The Neighborhood (2018) s04e01 Episode Script

Welcome To The Family

1 Hey, hon, do we have any more crackers? It's 4:00 my morning sickness is rude as hell.
Sorry, I ate 'em all.
I've been having a touch of morning sickness myself.
Really, hon? Because I'm the one who's been literally growing a human being for the past seven weeks.
But, you know, by all means, eat up.
You are such an as Astonishingly thoughtful husband? I'll give you that.
Now give me the crackers.
I also got you some applesauce and ginger tea.
I remember how sick you were with Grover.
You are so sweet.
(CHUCKLES) - What's wrong? - Well, I remember how sick you were with Grover.
So, how's your family research going? Oh, my this Find Your Way DNA website is amazing.
It turns out there's a whole world inside of my spit.
But, you know, I have a sixth cousin once removed who lives right here in California.
His name is Terry B.
Look at this guy.
- - GEMMA: Oh! He's African American! I know.
Kind of, uh, explains my dance moves, huh? Calm down, Dave.
Let's not bring our milkshakes to the yard just yet.
I got to go tell Calvin.
I am Black and I am proud.
And I'm gonna say it out loud.
Please don't go over there bugging Calvin.
Gemma, Calvin's my best friend.
How could I ever bug him? Why are you bugging me now, Dave? Calvin look at this handsome fella.
That's my cousin Terry.
If he says that he's a Nigerian prince and needs a small investment to free up his millions, don't do it.
Wait a minute.
You're related to Terry B.
Davis? Yeah.
That "B" stands for Butler.
That "B" stands for "blessed.
" Calvin, we're related.
- Say what, now? - Whoa, whoa, hold Let-let me see that.
Oh, wow, Dad, it's true.
And if Terry is Dave's cousin And he's also your cousin That means you are Hopefully adopted.
Bring it in, cuz! Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
I thought you were not going over to bug Calvin.
We are family I'm allowed to bug.
What? Yeah, we just figured out we're related.
Oh, no.
We ain't figured out nothing yet.
Oh, Tina, you've always felt like family to me.
Same here, Gemma.
You're my sister from another mister.
Aw, you're my siz from another wiz.
That sounds nasty.
Sorry, that sounded way less gross in my head.
(LAUGHS) You know, this ancestry stuff, this isn't science.
It's voodoo.
It's about as legit as getting your fortune out of a cookie.
Well, Pop, my fortune cookie told me my future was gonna be a whole lot brighter.
Maybe it meant whiter.
(LAUGHING) Welcome to the family, Cousin Dave.
Dad, actually, these websites are usually based on DNA, and there's nothing more science-ier than DNA.
"More science-ier"? - Mm-hmm.
- Go get your diploma.
They owe me a refund.
No, no.
If you look real close, you can see that Dave and Pop kind of favor each other.
Look at Pop.
He got two eyes.
Now look at Dave.
He got two eyes, too! No, you know what? No, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
I don't need DNA.
I have a Aunt Desiray, who knows all the family secrets.
Yeah, she may be old, but that bourbon keeps her sharp.
Remember when she told us about Uncle Gus's secret family that he was hiding from his side family, and then the real family found out at the funeral.
Caused another funeral.
Hey, why aren't you laying down, eating bonbons, and watching Tamron Hall like any sane pregnant woman? I wish.
I have to make cupcakes for Grover's Scout troop, but-but every time I crack an egg I get nauseous, - and this recipe calls for 12 eggs.
- Mm.
So that'd be a barfer's dozen? (LAUGHING) All right, well, okay, all right, well, let me help.
You know, I could whup up some cupcakes that'd make you want to slap your mama.
The only mamas I want to slap are those judgy troop moms.
Is it that serious? Yes.
If I don't hit it out of the park with these cupcakes, I'd never be able to show my face at SoulCycle again.
You poor thing.
It ain't easy being white, is it? You have no idea.
So, Auntie, we invited you here to get some family information.
We were wondering, are we related to any Johnsons? Oh, boy, we Black.
We're related to a lot of Johnsons.
Well, I meant any white Johnsons.
Come to think of it, back when our family was in Tuscaloosa, a Black Butler who happened to be a butler had relations with a white Johnson.
Thankfully, he skipped town, 'cause when that baby come out, no doubt there was some Butler in him.
That's not good.
A-And that boy was your great-grandfather Cofedelius.
Wow, Pop.
So the DNA was right.
I am related to Dave.
Ah, yes! Science wins again.
Welcome, new family members to our first official family dinner.
("WE ARE FAMILY" PLAYING) We are family I got all my brothers with me.
What do you think, Calvin? Throwing it back, old-school.
Yeah, I'm thinking about pulling an Uncle Gus and starting a new family.
Calvin, how come you have not responded to the family group chat I started? Because I left that chat, just like I'm about to leave this one.
Can I take that for you? What? You don't think I'm strong enough to hold a dish? Oh, I forgot my pregnant woman policy: "Step away until Labor Day.
" Ooh, hey, guys.
Hey, check this out.
I did more research online into our family history.
Ah, yeah, we're listening, Cousin Dave.
It turns out both sides of our family own several plots of land together.
Oh, what? Really? We were land barons? Yeah, yeah.
Look at that.
In Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
Hey, you know, uh, Aunt Desiray was talking about Tuscaloosa.
She said that my great-grandfather Cofedelius had land there.
Really? What happened to it? No one knows.
All the family says is that after he lost his land, he became an alcoholic.
Uh, well, that's because at the turn of the century, the banks made it impossible for certain people to own land.
You know what that mean.
Black people.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, well, hold on.
Not necessarily.
No, yeah, he's right.
It's Black people.
And Native Americans and Chinese.
I'm gonna stop scrolling.
Yeah, these records show that Dave's side of the family got the land from our side.
How much did they pay for it? Ooh, uh, perhaps I should substitute the word "got" with "stole.
" Wait-wait-wait-wait.
So you're telling me Dave's family stole from your family? Yes, Gemma, that is exactly what they're saying.
So, you know that Weedwacker you borrowed three weeks ago? I'm gonna need that back, plus about $7 million.
All right, fam, come eat.
- Hey! - Hey, babe, you remember how my Aunt Desiray was talking about my great-grandfather Cofedelius? Oh, yeah, he was a mean drunk.
Mm-hmm, you'd be mean, too, if your name was Cofedelius.
The point is, is that he didn't start drinking till after his land was stolen.
Well, who stole it? It was Dave's great-great-grandfather.
Oh, Lord.
We're gonna need more than chicken to get us through this dinner.
Nothing for me.
I'm just gonna eat my purse crackers.
Let us pray.
Dear Lord, thank you for bringing us together and blessing this food, and thank you for not letting Dave steal it.
Okay, all right, you know what? I deserve that.
No, you don't, Dave.
To be fair, you didn't steal anything.
His family did.
Dave just benefited from the racist laws that gave his family land that contributed to the generational wealth that was then passed down to make his life a whole lot easier.
To be fair, I don't think that I received any generational wealth.
Uh, look, Dave, when you turned 16, did you get a car? Yeah, but it was a beat-up bucket with 100,000 miles on it.
Well, guess what I got.
Every other weekend off, because I had a job! Did-did I mention the car had no AC? Kalamazoo summers were very hot.
So were cotton fields.
Damn it, Malcolm, I was just about to say that.
I guess everybody's just gonna steal from me today.
Oh, hey.
- Gemma.
- (GASPS) What's going on? Glad you're awake.
I had a rough night.
What's wrong, Dave? I just hate knowing that my family was a part of America's racist past.
I am sure Calvin doesn't really blame you for crimes that were committed hundreds of years ago.
Oh, really? Every time we leave their house, Calvin always says, "Good night, Dave.
" Yesterday it was just "Night.
" Trust me, Gemma, he is seething! Give him time to process it.
Besides, you can't change the past.
We can only work to fix the future.
Raising Grover to be an enlightened, anti-racist human is a major part of that.
And teaching him to put the seat down.
Or you could learn to put the seat up.
I mean Sorry, what? If that's something that you felt like you wanted to do.
Do you smell that? (GASPS) My cupcakes! Okay, d-don't panic.
They they could still aah! They could still taste good.
- (GROANS) - Okay.
Oh! Okay, time to panic.
- Wha-What's wrong? - (GASPING) It's burning! (GASPS) Geez, I thought this was margarine.
- (GRUNTS) - I may have put wasabi in them.
You did.
No "may.
" You definitely did.
And wasabi's green, Gemma.
What kind of old margarine are you okay with using?! All right, bye, babe.
What the hell, Dave? Look, I'm sorry, I just feel horrible about what my family did to yours.
Well, you should.
Now I got to get to my shop.
Unless your family stole that, too.
Look, I just How could they have been so mean and coldhearted? Well, it was the 1800s.
White folks didn't have to pretend to be nice to Black folks back then.
Just first Okay, Dave, move, before I forget you're one of the good ones.
Just hear me out.
Now, I know I can't make up for hundreds of years of oppression, but please (SIGHS) consider these my attempt at reparations.
Dave, I appreciate your offer, but you can't make this right.
So you don't want these Dodger tickets? Second row, behind home plate? Oh.
Well, I don't want 'em, but I'll accept them on behalf of my ancestors.
What's that, Great-Granddaddy? We could also use a parking pass? These aren't so bad.
(CLACKING) What unholy nightmare is this? Cupcakes never had a chance, Miss Tina.
Had a good run, Mom.
Can't stay on top forever.
Just ask A-Rod.
(SIGHS) Grover's troop meets in an hour.
I really thought I could do it myself.
Mm, well, it's too bad no one offered to help you.
Multiple times.
I know, and I appreciate it.
I just didn't want Grover to think that I'd be there for him any less now that there's a new baby on the way.
Look, I get it, but accepting help doesn't mean that you love him any less.
I guess you're right.
Okay, so I'm officially asking.
Can I please get some of your Black girl magic? Oh, I thought you would never ask.
(LAUGHS) - Let's see what we're working with.
- Okay.
Absolutely nothing.
Uh I still have baking chocolate, flour, mayonnaise, and some Pop-Tarts.
That's it? Oh.
And some edible strawberry massage oil we got for our anniversary.
- Strawberry massage oil.
- (LAUGHS) This is like Fifty Shades of Hell's Kitchen.
Ooh, yeah.
Four dozen cupcakes? Oh, you're a lifesaver! With five minutes to spare.
Black girl magic delivered.
Is it me, or do they look like little butts? Does your little butt want it or not? Yes, I do.
Thank you, Miss Tina.
They smell like strawberries.
Oh, well, that is a chef's secret.
- Mm-hmm.
- And your parents' secret, too.
Mama! Dave is power-washing the driveway again.
Tell him to stop.
Yep, well, now he's out there weeding your roses.
Tell him after he's done.
- MARTY: Oh, hey.
Oh, how did it go? Did they like my cupcakes? Liked? They loved them! I got a cooking badge, and I didn't even make them! Well, no surprise there.
My mama knows how to put her foot in it.
Well, that Black girl magic is real.
I even confessed they were yours, and nobody gave me the side-eye.
The troop moms loved them so much, they want to pay you to bake some more.
Oh, well, I do love baking, but I just do it as a hobby.
Cheryl's having a party tomorrow, and she wants to pay you 60 bucks a dozen for five dozen.
Wait a minute.
(MUMBLES) That's halfway to a Chanel brooch.
Well, looks like my hobby just turned into a side hustle.
(GRUNTS) Aah! Oof! Gemma! Somebody! Help! Aah! (GROANS) (GROANS) Oh.
Hey-hey, man.
You okay? Yeah.
Little hurt, but, uh just paying for the sins of my fathers, so What were you doing up there? I was cleaning your gutters.
No judgment, but it was high time somebody did.
Look, okay, all right, that's it, stop it.
All right, no more cleaning, no more Dodgers tickets, and no more fruit smoothies.
Calvin, I still need to fix what my family did.
Look I'm not gonna lie.
It bothered me.
But I talked to Tina about it, and I realized I shouldn't be directing my anger at you.
All right? This is so much bigger than me and you.
It's such a ugly reflection on the history of our country.
I mean, people degraded each other and they took from each other I mean, mainly your people from mine, but I digress.
But you aren't responsible for what happened 150 years ago.
Yeah, but I still feel like I need to do something.
You know, I joined the national movement for reparations.
I sent five Black people who I don't even know money through a Cash App.
Why didn't you send me some? Well, I tried, but you blocked me.
Oh, yeah, my bad.
But you see, Dave, your first instinct is to try to fix something that you didn't even do.
You're a good person.
I mean, you're always there for me every time I open my door, whether I want it or not.
You marched with us when Trey got falsely arrested.
You even ran for office to help this neighborhood.
Got your ass kicked.
But you ran.
And that's why, to me, you're more of a second cousin than a sixth cousin.
Thanks, Calvin.
That means a lot.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Oh, okay.
Man, you really are hurt, huh? Yeah, that was a pretty nasty fall.
Look, Dave, I know that you fell in my yard, but since we're family now, you can't sue me.
Sorry, Cousin Dave.
Okay, now, before we all get lost in our grooves, uh, I just wanted to say how honored we are to be a part of your family TikTok challenge.
Okay, Dave, enough.
- Would you just hit the damn button.
- Okay, all right.
Ready? ("WE ARE FAMILY" BY SISTER SLEDGE PLAYING) Hey! Hey! (CHEERING) We are family I got all my sisters with me Everyone can see We're together As we walk on by And And we fly Just like birds of a feather - I won't tell - There ain't no way he's got some Black in him, baby.
We are family Yeah, yeah-ee I got all my sisters with me.

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