The Neighborhood (2018) s02e21 Episode Script

Welcome to the Speed Bump

1 Oh, Lord, not today.
Hey, Calvin, greetings from the future.
Goodbye from the now.
Just checking out this sweet ride to make sure it's safe for Grover.
Have you fallen on your ass yet? Not yet.
Oh, well, then, looks like I have a few minutes.
Now, I always test out Grover's toys before I give them to him.
I've swallowed every size Lego there is to make sure they're not a choking hazard.
Turns out, some of them are.
Dave, I got to get to work, so if you're gonna fall, you know, let's make it happen.
Actually, I'm starting to get the hang of this thing.
It's a lot easier than it looks! Whoa, whoa! Dave, watch out! Oh! Hey, man, are you all right? Yes, but Did you see that idiot out there? Yeah, that speeding car almost hit him.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm-I'm fine, thanks.
Well, good.
Well, look, I'm late for work, but, um, this was totally worth it.
Oh, hey, Dave.
Hey, Calvin.
I need your signature.
I told you, I am not autographing that picture of us at Benihanas.
I'm not here for that.
But FYI, everyone else at the table signed it.
Look, I'm sorry, Dave.
I don't want Calvin signing anything.
I'm still trying to get him out of that damn record club.
Three years and 20 more CDs, and I'm Scot-free.
Well, you know, actually, after yesterday, I decided to do something about all the speeders.
It turns out there's a new navigation app that's sending cars down our street to beat the traffic.
You know, I use done of those things once.
The stupid thing told me to drive through someone’s backyard.
But on the plus side, I saved about three minutes.
Well, you know, I did some research, and the city will put in a speed bump if I get a signature from everyone on the street.
You're my first stop.
And your last one.
A white guy going door-to-door for signatures in this neighborhood? Nice knowing you, Dave.
What Calvin is trying to say People around here are a little suspicious of getting scammed.
You know? Dwayne Wilson thought he was signing up for free HBO and ended up in the Marines.
Poor bastard just made colonel.
Well, if door-to-door isn't gonna work, what should I do? Well, first, if you want people to sign anything around here, - you got to earn their trust.
- Mm.
Well, how do I do that? Well, I mean, they're all individuals, Dave.
For example, Trey likes to talk about sports and how paternity tests can be wrong sometimes.
And Old Miss Kim like stalking about Bingo, her garden and how her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
And whatever you do, do not ask Little Hatchet how she got her nickname.
Or why she got a divorce, but they're - basically the same story.
- Basically the same story.
Man, it sounds like I've bit off more than I can chew.
This is that Lego fireman all over again.
Dave, just invite everybody over, give them some food, and they'll sign.
It'll only work if you do one thing.
Feed 'em catfish and cornbread.
Why that? Because that's what I'm in the mood for.
Hey, G-man, what are you doing? Just playing soccer in my head.
Hey, I just scored! Well, I used to pretend like that in my head.
Except instead of soccer, it was girls.
Yeah, but you never scored.
So, why are you just pretending to play when you got this whole lawn right here? Since my dad almost got hit by a car, my mom won't let me play near the street.
She's being crazy.
No, I just think she's being cautious and protective.
No, she's being crazy.
- Whoa! - Grover, I told you to stay on the porch! Wow, Gemma.
You got here before your voice did.
I'm just so worried about Grover getting hurt.
You know, with all the cars zipping up and down the street.
Yeah, we get it.
Our mom was afraid of a lot of stuff, too.
We spent half our childhood locked up like Grover here in porch jail.
Yeah, she put us in there for earthquakes, pit bulls, that guy with the ice cream truck that never had any ice cream.
Well, hey, we are going to check out the Pasadena fair.
Why don't you let us take Grover with us? Can I, Mom, please? I don't know.
Do you promise not to do anything dangerous? Oh, absolutely.
I guarantee we will have a no-fun, danger-free, super-boring time.
Uh, I'm not sure I want to go anymore.
Hey, zip it, kid, we're trying to break you out.
I haven't seen this much of the block in one place since Colonel Wilson got home from Iraq.
And everyone is loving my food.
No one's even noticed that the catfish is actually tofu.
This ain't right.
Calvin, you were right.
This was the perfect way to get the whole street on board for the speed bump.
What can I say, Dave? These are my people.
I love them, and they love me.
Out of the way, jackass.
- Who's that? - Oh, that's Walter.
That's the jerk that lives on the other side of me.
Oh, man, I've never seen him outside of the house before.
Yeah, because he only comes out at night, like bats and vampires.
Well, now that everybody's here, let's let's get started.
Okay, uh, if I could have everyone's attention, please.
An easel? Is he gonna talk about a speed bump or paint one? Dave loves giving presentations.
One time I asked him why, and he answered with a ten-minute presentation.
Okay, now, I don't want to take too much of your time, so I'll just get right to it.
Jewel of the San Gabriel Valley.
Established in 1874, but, you know, oddly, not incorporated until How long is this gonna take? I have plans with a gentleman tonight, and I'm hoping he's not gonna be a gentleman.
And I got a cable guy coming between now and Friday.
Hey, hey, Dave, you-you may want to speed this up.
Yeah, got it.
Okay, uh, skipping the Industrial Revolution, the sinking of the Titanic, uh, World War I The automobile.
I'm out.
It's not worth the free food.
I can come over earlier.
Got to go.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, hold up, everybody.
Come on now.
I want to walk out on Dave just as much as you do, but he actually has something important to say.
More important than this sweet piece of meat right here? Okay, all right, guys.
Look, we've all seen how fast these cars have been going down our streets.
And I think it's time we do something about it.
- That's true.
- You got a point.
- That is true.
- Hey, come on out here, Dave.
Come on now.
Come on now.
Thank you, Calvin, and, look, I'll-I'll cut right to the chase.
- To quote Henry Ford - Oh, you know what? To quote Calvin Butler, if you sign, you can leave.
So, how's that deep-fried pickle? - It's pretty disgusting.
- Um, some things should not be battered and put on a stick.
Ooh, deep-fried butter.
- Whoa! - Oh.
Can we go on that roller coaster? Uh, sorry, little man.
We promised your mom we wouldn't do anything dangerous.
And we already pushed our luck with the petting zoo.
That pygmy goat tried to eat my jacket.
Hey, how about we go on the Ferris wheel? Ferris wheel? That's the lamest ride here.
Well, we can go back to the bounce house.
And if you promise to be careful, this time we’ll let you jump.
Fine, we'll go on the stupid Ferris wheel.
But you guys are boring.
That kid's not as cute as he used to be.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Yeah, good.
- Oh, here you go.
Now, you sure this not for the Marines? Hmm.
You'd be a lot safer joining the Marines than going over to Miss Kim's tonight.
I know.
Pray for me.
Hey, thanks for backing me up, Calvin.
Everyone's signing the petition.
Well, nothing’s more important to me than the safety of our neighborhood.
I'll do anything to protect these kids.
Oh, hey, Walter.
If you could just sign on the last spot right there.
Oh, yeah, I'd I-I'd be happy to if Calvin finally agrees to move his fence off of my property.
Well, Dave, we tried.
Hey, Calvin, what was that all about? That fool thinks my fence is six inches onto his property.
- I s it? - Whose side are you on, Dave? Calvin, Walter's the last signature we need to get the speed bump.
Look, that fence has been there since I moved in, and I'm not moving it now.
Plus, if I give in to him once, it won't stop there.
I'm telling you, Dave, kindness is a slippery slope.
Well, okay, Calvin, that's not true.
Oh, yes, it is.
I said hello to you once, and look at us now.
Okay, well, if you won't move, then how are we gonna get the speed bump? Oh, that's easy.
Gonna wait for him to die.
Hey, besides, I got you’ll those other signatures.
Yeah, which mean absolutely nothing if we don't get Walter's.
Well, I'm sorry, Dave.
If it makes you feel any better, I'll sign the picture of us at Benihana.
It's too late.
I already forged it.
Ha-ha! Wow! What a view! Yeah, check this out, little man.
You can see everything from up here.
Like how much fun they're having over there on the roller coaster! Are you kidding? That doesn't lookalike much fun at all.
We are totally coming back here tomorrow.
- Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! - Hey, now, hey! What just happened? Uh, I don't know.
Hey, maybe they're just letting more riders on.
Uh, or maybe the motor just caught on fire, and the operator tried to put it out with his beer! Seriously? Hey, hey, look, it's okay, little man.
All right? Everything is gonna be fine.
It's not fine.
It's awesome! - What? Oh! - Finally, some real fun.
- Whoa! - No! Calvin Butler.
What is wrong with you? I would say nothing, but I'm sure you're about to tell me different.
You're damn right I am.
Dave just told me what happened.
I cannot believe after all of these years you're still fighting over that stupid fence.
Why does Walter care so much about six inches? Well, why do you care so much? It's six inches.
Is it about the money? I mean, it can't be that expensive to move a fence.
No, it's not about that.
It's about the principle.
And it's like my father always said: "A man's fence is a man's fence.
" When did your father say that? Whose side are you on, Tina? Is your pride more important than the safety of the kids in this neighborhood? Nah, babe.
Don't try to make this whole speed bump thing about safety.
Okay when Malcolm and Marty were little, you did everything in your power to keep them safe.
You even used to make Marty wear a helmet just to play hide-and-seek.
I made him wear that thing all the time.
The kid had no balance.
When Malcolm said that he was old enough to take his bike to the park, you followed him in your car just to make sure he got there safely.
I had to.
He was pulling Marty in a wagon.
That boy fell out every two blocks.
Come on, babe.
You love Grover.
Doesn't he deserve to be just as safe as our boys were? Yeah, I guess.
That's my big papa bear.
Taking care of all the little cubs.
Yeah, you know me, huh? Always looking out for the neighborhood kids.
- Oh.
You know what? - What? That gives me an idea.
What? I can underpay them to move the fence.
Yeah! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You have got to cut that out, little man.
You have got to stop.
This rocking is not helping that deep-fried pizza stay down.
What? When did you eat that? When you guys were in the bathroom.
You two are no fun.
You're just as bad as my mom.
Hey, look, don't be so hard on her, okay? She just wants to keep you safe.
Why? I'm not a baby.
Yeah, I know.
The only reason your mom is so overprotective is because of how much she cares about you.
Yeah, I-if you see a kid having too much fun, that means his mom doesn't love him.
So, that kid in front of the roller coaster with his hands up in the air You mean the one eating that corn dog with no shirt on? Yeah.
His mama don't even know he's here.
That's sad.
So every time your mom tells you, stop running, tie your shoes, or be careful, what she's really saying is she loves you.
I guess I'm pretty lucky.
You sure are.
Which means she's gonna be super mad when she finds out you got me stuck up here.
Uh, no, she won't, no, she won't.
Because we're fine.
Right, Marty? Yeah, yeah.
We-We're-we're totally safe.
This kind of thing happens all the time.
- Oh, thank you, Jesus! - Ah, we are gonna live! Thanks so much for doing this, Calvin.
Did Tina change your mind? No.
I was always gonna do it.
I just needed to know how committed you were.
Well, you're doing the right thing, and I, for one, appreciate it.
Do you appreciate it enough to give me six inches on your property? Sorry, Calvin.
It's like my dad used to say: "A man's fence is a man's fence.
" Damn.
You're not Miss Kim.
Look, Walter, I need to talk to you.
Oh, wha-what are you here to steal now? My Wi-Fi password? I'll give you a hint.
It's "Calvin" and four other letters.
Look, man, I just came over here to say if you sign Dave's petition, I'll move the damn fence.
I was waiting for you to die.
Walter, I really appreciate it.
Just sign right under where Trey wrote "Not joining Marines.
" Okay.
But actually, since it took you this long, maybe I should charge you a little interest.
How about we move that fence a full foot? What? I got a full foot for you.
You know Oh, okay, all right, all right.
Calvin, calm down.
We need that speed bump.
All right.
But this ain't for you.
This is for the kids.
Well, in that case, let's move it two feet One for me and one for the kids.
Oh, to hell with you! You know what, I can't believe you’re trying to pull this crap, after all the stuff I let you slide with over the years.
What have you let slide? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many of your old roof tiles have flown over into my yard? And what about the floodlights you put up? They're just shining bright all night in my bedroom.
Every time I get up to go to the bathroom, it feels like a prison break.
Not my problem.
A-Actually, Walter, it is.
According to the Pasadena Zoning Manual, those are both residential C-1 violations.
So? So, if the city inspector finds out, you're staring down the barrel of some pretty hefty fines.
He is? You are.
Yeah, you know, and now that I’m looking around, there's no way that this half-saddle door threshold is up to code.
And don't even get me started on the enclosed breezeway, which is clearly within five feet of a multi-person dwelling.
Do not get him started on breezeways.
Well, hold on, now, we don't have to get into all of that.
You're right, we don't.
Because you're gonna sign that petition, and we're gonna put up a speed bump to protect these kids.
Are we clear? Crystal, baby.
You win.
But that catfish at your party sucked.
Give me my pen.
Damn, Dave, that was gangsta, man.
Yeah, you want to hear something even more gangsta? I just made all that stuff up.
I don't even know what a breezeway is.
This is so great.
That speed bump is really gonna slow people down around here.
Yeah, and it's short enough that I could just zip around it.
Mom, does this mean I can play outside again? Yes.
But not near the street, not after dark, and never without supervision.
I love you, too.
Can I go inside and play on my iPad? Okay.
What was I thinking? He could get carpal tunnel.
Look at that speed bump.
Isn't she beautiful? Yeah.
It reminds me of you.
- Mm.
- Black, curvy and makes me want to slow down and take my time.
Oh Oh, now I'm gonna feel guilty every time I run over it.
But, seriously, you did a good thing for the community.
You should be proud of yourself.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
Because I've decided I'm not stopping here.
What do you think? You're running for city council? - Yeah.
- You're kidding, right? Nope.
You know, getting this done really woke up my sense of civic duty.
Plus, I've always wanted to see my face on a button.
So, if you win, won't that mean you'll be super busy doing government stuff and won't have the time to hang around here as much? I'm afraid so.
- Hmm.
- Well, in that case, you got my vote.

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