The Neighborhood (2018) s03e05 Episode Script

Welcome to the Road Trip

1 Girl, you are just as fine as the day I met you.
Huh? What's that? I am, too? You know you're not the first car to tell me that, right? Whoo! That is one sweet ride, Calvin.
That is a she, and she has a name.
Dave, meet Angelique.
Angelique, ignore Dave.
Man, did you just get it? I mean her.
I mean Angelique.
Sorry, ma'am.
I keep her at the shop 'cause Tina gets jealous.
She doesn't like how I take my wedding ring off to wash her.
Well, who could blame her? - I mean, look at these curves.
- Whoa.
Now I see who taught that to Grover.
Look, I just can't have any fingerprints on her.
We're going to a car show in Nevada tomorrow, and she has to look perfect.
Well, are Tina and the boys going with you? Nah.
Tina and Malcolm weren't interested, and Marty said he'd only go if they had a replica of the Batmobile.
Well, if you want some company, I'd love to go with you.
Really? I didn't know you were a car guy, Dave.
Oh, I'm not, but I love a good road trip.
The camaraderie, the scenery, joining the ranks of fellow travelers as they heed the call of the open road.
Oh, yeah, I love yelling at other drivers, too.
Okay, great.
Well, then it's settled.
Ooh, I forgot to ask.
Uh, is it a day trip, or are we staying overnight? Just a day.
I get it.
You don't want Tina knowing that you're staying overnight with, uh, Angelique.
I don't want to stay overnight with you.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Hey, Ma.
Where's Pop? Where do you think? Still out front fooling around with that hussy car.
Oh, come on, now, please don't tell me you're actually jealous of Angelique.
Of course not.
I'm just annoyed that he spends so much time with her he's letting everything else slide around here.
Oh, well, see, that makes more sense.
But if he says her name in his sleep one more time, I'm slashing that ho's tires.
Hey, hey.
Mmm, something smells good.
Don't come in here acting all innocent.
- I know where you been.
So, Pop, you all set for the car show tomorrow? Yep.
Turns out Dave's gonna come with me.
- Oh, no.
- That poor, poor man.
What are you two talking about? Baby, I love you, but when it comes to road trips, you are a monster.
Yeah, not like a cute, fuzzy Muppet monster.
You're more like a "hide your wife, hide your kids" type monster.
You know, you keep talking, I'll be a "raise your damn rent" monster.
Calvin, your problem is that all you care about is getting wherever you're going as fast as possible.
Yeah, and you never let us stop for any food or see any sights, and you only give us one bathroom break per state.
Uh, that's on you.
I always tell y'all to stop drinking water the night before.
Oh, you're right.
Nothing screams "family vacation" more than dehydration and a bladder infection.
I just hope Dave knows what he's in for.
I'll tell you what he's in for.
The road trip of his life.
Ooh, which reminds me, I need to text him to tell him to stop drinking water now.
How you put this on all caps? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey, Tina.
- Hey, Gemma.
- What's up? - Nothing much.
I just figured since the guys are on the road, Grover's at a play date, maybe you and I could go and take a yoga class.
Oh, I'm doing yoga right now.
This pose is called "sitting on my ass relaxing.
Hey, did you get new curtain rods? Yeah, a month ago.
Then why aren't they up? Because Calvin's been too busy working on his damn car.
Oh, Angelique.
Dave told me about her.
- Tramp city.
- Mm.
And don't let that hard body fool you.
Those aren't the headlights she was born with.
Well, if Calvin's been too busy to put them up, why don't we do it? Nah.
You know, Calvin always says tools are his department; you know how men are.
Yeah, but just because they think that doesn't make it true.
Oh, I know, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
And if it does break, let your husband do it.
Come on, Tina, we can do this.
It's not like we don't know how to use a screwdriver or a hammer or one of those twisty-turny thingies.
It's okay.
I'll just wait for Calvin to take care of it.
All right.
I'm just saying, if Angelique needed curtains, I bet they'd be up.
Damn it, I'm not gonna let that heifer get curtains before I do.
I'm in.
Great, let's get started.
Give me ten more minutes.
I still got to finish my yoga class.
Where you be When the party gets going What will you do? This is the best.
It's great, right? We're making great time, and I already got to yell at one fool.
I told you I'm sorry.
I just wanted to see what else was on the radio.
Hey, you know what'd be fun? I was looking at the map, and there's all these cool places - that we - Nope.
I know, but we would get to see - Nope.
- Are you even gonna let me finish? Nope.
Calvin, isn't the point of a road trip to stop and see all the cool things along the way? No.
The point is to get to where you're going as fast as possible without any games, food or stopping.
I mean, why don't more people know how to have fun? Okay, but if you just rush from point A to point B, you're missing out on half the adventure.
Stopping to look at a bunch of boring stuff is not an adventure.
It's a waste of time.
Calvin, you're wrong.
When Gemma, Grover and I drove from Michigan to California, we saw all kinds of amazing things.
The world's biggest rocking chair, a UFO museum.
Oh, you know what? Check this out.
That is me eating a corn dog next to the world's largest ketchup bottle.
Wow, that's actually pretty cool.
- I know, isn't it? - Nope.
Okay, Calvin, we're coming up on Route 66.
It is the most iconic road in America.
There are tons of interesting things to see there.
Let's just take a little detour.
Ah, I don't know, man.
Trust me, it'll be worth it.
It's like they say: it's about the journey, not the destination.
Fine, but I guarantee you, whoever said that was either on his way to the dentist, his mother-in-law's house, or to visit you.
All right, that's it.
How do they look? Great.
They're perfectly even.
I don't know.
I think that bracket's higher than this one.
No, not those.
I'm talking about your booty.
From back here, you look less like a Gemma - and more like a J.
Aw, I know you can't see it, but my cheeks are blushing.
All right, all that's left is to put the rod up.
- You want to do the honors? - Oh, sure.
Okay, okay.
Just hand it up to me.
Ooh, I cannot wait to see the look on Calvin's face Well, on the bright side, we both have great butts.
Come on, Dave, hurry up.
How much longer you gonna take? DAVE: Stop rushing me.
You said I get one bathroom break per state.
That's right.
And you used it up when we stopped at that Old West ghost town.
No, I did not.
I started to worry that the bathroom was haunted, and I got pee shy.
Okay, so you didn't like the ghost town, but I bet you're gonna like this next stop.
I bet I will, too.
All right, that's the spirit.
Because it's gonna be the car show.
But we're gonna drive right past the world's biggest bucket, and, Calvin, that is right at the top of my bucket list.
Well, it's gonna have to wait, because from now on, we're not making any more stops.
What's wrong? The wheels are spinning in the sand.
I hope it's not quicksand.
That's what got the ghost town's deputy.
: Ah.
We're dug in.
I hope you're happy.
No, I'm not happy.
Although I am definitely happier than the lizard I splashed.
All right, let's try it one more time.
All right, well, just give me a minute.
What are you doing? I'm focusing my energy, it's It's a karate technique I use when I break boards.
Or to keep me from crying when the board hurts my hand.
Just push the damn car, Cobra Kai.
Okay, you ready? One, two, three.
Damn it.
We're stuck.
You know, this is all your fault.
Well, come on, Calvin, there's got to be something we can do.
I guess we can try wedging something under the tire to see if we can get some traction.
You mean like a piece of wood? No, like you.
Okay, look, this is not a big deal.
We'll just We'll call a tow truck, and I'm sure we'll be back on the road in half an hour.
Why are you focusing your energy again? Well, because I have no cell service, and I'm preparing myself to be wedged under a tire.
Great, I have no reception, either.
See, this is what I get for listening to you.
"It'll be fun.
" "It's all about the journey.
" "Oh, no, I'm alone in the desert.
" I never said that.
Well, you're about to.
Okay, almost done.
Are those bars as heavy as they look? Not for me; my arms are ripped.
- Grover was a fat baby.
Okay, let's take them down.
- Ooh.
That wasn't so hard.
Too bad that jerk at the hardware store can't see us now.
I know.
Asking us over and over again, "You sure you know what you're doing? Are you sure you know what you're doing?" [STAMMERS.]
Yeah, buddy.
You think you're all that just because they put you in charge of the key-making section? And also, if they don't make a vest in your size, don't wear one, okay? Just don't wear it.
Know what I mean? Hey.
What's going on here? We accidentally broke the window, so we're replacing the glass.
You sure you know what you're doing? Why? Because we're women? What? No.
I was just wondering if you guys needed any help.
Oh, so now you're just gonna mansplain it to us? Actually, Mom, mansplaining is when somebody Oh! [STAMMERS.]
S-So now you mansplaining mansplaining? GEMMA: Yeah, you know, why don't you just go back to aisle ten and make some keys? Okay? Uh, okay.
Well, since you guys obviously got this, I'm-a go get a snack.
Yeah, you do that.
Yeah, get back in the kitchen where you belong.
Okay, girl.
I think we are finally ready to put the new glass in.
- Yay.
Here we go.
- Okay.
Eh - All right.
Uh - There Ooh.
- Ooh, ooh.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at that.
Perfect fit.
Damn straight.
Good as new.
Oh, what happened? What does it look like?! We're putting up curtains! Come on, Calvin, you haven't spoken to me in an hour.
It's not my fault I had to go pee.
Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't sneak a drink at that ghost town saloon.
The sign said, "World's coldest lemonade.
" - Oh, God.
- You'd have to be crazy I'll tell you what's crazy, I'll tell you what's crazy, is that I ever thought it was a good idea to bring you along.
Wow, Calvin.
That's even colder than the lemonade.
Finally, here comes a car.
W-What are you doing? I'm waving this guy down so I can get a ride to the gas station.
Are you kidding? You can't just get into a car with some stranger.
He could be some kind of weirdo.
Dave, I've been in the car with a weirdo all day.
And look where it's got you.
Look, man, are you coming or what? Uh-uh, no way.
That lemonade was good, but I don't want it to be the last thing I ever drink.
But if you see me coming back smiling at you, it's a mirage.
Hey, uh, thanks for stopping.
No problem.
Where you headed? Oh, just to the next gas station.
I'm Calvin.
Nice to meet you.
Good thing I drove by, 'cause it is not safe for you to be out here all by yourself.
I-I wasn't by myself.
I was with my friend.
Oh, good.
You saw him, too.
Okay, that's it.
I think we got it this time.
Here, let me test it.
No, no, no! I'll do it.
You got those freaky strong baby muscles.
Well, there you go.
Solid as a rock.
Suck it, Mr.
Teeny Tiny Vest Man.
Ah, yes! Hey, look at that.
You guys fixed the window.
Hell yeah, we did.
Two times.
Okay, well, I got to say, I am impressed.
More importantly, your father will be, too.
That's right.
And now he's gonna know that she doesn't have to sit around waiting for him to get things done around here.
That is a good point.
In fact, he'll probably expect you to do all the stuff he hasn't gotten to.
And if he's smart enough, he'll def Wait, what? And, I mean, you got all kinds of projects around here, Ma.
The closet door that sticks.
Oh, the clunking sound in the dryer.
That leaky bathroom faucet.
Uh, no problem.
Tina can do that stuff in her sleep.
Yeah, you're right.
I could.
But I'd rather make Calvin.
I didn't get married to do this kind of work.
So, I'm guessing that was your car by the side of the road back there.
Uh, yeah.
We got dug in when my friend made us pull over so he could use the bathroom.
Well, she's a beauty.
Oh, thanks.
I call her Angelique.
Really? She told me her name was Mona.
You thought my car was talking to you? Well, either your car was talking to me or I'm crazy.
Good point.
: Ah, wow, still-still no reception.
Oh, yeah, we are all alone out here.
It's what I call a real dead zone.
Y-You mean because of the cell service, right? Hmm.
I never thought of that.
You know, Calvin, I think you and I could be friends.
Do you like basements? No, no.
I'm, uh, I'm more of a wide-open spaces kind of guy.
Well, you're in luck, 'cause my house is out in the middle of nowhere.
Great place to visit if you ever just want to disappear.
Well, uh, no, thank you.
Hey, I'd miss my wife too much and my two sons who are both Navy SEALs.
Sounds like you have a beautiful family.
Well, thanks.
Do you have one? Yeah.
Unfortunately, they're scattered everywhere.
Okay, you know, uh, I appreciate the ride, but, uh, you know what, why don't you just let me out here? Why? We were just about to tell each other our darkest secrets.
And mine's a doozy.
No, uh, seriously, man, uh, let-let me out.
Sorry, Calvin.
No can do.
Uh, no, I am serious.
Let me out this truck or else, man.
Or else what? Or I'll scatter you! [BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SCREECH.]
That's right, you better drive away, buster! Yeah, and stop talking to strangers' cars! She don't know you! You okay? Yeah, man, how about you? You hit that window pretty hard.
I'm fine.
But if we pass the world's biggest aspirin, we're gonna stop and I'm gonna take it.
: Hey, man, you should've seen that guy's face when you popped up like that.
You scared the hell out of him.
Well, I think I heard two screams.
Yeah, that-that, that's how much you scared him.
Hey, look, man, I-I'm just happy you're okay.
If something would've happened to you, it would've been all my fault.
Nah, it would've been on me, too.
I mean, white guy, middle of the desert, picking up a Black dude? All the signs were there.
Well, I appreciate it, but you were right, you know.
I never should've made you take this stupid detour.
Well, actually, I don't know about that.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, uh, think about it.
You weren't wrong.
I mean, the journey was definitely more interesting than the destination.
Well, it was a hell of an adventure.
Yeah, man.
And think about the great story this will make.
Getting stranded in the desert, almost being kidnapped, me saving you from a maniac.
What are you talking about? I'm the one who saved you.
Well, you tell your story, I'll tell mine.
Wow, Calvin, this trophy is amazing.
Where are you gonna put it? Under a blanket in the garage, because if Tina finds it, it's going straight through Angelique's windshield.
Well, thanks again for bringing me along.
I can honestly say this has been the best road trip of all time.
I couldn't agree more.
- [GASPS.]
My gosh, Calvin, I just had the craziest dream.
That's funny.
With me, the crazy stuff happens when I'm awake.
No! - [GASPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Hey, you're right.
This is the world's coldest lemonade.
Brain freeze! Take the wheel!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode