The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e02 Episode Script

Okay, these are for school.
Lunch and two snacks.
One to eat, one to trade.
Oh, and this is for dinner, in case your dad makes that chicken thing with the cherries.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Dad.
- Hey, pal.
Ooh.
Ooh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You mind if I use your bathroom? I gotta make a pit stop.
Not a full pit stop, just an oil change.
I'm going to pee.
So do you like the zipper bags better than the pinchy kind? - We don't have to do the small talk.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Okay.
Buddy, put your backpack on.
Okay.
Have a good day at school.
I'll call you tonight to tell you that I love you and say goodnight.
Okay? - Okay, Mom.
- I love you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Reminds me of my mom.
Not that you're as old as my mom.
My mom is young, she looks great.
You look great.
- We're gonna go wait in the car.
- Great.
Great.
Great.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.
Why are you singing a? Oh, my God.
You just had sex.
No, I didn't.
I was peeing.
I thought I made that clear.
No, no, no.
That's your sex song.
You always sing it after you perform your act.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Who are you talking to, buddy? I was there.
When we were married, I heard it many, many times.
And then not so much at the end.
- All right, so I had sex.
- Yep.
Christine and I have been dating over three months.
You can't be surprised.
Oh.
No, no, no, I'm not surprised.
I never really thought about it.
Hey, if you wanna jump into the sack with the first girl who comes along, be my guest.
Be my guest.
Actually, she's not the first.
Right after you and I split up, I got one under my belt.
Under your belt? What are you, a pirate? I shouldn't have brought it up.
Obviously, you haven't had any and you're a little Anyway, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
We've been divorced for two years, which means you haven't had sex in just over three years.
- Yikes.
- Okay.
For your information, Richard, I have had plenty of sex.
I don't tell you everything.
I've had it under my belt.
Over my belt, around my belt.
You know, I've pretty much worn out my belt.
Really? So plenty of sex? Hey, when I gots to have it, I gots to have it.
Look, it's not a competition.
You'll be ready when you're ready.
Oh, hey, I'm ready.
I'm ready right now.
Then I gots to go.
I didn't mean from you.
I got plenty of guys coming here to get some sex.
All right, what about the one with the Mystic Tan and the butterfly clip? Yep, I think she's having sex too.
Are you kidding me? What about you? Are you doing it? You know, maybe sex isn't your thing.
Maybe your thing is more having awkward conversations with your employees.
Sex used to be my thing.
God.
In fact, senior year in high school, I was a little bit of a slut.
That's what I was known for.
I mean, that, and my laugh.
- You do have a nice laugh.
- Oh, thanks.
God, I used to be fun.
Then I became a mom.
You know? I used to be turned on by the touch of a man.
Now I'm turned on by a sale at Target.
If I could just get a guy to touch me at Target, I'd be gold.
- So have sex.
- I can't.
It's complicated.
You know, I'd have to find a boyfriend who likes kids then I'd have to make sure Ritchie likes him, then what if he has kids? Whose house do we stay over at? You don't need to have a boyfriend to have sex, Peggy Sue.
Have a one-night stand.
Get one under your belt.
Do you know that you are the second person to use that expression? Ever? No, not ever.
God, a one-night stand.
Oh.
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Where would I go? What would I do? Go to a singles bar? You could.
But that would mean hopping in a time machine and going back to when singles bars existed.
Well, I mean, where do you go? I get most of my action at the grocery store.
Really? God.
Because I go to the Ralphs on Pico, and it's all skateboarders and lesbians.
No, that Ralphs is dead.
Try the Whole Foods on Fairfax.
I can't remember the last time I left that place alone.
I have to say, I feel really uncomfortable about this.
Well, I need company.
It would seem too whore-y if I came to a grocery store to pick up a guy alone.
Oh, and bringing your brother along makes it seem wholesome? - Then why are you even doing this? - I just wanna feel like a woman again.
Help me be a woman again, Matthew.
Please don't make me do that.
Oh, come on, you're a guy, you do this kind of thing all the time.
- What do I do? - I don't know.
Just act sexy.
Oh, I can act sexy.
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm acting sexy.
It looks like you're trying to get a cobra out of a basket.
Hey, this move killed for me in the '80s.
Oh, that's great.
If a Duran Duran concert suddenly breaks out, you'll be set.
All right.
I got it, I got it.
Here goes.
Hi.
My name is Christine Campbell.
I'm divorced, but I get along great with my ex-husband.
We're just better as friends.
Anyway, I'm not crazy.
I'm very stable.
In fact, I own my own gym.
It's one of those 30-minute workout places for women.
I make decent money though, but most of it goes to my son's private school.
But I'm not a snob, I'm very down-to-earth.
I just want what's best for my son.
His name is Ritchie.
We live in Mar Vista.
Excuse me.
- Okay.
- Way to play it cool.
- This is hard.
- It doesn't have to be.
I just think the most important thing for you is gonna be, let him do the talking.
Right.
Okay, you're right.
I got it.
I got it this time.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Excuse me.
That was better.
I am not cut out for this one-night stand thing.
No, it's not for everybody.
I know it seems silly to you, Matthew, but I just wish somebody would notice me.
Not as a mom, or as a carpool captain, but as a woman.
I mean, do you know how long it took me to do this to my hair? - A minute? - No.
A long, long time.
Gosh, this is impossible.
Come on, let's get out of here.
I'm never gonna meet anybody in a grocery store.
You met someone, didn't you? Yeah.
We had a moment over by the goat milk.
I think she's into me.
I'll see you at home.
- Are you done with that cart? - Hey, knock yourself out.
Wow.
I don't want to embarrass you, but your hair is really pretty.
It must take you a long time to make it do that.
- You're in a good mood.
- Yeah, I'm always in a good mood.
- Like when? - Like always.
Like the night you were born.
- And then today.
- Yep.
Okay, off you go to school.
Bye, darling.
I love you so much.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.
See you later, alligator.
- Good morning.
- Hello, Christine.
Good morning, ladies.
What's wrong? You're smiling.
- What do you mean? I always smile.
- No, no, you don't.
No, it's something else.
Wait a minute.
Oh! Did you have sex? Marly, I think you're right.
Her neck muscles have relaxed, and she's not doing that crazy thing with her eyes.
- Admit it.
- Maybe I did, and maybe I didn't.
- Oh, you did.
- When did you get a boyfriend? You don't need a boyfriend to have sex, Peggy Sue.
Oh, yeah.
I got addicted to one of those things.
Almost broke up my marriage.
What? Oh, no.
No, not that.
No, no, no.
I met someone, and, you know, we had a nice time.
That's all there is to it.
- What, you're not gonna see him again? - Maybe I will and maybe I won't.
- You can do that? - Apparently, I can.
Oh, crap.
Here comes Sad Dad.
- Sad Dad? - Yeah, that's the other side of divorce.
His wife left him three years ago for her personal trainer.
He's been moping around ever since trying to get any woman to show him the slightest attention.
Oh, that is so pathetic.
Which one is he? Hey.
Oh! Hey.
Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Were you looking for me? Um Uh - No, my kid goes to this school.
- No way.
- Yes.
- My daughter Alice goes to school here.
Wow, you You would think that that would have come up last night.
Oh, my God.
- No, no, no.
Don't answer that.
- Why? Who is it? We're very busy.
Please leave a message.
Hi, baby.
It's me, Stan.
I was just sitting here on my bed eating dinner by myself and I'm looking at the place where we, you know, were last night, and Holy cow, it's still warm.
Oh, wait.
That's because I put my spaghetti pot on it.
I make a good sauce.
I take a jar of Paul Newman's, and I add - Wait.
What happened? - I slept with him.
No, with the sauce.
What did he add? I picked the worst person to have a one-night stand with.
He's a parent at Ritchie's school.
He's depressed, he's needy.
Well, it sounds like you two have a lot in common.
What was I thinking, going to the supermarket picking up a random guy for sex? Yeah.
Out loud, it sounds foolproof.
Oh, this is awful.
Sad Dad isn't going away.
Sad Dad? That's sweet, you guys already have pet names for each other.
- Shut up, Matthew.
You gotta help me.
- Pick up the phone and tell him the truth.
He was a one-night stand, and you never wanna see him again.
No.
I'm gonna handle this my way.
I'll cut my bangs and eat a Dove bar and go to bed.
Hey, do you hear that? He must have gotten the message.
Christine.
Um, I think the guy that you You know, the other night when you and he Dirty.
All right.
I know, just let him in, okay? I'll get this over with.
Thanks.
Hey, lover.
Hey.
Mm.
That was nice.
Yeah.
So have a seat.
Wow, I haven't been in a gym in a long time.
Not since my wife left me for her trainer.
It's okay, though.
It's been great for my daughter.
She loves her new dad, and she's in the best shape of her life.
Look, uh, Stan.
The other night, I was in a particularly vulnerable place and, um, I think what happened between us was a little quick.
Oh, I know.
Sorry again.
Oh, no, no, no.
L I-I mean that, I think we should go back to being friends.
Yeah, but we were never friends.
Well, maybe we should go back to being pre-friends you know, like the way we were last week.
- But we didn't know each other last week.
- Perfect.
Are you breaking up with me? In a gym? I can't believe this is happening again.
Stan, I am so sorry.
I really am.
You're such a nice man, and I actually did have a great time the other night but I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.
I mean, the truth is, I haven't had sex in three years.
Really? You wouldn't know it, the way you jumped right back in with the dirty talk.
Okay.
Now, look, Stan.
Listen, you were my one under the belt, okay? A fling.
All right? But it's over.
It's finished.
Wow.
That's too bad, because I really like you.
You're so foxy and nice.
I even made you this mix tape.
Oh, you remembered my favorite band is Supertramp.
Well, I slept with him again.
And it was even worse this time.
Because he made me feel so self-conscious about the dirty talk.
Hi, I'm your brother and I think you remember your ex-husband, Richard.
Yeah, Matthew was just filling me in.
He didn't mention the dirty talk.
I didn't even know about the dirty talk.
Now I gotta go call Mom back.
Don't.
Don't.
- I can't believe Matthew told you.
- Don't blame Matthew.
I already heard about it.
It's all over school.
The fourth graders are doing their class project on it.
Christine, what are you doing? I don't know.
It was our conversation the other day, okay? You're right.
I haven't had sex in three years, you know? And you can get completely out of the habit of it, you see? And before you know it, your neck muscles are straining and your eyes are doing all these crazy things.
So you went out and picked up the first guy you saw? He wasn't the first.
The first three said no.
Wow, it's like a romance novel.
He said I was foxy.
When I say it out loud it doesn't really seem like a good enough reason to sleep with somebody but it was 10:00 at night, on the sidewalk in front of a grocery store.
You know, I was all good to go.
Please don't tell me any more, mother of my child.
And then I tried to break up with him today, but he made me a mix tape.
- Supertramp? - Oh.
They are so good.
I mean, I know it sounds a little pitiful, but it was my first time out there and I just I wasn't sure if anybody was gonna want me.
Are you kidding? Christine, you're incredibly sexy.
In fact, sometimes I still scream out your name during sex.
Oh, you do? Oh, shut up.
She has my same name.
- God.
- That That's true.
- But I still think you're sexy.
- Ugh.
Yeah, whatever.
Anyway, I got one under my belt, okay? I feel good.
Now I can move on.
- You gonna get that? - No.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I gotta do this.
Sorry, it does that sometimes.
My wife got the good car.
So how you doing? Well, Stan, we need to talk.
I know.
I can't do this anymore.
- What? - You're nice and sweet, Christine but I just don't think this is working out for me.
What? Why? Well, you know, I haven't been around much and I think you just might be a little too fast for me.
Fast? It's been three years.
I got a kid that goes to this school.
I gotta think of my reputation.
Your reputation? If anything, I helped your reputation.
Getting some of this is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Hey, don't you roll your window up at me.
You dig me, you know it.
You made me a mix tape.
Oh.
My stomach hurts.
- No, I would die.
- Oh.