The Neighborhood (2018) s04e02 Episode Script

Welcome to the Intervention

Hey! Hey, Victor.
What are you doing? What's it look like I'm doing? I'm showering.
Yes, I can see that.
But I really don't think you should be taking advantage of Calvin's property like this.
It's it's not right.
Well, I'm on Calvin's property, but I'm using your water.
Does that make you feel any better? No, it does not make me feel any better.
I know you're not taking a shower in my yard.
He sure is, but you know what, if it makes you feel any better, he's using my water.
It would make me feel better if he was wearing pants.
Let me get my paper, man.
Oh, hey, hey, man.
That's my towel.
And that's my loofah, but you can keep that.
Oh, what? Yeah, and then he had the nerve to ask me for a towel.
Man, ever since Crackhead Victor lost his house, he has taken his antics to a whole new level.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, if only there was a a strong Black man who could talk to him.
You know, someone in the neighborhood who everyone looks up to, and who just loves getting in other people's business.
Nope, nope, not gonna happen.
Every time I try to help him, I always get burned.
Last time, he stole the seats out my truck.
Had to drive to work in a lawn chair.
Come on, Dave.
We out of here.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Keisha! Hey, Uncle Que.
Yo, I heard Keisha just broke up with Big Time Slim.
Okay, I have always had a crush on her.
And now that we're a little bit older, it's finally time for me to shoot my shot.
Listen, save your marshmallow bullets, Cupid.
- Right.
- You're not exactly Keisha's type, bro.
Yeah, man, she likes rappers.
You know, thugs.
Dudes with tattoos and swag.
You know, basically everything opposite of you.
Trust me, I'll get my chance.
And when I do, I'll be ready.
Bye, Uncle Que.
Thanks, Marty.
Top of the morning to ya! Oh.
Well, this has gone too far.
So, Gemma, what's got your husband's tight khakis in a bunch? We just found Victor napping in our car.
What? Yeah, he says the pine smell helps with his allergies.
Aw Calvin, honey.
I think it's time for you to talk to Victor again.
No, babe.
I've been down that road with him too many times.
It's a dead end.
Calvin, you watched Victor grow up.
He was like a nephew to you.
Wow, I didn't know you and Victor were that close.
Oh, are you kidding me? Calvin loved Victor so much, that when Victor wanted to become a barber, Calvin let him practice on his hair.
And it was that love that saved his behind when he pressed and curled my hair like Al Sharpton.
Wait, so you guys knew Victor before he started using? Yeah.
He got hooked after he was deployed to Afghanistan.
Oh, what a shame.
He risked his life for our country, and then he ended up on the streets.
You know, the VA has a rehab program to help veterans.
I could probably get him some help.
Yeah, you know what, look, I can handle Victor.
Calvin, you've done enough.
I once helped my college roommate kick NoDoz.
Calvin, please go save my man.
Okay, Dave.
Now listen, in order to help Victor, - first we got to catch him.
- Mm-hmm.
And when he's using, he gets super skittish when he feels threatened, so we got to treat him like a wild bear in a mosh pit.
Calvin, I got this.
People don't call me Speedy Johnson for nothing.
Nobody calls you Speedy Johnson.
- Everybody calls me Speedy Johnson.
- Oh, my Okay, here comes Victor.
Remember what I said.
Don't move.
Hey, Victor.
Uh can I talk to you for a second? Go! Go, go, Speedy! Victor, get back here! No, Victor, no.
Victor! Yeah, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
I got him.
- Nice haircut, man.
- Thanks.
What just happened? Crack, Dave.
Crack happened.
All right, come on.
Mmm, you know what this cupcake needs? A paying customer? Sorry.
I'm just always hungry all the time.
I'm eating for two.
Yeah, well, right now you're eating for free.
Oh, I'm so happy you're both here.
I'm looking for some fashion advice from some cool, hip women.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah, but since I couldn't find any, I thought I'd come to you two.
Talk fast, boy.
Okay, okay.
Uh It's time for me to go in a new direction, clothes-wise.
I love any kind of makeover.
Makeup, clothes, bathrooms.
I live for a reveal.
Okay, well, are you up-to-date on the latest street fashion? I'm gonna have to do some light Instagram stalking, - but I am sure I can figure it out.
- Okay.
Well, since I've got these cupcake orders to fill, I'm gonna leave my baby in your hands.
Oh, hell nah! First, you eat up all my cupcakes, and then you turn my son into one of the Migos.
Nailed it! Gemma got your boy nice.
No cap, Tina.
You call me Tina again, I'm-a cap that ass.
- I'm sorry, Mama.
- Yeah.
Since we can't outrun him, we got to outthink him.
All right? Give me your sunglasses, your phone and your wallet.
Okay, come on.
All right.
The crackhead trap is set.
Okay, here he comes, here he comes.
Hide, hide.
All right, let me out of here, man.
All right, look, Victor, all we want to do is talk, man.
Okay, come on, Victor.
I can always get another lamp.
No, no, no! No! Not my Ed Sheeran autographed ukulele.
Victor, listen to me, man.
You better get off that table.
You can't tell me what to do! I'm a grown man! What's going on? Why is Victor on my table? Boy, if you don't get down I'm gonna give you everything your butt signed up for.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm talking about everything your butt signed up for.
Man, when are they gonna get here? I'm ready to get this intervention on.
Trey, why are you so excited about Victor's intervention? Because for the first time, I'm on the other side, player.
Oh, yerp.
What up, yo? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sorry, man.
The barbershop is closed.
Malcolm, it's me, Marty.
I know it's you, Marty.
I'm pretending I don't know you.
Man, go home and change! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't hate, man.
I have the look of the Migos with the attitude of Ice Cube.
You look like a wide receiver on draft day.
What is this all about, Marty? Hey, man, just Never mind.
Marty? Is that you? Yeah, fo sho, baby.
Fo sho.
But the streets call me Big Mar.
This is a way different look than what you were sporting earlier.
Uh, yeah, that-that's because you caught me in my court outfit.
You see a bad man got caught for doing bad men things.
It's like watching Al Roker try to Crip Walk.
Yeah, you need to get with a real G like me, because I move in silence.
Like the "G" in "lasagna.
" So, can a bad man walk a girl home? Fo sho.
Like the song says, "Today was a good day.
" Where is it? Well, Victor, I lied to you.
There is no cotton candy.
I knew it.
Okay, come on, man.
Look, I had to get you to your intervention somehow.
Victor, we know what you've been through.
This is a chance for you to tell all of us how you feel.
You don't care how I feel.
When y'all look at me, all you see is Crackhead Victor.
You know what, that's it, guys.
First, we got to stop calling him Crackhead Victor.
All right? Addiction is an illness.
It's not who he is.
Look, Vic.
I know you feel like no one understands you.
That's exactly how I felt when I came home from Iraq.
Hold up, you're a veteran, too? Yeah.
So I know firsthand how hard it can be to adjust to civilian life.
Look, PTSD, it affects all of us differently, but you got to know, you're not alone.
Nobody asked anyone to worry about me.
Yet here we all are.
Dave, tell him the plan.
All right, well, look, it wasn't easy.
I made a ton of calls, and all the rehab beds were taken in the neighboring VA hospitals.
But I was able to find you a bed an hour away in Loma Linda, if if you're ready.
Look, man, we've all been working really hard to get you back to the old Victor.
Newsflash, Calvin.
The old Victor's gone.
I left him back in Afghanistan.
I came back to nothing but pain.
My parents died.
I lost my friends.
I lost myself.
The only thing that can help me with that pain: drugs.
Hey, Victor, look, all my pops is trying to say I know what he's trying to say.
But I ain't trying to hear it right now.
Victor, I swear, if you walk out that door, I'm done with you.
Come on.
Ooh That movie went hard, right? Yeah.
You know, I give it two guns up.
Pow, pow.
You know, when we were younger, I always thought you were cute.
Just a little too nice and soft, if you know what I mean.
Oh, yeah.
I hear you.
I hear you.
But, you know, maybe sometimes being nice and soft isn't so bad.
But I like roughnecks like you.
Oh Yeah, yeah.
That tickles.
Tell me, Big Mar.
What's the baddest thing you've ever done? Oh, uh Hmm I mean One time, I took spare change and threw it in a sacred well.
"Spare Change" is a rapper's name, right? Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, yeah, yeah, let me straighten it out for you, baby.
So, Lil Spare Change was a wannabe rapper.
I took him and DJ Dollar Bill and threw them in that well.
You feel me? - I feel you, Big Mar.
- Ooh.
I feel you.
Errbody do, baby.
Hey, hey, what you ladies up to? Oh, just looking through old photos of the neighborhood.
You know, people, places, Victor.
Oh, no.
Look, I've done everything I can.
Even Dave tried.
You-you were there.
He almost lost his baby guitar.
I hear what you're saying, but, aw look at this old picture of Victor - and Calvin.
- Aw, Victor looks so good there.
- Ah.
- Aw.
You remember that day? Yeah.
Of course.
This was Victor's senior prom.
He didn't have money for a limo, so I rented a tux and chauffeured him and his date.
That's so sweet of you.
After that, Victor signed up for the Army.
You were so proud of him.
I was.
Ooh, let me get my bat.
Oh, it's just Victor.
Oh, well, shouldn't you turn your alarm off? No, he's got the code.
He'll leave once his sinuses clear up.
Okay, I, um I need you to do me a favor, baby.
I need you to take these to Victor.
Oh, no.
Come on, Tina.
No, no.
I've done all I could do for this guy.
I'm not going back out there.
Forget about it.
Come on, baby.
If you do it, I'll act like it's your birthday tonight.
But I still get my real birthday, too, right? Oh, most definitely.
Come on, man.
Open up.
That does smell nice.
Look, Tina wanted me to give you this.
I'm out.
Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.
What's-what's this? I don't know.
Tina must've put it in your bag.
Yeah, I remember this.
My dad's lawn mower had broken down, and instead of taking it to the repair shop, you taught me how to fix it.
Oh, yeah.
And you used that lawn mower to start cutting grass in the neighborhood and make yourself some money.
Bought your first pair of Jordans.
Sure did.
Only for them to be stolen by a crackhead.
- The irony.
- Hmm.
I didn't ask to be this way, Calvin.
Not everyone wins at life.
Look, Victor.
Everybody has a story to tell, man.
And luckily for me, I've been a part of yours.
I remember when you were that scrawny little kid who just moved into this neighborhood.
I remember taking you to get ice cream when you got straight A's in middle school.
Or hiding you from your mama when you threw that boomerang through her picture window.
Tore my butt up twice when she found me, too.
I miss you, Mama.
Look, man.
I don't care about all the stuff you've done.
All right, I know you.
The real you.
And, uh Well, I love you too much for this to be how your story ends.
But that's not up to me.
It's your story.
Tonight was on point, Big Mar.
Oh, yeah, you know, the best part of the night for me was That part.
Mmm, cherry.
Good night, Big Mar.
Uh, yeah, good, uh, good night, Kiki.
So, how was your date, Nice Cube? Man, it was exhausting.
I had no idea it was so hard being so hard.
All right, check this, little bro.
I know that Keisha has been your most wanted - since we were kids - Yeah.
But, Marty, you don't want a woman who doesn't dig you for you.
You're right.
And-and I-I plan on coming clean to Keisha, once we're married and have our twins, Luke and Leia.
Look, man, you are my little brother, and I don't just love you, I like you.
And I would hope that any woman you end up with would love you and like you, too.
All right, man.
God, if Keisha is for me, give me a sign.
The Lord has spoken.
Hey, I just got invited to a release party, and there's only one bad boy I want by my side.
Oh, hell yeah, girl, I love album release parties.
You're so funny.
It's not an album release party.
This is a prison release party.
What? Lil Murder Junior just got out.
But his name is Lil Murder Junior! Technicality.
It's okay if I go freshen up? What? Technicality.
Morning, Calvin.
You want some help getting him off your porch? Nah.
Just let him sleep it off.
Okay, I'm ready.
Ready for what? I'm ready to get help.
Uh Did I hear what I thought I just heard? Yeah, Dave.
My man Victor here said he's ready to get help.
Our man is ready to get help.
- Our man is ready to get help! - Guys! This ain't helping.
Hold on.
Let me grab my keys.
- Be right back.
- All right, well, come on.
Hurry up.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ain't you gonna get dressed first? You can't waste time when a man is ready.
Victor, you are in good hands with me and Calvin.
We got you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, all right.
Well, back it up.
Okay, now we got you.
It's true.
And then, at the party, guns start going off, so I hit the ground, and Keisha says, "Real men don't duck.
" Well, sounds like it's bye-bye, thug life, and hello, Star Trek marathon.
Man, hey, that's right, baby.
The geek is back.
Well, we knew that when you walked in in that sweater.
Hon, you don't have to jump a car.
No man living off of crack and Now and Laters is gonna outdo me.
- You know what, she's right, man.
- Yeah.
- Don't do it.
- Eh? Until I get my camera ready.
- Baby! - Calvin! No, this is gonna be good.
- Oh, my gosh.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Go! Yeah.
- Oh, baby.
- Yeah.
WorldStar! Aw, man.
I didn't press record.
You gonna have to do it again.

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