The Neighborhood (2018) s02e20 Episode Script

Welcome to the Standoff

1 Okay, we're almost there.
(grunts) Calvin, how you doing on your side? I'm good.
(exhales) ‭Oh.
Whoa! What's that? I have no idea.
It just got delivered from my Grandpa Ed.
Well, it's not complaining about my cooking, so it can't be Grandma Jean.
All right, well, Calvin, help me open this thing up.
- All right.
- (both grunt) (Gemma gasps) Oh, my God! Hey, cool! It's Rudolph! So, just to be clear, this is not your grandmother? I can't believe it.
He gave me his moose head.
Why would your grandfather send you that? It looked so good in Michigan where I couldn't see it.
He must've remembered how much I love this thing.
You know, I was actually with him when he brought this magnificent beast down.
I didn't know you used to hunt.
Oh, I didn't.
We were driving to mini golf, and he hit it on Route 43.
I know how you feel, buddy.
I never saw Dave coming, either.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
(chuckles): What's up, Dave? You taking your moose for a walk? Yeah, you know, I was gonna put it up, but Gemma and I talked it over and agreed it should go in the garage.
Well, I guess we know who wears the antlers in your house.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you got run over worse than that moose did.
Come on.
I did not get run over.
You know, Gemma and I are equal partners.
We make all of our decisions together.
(chuckles) Let me tell you something about marriage, Dave.
Someone always makes the decisions.
And if you don't know who that is, it ain't you.
Come on.
That is just another one of your old-fashioned relationship theories, like how the husband can't be the little spoon.
Trust me, Dave.
Gemma's manipulating you.
You watch.
The next time you make a decision, you'll see.
She's calling all the shots.
That's where you're wrong.
Being the little spoon was my idea.
All I'm saying, if this were my moose head, it would be up on my wall right now no matter who didn't like it.
Well, in that case, do you want it? No, thank you.
If I wanted some big, goofy face in my living room, I'll invite you over.
- Oh, hey, babe.
- ‭Hey.
"Save the children.
" Junk.
- (chuckles): Oh.
- ‭What? Tina, our accountant finished our taxes.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, are we getting a refund? Hold-hold on now, 'cause this could go either way.
You're right.
You're right.
Come on, come on.
Lord everything we have is because of you.
So please don't make us share any of it with the government.
- Amen.
- (stammering) A-A-And, Lord, you know I was just playing about not saving the kids, right? - Amen.
- Amen.
‭All right.
Ooh, baby, open it.
- Okay.
- Oh Oh we gettin' a refund! (yells) Ha ha! Check it out, babe.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look at that.
And it's even got a comma in it.
You know what that means, right? You bet I do.
BOTH: Money dance! Money dance! Money dance! Money dance! Money dance! Ah, oh! Get it, baby, get it.
Get it, get it, get it, get it.
Get it, baby, get it.
Get it, get it, get it, get it.
Get it.
Hey! (laughs) You know, stuff like this is the reason I never have my friends come over.
Don't hate, Malcolm.
Your mom and I just found out we getting a fat tax refund.
Yeah, that's great, Pop.
Maybe you can use some of that money for the therapy I'm gonna need after seeing this.
Calvin, this is way more than last year.
What are we gonna spend it on? It is a lot, babe.
You know, maybe we can get that thing that we talked about.
- Mm, you're right.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, what y'all gonna get? - A massage chair.
- A trip to Italy.
Calvin, I've wanted to go to Italy for years; you know that.
Babe, a trip to Italy will be over in a week.
I can eat spaghetti in my massage chair forever.
I'm not getting a massage chair.
And I'm not going to Italy.
I don't know why tax season gets such a bad rap.
This is fun.
Oh, hey, honey.
How was work? Rough.
I had to fire our Latin teacher.
Really? Why? Turns out she doesn't speak Latin.
For the last six months she's just been making up words.
I'm exhausted.
What do you say we order dinner in? Oh, yeah.
What should we get? I don't care.
You pick.
You know, Italian sounds good to me.
Mm, perfect.
Although, Chinese sounds good, too.
Okay, then let's do Chinese.
Good choice, sweetie.
Whatever makes you happy.
So, you want to watch something tonight after Grover goes to bed? Oh, yeah, there's this new documentary that I really want to check out.
Unless you're more in the mood for a romantic comedy.
Let's do that, then.
Uh You know, summer's coming up, and, uh, we should really decide what camp to send Grover to.
Good thinking.
Is there one that you're leaning towards? I don't know, is is there one you're leaning towards? Honestly, I haven't had time to give it much thought.
Well, I was thinking soccer camp.
Then soccer camp it is.
Really? Yeah.
All right.
Although maybe art camp would be fun.
Good choice, sweetie.
I love it when you take control.
What's up, Pop? What's that? It's a gift basket for your mother.
It's my way of telling her we're going to Italy.
All right, check you out, Pop, being a good husband, taking your wife on her trip.
- Oh, I'm a great husband.
- Yeah.
But we ain't going nowhere.
I'm getting my massage chair.
Wait, say what? It's simple.
See, when she sees that I put what she wants above what I want, she'll feel way too guilty to accept the trip, and tell me to get my massage chair.
It's like they say: guilty wife, happy life.
Hey, who's that for? Aha.
This is for you.
It's my way of telling you that we are going to Italy.
The real one.
Not the little one downtown.
Oh, my God, are are you serious? Am I really going to Italy? Would I lie to you? You and I are going to roam around Rome and get it on in Milan.
Well, baby, what about your massage chair? Eh, you know, the more I thought about it, I just didn't feel right putting what I want over what you want.
No I'm just not that guy.
Malcolm, can you believe this man?! No.
Both of you need to stop.
Okay? Especially you, Malcolm.
Baby, you know what, this is so sweet of you, but I can't accept these.
What? Why ever would you say such a thing? Because if we went to Italy, the whole time, I'd feel guilty because you gave up what you wanted for me.
(sighs) Do you think you can return the tickets? I don't know, babe, uh Oh, yeah.
Look at there.
Looks like I did get the refundable ones, so Oh.
And, baby, you know what? I want you to take that money, and you get yourself that massage chair.
- Massage chair? - Yeah.
What? Oh, that.
(scoffs) Yes.
Yes! Yes.
Because you deserve it.
Well, Pop, I hope you're proud of yourself.
I am.
Because the gift basket is refundable, too.
Hey, sweetie, we're Holy moly! That's the moose head.
Oh, hey, guys.
What do you think? I think it's awesome.
We have something dead on our wall.
You got that right, bud.
And more good news.
We're having Italian for dinner.
And you know what the best part is? No matter where you are, it always feels like he's looking at you.
Sweetie, could I talk to Dad for a minute? Can I have ice cream while you talk? - Sure.
- Take your time.
Dave, what the hell is going on? I thought we decided that the moose was going in the garage.
You know, here's the truth.
Last night, I realized something about the way that you and I make all of our decisions.
- What's that? - Well (exhales) that you make all of our decisions.
What are you talking about? Look, I-I don't know if you're conscious of this or not, but when you want something, you can be a little manipulative.
(scoffs) Oh, come on.
I don't think you mean that.
You just did it right there! Okay, if I'm so "manipulative," then why do I always ask you for your opinion? I honestly don't know.
But think about it.
You know, whether it's what's for dinner or Grover's summer camp, you ask me what I want and then you pick whatever you wanted all along.
Dave, you're being ridiculous.
Maybe I am.
But you know what? I like the moose head.
And since you care so much about my opinion, I say it stays.
(doorbell rings) Oh.
Look at that.
That's our Italian.
Ooh, yeah.
That's right.
Get on up in there.
Don't be shy.
(chuckling) Let's see if we can take it up a level with, uh (buzzing) Ooh, vibration.
(vibrating chuckle) Man, you're still in that thing? Hell yeah.
(chuckles) The only downside is I'm vibrating so hard, I see two of you.
Well, I can't believe you're okay fooling Mom like this.
What kind of a husband does that? A good one.
You know, not every man cares enough to trick his wife into being happy.
Okay, well, I will see you guys later.
All right.
Where you going? Well, I'm gonna pop over to see Gemma, then head to the market.
I am making you a special dinner tonight.
What's the occasion? You are.
You know, you giving up your massage chair just to make me happy just reminded me of how lucky I am to have a husband like you.
Wow, Pop.
- Look how selfless Mom is being.
- ‭(chuckles) She must've learned that from you.
(kiss) I'll see you later.
How you feel now? Terrible.
I'm sitting in a massage chair.
I'm getting a special dinner.
My wife loves me.
Why does everything happen to me? Hey, Tina.
‭Hey, girl.
I just stopped by to Damn, Gemma! Why is there a cow on your wall? Dave insisted on putting it up.
If there was any room next to it, I'd put his head up there.
Well, if you hate it so much, then tell him to take it down.
I did, and he accused me of being manipulative.
Oh, wow.
So he figured it out.
Figured what out? That you manipulate him sometimes.
I do not.
(scoffs) It's okay, Gemma.
All good wives do.
It's how we let our husbands think they're in charge.
You know what they say Sneaky wife, happy life.
(chuckles) That's ridiculous.
No, it's not.
In fact, I am manipulating Calvin right now.
You are? Yeah.
He tried to be slick with our tax refund, but I saw his ass coming.
Right now, he's in his brand-new massage chair feeling like the worst husband ever.
And the only thing that's gonna make him feel better is taking me to Italy.
Home of Pinocchio, another puppet who thought he was a real boy.
- (scoffs) Tina, that's terrible.
- Mm.
Do you think it would work for me? Nah.
At this point, there's only one thing you can do.
You got to find something that he hates just as much as you hate that stupid thing.
Well, there is one thing he absolutely hates more than anything in the world.
See? There you go.
Now you're thinking like a good wife.
(chuckles) (mutters): Just put that over there.
Hey, what are you guys doing? Pop had a change of heart.
Yeah, I'm returning the chair.
What?! I changed my mind, babe.
I'm taking you to Italy.
Oh Whoa, whoa.
(laughs): Now, t-this is coming out of left field.
You know, I just couldn't accept this chair knowing that you gave up what you wanted for me.
Baby, I don't, I don't think you should be doing this.
Tina, I'm in charge here.
And we are going to Italy.
You know I love a man who's in control.
- Mm-hmm.
- (laughs) Ooh! Oh, I am so excited.
I'm-a put these groceries away and then book that hotel.
I mean, look at hotels.
That's a good woman right there, boy.
(shouts) Gemma! Hey, sweetie, what's up? What is your aunt's creepy doll collection doing down here? Well, I was up in the attic and I came across them and I thought, "These would look great in the living room," you know? You know that these dolls freak me out.
Are you honestly gonna tell me that at least half of them didn't kill their owners? Well, they're not going anywhere until you take that thing down.
Okay, all right.
Nice try, Gemma.
But it's not gonna work, because you made a classic mistake.
- What? - You brought dolls to a moose fight.
If you think I made a mistake, you must have forgotten about Eleanor.
(whispers): Eleanor.
I'd be careful what you say in front of her, Dave.
You know how mad she gets.
Gemma, I'm serious.
I'm not afraid to hit a doll.
DOLL (laughs): Whee, let's play! No! Uh-oh, Dave.
You hurt Eleanor's friend.
You better keep an eye out.
Just like she does.
Gemma, I'm not taking that moose head down.
What was that? Oh.
Well, Eleanor told me she's afraid of it, so she's gonna have to sleep with us.
Fine! Fine! I'll take the moose head down.
Thank you.
Yeah, but just so you know, I'm n I'm not making this up.
You make all the decisions for us.
That is not true.
Yes, it is.
Name one decision that I've made around here.
You picked the TV.
I wanted a bigger screen.
You picked the couch.
No, I wanted leather.
You said that I could sit on my baseball glove.
Okay, well, what about this tacky lamp? You must have picked that.
That was a wedding gift from your mother.
I actually kind of like it.
Oh, my God.
Do I really make all the decisions for us? Sometimes I wonder if I even picked little spoon.
Oh, sweetie.
I had no idea I was doing that to you.
I am so sorry.
It-It's okay, I-I didn't realize you were, either.
(sighs) That's how good you are.
Okay, well, now that I know, I promise to do a better job of listening to you.
Thank you.
And you promise not to put any more severed heads on our wall? - I'll try.
- (laughs) Okay, I'll put the dolls away.
All right.
I'm gonna start taking down this moose head.
Or, there is something else we could do.
- What's that? - We could go upstairs and have sex.
Like I said, you always know best.
Be gentle with her.
And don't worry, girl.
No matter how far they take you, I will find you.
Hey, Calvin.
Getting rid of the chair, huh? Yeah.
Tina didn't want me to, but, uh, I'm the man of the house.
I'm the one who makes our decisions.
Looks like Gemma finally made you take down your moose.
I decided to do it.
After all, I'm the man of the house, too.
Well, good for you.
ELEANOR: Peekaboo.
I see you.
What's that? (whispers): It's Eleanor.
Dave, it's just a dumb doll.
Why are you so scared? Because I locked her in the attic 30 minutes ago.
ELEANOR: Hi, Calvin.
Do you like to play? Oh, hell no.
That's the devil's toy!
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