The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e12 Episode Script

Okay, honey, finish up.
We've gotta get to school.
- Mom? - Yeah.
Does this map look like Portugal? I have no idea.
But nobody knows what Portugal looks like.
I mean, even the Portuguese think they live in Spain.
Sorry I'm late.
This is all I could find.
It's port wine.
From Portugal.
Wine? You were supposed to get decorations for the class.
Sorry.
I tried to go this morning but there was this huge line at Portuguese Party City.
- Really? - No.
There's no Portuguese Party City.
There's no Portuguese anything.
How'd we end up with Portugal? I was working during the sign up.
By the time I got there, the only country left was Portugal.
There's a Portuguese family in the class and even they picked Jamaica.
Ritchie, come on.
We're late, we're late.
- I don't wanna be late for this thing.
- What should I wear? We're supposed to dress like our country.
Oh.
Well, wear anything.
Stand next to the kid dressed as Spain.
- Everyone will buy it.
- Okay.
You think they eat Raisin Bran in Portugal? Yes, but in Portugal, they call it Raisin Bran.
- I don't wanna do this.
- Well, why'd you sign up for it? Oh, Richard, you don't know this school.
They've got a million events a week and you gotta volunteer and if you don't, they ostracize you.
I'm telling you, those moms are scary, snobby and judgmental.
And you're not judgmental? Hey, it's not called judgmental when you're right.
It's called right.
I mean, I know Ritchie likes it there, but, God, I wish I fit in better, you know? Is this Portuguese? Hold this.
Yeah, it's close enough.
Let's go.
Give me a hug.
Quick, big hug.
Ooh.
- Adios, or whatever.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh.
Your map of Portugal.
- Map of Portugal.
Right.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
Play nice.
You too, Ritchie.
Ah.
Portugal.
Jewel of Iberia.
Largest producer of cork in the world And that's all I know about Portugal.
And yet, you still might be the world's foremost authority.
All right, I'm gonna get going.
I'll see you later.
All right.
Whatever.
Something the matter? The minute the two of us are alone, you can't wait to get out of here.
That's not true.
The other day, we had that long conversation about stamps.
About how the price always goes up, but never goes down.
- Did you wanna revisit that? - You know what I'm talking about.
You and Christine got divorced and it's kind of like we did too.
But, whatever.
I guess I'm the jerk for even caring.
- Are you serious? - No, forget I said anything.
I guess I'm the ass for bringing it up.
Okay, okay.
You know what? I'm sorry.
You're right.
I guess things have changed.
Um, look, I've got errands, and then later I'm taking Ritchie to the batting cages.
You're welcome to come along if you want.
- We could spend the day together? - Yeah, it'll be fun.
We'll grab burgers, go to the batting cages, anything you want.
- That'll be great, Dad.
- Did you just? - No.
- Good.
Good morning, ladies.
Or should I say bonjour and hello? - Oh, good, Portugal's here.
- We saved that wall for you, Christine.
Oh, great.
Oh, I get the whole wall.
Okay.
Just set up.
Exports.
Imports.
Portugal.
Yeah, you know, Christine, you don't have to stay.
I'm sure you have a shift to run off to or something.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't work shifts, Marly.
I assign shifts to people, because I'm the boss.
I have a corporate credit card.
I've got 35 points accumulated.
Two thousand more, I get a flashlight radio.
So you wanna open up the bottle of port? Heh.
It's 8:30 in the morning.
Oh.
- You don't have any vodka, do you? - Yeah, where's Russia? You know what would help? If you could set out the plates for the international feast.
Oh, sure.
So, I have this new guy cooking for us.
He can do anything, Zone, South Beach, Atkins.
He's fantastic.
And he's cheap.
- How much? - Oh, I don't know.
Oh, shoot, I didn't bring enough double-stick tape.
Could you run down to the storage room and grab me some more? Me? Yeah, I'd go myself, but I have nice shoes on.
Oh, nice shoes.
Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
I get all my shoes at the car wash.
She works at a car wash? - Yeah.
- Mm.
God, my shoes are nice.
I spent $40 on these shoes.
- Oh, God, I hate those women.
- Which women? All women.
I mean, it's enough with them already, right? You wouldn't happen to be talking about those meanie moms? I'm sorry, I can't afford a personal chef.
I don't have time to take a three-hour yoga class.
I work.
Women are allowed to work.
It doesn't make them bad people or bad mothers.
Exactly.
I work.
Oh, my God.
You're the first woman I've met at this school with a job.
- There was another one in the fourth grade.
- Really? But they got to her.
They reprogrammed her at Nordstrom's.
- I love you.
- Oh! I love you too.
Where are we going with this? No, I'm sorry.
- I just get excited.
I'm Christine.
- Oh, Belinda.
- Oh.
So nice.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh.
Well, I better go, otherwise I'll get in trouble.
Sent me to fetch sticky tape.
Why don't you come have a cup of coffee with me instead? - Really? - Yeah, blow them off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why am I running errands for them? They treat me like crap.
They even stuck me with the suckiest country.
Portugal.
Yeah, I'm Portuguese.
Well, here's the thing.
I hate the country, love the people.
- So you still wanna have coffee? - Absolutely.
Oh, great.
Okay, I really will stop gushing in a minute.
But when we walked out into that parking lot and I saw that you drive a Prius too - I almost wept.
- I know.
I'm not alone anymore.
Oh! I didn't ask you, though.
Are you married, or? Mm.
Divorced.
Are you kidding me? That's fantastic! My marriage was a miserable failure too.
No.
No, actually we're still really good friends.
Yes.
I'm still really good friends with my ex-husband.
- You're kidding.
- No, I am not.
- We are the exact same person.
- I know.
Let me ask you something.
Do you ever let your armpit hair grow out just to see how long it'll get? Eww.
No.
Do you? No.
- That's gross.
- It's gross.
Totally.
Listen, I really do have to say that I never, ever thought I would fit in anywhere in that school, and I'm just so happy to have met you.
Christine? What are you doing here? I'm having coffee with my new friend, Marly.
What in the hell are you doing here? This is my house.
And your friend is my housekeeper.
You did great out there today, man.
Your swing is really coming along.
I didn't hit the ball once.
No, but the ball didn't hit you either, so we're doing better than last time, huh? - Let's get washed up for dinner, slugger.
- Thanks, Dad.
- You did great.
- Thanks, Uncle Matthew.
- I'm serious, you did great.
- Thanks.
Really great.
I'm proud of you, pal.
God, why can't he be better at baseball? Or at least stop using the bat as a dance partner.
Bad day? I made a new friend.
I finally met someone at this school that I connect with, and she's Marly's maid.
A maid? Oh, dear.
And she has the audacity to hobnob with a wealthy industrialist like you? Don't tell the Vanderploots, they'll kick us out of the club.
Richard, you know what I mean.
It was just a It was a surprise.
I mean, we had so much stuff in common.
Yeah.
You vacuumed once, didn't you? Yeah, it was a long time ago.
She borrowed the Flintstones' vacuum.
It was an elephant on a stick.
- Yeah.
- You know what? You guys should talk.
I've been in both of your bathrooms.
It's like a poodle lives under your toilet.
Okay, look, sorry.
We're just trying to understand what the issue is.
There is no issue.
And you know damn well what the issue is.
I am not a snob.
I don't care about anything except what's in a person's heart.
To me, she's just a person.
A very nice Portuguese person.
- That is a weird coincidence.
- I know.
I mean, you don't hear about Portugal for, like, what, 30 years? - And suddenly, you can't get away from it.
- Yeah.
Wait, you don't wanna be friends because she's a maid? No, I have to be friends with her.
You're gonna be friends with her because she's a maid? No, I wanna be friends.
I like her.
Okay, so good.
You could use a friend.
Especially one who cleans.
Hey, maybe you could make a second friend who cooks.
I haven't had a homemade meal in, like, a year and a half.
I'm gonna go change for dinner.
Wait a minute, why are you here? I took Ritchie and Matthew to the batting cages.
He's been feeling neglected since the divorce.
- Ritchie? - No, surprisingly, Matthew.
- He almost hit the ball, though.
- Matthew? No, surprisingly, Ritchie.
Well, I just have to finish this ironing, and then we can take off.
Okay, well, take your time.
This is nice.
I love a basement bedroom.
This is where you wanna be during a tornado.
Belinda, I Oh.
Sorry, I didn't know you were entertaining.
- Hello, Christine.
- Hello.
Uh, the book club is here, so if you could set the food out, that'd be great.
And, uh, you girls can help yourselves to a couple of sandwiches.
Just a couple.
Heh.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
She has this book club.
It's a couple of ladies from the school.
- My school? - Yeah.
They sit and pretend they read, but mostly it's just gossip.
Hey, if you help me, we can get out of here really quick.
- Help you? - We just need set out some sandwiches.
Oh, uh Boy, I just I don't know how much of a help I would be.
You know, I I once worked for two weeks at McDonald's and I accidentally gave away the secret to the secret sauce.
It's ketchup and mayonnaise, by the way.
Christine, are you embarrassed by what I do? No.
I'm not embarrassed at all.
But I mean, why didn't you tell me you were Marly's housekeeper? I'm sorry, should I have said: "Before you get too attached to me, you should know I'm a housekeeper"? Well, you came right out with the Portuguese thing.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
No, I I don't care what you do.
I am not like one of them.
Great, then help me so we can get out of here.
Okay.
I'Il I'll help you.
I'm excited.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, just grab a couple of bottles of chardonnay.
I'll get the sandwiches.
- These bottles? Yeah.
- Christine, hi.
- Hi.
Um - I thought we didn't invite - We didn't.
She's here with Belinda.
- But I thought you fired - I didn't.
Hi.
I'm just helping out.
I'm a parent at Westbridge too.
Actually, our kids are in the same class.
Oh, The Kite Runner.
Oh.
What a great book.
The writing is super lyrical.
Oh, not that chardonnay.
Uh, could you see if there's any more Stags' Leap? - Uh, I'd have a Merlot.
- Oh, I'll have Merlot too.
Would you see if there's any bubble water in the fridge? Yes.
For you, a thousand times, yes.
Thank you.
No, that's a line, um, uh, from the book.
It's a It's the famous line from I'll be right back with your order.
Belinda, I hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna head home.
- We can just hang out another time.
- Oh, no, don't.
I know this is weird for you but if you just help me out, we'll get out of here quickly.
- I don't think I can - Christine, please.
Marly is just She's looking for an excuse to fire me.
And I really need this job, so please, please help me out.
- Ugh.
Okay, I'll help you out.
- Thank you.
Uh-oh.
Who let the hens out? Charles, honey, what are you doing here? I have my book club meeting, remember? Oh, don't worry, I'll clear out.
Let you ladies do your reading and drinking.
Thank you, darling.
So, what did everybody think about the book? - Lindsay? - Oh, yeah.
It was amazing.
- You didn't read it, did you? - I had a rough week.
Jackson was sick and Kelsey came home crying.
There's another Kelsey in her class and now they call my daughter "Big Kelsey.
" Lindsay, no kid talk.
We get enough of that when the nannies take a break.
- Let's talk about the book.
- Well, I loved it.
You know what else I love? Hummus.
Couldn't stop thinking about it when they described the Middle Eastern-y part.
Oh.
Hummus.
Fun idea.
Belinda.
Christine, where's Belinda? Uh, I guess she stepped away.
Ugh.
I am gonna have to let that girl go.
Oh, but I'm sure she's coming right back.
- Is there anything I can do to help? - We need hummus.
- And sangria.
- Ooh, that sounds good.
Oh, that does sound good.
And roasted red peppers.
Oh, me make it.
Right.
Belinda, are you in there? I need you.
Christine, for God's sake, I asked for that sangria a week ago.
- Where's Belinda? - Oh, she's not feeling well.
She's lying down.
Probably.
By now.
God, that girl.
Is this whole house falling apart? Oh! Christine, what are you? Get off of me.
Just forget the sangria.
Bring some wine.
Uh, Marly.
You know, I don't work for you.
And I quit.
What? You know, I have been such a good sport up until now.
But, I mean, I'm getting really tired of you and your friends looking down on me.
Why would we look down on you? Since you came to this school the only person you've had something in common with is my maid.
You know, uh, I could say something right now that would really hurt you too.
But I'm not gonna do that.
Because I'm a much nicer person than that.
You're too tan.
You know what would be great? If you could stop judging me for, like, a minute and give me a break.
Me judging you? Yeah, look, you've got it easy, okay? You don't care what people think about you.
You don't try to impress people with your car or your marriage.
Your clothes.
I mean, you cut your own hair.
I don't cut my own hair.
This cost 60 bucks.
Okay, you don't spend a lot of money on your hair.
The point is you seem very comfortable with yourself.
And that, you know, makes me uncomfortable.
Well, just because I'm comfortable with myself doesn't mean I don't wanna fit in.
- What, you wanna fit in with us? - Yeah.
I mean, you guys could try and be a little nicer to me at school.
- Okay, well, we could try.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Good.
- Okay.
Good.
- This is good.
- This is good.
This is a tip for you.
A tip? No, Marly, that's not Oh, a hundred bucks? Whoa, thank you.
Somebody's getting a haircut.
And a new pair of shoes.
I'm not looking, I'm not looking.
I just wanna get my purse.
I don't wanna see anything, or, God forbid, touch anything.
It's okay, he's gone.
Ah.
Well, I am leaving.
I wanna thank you for a particularly humiliating afternoon.
- Are you mad at me? - Mad at you? No, that was great.
I don't know, which part was my favorite? Serving drinks to the meanie moms or watching Marly's husband massage your gums with his tongue? I know, I'm sorry.
I should have locked the door.
Yeah.
That's pretty much the only thing that was wrong with it.
You know, I'm not Marly's biggest fan, but she really doesn't deserve this.
Yeah, I know.
It's wrong, it's wrong.
But I hope that you and I can still be friends.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Why? Because I'm Portuguese? Because I'm a maid? Uh, no.
It's because, well you're kind of a whore.
- So, what's up for tomorrow? - Well, we should definitely get together.
I could swing by, maybe we'll catch a movie.
Great.
- I don't want to.
- Oh, thank God.
When you were married, we spent about three and a half hours alone together.
- And that was over 15 years.
- That seemed about the right amount.
So I'll see you around.
Maybe we can do something next spring.
- That would be great, Dad.
- What? - Bye.
- Bye.