The Neighborhood (2018) s07e07 Episode Script

1
What happened?!
What-what hap?
Isn't it obvious what happened?
These maniacs destroyed my library.
Don't look at me.
This old heap is a death trap.
(HORN HONKS)
Thank God there was an
experienced driver behind
the wheel of this hooptie.
Hooptie?
This car is 30 years younger than you.
You the hooptie.
Okay, so my dad's not a great driver.
That does not mean that he
needs that heifer Loretta.
Gemma can't drive.
Does she need Loretta?
Uh, excuse me.
Why's your taillight cracked?
Something happen to your taillight?
Dave, don't be rude.
We're talking about Otis.
Tina,
the man is half deaf, half blind,
blood pressure high,
doing doughnuts in a school zone.
The only reason Loretta
was bossing him around
was to keep him alive.
Hey, good morning.
(BEEPING)
Uh, wha-what's that beeping noise?
Oh, that's-that's my phone.
Yeah, Loretta did something to it,
just to mess with me. (CHUCKLES)
The joke's on her.
I can barely hear it.
It's an alert. It says "Take pills."
Wait, Daddy, you-you have pills
that you're supposed to take?
Thanks for reminding me.
He got it, just he got it. Yeah,
yeah, they're in this thing here
Loretta put them in here so I'd know
what to take and when. Okay, okay.
Otis?
All-all your pills are in "Sunday."
And today is Sunday, so
down the hatch. Oh! Oh!
No, no, no, no, no Whoa,
whoa, no, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, Daddy.
Let's take a look at these.
Okay, we got a blood pressure pill.
Okay, I see a Tylenol.
This is a red one with an "S" on it.
Ooh, let me see that. Huh.
Uh
Oh, yeah, it's a Skittle.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Malcolm, I am a new man.
After yesterday's near-death
experience, I realized
I can't take tomorrow for granted.
Every day is a gift,
and I'm gonna live life
to the fullest.
Okay, you're right, Marty.
Yeah, life is short.
What you gonna do?
I'm going to the movies.
Whoa, Marty, let's not
get crazy. Calm down.
It's too late.
I already bought tickets to
Ascension III: The Beginning.
Wait, how can III be the beginning?
Well, the first was
ASCENSION: Apocalypse.
Then Ascension II: The Final Battle.
But if II was the final
battle, how could you?
You know, nuh-uh, no.
Live your life, okay?
I like this new Marty.
Come on. Living life on the edge.
What you gonna do next,
drink two percent milk?
With my tummy?
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Hey.
Uh, hey, Courtney. (CHUCKLES)
Is it laundry day?
(CHUCKLES)
Hilarious, Malcolm.
I left the Wand of
Vengeance in the car,
or you'd recognize me
as Princess Mango
Assassin. Mango Assassin.
How the hell are you two not a couple?
Well, I'm off to the
Anaheim Anime-Con.
Oh, no, but it's the
second Sunday of the month.
You've got Daphne. Well, I told
you, we need to switch today.
Okay, you may have told me,
but you definitely didn't
put it in our shared cal
Oh, okay, no, you actually did, uh
Okay, but I was gonna
go to the movies today.
And I haven't been to the
movies since Daphne was born.
Aw. You want to talk
about what's happened
since our little alien
burst out of my body?
(MUTTERS)
It feeds on me.
Always.
And you want to know what's next?
Teeth.
Yeah, I feel like you won that.
Okay, so, uh,
you take this one. (CHUCKLES)
And I'll take this one.
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
Oh, and by the way, uh,
Daphne's had a little sniffle,
so keep her hat on her.
Okay? Okay, sure.
Okay. (CHUCKLES) All right.
Ah, ah, well
(LAUGHS) It is your
lucky day, Malcolm.
You may have my ticket to Ascension.
All you have to know
is, the Quantarans
are at war with the Moon Leeches.
- Now, what is a Moon Leech?
- No, no.
- No, no, no
- Now let me tell you about the Moon Leech
Oh, no, no Moon Leeches, no, no.
You go see your movie, Marty.
I will watch Daphne.
Seriously? No, I-I can't do that, man.
You don't know anything about babies.
(CHUCKLES) What's there to know?
This kid is three months old.
I can change a diaper,
put a bottle in her mouth, boom.
(LAUGHS)
You go watch that movie.
All by yourself.
Oh.
Daddy, can we talk?
You okay?
(COUGHING) Oh
(GRUNTS)
Never better! (COUGHING)
Give me that.
Ow! Give me this.
You're bad as Loretta. (SIGHS)
Look, Daddy, tell me the truth.
Why did you leave her?
She just didn't appreciate
the good thing she had.
Daddy.
All right, fine.
Truth is
she left me.
Talking about she felt
unappreciated.
But she was trying to
hold a brother down.
It seems like she was trying
to keep a brother alive.
Since when have you been on her side?
Daddy, I'm on your side.
That's why you need to get her back.
Don't you miss her?
No
I do miss her cookies, though.
Oh, please, her cookies
are lumpy garbage.
Not those cookies.
Ew!
(PHONE BEEPING)
Yeah, Otis?
Your phone is beeping.
Oh, pill time.
Too many rules.
Rules and pills.
(CHUCKLES) I hear that, man.
High blood pressure pill.
High blood pressure ain't
never killed nobody.
Look, Otis, man-to-man,
look, I get it.
Wives they mean well,
but they can be annoying.
I mean, you've seen Tina.
In there making me eat baked chicken.
She get on my nerves with that.
Now wait a minute, hold on now, that's
my daughter you're talking about.
Look, all I'm saying is,
relationships are give and take.
You take your pills,
she'll give you peace.
Yeah, yeah.
Look.
Found one of my little blue pills
for hump day.
O-Otis, today is not Wednesday.
Wednesday's not my hump day.
Thanks a lot, I'll
make sure to keep that in mind.
That is one horny old man.
(PHONE RINGS)
(GRUNTS)
Hello. Yeah, this is Calvin Butler.
My mother's maiden name?
LaBelle.
Who's that?
It's our insurance company.
Oh, okay, bye.
My first pet's name?
Look, you called me,
you know who this is.
Wait.
What?
Oh, howdy, neighbor.
No, don't you dare howdy me.
Why did you file an
insurance claim against me?
Oh, well, now you won't
have to pay out of pocket.
My new car's not even
on my policy yet.
Oh, well, you're supposed
to do that immediately.
Well, I was about to
do it immediately.
You know,
maybe Otis's insurance
will cover it. (SCOFFS)
Otis's driver's license was revoked.
And you let him drive
without checking it?
I'm his son-in-law, Dave,
not a state trooper.
Look, you got to get this reversed.
Our insurance rates will go sky-high.
And then we can't afford this house.
And we'll have to move.
And a fraternity will move in,
throwing parties at all hours,
Grover can't sleep,
then he fails out of school.
There goes college.
I mean
do you want that for your son?
No.
Then you got to fix this, Dave.
And not for me.
BOTH: For Grover.
- (CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
- You see that, Daphne?
This is football.
You will never watch
this with your daddy.
(DAPHNE FUSSING)
You hungry?
Don't worry.
Uncle Malcolm has got you, okay?
One second, I'll be right back.
(THUD) (DAPHNE CRYING)
Oh, damn!
I think I broke Daphne.
What?
What happened?
Well, I was watching her.
And I put her down on the couch
for, like, five seconds
You left her on the couch?
It was five seconds.
I had to warm up her bottle.
And then,
well
this.
(GEMMA GASPS)
Aw, look at that little scratch.
Poor thing, aw.
Did your negligent Uncle
Malcolm give you that boo-boo?
It was five seconds, Gemma.
It's just a little scratch.
It'll go away in a couple days.
A couple of days? Gemma,
I'll be dead tonight.
Hold on, I have some
concealer in my purse.
I can just cover it up.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, you are a lifesaver, Gemma.
What the hell is that?
That's not gonna work.
Don't you have concealer
for Black people?
Oh, yeah, it's right here
N-No! Why would I have that?!
(KNOCKING)
Hey, Gemma, have you seen? Oh!
Malcolm, here you are. Hey, what's up?
What's up, man? Hey,
man, what's going on?
What's going on with you? (GASPS)
Malcolm, what did you do?
Technically, I didn't do anything.
It was Daphne who
rolled off the couch.
- She what?!
- Wait, Marty.
Marty
calm down.
Babies are resilient.
It'll heal fast.
- She's a baby, not a starfish!
- Okay.
When Courtney sees the scratch,
I'm gonna have to admit
that I left our daughter with
an unauthorized babysitter!
Well, just keep this
little hat on her.
It covers the scrape,
and it's supercute.
Yes. Yes.
Courtney said Daphne had the sniffles.
She told me to leave it on.
I'm just doing what she asked for.
See? This is a great plan.
Is it?
What's gonna happen
when Courtney wants
to give Daphne a bath?
(BABBLING MOCKINGLY) "What's
gonna happen when Courtney"
Do you have a better
idea, Uncle Baby Dropper?
♪
Hello, Loretta.
Tina.
Uh, let me guess.
These have been the longest
two days of your life.
It's been challenging.
I know.
He missed his hump day.
Look, Loretta, I know that things
have been a bit, you know,
tense between us.
Like when you sent that Christmas card
to "Daddy and current resident"?
(CHUCKLING)
I mean, that was so long ago.
That was seven straight Christmases.
Okay. Here's the thing.
Maybe
just maybe I misjudged you.
And I am willing to
let bygones be bygones.
Now come and get him.
Hold on.
For the last seven years,
you've been giving
me the cold shoulder
while I've been nothing
but loving to your father.
Now I'm the one that
needs to be forgiven?
Well,
I think I'll let this sock respond.
"Kick rocks"?
If you can wait a minute,
I think I can find
the "kiss my butt" socks.
I keep them over here
behind the counter.
Okay. All right.
Look, I just
I'm just trying to say that my dad
really misses you.
Well, I'm sure he does.
I'd miss me, too.
I've been fighting with your father
tooth and nail to keep
him healthy and safe,
but does he appreciate it? No!
I'm just exhausted.
You can keep him. Y'all
deserve each other.
Okay.
All right.
I probably had that coming.
You did.
I can't believe I'm about
to say this, but I
I guess I was cold to you.
You were.
I just said that.
Look, Loretta.
When my mom passed, I had a hard time
getting on with my
life, and my father
well, he didn't.
So you decided to take that out on me.
You're the one who
stopped coming around.
That's because he's my father,
and you you just swooped
in and you took him.
Took him?
I fell in love with him.
And I'm not going to
apologize for that.
Well, I guess that's that.
I guess it is.
Well, I'll let him know
that this is really over.
Oh.
Do you validate parking?
Only with a purchase.
I'll just pay.
♪
Mother's maiden, Henner.
First pet, Fluffy.
First concert, NKOTB.
Oh, for crying out loud,
it's New Kids on the Block.
Uh, yes, Debra, I-I
just need to correct
a few details about my claim.
I now remember that I did
not see the license plate.
In fact, it was the license plate
of the car that is
parked safely next door.
Okay, goodbye. You're done.
Yeah, I now actually remember
that maybe there wasn't
an accident at all.
Okay, give it give it here.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
That was the hardest
thing that I've ever done.
Well, you did it very poorly.
All right, throw a little paint on it,
and the little library
will be good as new.
Oh, man.
You, sir, are a craftsman
of the highest order.
It's four pieces of wood, Dave.
Well, can you build one a little
bigger for my dad to live in?
Because after the conversation
I had with Loretta,
clearly, he's staying.
Well, you know, you joke,
but the city recently streamlined
their permitting process
for building an ADU.
You could have Otis living
in the backyard in no time.
I'm not sleeping on the grass.
No, no. We build you
a whole structure.
With a waterbed? Yeah, sure.
What? No.
All right, well, I'll
just, uh, park an RV
in the driveway.
You can't drive a car.
Now you want to drive a small house?
Oh, knock over one little bookshelf,
and all of a sudden, you don't
know what the hell you're doing.
I've been driving longer
than any y'all were born.
Dave, what's with this
text in the group chat?
Ta-da!
(CALVIN BABBLING PLAYFULLY)
Hey, Daphne. Why'd they put
this hat on you? It's too hot.
MALCOLM and MARTY: No, no!
What?!
Who put this scratch on my
baby's head? Malcolm did it.
No, no, he he left
me with daddy duties.
I'm just an uncle.
Uh, the important thing
here is there's big news:
Daphne learned how to roll over.
Yes, yes, that is the
takeaway. Yes, that is
You better hope the government
doesn't take her away.
Oh, my God, my baby.
Oh.
Oh. Here you are.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
Y'all seeing this?
What's going on?
It's about Daphne. Uh, wait, Malcolm.
Let me handle it.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
Courtney, there is a
scratch on her head.
Okay, okay, don't judge
me. I scratched Daphne.
And I was hoping that
you wouldn't see it.
You did this? She did this?
It was an accident.
Okay? I scratched her precious
little head with my nail.
That is why I put the hat on her
so that nobody would notice. (SIGHS)
This is so great.
(LAUGHS)
I thought it happened when
she rolled off the couch.
You let Daphne roll off the couch?
No, not me. Malcolm did it
when he was babysitting.
You let Malcolm babysit?
I am a damn good babysitter.
Nobody told me Daphne
was ready to roll.
Does she dress like this all the time?
Uh, I'm not mad at it, but
it's just that you look like
one of the Funkadelic
backup dancers, you know.
(CHUCKLING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who is this man?
Um, this is Otis, uh, my grandfather.
He's here for a while.
Oh, Loretta.
Hi, Calvin. (CHUCKLES)
What's Princess Mango
Assassin doing here?
Finally someone gets it.
Of course. I sell your socks.
To weirdos.
Um, hi, Loretta. I'm
surprised to see you.
Probably heard that I was here
having fun, eating
fried chicken, driving.
Oh, come on. Who would be crazy enough
to let you eat fried
chicken and drive?
Them.
Look, don't look at me.
My chicken was baked.
Well, come on, come
on. Pack your bags.
- I'm taking you home.
- No, no. Wait. (STAMMERS)
Hold on. Hold on.
I'm a grown man.
I go where I want to go.
Besides, I don't want
to insult Calvin.
He's building me an
ADU with a waterbed.
Loretta, ain't none of that true.
Come on, Daddy. Hear Loretta out.
She drove all the way
from Irvine to see you.
Yeah.
Closed my sock store early, too.
I'm so sorry. Are-are are
you referring to Sockopolis?
Mm-hmm. Oh. In the Irvine Galleria?
I love that store.
You know, I'm what some people
would refer to as a, uh,
sockaholic.
Look at these. Ooh!
Oh-oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Slow your roll, Romeo.
This is my wife you talking to.
Oh, you're my knight
in shining armor now,
but at home you fight
me on everything.
- Oh, woman
- Whoa, O-Otis, Otis
Give and take.
Give and take. And take.
(BOTH MUTTERING)
You know
I really do appreciate you.
And I miss you.
I miss you, too.
You've got to let me live a little.
Sometimes a man needs to eat
something with a little flavor.
Well
Okay, then. Let's make a deal.
You be nice, and I'll give you
a little something sweet now and then.
You mean, uh, candy or you?
Both.
You know, I just took my pill.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Good Lord.
They better get going
before Grandpa can't put
his seat belt on over his
Hey, man.
What? What?
Tina, I'm glad you came to see me,
and I forgive you for being cold to me
and for calling me "heifer"
behind my back.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Well, how about you two
come for dinner soon?
Oh, yes, yes. I-I would like that.
Yeah. But it has to be at 4:00.
I can't drive after dark.
I can. No, you can't!
I love you, Daddy. Mwah!
You bet. I'll be back
for my things here.
All right. Okay, Otis. All right, now.
Come on, now. (CHUCKLES) Oh, wow.
Yeah, boy, that's love right there.
Whew. You know,
they're really good together.
Yeah, you know what? And
speaking of together,
I got one of Otis's little blue pills.
You know what day it is.
BOTH: Hump day!
(LAUGHING)
♪
Good night! Night night.