The Neighborhood (2018) s04e13 Episode Script

Welcome to the Stakeout

1 Oh, hey, Calvin.
Ready for our, uh, tee time.
Oh, sorry.
Rain check, buddy.
I'm missing a part of the suspension kit for a '63 Impala.
It was right here yesterday.
Oh, well, uh Is this it? No.
That's the muffler.
Which is, uh not part of the suspension? Very good.
And tomorrow we'll work on shapes and colors.
Okay, well, I don't understand.
Why don't you just get a new suspension? Because it's an original from 1963.
I can't just jump in a time machine and go back and get another one.
Besides, Black people don't like to travel back in time.
Hey, you know you don't think it was one of your employees, do you? No.
I trust my guys completely.
Which is why I hid a bunch of cameras all around.
Did you check the cameras? Di Did I Come Did I check the cameras? Really, Dave? That's the question you gonna ask me? Did I check 'em? You didn't check the cameras, did you? Look, I just got robbed, Dave.
Stop blaming the victim.
Why is the footage so grainy? I don't know.
These cameras were state of the art when I bought 'em in '92.
Calvin, I was 11 in 1992.
My View-Master had better resolution.
Oh, there's the thief.
Or is that a smudge? Well, that smudge is stealing your car parts.
Unbelievable, man.
I mean, you work and you struggle to make an honest living.
And then some lowlife just feels he can come and take it all.
- All right, well, let's call the cops.
- And tell 'em what? Find a working VCR, and fast-forward to the smudge? Well, what are we gonna do? We're just gonna let this guy get away with it? No.
The thief didn't take all the parts, so he'll be back.
And when he does, I'm gonna be right here waiting on him with my good friends law and order.
And I'll be waiting with my good friends Rizzoli and Isles.
Everyone take a deep breath in and hold it at the top.
This will clear your heart chakra.
One sec.
I've got to clear my porch chakra.
Hey, girl.
- Oh - Oh, what? Are you having a party? Oh no.
Oh, no, just having a couple of friends over; nobody you know.
Hello, I'm Aria.
Welcome, goddess.
Ooh, you have a beautiful aura.
Well, thank you.
You know, I use cocoa butter.
Well, you came just in time for the tranquility sound bath.
Well, what's that? Nothing you'd be interested in.
Plus, we're capped at five people.
- Fire marshal stuff.
- Oh.
Gemma, there's always room for one more in the spiritual tub.
See, I am down for that.
But I'm not getting my head wet.
This is over $300's worth of somebody else's hair.
I guess nobody cares about the fire marshal.
This looks like so much fun, ladies.
You know, I used to play drums in church.
All my childhood trauma's coming back! Okay, Tina, Tina, Tina? - Tina.
- What? These are sacred bowls.
We play them to clear our chakras.
The idea is to make them sing.
Let me show you.
Oh, girl, nobody needs to show me how to sing.
Well, then, join me.
Ah Ah Chakra, clearing my Chakra Khan.
I'm ev ery goddess.
It's all in me I can read your thoughts right now Every one from A to Z This is fun.
You know, nothing makes me happier than living with my parents.
Uh, yup.
That earthquake was a blessing in disguise.
They're not here, ass-kisser.
Hey, man, I'm just trying to stay in the will.
Okay, check out this picture of me and Necie.
We recreated The Lady and the Tramp.
God, you two are so corny.
I know.
I know.
We're perfect together.
You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I may have found the one.
Wait a minute.
Marty, you-you posted this on Instagram? - Yeah, man.
- You know, posting a romantic photo after only a month is relationship suicide.
- What? - Yeah, you know, you got to start with a soft launch.
Look, first start with a close-up of both of your hands.
Huh? And then, you creep on up, yeah, to the elbows.
Elbows? - Yeah.
- I'm trying to show the world my girl, not do a lotion commercial.
All right, but if you make your relationship official before she's ready, lotion gonna be all you got left.
You know what? What do you know, Single Person? Okay? We hashtag "Black love" over here.
Hey, where did our picture go? Oh, crap! Necie untagged herself from my post.
See, man? You scared her off.
No, but we call each other "boo.
" The parking lady at work calls me "boo.
" Oh, it's Necie.
- I'm about to be dumped.
- Wait, wait, Marty, Marty.
Don't answer it.
She can't break up with you if she can't reach you.
That is terrible advice! But I am gonna take it until I can come up with something better.
I mean, how crazy was that? I thought the singing bowls and the crystal rubbing was kooky, but that, uh, Reiki massage? I mean, thank God I didn't pay for it.
You know, she never laid a hand on me.
Tina, this isn't a joke to me.
Oh, come on, Gemma.
You didn't think that was weird? No.
I believe in energy healing.
Ha! Since when? I mean, come on, Gemma.
We used to make fun of the hippie-dippie Cali girls flirting with trees and howling at the moon.
I mean, come on.
It's more than that.
It's about tapping into the feminine collective and healing.
Are you sure this is sage you're burning? No offense, Tina, but this is why I didn't invite you.
You have a tendency to be a teeny, tiny bit obnoxiously judgmental.
Well, I think "the collective" tapped you in your head.
'Cause you're falling for some New Age baloney.
It is not baloney.
And, you know, Aria was wrong.
Your aura isn't beautiful! It's just okay! Yeah.
Here you go, Mr.
Ooh, please try to steal from me tonight.
'Cause when I catch your ass, you won't have fingers to steal, legs to run, or a mouth to beg for mercy! That's right.
- We're gonna make him go directly to jail.
- Yes.
Lock him in the pokey, send him to the big house! Whatever it takes to scare him straight.
'Cause there's one thing I can't stand, Dave that's a thief.
Especially one that tries to steal from me.
Come on! This is exciting.
It's like a real-life stakeout.
I feel like Will Smith from Bad Boys.
Dave, if anybody is Will, it's me.
I'm at least two inches taller than you, and America loves me.
You hear that? It's the thief! They've come back for the parts.
Go, Dave! Stop! I'm getting too old for this! They're out here somewhere.
There he is.
Get him! I got you, you Where are you going? No, no, no.
Come here, you dirty rascal.
Look here.
I hope you like your toilets in your bedroom.
You're done, bro.
Uh Lady bro? Ms.
Bro? I Look, I'm sorry.
Uh, what are your pronouns? She, her.
I'm a girl.
Which probably explains why I make less as a thief.
You're-you're just a kid.
What are you doing stealing car parts? Because Enrique needs them.
Yeah, there it is.
Always some dude.
Yeah, you know, steal for yourself, young lady.
You're better than that.
Enrique is my car.
I'm restoring him.
That's a '63 Impala.
Looks pretty good.
There's no way you fixed this car up.
Esta chica puede arreglar un carro mejor que tú.
What'd you say to me? She said, she can fix a car better than you.
What? I am quasi-fluent in all the romance languages.
Yeah, whatever.
Just because you put a cotton candy air freshener in there doesn't make you a certified mechanic.
You know what does? Dropping in a 427-cubic-inch V-8 engine in.
And I changed the exhaust to Flowmasters.
- Oh, my baby Enrique is loud.
- Oh.
She really does know her stuff.
Excuse me.
My car right now is making the weirdest noise.
- Hmm.
- It just goes, "Urgh.
" Okay, please.
I'll give you your stuff back.
Oh, so now you want to humble yourself now that you got caught? Big surprise.
It's you, Yoli.
Let me guess.
Car parts? Yeah.
So what are you gonna do? Call her parents? Make her clean up trash on the side of the freeway in one of those really unflattering orange vests? No.
I'm arresting her.
- But I-I can't do this to my - I told you the last time, no more warnings.
I need you guys to meet us down at the station.
Come on, man.
I can't go to jail.
Please? Okay, Officer, look.
I'm not gonna press charges.
Really? Are you sure, sir? Yeah, I don't think putting her in the system is gonna solve the problem.
All right.
Free to go.
Don't make him wrong, Yoli.
That was really cool of you.
Look, you're a kid, and you made some bad decisions.
I'm giving you an opportunity for a second chance.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.
No, this second chance comes with two conditions.
One you work for me, and two you work for me.
I don't think so.
Oh, really? Dave, why don't you call the cops back? - Okay, okay.
- Yup.
You win.
All right, I'll expect to see you at my shop tomorrow.
And this time, you're invited.
And make sure you're on time.
Ooh, ooh, have to grab my car parts.
- Come on.
- Oh, you Oh! The renovations are starting to come together.
Marty, the kitchen sink is in the living room.
Yeah, and at this rate, we're gonna be at your house another two months.
What? Mama, that is 1,460 hours.
Uh Not that I was counting.
No! Necie's out there, and she's headed to our house.
She's trying to break up with me.
No, no, no.
No breakup.
You like this girl, and more importantly, I like this girl.
Let me talk to her.
Mom, no.
I can handle this on my own.
I'm not a kid.
But if I do get dumped, can you have your shoulders ready, and can you please make my favorite hot chocolate? Oh.
I got you, baby.
Mommy'll whip you up a batch from the living room sink.
Oh! Hey! You almost got me.
You would've deserved it.
Marty, why are you ghosting me? If you're gonna break up with me, at least do it to my face.
What? I thought you wanted to break up with me because you untagged yourself from our picture on Instagram.
I untagged the picture from my professional account.
I can't be slurping spaghetti on my boxing page.
Unlike you, cute is not my brand.
Y-You're right.
I am cute.
You know, you have no reason to feel insecure.
You got me, boo.
And guess what, boo? You got me, too.
Knock, knock.
Oh, if it isn't the Jolly Green Goddess of Evergreen Drive.
Well, usually I travel by astral plane, but I decided to walk over.
Tina, I am really sorry about this mess.
I should have told you I was exploring mysticism.
Why did you keep it such a big secret? I knew you'd think all this stuff was silly, but after my miscarriage, I was searching for a way to work through my pain.
Nothing worked until I met Aria.
That goddess group really helped me heal.
Wow, Gemma.
I had no idea.
And I'm glad you found the healing you needed.
And I'm sorry.
I-I would never mock anything that's important to you except maybe your husband.
Yeah, well, we all do that.
But just for the record, you are a big source of positive energy in my life.
That's mutual.
And you know you can talk to me about anything, right? I do.
All right.
Well, now that you're a goddess can you invoke anything to speed up my damn renovations? Hey, I am just stepping into my feminine power.
I can't work miracles yet.
But I can make a bottle of wine appear.
- What? - Ta-da! Ooh! Amen! I mean, A-woman.
Thanks for not pressing charges.
I brought back everything.
Even the things you didn't notice I stole.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The deal we made is that you work for me.
That's part of the bargain.
You were serious about that? Yes.
Now I may not call the cops, but somebody in this neighborhood knows your parents, and I will call them.
Good luck.
My papi got deported when I was 12, and my mom works doubles.
So, I take care of myself.
That's tough.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It is what it is.
Enrique was actually my dad's car.
We were working on him together, and I was trying to finish him for when if he gets back into the country.
Well, he did a good job teaching you.
You just need to use your talents in a way that keeps you off my security cameras.
Where are those cameras? You don't need to worry about that.
You're right.
Hey, have you ever installed a throttle shifter? No.
But I did try to steal one once.
Well, don't try to steal one twice.
I'm nice, not stupid.
Watch and learn.
Well, I got to say, your '63 Impala is nice, but it's not factory original.
The '63s came with chrome mirrors and not stainless steel.
Sorry, viejo, but '63s definitely came with stainless.
Oh, really? If only there was a way we could figure out who was right.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, here it is right here.
1963 Impala chrome and stainless steel mirrors.
So I was right.
And I was also right, right? Yeah, but I was more right because chrome was first.
All right, well, we've done enough for today, all right? You can get on out of here.
Uh, I saw a Buick in the back.
Do you need any help with that? Sure.
Why don't you call your mom and let her know you're gonna be late.
I'll text her.
I don't know what she said, but I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey, hey, get back to work.
Whoa, my love My darling Okay, now only three of our followers are gonna get this Ghost reference, but those three people are gonna really like it.
The only follower I care about is you.
Lonely time More clay? - As much as you've got.
- Mm.
What the hell kind of freaky mating ritual was that? I got to tell Tina.
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius Age of Aquarius What in the hell kind of freaky female ritual is this? I got to tell Dave.
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