The Neighborhood (2018) s04e15 Episode Script

Welcome to the Remodel

1 I can't wait to see your new renovations.
I have not been this excited for a reveal since L.
announced - their new composting program.
- Oh, yeah.
You're excited? We've been living with our parents for 140 days.
Uh, I had 175.
At least that's what it felt like.
You? I was about ready to Shawshank my way out of there.
Well, so hold on, Calvin, did you really let Tina handle everything? Yes.
All I wanted to know was how much is it gonna cost, and when is it gonna be done? Well, it's all done now.
And the earthquake insurance paid for most of it.
Most of it? How much did we ? - Welcome, everybody, welcome! - Yay! Welcome! Oh, my God! This is like the best episode of Fixer Upper ever.
Well, I sure hate our house now.
Right? This is amazing.
I wish it was this ritzy when we were kids.
- Hey, it's not ritzy hey! - Oh D-Don't touch anything.
It's a good thing it wasn't this nice when we were young, 'cause we would've destroyed it.
Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah, we would've broken that.
- Yep.
- We would've broken that.
We definitely would've broken all that.
And, look, Gemma! A wine fridge.
- No more lukewarm chardonnay.
- Oh! So, Calvin, what do you think about the new digs? Well, it's a lot of big changes, but, um, I like what I've done with the place.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You? You fought every single change the whole way.
Oh, Tina, Tina.
How about we leave the old attitude at the old house? It just doesn't go with the decor.
And this island is so big, it's almost like an actual island.
Now, when I tell the ladies I've been to the islands, I won't be lying.
Excuse me.
Calvin! Wake up.
What are you doing? We have guests, baby.
Well, don't blame me, babe.
I mean, you're the one that reupholstered my old chair.
- Hmm.
- And she's so pretty, I might have to give her a name.
Well, I'm glad you like it, but if you name it, both of y'all gonna be in the backyard.
Just saying.
Ooh, check out Mom's new fancy refrigerator.
It makes five different types of ice.
Ice is ice, Marty.
How many different types do you need? Oh, you simple man.
This makes crushed, cubed, shaved, pebbled, and a big-ass square block for your Scotch.
Check this out.
This is why people hate the rich.
Thank you.
Ooh, Tina! Calvin.
Your home is just gorgeous! Oh, well, thank you, Miss Kim.
I'm so glad you chose to stay and remodel, instead of moving out of the neighborhood.
It's about time this block started to change.
Yeah, well, n-no, I'm not trying to change anything.
You've changed everything.
I just hope you haven't changed your bedroom curtains.
I like seeing your silhouettes at night.
Tina, are you hearing all this? Yeah, got it blackout curtains.
Uh, Miss Kim? Would you like to see our bedroom from the inside for a change? Oh, goodie.
Okay, right this way.
Well, well, well.
Check you out.
New kitchen, new living room, new furniture.
I don't even know how to act in this house anymore.
Me neither.
He even bougied out his chair.
Well, you know, I upgraded her a little bit, man.
And she hugs my body like I just came home from the war.
I'm thinking about giving her a name.
- Renata.
- Renata.
- But don't tell Tina, don't tell Tina.
- Oh, no, no, uh-uh.
Hey, come on, let me get y'all a beer, man.
All right, all right.
Uh-oh, look at that, green apples.
- Thank you, sir.
- Now hold on.
Let me elevate the experience for you.
Because beer tastes better in frosted mugs.
A fridge just for chilling beer mugs? - Fancy.
- Mm.
- Ole Calvin used to be one of us.
- Mm-hmm.
Now he done gone Hollywood.
Can we even use slang in this house anymore? Hey, man.
Come on, now, - I'm still Calvin from the block.
- Mm.
Ain't nothing changed about me except for this house, and insurance paid for most of it.
What kind of bougie insurance covers a mug froster? Man, I own a bar and I don't even have that.
Well, that's because I got real insurance.
Not one that has a table at the swap meet.
I must admit it's really nice to see how the other half lives Hollywood.
Okay, all right, you two done had your fun, man.
You can stop calling me Hollywood.
Hey, we ain't mad at you, Hollywood.
Don't call security.
No, I don't have to call security, but I might call the IRS and let 'em know that them two kids you claim are not really yours.
Hey, are you almost ready? We're gonna be late for Calvin and Tina's party.
I know, but we need to talk.
Oh, God, what did I do? What did I forget? Can I just pre-apologize, so we can go to the party? Look, watch whatever freaky thing you're into, just please do it on your own tablet.
Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me Why didn't you tell me you were into videos of women twerking? I'm not.
I'm I mean, I am now, uh But it wasn't me who was watching those videos.
Oh, come on, Dave, who else could it be? Hey, I'm ready to go.
Marty said the housewarming's turning into a dance party.
I don't want to miss that.
I bet you don't.
Dave! Today it's twerking videos, tomorrow it's something twerkier.
Okay, well let's cancel the Internet.
I think it's time we have a more mature conversation with him about sex.
We've already explained the basics, so we just need to take it up a level.
Yeah, you're right, but I'll-I'll do it.
Make it a father-son bonding thing.
But first I don't know how they do this, I mean, just-just physically.
Oh, it's easy.
It's all in the knees.
Ride with me How'd you get so good at that? From watching twerking videos.
But I clear my search history.
Hey, Calvin, is Grover inside? Yeah, he's in there on my iPad.
Oh, no! Whoa, look at you.
Frosted mug.
Somebody's living large.
I'm just living, Dave.
Look, I'm sorry, man.
It's just a lot of people in there with a lot of opinions.
Well, I'm glad you're out here alone.
We need to talk about sex.
Dave, we've had that talk already.
Gemma and I found out that Grover's been watching these twerking videos, and now I have to have a real sex talk with him.
- Oh.
- And I was hoping to run some ideas by you, since presumably you've had to do it twice.
More like six times.
Marty refused to believe that people would engage in such "inappropriate and unsanitary behavior.
" Well, look, I'm just trying to avoid it being awkward and uncomfortable, like, like the sex talk that I had with my dad.
Well, Dave, you have a way of making the simplest conversation awkward.
A lot like the way this one started.
Look, I know, and I just I don't want to screw up this up.
Look, man.
In this hyper-sexualized world we live in, Grover is bound to be exposed one way or the other, so you're smart to try to get ahead of this.
But the most important thing you can teach him is to make good decisions and treat his partners with respect.
You see, that, that was perfect.
Can you be there when I talk to Grover? So you want your neighbor to watch while you talk to your son about sex? No, you're right.
That's my dad's sex talk all over again.
Oh, look, baby, the Patels sent us a gift.
You know, the neighborhood is still talking about the party and our remodel.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just worried that showing off our house may have sent the wrong message.
I mean, Ernie and the guys kept saying that I've gone Hollywood.
And that the Butlers, we all Bel Air bougie now.
Baby, they're just busting your chops.
They didn't mean it.
Mama, can I have another espresso macchiato from your Italian coffee maker, please? I love how it steams the milk all light and foamy.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you want one, Marty? Uh, I guess, although last time the steamed milk was light, but it was not particularly foamy.
Not bougie at all.
So why aren't y'all drinking the coffee at your own place? 'Cause you got all the good stuff.
And we need it especially after playing poker - at Ernie's all night long.
- Yeah.
Ernie had a poker night? Well, yeah, Dad, all the guys were there.
We figured you were busy at the shop.
I wasn't invited.
You see, Tina? Baby, they probably just forgot.
No, they didn't forget.
They think I've changed, like I'm not one of them anymore.
No, no, look, for what it's worth, Pop, we did have your back when the guys were clowning you.
- You did? - Yeah.
'Cause they was going in on you, Pop! Yo, Ernie said you are so siditty, you now pronounce your name Cal-veen Boot-lar! Ah! After a couple hours of clowning you, we was like, "That's my daddy, come on, now, like " That's what you did? - Yeah.
- Yeah, we did.
Okay, well, Cal-veen says get your own damn coffees.
No, Daddy, no Mmm, this is foamy.
- Tina? - Mm-hmm.
I was looking at that bidet and realized this is all your fault.
My fault? How is this my fault? Well, you're the one that invited people over to our new abode and Did I just say "abode"? What have you done to me? You know what, maybe I have changed.
Baby, you haven't changed.
You just now have a house that's tailored to your taste.
They'll come around.
No, this is how it starts, Tina.
First you're not invited to poker.
Then you're shunned by your whole community.
Eventually your only friend is a recliner named Renata.
Yeah, I knew you would name it.
Babe, the way she cradles me in her lap just calling her "chair" felt rude.
Don't make me rip out her stuffing.
Look, baby, you're just overreacting about all of this.
Our community still looks to you as a leader.
No, babe, not if they can't relate to me.
They're starting to pull away, Tina.
Because they think they think I'm the new Omarosa.
All right, no, how about this, why don't you invite the guys over to watch a game? You can talk a lot of trash and prove to them that you're still the same old Calvin.
Splendid idea! This house got me saying "splendid" - with a British accent.
- Yeah.
You know what, now I'm peeved.
You know what, damn it, I'm gonna just stop talking.
Which is why the most important thing is consent.
You know, you never want to make anyone do something that they're not comfortable with.
Well, you make me clean my room.
I didn't consent to that.
Well, that's your mom, not me.
Now, let's talk about those twerking videos.
It is completely normal for you to want to watch them.
Oh, good, but why can't I stop watching them? That's a good question.
Uh, well Grover, we have these things called hormones.
Uh, which are you know, little guys that bounce around inside your body and make you want to buy engagement rings and be nice to passive-aggressive mother-in-laws.
What? No, I get it, I get it, it's-it's complicated.
Luckily I've written a song.
Oh, no.
See, what'd I tell you, man? Just a regular old game night with the regular fellas.
- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah! Thanks for having us over, Calvin.
This new 4K TV is no joke.
The Lakers look like they're actually in the living room.
Oh! I thought Durant was actually gonna kick me.
Ooh, LeBron on a breakaway.
There he go! Boom! Uh Malcolm did it.
- What? - Malcolm did it.
Ernie did it.
- Do not point your finger at me.
- Okay, all right, guys, come on, now.
Accidents happen.
Ain't nothing a few napkins can't take care of.
- All right.
- Here you go, just get that.
- Are you okay? - I'm okay.
- Ernie? - Hmm? Old buddy, you mind, uh, taking your feet off my ottoman? It's an ottoman.
Isn't that where you're supposed to put your feet? Not when it's made out of Bolivian bovine, no.
Oh, I thought you said make ourselves at home, Hollywood.
You're right, you're right.
Mi casa, su casa.
- Yeah.
- Well, in that case Oh! I'm sorry, I think I broke your remote.
That wasn't just a remote! That was a new smart-house, multi-platform, touch-screen keypad.
My bad, Hollywood.
But if it was so smart, it should've moved out of the way.
- Move get out the way! - Get out the way! You know what, that's it! You know what, I'm tired of y'all thinking I'm different because of my house.
Yes, it's beautiful.
And, yes, I'm proud of it, but just like y'all, I work hard to have what I have.
Now get your Sasquatch feet off my ottoman! Hey, uh I think what my pops is trying to say is, please respect his space.
I-I'm sorry, was I not clear? What I'm saying is get the hell out of here! - Get out! Everybody - You talking to me? Put the cup down, Ernie, put the cup down.
You know that, and don't try to get no salsa, don't try to take no chips.
Everybody, go.
You know, I got to say, you're starting to feel like the old Calvin again.
Oh, you miss the old Calvin? - Yeah, man.
- Well, this is gonna warm your heart.
So, you see, there's these things called hormones.
And they make you want to buy expensive stuff.
And you need consent, but not when it comes to cleaning your room or eating broccoli.
Well, you know, it makes more sense if you sing it.
So the song is basically about Touching and rubbing - And putting - Thank you for sharing, Grover.
But I believe they've heard enough.
What were you thinking? Every kid on the playground is singing about sex, like it's a fun Taylor Swift song.
What do you have to say for yourself? Did they really compare my songwriting to Taylor Swift? Okay, I'm sorry Ms.
Johnson, but can we please talk about this at home? No, because I'm not your wife right now.
I am your son's principal.
Okay, well, in my defense, how do you explain hormones? I mean, nobody knows what those things are.
They're our bodies' chemical messengers.
Ooh, that's good, I got to add that to my sex talk song.
What rhymes with messenger? Got it.
"Sex with her.
" Dave, Grover needs real information about sex.
Yeah, I know you're right.
I overthought it.
I just, I didn't want it to be like the sex talk I had with my dad.
Everything was a power tool reference.
I still feel dirty walking around the Home Depot.
Okay, so what does this thing do again? It's a convection oven.
It can braise, roast and toast.
Isn't that what a regular oven does? Well, this one convections.
Well, that clears that up.
Oh, hey, Ernie.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, quick, Tina.
Hide the Grey Poupon before Ernie accuses me of being a mustard elitist.
Actually, that's why I'm here.
I want to apologize for all the snide comments and rude jokes.
You didn't deserve that.
Yeah, man, I mean, we've always kidded around, giving each other a hard time, but this felt different.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was jealous.
I had a bad year at the bar.
I'm two months behind on rent and I might have to shut down.
But-but I still shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you.
I'm sorry.
Wow, man.
I didn't know.
Look, apology accepted.
- Thanks.
- So why don't you stay and have some dinner with us.
Well, I have good timing.
Can I get you a beer? Oh, could I get one of them frosted mugs? Oh, you ain't said nothing but a word.
Ah Yeah, yeah, all right, y'all.
Time for me to head home.
Thank you for the hospitality.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey, hey! Was that chicken convectioned? Why, yes, it was.
Thank you for noticing.
- I knew it, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, uh, Ernie, before you go, um, there's something that we wanted to give you.
- What's this? - Look, man, I'm not a rich man, - but I am a blessed one.
- Yes.
And as a small business owner, I know how tough times can be.
But even more importantly, man, you're my boy.
So I know you would do the same for me.
Aw Hey, look Thank-thank you, - but I-I can't take this.
- Oh - You can and you will.
- Yeah.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, besides, man, that right there, that's a loan.
Don't think your boy out here giving away free money.
- Now, that is the old Calvin.
- Yeah.
Hey, thanks, you two.
And I promise I will repay this loan - when I can.
- And when you do, make sure you give me that other $40 you owe me.
Yeah! And that's how things really work.
Wow! So, now that you have this information, if you share it with your friends, just stick to the facts.
Oh, don't worry.
I'd never talk to my friends about this.
Now that I know how disgusting it is, count me out.
Well, that went well.
I know.
I kind of want to update my sex talk song now.
Let me know what you think of this.
She's got it, she's hypnotic But now she's on antibiotics She's got it, she's hyp
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