The Neighborhood (2018) s04e07 Episode Script

Welcome to the Ex-Files

1 Calvin, this place is a real hot spot.
They're known for their Rosé Lemonades.
Did you order these for our wives or is the cast of Sex and the City on the way? No, Calvin, these are for us.
I had a rough day at work today.
We are about to get sorority girl wasted.
Nobody's getting wasted off this Kool-Aid.
Take my keys.
I, like, can't drive.
DAVE: Calvin, look.
It's Jerome Bettis.
He's an NFL legend, and he's just sitting there drinking a Rosé Lemonade.
Look at that.
Stars, they're just like us.
Dave, that is not Jerome Bettis.
Oh, my God, I was right.
That's Jerome Bettis.
I'll be right back.
Jerome Bettis? My man! Hey, look.
You don't know me, but I'm married to your old friend, Tina Plummer.
Lil' Tee Tee? Small world! How is she? Oh, well, she's Big Tee Tee now.
(CHUCKLES) Not not big big.
But old.
But not old old.
She's fine.
Jerome? Dave Johnson.
That's on the house.
Looks like we, uh, all have the same taste buds.
Careful, these lemonades sneak up on you.
Yeah, but, uh, athletes like us can handle our juice, right? How much you bench? 185? In the fifth grade.
Jerome? If it isn't Lil' Tee Tee from the LBC? (TINA LAUGHING) Romy, Romy.
Well, you know I'm straight out of Compton.
- You've seen the movie.
- Yeah, yeah.
Calvin Hey, Gemma.
Dave Johnson.
Kalamazoo born and raised.
I guess I'm driving.
Oh, wow.
So, uh, what are you doing here? Well, I'm in town on business.
Uh, I've got a shoot over at the Rose Bowl tomorrow.
- Oh.
- Oh.
You know, that's by our house.
Tina and I would love for you to come over for dinner.
Oh, well, I'm sure Jerome is busy.
Well, actually, I am free tomorrow night.
You know, room service it gets real old, real fast.
- Ah.
- Well, there it is.
Tomorrow night, it's going down! Looks like we're getting on The Bus! Next stop: Touchdown! Sorry, but my friend is sorority girl wasted.
Okay, that's enough for you, Kelly-Jo.
Come on.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Ooh, Jerome was so cute in his Geico ad.
Mm, back in the day, I would have let him bundle my policies.
(LAUGHS) Aw, why didn't you two date? Oh, we did.
(GASPS) Every summer in high school, I would visit my granny in Detroit.
So I met Jerome in my senior year, and, uh, you know, we had a cute little teenage romance.
Does Calvin know? No.
I would've told him, but when we started dating, he had a "Don't Ask, Leave the Past in the Past" rule.
When we started dating, Dave had a "Do Ask, Do Tell" rule.
He even told me his first crush was Nancy Reagan.
And yet you still married him.
Eventually, though, his honesty policy grew on me.
He's the ultimate open book.
He'll tell anybody anything.
- Hmm.
- Watch.
Dave? Yes, sweetie? How many people have you slept with? - Six.
- Three.
Six? You told me it was three.
Did I? Wait, did you lie about your number? Hmm.
(HIGH VOICE): Did I? That's the same voice you had when I asked you if you dinged my car last week.
(HIGHER VOICE): Is it? BOTH: Yes, it is.
All right, you got it, little man? Yeah, I got it.
- I said, you got it, little man? - Yeah, I got it! All right.
One, two, three.
- (GROANS) - Yeah, I don't got it.
D'oh! Hey, Marty, how come you're not helping us get ready - for Poker Night? - Well, I am, man.
I'm busy making snacks.
Uh, yeah, that'll be three large pizzas.
Ooh, and some mozzarella sticks.
Okay, yeah, and-and two dozen mozzarella sticks.
Yeah, Malcolm, give me your debit card.
What? I didn't budget for no damn mozzarella sticks.
And yet you got enough money in your budget for a Captain Kirk Snuggie.
It was a collector's edition.
That's an investment.
Man, playing poker is so much more funner than doing my English homework.
More funner? Yeah, you might want to try "more harder" on that homework, brother.
And, yeah, uh, listen.
We appreciate you helping us set up, but tonight's for adults only.
I'm sorry, Grover.
Aw, come on.
We got mozzarella sticks coming.
Hey, you know what? I'll save you some.
Didn't want to come to your awesome party anyway.
Look, oh, well.
These poker nights can get kind of wild, Marty.
It's no place for kids.
And maybe not for you, either.
Last time, you lost $100.
Yeah, but this time, I'm prepared.
I've created a foolproof system that calculates the odds by running every permutation of any given hand to create an advantage in my favor.
So, you're counting cards? Yeah, basically.
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - (GRUNTS) It's, it's - Hey, dude, hey.
- What's up, man? - Good morning.
- Hey! Sidney! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hey, this is my cousin, Whitney.
She likes poker, so I brought her.
No, I brought you.
I'm the one with the car.
Why are you always telling family business? Why you always broke? (LAUGHING) - (MUTTERS) - Okay.
Well, I got to warn you, Whitney, I have a math-based system that tells me there's an 86% chance that I'm going to take 93% of your money.
Well, I have a system that tells me you're 100% corny.
- What? - It's called my eyes.
I like her.
Yeah, she can stay.
Oh, yeah.
Bam! 1984 Pasadena High School.
First Team All Conference.
Jerome's gonna feel a lot more comfortable knowing he's not the only baller in the house.
(CHUCKLING) Well, I guess everyone can reach around your trophy to get to my artichoke dip.
Or we can just move your artichoke dip altogether.
Uh, guys, so excited to take a picture with The Bus I changed three times.
Are you sure it wasn't six times? - (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Hmm.
(HIGH VOICE): Was it? Romy! Welcome.
- My man! - My man! - My man! - My man! - My mickety, mickety - All right, who-who wants drinks? My man? (TINA CHUCKLES, SIGHS) Do I smell artichoke dip? My man! Seven.
Just quit, Marty.
You've already lost all your poker money.
Do not lose your pride.
What? I No! I can't be losing.
I am a damn rocket scientist! Look, Marty, there's no shame in quitting.
I do it with jobs all the time.
I've won five hands.
And you've won zero.
I'm no rocket scientist, but it sounds like you need to call Houston.
'Cause you got a problem.
I'll match all your chips.
My debit card.
MALCOLM: Whoa, whoa, wait.
Marty! We haven't paid rent yet.
What about your budget? Mind your own budget! I'm also putting in my Apple Watch.
And I raise you my last chip.
I call.
(LAUGHING) Full house! King, seven.
Math wins again.
Or, perhaps, for the first time.
Uh, not so fast.
According to my calculations, and this equation, "X" equals "you lose.
" - What? - Four queens.
- (GASPS) - Oh How is this possible, that I'm losing to somebody related to Trey? But, honestly, I'm surprised too.
That's Here you go, cuz.
Thank you.
Oh, look.
Marty, my new Apple Watch says it's time for you to breathe.
My mama gave me that watch.
All right.
I know they always called you The Bus, but back in the day, they called me The Truck 'cause I used to haul ass into the end zone.
- Ha! My man! - My man.
My man! My m Dave, no.
Hey, we're outta beer and I'm outta money.
And Mom wasn't lying about knowing Jerome Bettis.
- What? - (CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, Jerome and I go way back to a time when Amazon was just a jungle.
Jerome, what was my mama like as a kid? Lil' Tee Tee? She was a lot of fun.
She was the best skater in our crew.
Except for me, of course.
Man, please.
You know, it's funny how you were selling Geico, but whenever you got on wheels, your ass would crash.
(LAUGHTER) You always did talk a lot of trash.
- CALVIN: Yeah, sure.
- (JEROME CHUCKLES) And I remember you loved the movies.
That's why we spent a lot of time at the local drive-in.
Drive-in? That requires a car.
With you two alone in it.
And-and my car was so small, she was practically sitting on my lap.
(LAUGHS) E-Excuse me? Aw, it was like a, like a summer romance.
Like like Danny and Sandy.
- Romance? - Well - Grease! We saw that together.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, and Saturday Night Fever.
It was a-a Travolta double feature.
Double feature? That's a awful lot of lap sitting.
Wait a minute.
Y You guys weren't a couple, were you? No, no, no, no, no.
It was nothing like that.
Uh, no, it was just a teenage fling.
Fling? My woman and my man? (CHUCKLING): Oh.
Oh, man.
- This was fun.
- Good seeing you, Romy.
Next time I'm in town, I'm taking you guys to dinner.
- See you, Tee Tee.
- All right, now.
I'm sure you've got to get going, man.
Got one of those Hall of Fame meetings to get to.
And get that yellow jacket out of the dry cleaners, okay? So drive safe, my man.
All right? - Well, that was embarrassing.
- Well, yes, it was.
You embarrassed the hell out of me, Tina.
I embarrassed you? You were the one acting crazy tonight.
Well, you would have, too, if you would've learned what I just learned.
I mean, who else did you date that you forgot to mention? Barack Obama? Nelson Mandela? Ja Rule? I didn't forget to mention anything.
I was just following your "Don't Ask, Leave the Past in the Past" rule.
Well, if your past is all up in your house eating your food, then it's in the present.
You think it's easy for me to hear about you dating a famous athlete? You were the one who came up with the "Don't Ask" rule.
Look, and don't think I didn't know you used to be Mr.
Player Player.
But did I make a big deal out of it? No, I did not.
Well, I didn't make a big deal out of your past, either, Tina, mainly because I didn't think you had one.
Look at all this, Calvin.
Of course I had a past! What, you want me to start naming names? - Okay, let me just - Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
See, now you're going too far.
No, you're the one tripping over somebody that I went to a movie with over 30 years ago, who you invited to dinner and then acted like a child.
- A child? - Yes.
You know, nah, nah.
Don't try to put this on me, Tina.
You know what, Calvin? I don't have time for this.
Well, I didn't have time for it first.
- Well, good! - Good! - Good! - Good! And we cancelling Geico! I brought you the traditional husband peace offering.
Traditionally, that's jewelry.
But I'll take the pie anyway.
Look (SIGHS) I know it was stupid to lie about my number.
We had just started dating, and you were a little weirded out about my "open book" policy.
You know, whenever we would open my book, you wanted to burn all the pages.
No, I just really liked the chapters about us.
And I didn't want to hurt you with my typical Dave "oversharing.
" Especially when it was about all the women who turned me into, well, the sexual animal I am today.
An example of oversharing.
I admit, I used to get uncomfortable about your past.
But I'm much more secure now because of our open-book policy.
I'm just mad that you lied.
I get that.
And and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
And while we're here, you know, I did to be totally transparent remember a seventh girl.
She's the one who taught me to Stop talking.
Well, I should also be totally transparent.
I might've spent some time in the Ozarks with Justin Timberlake.
Let's just say we were, uh, NSYNC.
(LAUGHS) That's funny! Wait, for real? Justin? Gemma, I gotta know.
He's all over my playlist.
- Ah - Uh Hey, Dad.
Did I catch you at a bad time? No, son.
Never better.
Uh I was a little embarrassed to bring this up in front of Jerome Bettis, but Don't say that name in that house.
Don't say that name on this porch.
Well, see, I-I created this poker system based on math, that, uh All right.
How much did you lose? Let's just say I'd have to cash out some Bitcoin to make rent.
Oh, no, not your Bitcoin.
I don't care.
Pay me.
Okay, all right.
Quit playing.
I got your back, man.
Thanks, Dad.
But you're gonna have to clean up this yard, wax the cars and scrape off the grill.
Okay, all right.
Fair enough.
I respect that.
You know, I'm glad you're my dad, man.
Even though I probably could have been a famous athlete if Jerome Bettis had been my father.
Me, too, son.
Even though I could have been retired if Patrick Mahomes was my son.
Hey, Calvin, I'm returning your pie tin.
How are you and Tina doing? I don't know.
Ask Romy Rome.
So, you're still mad at her? Look, you just don't get over something like that.
The man is in the Hall of Fame.
Plus, I've napped in his jersey.
Okay, so you're really mad.
But you know what, you're right.
In fact, I'm still mad at Dave.
Gemma, come on.
Is the number really that important? Yes! I'm not sure I can ever forgive him.
You know what? This sounds a little extreme, so tell me what's really going on.
I can't stop thinking about those other women.
Well, that's why I created "Don't Ask, Leave Your Past in the Past.
" Also known as "Don't Ask or That's Yo Ass.
" (SIGHS) I mean, I was his eighth choice.
I bet he'd love to leave me for number seven.
She's probably some doctor type who's really good at full-body exams if you know what I mean.
I do.
But that's not Dave.
Dave is the guy that crocheted us all mittens for Christmas.
Look, Dave married you.
He loves you.
Those other women don't matter.
You have nothing to be insecure about.
Do you really believe that? You're damn right I do.
Then act like it.
(WHOOPS) Ooh, Mic drop.
- (CRUNCHES) - (GASPS) Oh, my God, I cracked my screen.
- Hey, babe.
- I don't want to talk.
Look, I was thinking that I might owe you an apology.
Keep talking.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry that I got jealous.
(SIGHS) What were you thinking? I don't know.
I guess I wasn't.
I just I got a little insecure that I thought maybe you thought you made the wrong choice.
Wrong choice? I chose The Truck.
The Truck is built for anything.
Yeah, but he's The Bus.
You could have been Mrs.
You know? Living the good life.
Front-row seats to the game, private jets, flashy jewelry.
Calvin, what are you talking about? I am living my best life.
Yeah, but being married to a guy that owns a body shop doesn't get you on The Real Housewives of Pittsburgh.
Calvin, I have had lots of chances at living that life, but I chose you and the life you offered.
What do you mean you had "lots of chances"? Oh, you thought you were playing about Ja Rule.
What? Tina I-I'm just playing, I'm just playing.
Calvin (SIGHS) You know, nothing can replace the chemistry we have.
Do you know how I feel every time you walk into a room? I'm guessing pretty good? After 32 years of marriage, I still light up.
Every time.
I feel bad.
I guess I should've told you about Jerome.
No, the rule is the rule.
And I still think it's the right way to go.
I mean, who cares about our past when we're each other's forever? Mmm.
- I love you.
- (CHUCKLES) I think it was kind of sexy, though, with you being so jealous.
Made me feel like I still got it.
Oh, trust me, you still got it.
(BOTH LAUGH) And I still want it.
Now come on, let's go get unholy.
- Come on.
- Okay.
(TINA LAUGHS) Thanks for taking me to the movies, Calvin.
Anytime, Lil' Tee Tee.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Ooh! This is my favorite part.
He is so cute! No! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (SNORING)
Previous EpisodeNext Episode