The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e04 Episode Script

Who's that? That's the father.
Why's he running away? - He's not, he's going after that woman.
- Why? She thinks their kids are in that house and he doesn't want her to go in there.
Because it's haunted? No, because it's on fire.
We just watched a whole scene about that.
Hey, kiddo.
What are you watching? This awesome movie.
The fireman, he trapped his kids in a haunted house and he set it on fire.
Matthew, I don't think he should be watching this.
He's not.
I don't know what movie he's watching.
Christine! What'd she make for dinner? I'm starving.
Oh, no dinner.
She's out with a guy.
On a date? No, it's not just a date.
A fifth date.
Oh.
Who's the guy? Burton.
Some attorney.
Drives a Jag.
She's way into him.
Fifth date.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? You think I'll flip out because my ex-wife is dating the same guy a couple times.
Not a couple, five.
Five.
Five.
Give me a what? Five.
You know, I was hoping I wouldn't have to bring this up but tonight is our fifth date anniversary and I was kind of looking forward to a gift.
Ha.
I got you something, but it isn't wrapped.
- Oh, where is it? - In my pants.
Oh, my God! Oh.
You can't give me the same thing you gave me for our fourth date anniversary.
- Whoa! Hello! Wow.
- Uh Heh.
- Didn't mean to - Richard.
- No, we were just, you know.
- Yes, I saw.
Nice.
Yeah.
- I'm Burton Schaefer.
- Richard Campbell.
Christine's husband.
- Ex-husband.
- Oh, God.
Right.
Wonder what the psychiatrists would say about that.
They'd say you were leaving.
- I should probably head out too.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Let's do this again soon.
- Richard.
What? Burt can take a joke.
His name's Burton.
He must hear a lot of jokes.
That's okay.
No, I We got a big anniversary tomorrow so I should probably go home and wrap her gift.
Ah, nice meeting you.
- I like him.
- Hm.
- He's a good-looking guy.
- Yeah.
Almost pretty.
Good night, Richard.
What? It's a compliment.
He's a very adorable man.
- Hello? - Hey, it's me.
Look, I'm sorry about tonight.
I was just trying to be funny.
Really? Because it wasn't funny.
It was like Benny Hill not-funny.
Benny Hill's hilarious.
I can't have this conversation again.
Hang on, somebody's calling.
Hold on.
- Hello? - Hey, you gotta see this.
A woman's having fat removed and it fills an entire trash can.
- Ooh.
Channel? - Forty-six.
It's easily the grossest thing I've ever seen.
Oh! That's disgusting! Who would watch this? - Oh, I I gotta go.
Okay.
- Yeah, me too.
Hey, sorry.
Sorry.
Matthew just wanted me to see this show where they remove people's fat.
- Ooh.
What channel? - Forty-six.
Oh, my God.
Why would they put her fat in a trash can? Yeah.
Does the trash man pick that up? Because I can't even get them to take my old couch.
All right, I gotta get some sleep.
Wait, wait.
I called because I felt bad about how I acted.
I was a real jerk, and I'd like to make it up to you.
Fine.
Get me a trash can to put my ass in.
Listen, Richard, that's very nice of you, but you don't have to - Oh! - Ugh! Wow.
That's a powerful vacuum.
Look, let's go out to dinner.
You and Burton, me and Christine.
I'll buy.
A double date? Ooh, I don't know.
- Isn't that's kind of weird? - Why? Because we're divorced? So what? You obviously like this guy.
I'd like to get to know him.
I don't know.
Oh, that's Burton.
Okay, hang on.
Don't move.
- Hi there.
- I know I just saw you but I had to hear your voice one more time before I went to bed.
That is so sweet.
Listen, um, I've got kind of a weird proposal for you.
- Yes.
- Ha-ha-ha! No.
No, Richard's on the other line and, uh, he wants to take us to dinner to sort of make up for being such a jerk tonight.
- What do you think? Is that weird? - Uh, it's very friendly.
Uh, well, next week, we can go to my ex-wife's for dinner, you know? Oh, maybe she'll make her famous I- never-loved-you and-your-former-law-partner- is-a-better-lover-than-you'Il-ever-be potpie.
Ha, ha.
We can go to dinner.
Okay, fine.
All right, um, I'll see you tomorrow.
Night.
Hey, we're on.
Great.
I'll talk to Christine and call you tomorrow.
Okay, sounds like a plan.
Oh, God, this is Matthew again.
I gotta go.
- Bye.
- What? They're removing a 200-pound tumor from this guy's leg.
- Ooh.
Channel? - Sixty-three.
Thanks for doing this, honey.
I think it's really gonna be fun.
Do you? You're not gonna feel a little icky about seeing your ex-wife with a serious boyfriend? No.
Why would I? If anything, it's a relief.
If Christine pairs up then we don't have to feel guilty about our relationship.
- You feel guilty? - Did I say guilty? I meant lucky.
Which is basically the same thing when you're Catholic.
Luckily, you're a better kisser than a liar.
Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Sorry.
- We were just - Yeah.
We saw.
Very classy.
Uh, so, Burton, you've met Richard, and this is his girlfriend, New Christine.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Actually, I'm not new.
I've been here for 28 years.
I'm just new compared to her.
Well, let's eat quickly, because I have to get back to the home.
Okay.
Well, now, I'm new too so I guess you can just call me New Burton.
- Isn't that a town in Connecticut? - Yeah.
So, Burton, I just wanna say sorry about the other night.
We both said some things we regret.
- I don't remember saying anything.
- I accept your apology.
Let's just forget about it and have a good night.
- Good evening.
Hi.
I will be back to take your drink orders.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You okay there? Yeah, it's my My new date-night underwear.
I just got to fifth base.
Really, I want you to feel free to say anything around me.
- Christine, you look great tonight.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Your makeup's really doing its job.
- So, what's everybody having? - L I'm sorry.
My makeup is doing its job? What? What did that mean? What? It was a compliment.
You look good.
Wha? Richard, you don't compliment a person's makeup.
You compliment their face, not the thing that's covering up their face.
That's like That's like talking about somebody's girdle.
That looks like it's doing its job too.
You know, people in love-handle houses should not throw stones, buddy.
You guys, stop.
I'm sure you're making Burton uncomfortable.
No.
No, it's fine.
Actually, I'm very comfortable.
Reminds me of my honeymoon.
Heh.
Minus the flying ashtrays and Moroccan police.
You're right.
I promise we won't be sniping at each other all night, right? I'm sorry too.
It's a bad habit.
- Can we just start this whole night over? - I like that idea.
Yeah.
- Okay.
So, Burton, what sort of law do you practice? Uh, I'm an immigration lawyer.
Mostly Mexico and Central America.
I like it a lot.
You know, helping people find a better life and get a little piece of the American dream.
Of course, we still have a long ways to go.
Heh-heh.
But, uh Anyway, most recently, I've been down in Tijuana trying to reunite this family.
The mom's been working here and the kids are down there while she's It's really, uh It's really sad.
Yeah, I always get a laugh at that part.
No, I'm sorry.
It's just when you said Tijuana it reminded me of this story that Christine and I have.
No, no.
Lord, please do not tell that story, okay? I am trying to make a good impression.
- Now I've gotta hear the story.
What is it? - No.
No.
We were in this bar, Christine was drunk which by the way, is how most of our stories start.
Oh.
That's lovely.
Thank you.
She stole the waiter's whistle, started giving everyone shots.
No, I didn't steal the whistle.
Gosh, I bought it by showing the waiter my bra.
- And? - My underwear.
- And? - The top of my butt.
Which, by the way, is how most of our stories end.
Uncle Matthew, what does my mom do when she goes out? Uh, what does she tell you she does? She just says she's going out.
Okay, well, if you have to know.
When your mom goes out she She fights crime.
- Why does she get all dressed up? - Well, that's her disguise.
She brushes her hair and puts on clean clothes so no one will recognize her.
Oh.
You know what, Ritchie, no more questions about your mom.
Okay.
What makes some people gay? Your mom's on a date.
And you couldn't say anything because he knew you were wearing His hat! Yeah, they never run out of stories.
Not ever.
Ever, ever, ever.
That last one had a twist though.
They were sober.
Heh.
Didn't see that coming.
Remember Vermont? No, Richard, don't.
I think they're They're mad.
Burton, are you getting mad? Why would I be mad? It's like watching an alcoholic travel show.
Oh, we gotta do this again real soon.
I'm at my mother's next week, so it would have to be the week after that.
Yeah, or never.
Oh, right.
Or never.
- Wait, you're really mad? - No, it's It's fine.
It doesn't matter, all right? I'm just I'm gonna go get the car.
You know, I think I'll go with you.
Uh-oh.
Well, we'll be right there.
Ass! Me? What? You were laughing too.
At least I didn't do the duck walk for the waiter.
Richard, that got a laugh.
And you know damn well, if I'm getting a laugh I'm not gonna stop.
- This is your fault.
- How is this my fault? Because you kept telling those tired old stories and making Burton feel completely left out.
He's a lawyer.
I'd think he'd be used to being left out.
Ass! Christine.
Christine.
Christine.
Christine.
Wait.
Wait.
Are you actually mad at me? You spent the entire evening trying to sabotage my relationship.
- Why would I do that? - I don't know, Richard.
Maybe that's a question you need to be asking yourself.
Richard, I really like this guy.
I feel good when I'm with him.
He's the first guy that I've met since we broke up that I could really see myself staying with.
Oh.
Well, that's good.
That's great.
I just hope he forgives me.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, I am so sorry you had a terrible time.
Well, we've been together for six dates now.
You gotta take the bad with the good.
Can you forgive me? I mean, we just We get caught up in our old stuff.
Yeah, you know, speaking of that old stuff, there seems to be a lot of it.
Should I be threatened? Oh, God, no.
That's just a bunch of dumb stories from a million years ago.
I wanna make new stories.
With you.
Yeah, then we can take your new boyfriend out to dinner, and rub it in his face.
Oh, please, Burton.
I mean, if you let me, I promise I can make it up to you.
How are you gonna do that? Well, I can think of, uh, five ways just like right off the top of my head.
The first two, you are truly gonna love.
And the third is mostly for me.
Well, let's start with the third and then work our way backwards.
Wow.
And so the good news is Christine really, really likes him.
- Well, that is good news.
- That's what I said.
I'm happy for her.
- Yeah, maybe they'll get married.
- Hey, wouldn't that be swell? Watch.
I'm gonna get blamed for this too.
- How is he? - What did they say? We don't know yet, but it looks bad.
It might be his toe.
His toe? Oh, God, which one? The one that went to market or the one that ate roast beef? Hey, a toe injury is not funny, Richard.
It's true.
I lost the nail on my pinky toe.
It never grew back.
Now I have to paint the skin.
Richard.
Richard, have you seen the medical shows? I mean, toe injuries can lead to very serious complications.
In some cases, death.
Oh.
Forgive me.
I didn't realize I was speaking to a medical professional, Doctor? Shove it.
Janice P.
Shove-it, M.
D.
- That's very mature.
- Oh.
You wanna talk about mature? You just tried to kill my boyfriend.
- I was there, it wasn't - It was an accident.
Oh.
There are no accidents, Richard.
I mean, maybe you didn't mean to do it, but you still did do it unconsciously.
Unconsciously? Like in a coma? - I think she means sub - No.
You are unbelievable! - Don't you mean sub-believable? - Ugh.
You know what I mean, you toe killer! All right, stop it.
That's enough.
I can't take it anymore.
You're not even making sense.
You're just saying words.
You see? Even your girlfriend thinks you're an ass.
- Well, you're an ass too, Christine.
- Me? What did I do? It's both of you and this messed up dynamic you have.
You get going and it's like no one else exists.
And it's not just tonight.
It's all the time.
With the constant phone calls and the daily visits the obnoxious reminiscing.
It was only a matter of time before someone got hurt.
You're supposed to be divorced.
Why can't you act like it? Christine, you have to understand, we have a kid together.
We're always gonna be connected.
Oh, don't pull that.
This has nothing to do with your kid.
This is the two of you unable to separate from each other.
- I'm leaving.
- I'll go with you.
No, you stay here, Richard.
I'm serious.
You two need to figure out what your deal is because until you do, I don't think there's any room in it for me.
I need the keys.
I need money for parking.
- Yes! - Nice work, Dr.
Campbell.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
"Remove Adam's apple, including the core.
You'll end up with money and friends galore.
" Well, I'm really not in it for the money and friends.
I'm a healer.
So why does my mom go on dates? Well, because sometimes grownups like to go out with people their own age.
You're her age.
Why don't you date her? Well, most people like to date outside their immediate family.
And it's a law.
A good law.
What do you do on a date? Well, you, uh, talk and you laugh.
Sometimes you wrestle.
Oh.
What's intercourse? It's something to do with golf.
You should ask your mom.
- Does mom golf? - Oh, she's been known to hit the links.
- You get through to Christine? - No, she must've turned off her cell.
Thanks.
So, what do you think? Do you think she's right? - Do we have a weird dynamic? - No.
I mean, sure, we're closer than most divorced people but I think that's healthy.
I guess.
But I don't want our old relationship to get in the way of our new ones.
I don't either.
Maybe we need some boundaries.
Yeah.
Like I guess I shouldn't call you every night before I go to bed, huh? Maybe I shouldn't just drop by unannounced.
And of course, no running over each other's dates with a car.
Seems a little extreme, but okay.
And we won't call each other every time there's something gross on TV.
Well, what if it's something that concerns Ritchie? - We have to talk then.
- Right, of course.
We'll talk then, but only then.
Yeah, I think that can work.
You should probably stop thinking of me when you're having sex with Burton.
Richard, I didn't even think of you when I was having sex with you.
I don't wanna play with you anymore.
God, this is big, you know? Things are gonna change a lot with us.
I know.
But it's gotta be done.
- There are other people now.
- Yeah.
And by the way I think it did bother me seeing you with someone else tonight.
But it doesn't mean I'm not happy for you.
Oh, thank you.
About you and New Christine? Thank you for being happy for me.