The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e16 Episode Script

Okay, I'm getting the Burnt Brow Sugar, you get the Peach Caramel and we'll give each other bites.
No, I'm not doing that.
You take giant bites.
I can't help it.
I have a huge mandible.
I had six wisdom teeth.
That's ironic.
I know, right? - Hey.
- Hey! You know, there's a donut place with no lines right around the corner.
Why do we have to stand here for an hour? You'll understand when you taste it.
And by the way, you're getting mocha cream cheese and you're giving me a bite.
Not with that mandible.
Hey, no cuts.
Oh, it's okay.
We're saving their place.
Tough luck.
No save-sies.
Oh, come on.
They're friends of mine.
And if you let them in, you can be my friend, too.
No.
I'd really appreciate it.
Ah, sure.
Why not? - What the hell? - Don't' worry about it.
It happens all the time.
She's a really good flirter.
God, what's going on with me lately? I'm getting nothing.
I mean, no one's looking at me at stoplights, no one's hitting on me at the supermarket.
Got home from the bank the other day, and then I had an entire boob hanging out.
No one noticed.
My good one, too.
That one? No, that one.
It's so depressing.
It's like I've lost my mojo.
You know, I think they might have mojo replacement therapy for women you're age.
How long is this going to take? I have to pick up Joe at the airport in an hour.
Oh, your brother's coming to town? I love Joe.
Yeah, everyone does.
He's sweet and charming and gorgeous.
Like his brother.
Yeah, kind of like that.
I'd be mad, but you're right.
He really is awesome.
In high school, he dated three girls at the same time, and when they found out, they didn't care, because even a third of Joe was better than a whole of any another man.
I don't love that phrasing.
You're going to love him, but not too much, okay? Don't worry.
You're the only Campbell I love.
Except for Glen.
My mom always listened to him growing up.
Hey, is he still seeing that girl? I don't know.
Is he even alive? No, not Glen Campbell, your brother.
Oh, no, he said that didn't work out.
Man, that guy goes through women like I go through less-attractive women.
Hi, sorry about the wait.
Here's a little sample of our newest cupcake flavor, pineapple-vanilla custard.
Mm, why am I not always eating pineapple-vanilla custard? This is the best thing I have ever had in my mouth.
What's the big deal about a cup? Don't you think it's a little sweet? I mean, gah-ah-hah! Who's there? We, we don't have anything to steal! Try the neighbors.
They, they have a sticker that says they have a dog, but they don't have a dog.
It's Joe.
Joe? Oh, my God! - God, Joe! - Christine, how you doing? Oh, come on in! Wow! What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at Richard's? Yeah, I was.
I just couldn't sleep.
New Christine and Richard were in the other bedroom, and then the sex started.
Yeah.
There were sounds coming from that bedroom that you've never heard before.
Oh, believe me, I've heard them before.
I'm not sure it was Richard.
Oh, it was him.
- It was pretty high-pitched.
-- Yeah, I know, kind of like a donkey having an asthma attack? Then a series of yips? Followed by a slap? Oh, the slap.
You should have waited.
He was almost finished.
A couple more grunts and then a "Uh! There it is!" Then you would have been done.
Okay, Richard's completely ruined sex for me.
Same thing happened to me.
But don't worry.
No chance of sex noises in here.
I mean, if you hear a grunt, it's just me bending over to pick up a sandwich.
Come on.
You look fantastic.
I would pay good money to see you bend over to pick up a sandwich.
Hey, I'd do it.
Hey, I'd offer you the guesthouse, but, um, Matthew's in there, so - Still.
- Yeah.
I mean, actually, we have a deal: If he gets a job or I get remarried, then he has to go, so we're pretty much in it for the long haul.
- The couch is fine.
- Okay.
Hey, I'm sorry if I woke you up.
No, no, I was just gonna watch a movie in bed.
Oh, really? What movie? Oh, it's just a girlie thing.
You wouldn't like it.
Hey, I watched Akeelah And The Bee on the flight over.
I was sobbing so much, the flight attendant had to give me a set of wings to calm me down.
Come on.
What movie? - Um, Men Don't Leave.
- Is it good? Yeah, it's pretty good.
Jessica Lange plays this woman who's, um uh, whose husband dies and All right, I'm in.
Hey, you got, you got any wine? Oh, gee, I don't know, but, oh, my goodness, look what I just found.
Hee-hee! You can let it out if you want.
No, no, I can't.
I'm afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop.
This movie brings up a lot of stuff for me.
I know.
Even though I knew Akeelah was going to win that spelling bee, when it actually happened, I, uh I, uh Are you making fun of me? Yeah, I am, yeah.
Ow! Oh, God! Oh, sorry.
I'm not usually that messy.
Hey, so what's going on with you? Are you seeing anyone or Oh, no.
A few prospects, but nothing serious.
How about you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't introduce you.
Joe Campbell, meet Kendall Jackson.
Actually, I'm going through a bit of a dry spell myself.
I think I might have lost my mojo.
Well, I just sat in something wet.
Could that be it? I guess we fell asleep.
Yeah.
This is weird.
A little.
And now weirder.
Matthew, Matthew, something bad has happened! I slept with Joe.
Uncle Joe? No, no, not Uncle Joe.
Why would Mommy sleep with Uncle Joe? Mommy wouldn't do that.
But Mommy might hide five dollars in your room because you're the best little boy in the whole wide world.
Go get it! Wait.
Last time you said there was five dollars in my room and there wasn't.
And that's why I hid ten dollars in there this time.
Go on! Get in there! Go, go! Why didn't you tell me he was underneath the table? I didn't realize you were about to scar him for life.
- So you had sex with Joe? - No, I slept with Joe.
He came over last night and he's gonna sleep on the couch, but then I invited him to my room to watch Men Don't Leave.
Which one is that? Oh, it's that one where Jessica Lange is this woman whose, um - whose husband dies - Okay, get on with it.
Anyway, um, okay, we watched the movie and then we fell asleep and nothing happened, and then we woke up and he kissed me.
Well, congratulations.
You've now been with your cousin, new Christine's father and you ex-husband's brother.
You're almost ready to start dating outside the family.
Hey, he kissed me, okay? We woke up together, he looked at me and he found me irresistible.
Oh, my God, do you know what this means? Joe's gone blind, he lost a bet, you're the last woman on Earth? No! I got my mojo back, okay? A man desires me.
A handsome, vital, successful man desires me.
So you're really going to go for it with Richard's brother? No, no, I can't.
It's too close.
I mean, although, I have to say he is a fantastic kisser.
He does that thing where he holds your face when he's kissing you, you know.
I just love that Oh, seriously, I'm calling Mom! Oh, I'm going to have to tell him it's not going to work out.
Poor guy.
Sometimes a taste of honey is worse than none at all.
Yeah, sometimes.
Hey, he likes me.
He kissed me.
I'm back! Oh, I'm going to have to let him down easy.
God, that is nice.
What happened to my room? Oh, sorry, I tidied up a little bit.
I was going to do under the bed, but I thought I saw something blink.
Wow, it's beautiful.
Like a Holiday Inn.
Look, uh, Joe, we have to talk.
I think you're great.
Okay? And I'm sorry if I led you on by inviting you into my crumb-filled bed, - but - I'm gay.
No, it's because you're Richard's brother.
No, Christine.
I'm gay.
What? I've been struggling with it for a long time now.
And I wasn't sure until I kissed you.
Then I knew for sure.
I am gay.
Hey, hey Not nice.
Oh, no, I don't mean it like that.
Come on, please, you're perfect, see? That's how I knew.
If I wasn't going to feel it with you, then I wasn't going to feel it with anybody.
Then I kissed you.
- That was it.
I am gay.
- Okay, okay.
I get it.
You're gay.
Yep.
- Does Richard know? - No.
You're the first person I've told.
I'll get around to Richard, I'm just not really ready to talk about it with him yet.
Yeah, that's probably a pretty good idea.
He won't even eat a banana in public.
Oh, come on! We've gone around the block four times.
Look, the line's getting longer.
Frou Frou Cupcakes needs their own parking lot.
Or a drive-thru.
Oh, that would be great.
Then I could go bottomless.
Didn't you learn your lesson at the car wash? I didn't know you had to get out.
Look, if it's too much of a hassle, we can skip it.
It's just a cupcake.
Joe, this is not just a cupcake.
Obviously you've never had a Frou Frou in your mouth.
Oh, I didn't say anything.
All right, you know what, just let me out.
You guys keep looking for a parking space, I'll wait in line, but I get a bite of both of yours.
Now when she bites your cupcake, the important thing is to keep your fingers tucked in.
Oh, great.
You saved my place.
What is that flavor? What did you eat? Is that cherry cheesecake with a graham cracker topping? Stop smelling me.
Get off me.
Oh, excuse me.
Do you have any more samples of the cherry cheesecake? I'm sorry, we ran out.
You sure you don't have just one more? Maybe in the back? No.
Ma'am, could you please take your hand off my arm? Ooh, burn.
Man, you really have lost it.
You can't even flirt a sample from a sample guy.
Okay, yeah.
I get plenty of samples, okay? You have no idea how many samples I get.
I have not lost it.
Come on, Christine.
There's no shame in it.
So you're having a dry spell.
Happens to everyone.
- Not everyone.
Not me.
- Not me.
I guess it just happens to you.
A lot.
Then why'd your brother kiss me this morning? Oh, shoot.
You'd better be kidding.
I am.
Oh, good.
She's kidding.
She's not kidding.
You're not kidding.
You and my brother? What happened? What did you do to him? I didn't do anything.
He kissed me.
Were you fooling around when we were together? Was he that hang-up on our machine when we got back from our honeymoon? No.
Of course not.
Nothing is going on.
He's gay.
- Oh, shoot.
- What?! I shouldn't have said anything.
You're lying.
He kissed me, and then he told me he was gay.
Wow, that's worse than a dry spell.
Turning men gay.
That's like a superpower.
I didn't turn anyone gay.
This is my brother you're talking about.
He's been with more women than the three of us combined.
I told you that in confidence.
It was my year abroad.
It was Sweden.
They love Americans there.
Richard, you can't say anything to him.
- I don't believe you.
- Don't.
Let's just drop it.
Oh, look, the line's moving.
Save my place.
I'm going to go feed my meter.
Richard, don't you say anything! Oh, damn it.
He's going to say something.
Mmm.
What is that? That's like It's like Oreos.
Oh.
Sorry.
Yeah, it's Oreos.
Boy, your sister's not neat, is she? "Neat" isn't even one of the top ten things she isn't.
This is either a chicken tender or an ear.
Well, I've got honey mustard and a Q-tip in the cup holder, so either way we're covered.
I need to talk to you.
Matthew, get out.
I'm waiting for my cupcake.
They're coming.
Go put some money in my meter.
I'm up the street.
- I don't have any change.
- There's a quarter on the dashboard.
I'll figure something out.
This is bad.
It was no big deal.
It was my junior year.
In Stockholm the nights last, like, 16 hours.
There's nothing else to do.
No! I know Richard is going to tell Joe.
Why do I have to have such a big mouth? Why does Richard have to have such a big mouth? Why did I have to spend my semester abroad in Belgium? Gay? Are you kidding? Dude, it's me.
Dude, I know.
But why would she say that? All right, I wasn't going to tell you this, but we were hanging out last night, and she was telling me about how lonely she's been, and I felt bad for her.
And then this morning she kissed me.
I didn't know what to say.
So, I told her I was gay.
It was the only way to get out of it without hurting her feelings.
Oh, my God.
That makes total sense.
I mean, not that I would've cared if you were gay, because I don't care.
Last week I had some pinot gris.
It was nice.
- Ha! - What? He's not gay.
- Richard, you told him? - Of course I told him.
He's my brother.
My straight brother.
He denied it? I can't go into the details.
He asked me not to say.
But if you ask me questions, I could probably answer them.
Okay What'd he say? He said he told you he was gay because you were into him and he wasn't into you, and he didn't know how to get out of it.
Boy, you asked the right question.
He kissed me.
I can't believe he's lying about it.
Okay, I'll be right back.
- Don't say anything to Joe.
- I won't.
- Then where are you going? - Something about Ritchie.
Where's Joe? Dumping the trash.
He cleaned out the back seat.
Oh, by the way, that smell we thought smelled like a dead squirrel? Bingo.
Hey, Matthew, do you think Joe is gay? I thought he kissed you.
And then he told me he was gay.
Which is fine.
But then he told Richard he only said that to get away from me.
What do you care? You said you didn't want to be with him anyway.
If he's lying just to get away from me, then it means I've really lost it.
But if he's gay, then it's not me.
Well, he's probably gay.
Aw thank you, Matthew.
You are so sweet to me.
Oh, here he comes.
Get the hell out.
Get out.
Out.
- Joe! - Christine.
I'm glad you're here.
Listen, can you keep a secret? Oh, that's right.
No.
Okay.
I'm sorry, all right.
I shouldn't have told Richard.
- But did you lie to me? - No, I lied to Richard.
- You did? - Yes.
Wait.
Are you lying now? No, I'm telling you the truth.
I've always told you the truth.
I just didn't think Richard was ready to hear the truth.
Well, what is the truth? I'm gay.
Prove it.
Yeah, I think that's only going to make you mad.
I knew you couldn't keep your mouth shut.
Yeah, well, the only reason I couldn't keep my mouth shut is because you didn't keep your mouth shut in the first place.
Look, Joe, it is time for you to tell Richard the truth, okay? It will be good for you and it'll make me look a lot better.
Okay.
Richard, it seems to be really important to Christine that I tell you that I'm gay.
Really? You're gay? Okay, well, if you say so.
Then I guess you're gay.
No! No, no, no.
Wait.
No, he is gay.
You told me.
Tell him.
I love the guys.
I can't get enough.
I'm Homo Joe.
Yeah, you're awesome.
No, stop it.
Stop telling it like that.
You are Homo Joe.
Tell him! Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Richard, I'm gay.
Well If we're all coming clean here, Christine, I have something to tell you, too.
After we got married, I realized I'm gay, too.
No.
Damn it! I have to get back in line.
Dude, you're awesome.
What are you doing to me here? What are you doing to me? You just made me look like a complete idiot in front of Richard.
Christine, did you ever think maybe my coming out to my family is not about you? What? No.
Look, I am not ready to tell Richard.
But now everybody's gonna think that I really did lose my mojo.
Look, I'm sorry if this hurts your reputation, but you're just going to have to take the hit on this one.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll do it for you.
Thank you.
And, listen, if I wasn't so gay, I could really see myself falling in love with you, marrying you, cheating on you with guys.