a big deal for women.
You know, when my mom went through it, she was afraid that men wouldn't see her as a sexual being anymore.
And I had to convince her that she was still smokin' hot.
Now, that's a Lifetime movie I would watch.
(KNOCKING) Hey, Marty.
Oh, hey, Grover.
Any chance I could come and do my laundry here? I asked my mom to do it, but she started crying, then laughing, then she threw an egg at me.
Sure.
Come on in.
Hey-hey, what's all this? I'm building a robot.
My school has a fighter bot competition next week, and I really want to beat Spencer.
Oh, Spencer.
Isn't that the kid that started that rumor that your mom still tucks you in? Yeah.
Total lie.
Yeah, I can relate.
When I was in middle school, some kid started a rumor that I practiced kissing on my Chewbacca doll.
That's gross.
No one would do that.
Yeah.
Total lie.
You know, if you want, I could give you some pointers while you build your robot.
Help you take this Spencer punk down.
That'd be great! Then we can track down the guy who started the rumor about you.
Yeah, well, we don't have to look far.
Malcolm lives right next door.
(GROANS) Malcolm! I'm having another hot flash! Crank up the air conditioner! Hey, come on, Ma, I'm already freezing to death in here.
Boy, don't test me.
My body may be out of eggs, but I'm not! (KNOCKING) - Get the door! ‭- (MUTTERS) (TINA GROANING) Hey, Gemma.
Hey, guys.
Oh! It's like a meat locker in here.
You see, Ma? Even the white people are cold in here.
Hey, girl.
Thanks for coming over.
It's so nice when young people come and visit you.
Okay, Tina, I have been thinking about what you're going through, and I realized I totally know how you feel.
You do? Yeah.
I know you're feeling old and past your prime.
I felt the exact same way when I turned 30.
Which is nothing like what you're going through.
Please don't throw an egg at me.
So, what's your point? I'm saying I felt like my days of adventure and youth were over.
But Dave figured out a way to help me.
How? He took me skydiving.
Skydiving? You mean like getting off a plane before it lands? Yeah.
I know it sounds crazy, but after I jumped, I felt wild and fun and alive.
And afterwards, the idea of getting older wasn't so scary anymore.
Ah.
I guess that makes sense.
And I think if you try it, you'll see that the most exciting parts of your life are still ahead of you.
You know what? What the hell? I'm in.
- (GASPS) - We're going skydiving.
Oh, I'm not going.
I worked out my mess.
Ho-ho! Nice job, little man.
Your design looks good.
Thanks.
Now, you sure your mama's okay with you using all her forks? If this thing works, I'll be making the rules around here.
Wow.
Looks like I helped build two monsters.
Here, let's give it a test run.
Attack this pillow.
- This is gonna be awesome! - ‭Yeah.
(WHIRRING LOUDLY) GROVER: No! Ah, should've seen this coming when your blueprints were in crayon.
What am I gonna do? I can't beat Spencer with this.
Little man, you can't beat a Caesar salad with this.
This is so embarrassing.
Spencer's gonna have the whole school making fun of me.
I should just give up.
Are you kidding? There is no way we're letting Spencer win.
What am I going to do? My robot just lost a pillow fight.
To a pillow! Okay, don't worry, I got a plan.
I'm gonna take this down to the robotics lab at JPL and give this thing some serious firepower.
You can do that? Well, I can definitely do better than a table setting for eight.
Awesome! I can't wait to tell my mom when she tucks me I mean, when I put myself to bed.
Yeah, that's okay.
We both know I made out with that doll.
Hey, beautiful.
Damn, it's white-people cold in here.
What's that behind your back? - These.
- ‭Oh (CHUCKLES) ‭They're gorgeous.
Oh.
And I got 'em from an actual flower shop this time, not that creepy dude that lives by the off-ramp.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, baby.
Mm! Hey, look, babe.
You know, as a man, there's no way for me to understand what you're feeling, and I just want to let you know that you're not in this alone.
So no matter what the future holds, you're my ride-or-die.
- That is really great to hear.
- Mm.
‭You know, 'cause I've been thinking about us doing something a little crazy.
You know? To make us feel young and wild again.
Well, all right! Oh! Malcolm! If you home, get out! No, no, no, baby.
I'm talking about something outside of the house.
Oh.
So you're trying to get freaky freaky.
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
All right, Malcolm, you can stay - We're leaving.
Come on, now.
- ‭No, no, no, no, baby.
We're not leaving.
We're going skydiving.
- Skydiving? - ‭Mm-hmm.
Please tell me that's a new position.
No.
I will be jumping out of an airplane tomorrow.
And now that I know we're in this together, I don't have to do it alone.
- Right? - ‭(CHUCKLES WEAKLY) C-C-Can men get the menopause? Huh? 'Cause I'm having a hot flash.
Oh.
Great.
I'm glad you're here.
Oh, here we go.
Whenever you're glad to see me, you need my help.
That's not true.
But I need your help.
Look, I need you to convince your mother not to go skydiving.
Why, Pop? Are you worried about her? No.
I'm worried about me.
Okay, then just tell her you don't want to go.
I can't do that.
This is important to the woman I love.
I got to pretend like I care.
Oh, so you want me to be the bad guy and kill her dreams so you don't have to? Good.
So you get it.
All right, today's the big day.
And I support that.
(QUIETLY): Come on.
Go.
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, Ma, look, about this whole, uh, skydiving thing? You know, I couldn't sleep all night worrying that something might happen to you.
I mean, jumping out of a plane That's really dangerous.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
It's a lot safer than you think.
Yeah, maybe, but still, what if something goes wrong? What if? Malcolm! Stop it! What? This is very important to your mother.
We raised you better than that.
(MOUTHING) Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, but-but think about the risk, right? Have you considered? Your mother's feelings? Because I have, and you should, too.
Oh, it's okay, Calvin.
You know, he's just You know what, Ma? Pop is right.
You should go.
- What? - ‭Yeah, I was being selfish.
I should be more supportive.
(CHUCKLES) Like you, Pop.
Aw.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- (BOTH LAUGH) Now, now, now, now, hold-hold on now.
You know, the-the more I think about it, Malcolm did make some good points.
And you're always telling him that he's smarter than I think he is.
Nope, you convinced me.
I was completely wrong.
(CHUCKLES) Go ahead, Ma.
I'll see you when you get back.
- Ah.
- (LAUGHS) If you get back.
Whoa! (WHIRRING) Is that my fighter bot?! It sure is.
Complete with an infrared, motion-activated targeting system and artificial intelligence.
Awesome! What does that mean? It means once we activate the AI, the robot controls itself.
So I didn't build it, and I don't control it.
How is this still my project? Well, I wrote your name on the bottom.
- It's good enough for me.
- All right.
Okay, let me show you how this works.
Okay.
(WHIRRING) Right now, it's learning its environment.
- (SOFT DINGING) - And now, it's looking for a target.
(BEEPING RAPIDLY) Uh, now we better run! Oh! (GROANING) Come on.
Thanks again for arranging this, Dave.
Yeah, Dave.
You definitely got some payback coming.
Ah.
Uh, wow, Calvin.
I thought you were gonna be mad about this.
Okay, jumpers, I hope you all enjoyed the instructional video.
And not to brag, but those were my hands doing the buckles.
So, does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I do.
Um, how dangerous is this? And, you know, I'm not asking for me, but our unsupportive son is very worried about us.
There's no reason to be afraid.
We've had thousands of jumps without any accidents.
One lady even jumped with her cat.
Spoiler alert it was me! (LAUGHS) Aw, that's so cute, but I ain't jumping with no damn cat.
‭Yeah.
Oh, don't worry.
He's not here, but want to see some pictures of him in his jumpsuit? Okay, Calvin I can tell that you're nervous, but trust me, you're gonna be fine.
In the military, I jumped dozens of times, and almost all of 'em went off without a hitch.
Almost? What do you mean "almost"? I don't really like to talk about it, but there was one night jump outside of Baghdad.
Yeah, our plane was under heavy fire, so we had to bail out fast and low, and I I got pretty messed up.
Wow.
Dave, were you shot? Oh, no.
I landed in an olive tree.
Spent the whole night fighting off this, oh, very horny owl.
Uh, quick follow-up.
Will there be owls? Oh, come on, Calvin.
Are you gonna do this with me or not? I thought you said you were my ride-or-die.
Yeah, but right now, I'm focusing on the "ride" part.
Okay, since you two are beginners, you're gonna be tandem jumping, which means you'll be strapped to an expert.
Tina, you're gonna be with me.
Ah.
And, uh, what expert will I be strapped to? Hey, buddy.
Oh, hell no.
I'd rather spend the night with a horny owl.
Okay, I think it's gone into sleep mode.
I'm gonna slowly get to the controller - and hit the kill switch.
- (WHIRRING LOUDLY) Whoa! Okay, plan B we live up here forever.
What are we gonna do?! Well, don't worry.
As long as we stay up here, we're perfectly safe.
So it can't climb stairs? We are not safe.
Oh Hey, guys.
What are you doing up there? - Mom, look out! - (WHIRRING) Oh, is that your little robot? Gemma, freeze! Okay, I don't have time to explain, but I built your son a killer robot.
It may have acquired the taste for blood.
What?! Why would you do that?! Because Malcolm said I kissed Chewbacca! Well, what do I do?! Okay, I can hear the panic in your voice.
- (ALARM SOUNDING) - And so can it.
Run! - What? Oh! - (SHRIEKING) Come on! Oh! - - Make it stop! Make it stop! - (SHRIEKS) - (WHIRRING LOUDLY) - (ELECTRONIC CHIMING) - Okay, stay here.
I'm gonna help her.
- (CLANKING, THUDDING, WHIRRING) - Oh! She was a nice lady.
Marty, I think this belongs to you.
How did you beat it? I'm married to Dave.
You think that's the first crazy robot I've had to kill? Dear Lord, I know I'm not a perfect man, but please let me land safely.
Amen.
Okay, guys, we're approaching the jump zone.
Who's ready to see if these new chutes work? Just kidding.
They're ancient.
(LAUGHS) Tina we're up.
Okay.
All right.
Uh Aah.
Aah.
All right.
Time for Tina Butler to show the world she ain't giving up! Let's do this! (STRAINING) Oh, hell no, I can't do it! - Oh.
(GROANING) ‭- No! I can't do it! I can't do it! - (PANTING) - ‭You can.
Yes, you can, Tina.
Aah.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I'm good.
I'm good.
I can do it.
(GROANING SOFTLY) Oh, God! Aah! - Aah! No! No! Oh.
- (GROANING) Oh, no.
Uh, I-I wa I shouldn't have brought you up here.
Why did I think I could do this? Tina, trust me, you're gonna be fine.
He's right.
Although by law, we can't guarantee that.
This was a stupid idea Trying to convince myself I'm young and adventurous.
I-I got to face it I-I-I'm too old, and it's too late.
No, Tina, don't you talk like that.
There's nothing old about you.
You're just trying to make me feel better.
No I'm not.
Now, Tina, I know that you think life is over, but it's not true.
You've got so many adventures left, and I'm gonna be right there by your side.
Like I said, I'm your ride-or-die, baby! Calvin, you can't see it, but my goggles are filling up with tears.
So what do you say, babe? Are you ready to jump out of this plane together? I love you, Calvin, but you don't have to do this.
Tina, I meant what I said about standing by your side.
Except for right now, 'cause I'm going first! Oh.
And in case I don't make it, I got 320 bucks in my sock drawer! No, you don't! I used it to pay for this! What? (YELLING) Oh.
All right, Tina, are you ready to do this? You're damn right! Now enjoy the ride on my high-sitting booty.
You're flying first class! (BOTH YELLING) See, Tina? Isn't this amazing? Oh, it sure is.
And you're not scared anymore? Oh, not at all.
In fact, I've never felt so peaceful.
(YELLING) Calvin, calm down! - Calm down! Oh - (YELLING) Calm down, Calvin! And look there's Calvin and Dave below us.
Oh, I wish I could see Calvin's face right now.
I bet he's loving this as much as I am.
(YELLING) (WHIMPERING) Oh, my God, you're worse than the owl! (YELLING) No! Aah! Aah!