The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e19 Episode Script

What do you think? Is it serious? Well, I've only been in medical school two weeks, so technically I'm not really a doctor.
I can't actually find my classes.
Do you see a Building Right there.
Oh, great! You should be a doctor.
Hey, Matthew, I have to cancel my 11:15 appointment with you.
It turns out that suspicious mole was a chocolate chip.
Less than 24 hours' notice-- I'm afraid I'm still gonna have to bill you.
Damn doctors.
Richard, what are you doing here? It's almost 8:00.
Ritchie's gonna be late for school! Oh, shoot, come on, Ritchie, we got to get you to school, little man.
Wait, I have to get my tape recorder.
- Okay.
- What? Why does he need a tape recorder? Well, the last few weeks he's been asking a lot of questions about sex.
Why men and women sleep together, what their dirty parts do-- so I told him I'd give him the sex talk on the way to school, and he wants to record it.
I wouldn't mind getting a copy of that tape when you're done.
Wait, you're having a sex talk with him? I thought I was supposed to have the sex talk with him.
No.
You got to have the body hair talk.
No, I had to have the body hair talk because he accidentally saw me coming out of the shower.
And it was the middle of winter.
Uh, I'm afraid I can no longer be your doctor or your brother.
Look, Christine, I'm his dad.
A boy should hear about sex from his dad.
I did.
And I never heard you complain.
Quite the opposite.
I have got to find my medical school.
Look, I'm just saying that there is a huge difference between knowing how to do it and knowing how to explain it.
All right? I mean, I must have told you, like, a thousand times how my menstrual cycle works.
You still could never understand.
That is not true.
Okay, yeah, explain it to me then.
Well every 30 days, give or take, a woman's body produces about a hundred eggs, more or less.
No, I'd say that's way less.
Like what, 50? Well, no, let's go with a dozen.
Right.
'Cause they're eggs.
So if a man's sperm makes its way upriver and one gets through, then you get a baby.
If not, the woman gets her period.
And the period can last for quite a long time.
In some cases, the entire length of a marriage.
Okay.
I'm giving him the talk.
Hey, sweetheart, here's your bookbag, okay? Now, don't forget, I'm picking you up at 2:00 outside school.
- Okay.
- Okay, love, you have a great day.
- Love ya.
- Bye, Mom.
Bye, darling.
Yeah.
Let me tell you, I have plenty of sexual complaints.
He used to work it like he was scratching a lottery ticket.
And let me tell you, there were no instant winners there.
Hi.
Sorry.
You forgot Ritchie's lunch! - Oh, they're having a fight.
- Oh, divorce is so ugly.
Divorce? Look at her blouse.
- Look at her hair.
- Look at the back of her hair.
Hey! I'm standing right here! Look at her shoes.
Hey! I'm just trying to bring my son his lunch.
Will you make sure that he gets it? Yeah, sure.
I got to run, but I'll call you later and we'll set up a time I can come by the house.
Great.
Oh, and if my husband answers, just hang up.
I like doing that to him.
Or if he answers, I'll just use a foreign accent.
I'm looking for Lindsay.
Do not make me wait.
That is funny.
What-what, uh, what are you going up to her house for? Well, Lindsay has some work she needs done.
She asked if I'd be interested.
Yeah, I'm redoing my master bath.
Because I just redid my master bath.
That's not why.
I don't do everything you do.
I didn't get my eyes done.
I didn't get my eyes done.
Really? Wink.
I could wink.
Richard, you're renovating her bathroom? Yeah.
I'm a contractor; that's what I do.
No, I know, but I mean, shouldn't you interview more people before hiring some clod off the street? Hey, what are you doing? No, no, I mean, not you, but Oh! I just winked.
So, ha.
And now I can't stop winking.
Yeah, you're not winking.
Am I winking now? No.
Nothing's moving.
- Oh, no.
- Okay, I'll drive you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
This way.
Hey why are you sabotaging my work? Why are you taking a job from a parent at our kid's school? They already hate us here.
She'll just be waiting for an opportunity for you to screw up.
They'll ostracize us even more.
I mean, seriously, Richard, if something happens, it doesn't just affect you, it affects Ritchie, too! Why would something happen? I'm a good contractor.
No, I know you're a good contractor, but if something were to happen Nothing's gonna happen.
Look, Christine, I may forget things sometimes, and I may not know how the egg gets to the uterus and brings on the flow but I know my job.
Okay, you're right.
Just please, be extra careful, okay? And for the record, you don't get your period just because your egg is in the uterus, all right? A lot of other stuff happens.
A lot.
You don't know, either, do you? I have a pretty good idea.
Hello? Everybody decent? Hey, Christine.
What are you guys doing here? Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
We were just doing errands.
We thought we'd drop by.
We brought you your favorite smoothie: raspberry-matazz with extra rose hips.
That's right.
I like rose hips.
I'm your boss.
Stop looking at me.
Wow, you've done all of this in a week? So this is pretty much on schedule, then? Yeah, we're making good progress.
Now not so much.
Look at these.
Are these the blueprints or something? They look so complicated.
Wow! How do you figure out all of these numbers and these arrows and everything? Can you figure this out? Christine, what are you doing here? Because I'm getting the feeling you only came by to check up on me.
Matthew, please! Okay, I am checking up on you, but only because it's Lindsay.
She's awful.
You don't know her like I do.
I mean, she went after my hair, and I have great hair.
This isn't about Lindsay; this is about me.
You think I'm gonna screw the job up.
Well, I'm not.
Well, I just don't want another dome house on our hands.
Are you bringing up the dome house? I really can't believe you're bringing up the dome house.
Those were my parents' friends, and you completely messed it up.
It was my first job; it was 15 years ago! They hired you to build a dome house, but it wasn't a dome.
It was like something out of a Dr.
Seuss book.
I kept waiting for the Lorax to jump out.
"Come on in to my home.
It's not a house.
It's not a dome!" There were some problems with the plans.
I fixed it as best I could.
Besides, they were crazy.
They wanted to live in a dome.
You know who lives in a dome? Eskimos and nobody.
It cost us every penny that we saved to fix that thing.
And you didn't get work for six months after that.
And my parents never got to go to Lake Shasta with the Hallorans again.
They love that houseboat.
Do you have any idea how much my dad loves peeing off the side of things?! I'm not having this conversation again.
Look, Christine, I appreciate the total lack of faith, but believe it or not, I know a little bit more about this than you do.
And right now I have to run to Home Depot, and you need to leave.
What's Home Depot? What? Home Depot.
Home Depot.
Home Depot.
Is he messing with me? No, he doesn't know what it is.
It's the biggest home improvement store in the world.
It's the greatest place on earth.
Can I go? Don't you have a class or something? No, I can't find it.
Yeah, sure, you can come along.
Will I need these? Your parents should win a prize.
Yeah, come on.
Okay, you know what? Go ahead without me.
I got to use the bathroom.
Okay, but hurry up.
And I wish I didn't feel the need to explain this to you, but the toilet on the front lawn is not connected.
You don't need to tell me that.
And thanks for telling me that.
Yeah, let's go with the standing wash basin, and I'll take it in a walnut if you got it.
I think we do.
Let me go check.
Thanks, Jesse.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Just want to look at some shower systems.
Then we're good.
What's that? Oh, that's an African violet.
They have a whole lawn and garden section back there.
There's a sprinkler installation clinic in half an hour.
Now, that is a practical clinic.
Not like med school, where it's all about finding your classes.
What's the matter with you? A flower? You're at Home Depot, and you buy a flower? Why are you yelling at me? You're missing the whole point of this place.
Look around.
There are amazing things here.
Fine, I'll browse over there.
No.
You don't browse.
You grab, you buy, you build.
Okay! It's my first time.
Here, is this good? A lightbulb-changing kit? Well, it's not a flower.
Hey, I can use this to get the jasmine to climb up my trellis.
Go ahead.
Say "jasmine" or "trellis" again.
I don't want to.
I can't believe Christine came to my job.
How would she like it if I went to her gym and just hung out in the women's locker room? No, she would not like it.
I can tell you that from experience.
She's so critical with me: what I wear, how I drive, what I can and can't say to Ritchie.
She even picks on the way I walk.
Well, you do walk a little funny.
One leg's shorter than the other.
I can't help it.
I didn't know that.
That's okay.
I deal with it.
Oh, please, allow me.
Thank you so much.
It's looking pretty good now, isn't it? No.
Go to the right a little.
To the right.
Yeah, there! Yeah! You got it! That thing's been on the roof since New Year's.
That was a wild party! And the last one we invited Mom to.
Hey, look.
It's my mom's bra.
Give me a buck, I'll let you touch it.
You owe me a dollar.
What's wrong with you? - Lindsay fired me.
- What happened? - She did? - Yeah.
About an hour ago.
Oh, Richard! This is terrible! What did you do? I married you 15 years ago.
What does that mean? Think back, Christine.
Earlier today, when you stopped by.
I left with Matthew, and you stayed behind.
I did not use the toilet on that lawn! No.
Not that.
Lindsay has nanny cams all over the house, and they record everything.
She She what? You guys, tell me the truth.
Does my butt look big in that movie? What a time-saver.
This time, it wasn't me.
It was you.
- This is your fault.
- Well, yes.
I can see how you might think that this is my fault.
Who else's fault could it be? Well, I'm not one to point fingers, but Keep going.
That's right.
You.
This was your fault.
You went through her stuff.
You stole her coat.
You took her pills.
I did not take her pills! You ate her chips.
I ate her chips.
Yes.
But I'm going to fix this.
I'm going to talk to Lindsay, okay? And she's going to have to listen to me, too, because I got stuff on her! Half of those pills weren't even prescribed to her, and that is against the law! You mean like breaking and entering? Well, I'm not a lawyer, but You're not going to talk to anybody, okay? I'll fix it.
And, from now on, you're going to let me live my life and make whatever mistakes I'm going to make.
Oh, boy.
Maybe you should figure out your own life before you go messing around in mine! My life? My life is fine.
Oh, boy.
If this thing fits me, I'm going to kill myself.
Ooh! What about this? You think Richard would like this? Why are you buying him a present? Because you got him fired or because you have no faith in him? I do have faith in him.
I just, you know, I think he's kind of a dope.
He can't do anything right.
Have you see the way he walks? - Come here.
- What? Do you remember that first house [.]
that kitchen? Oh, yeah! I hated it.
It was so small.
Always smelled like grilled cheese.
Because you were always making grilled cheese sandwiches.
Yeah.
I know.
That part I liked.
I'm just saying.
Remember how the faucets leaked, and the refrigerator made that sound, and the oven didn't have temperatures? It was either just on or off? Yeah, and the floors were all uneven.
I used to fall off the table when Richard and I had sex in there.
I'm just going to keep going with my thing.
Because, you know, guess what? It's 15 years later, and that kitchen has been remodeled.
When did you see that kitchen? No, the kitchen is Richard, and he's been remodeled.
Now he's got custom cherry cabinetry, the double wall oven, a wine cooler.
He does? My house is a dump.
What I'm saying is, once upon a time, Richard was a screwup, and he needed you to set him straight, but now he's changed; he's a different guy, and you got to stop treating him like the old kitchen.
I know.
You're right.
I do think of him like that.
I don't even notice his cherry cabinetry, but he has changed.
We've all changed.
How have you changed? I haven't changed.
Oh, good.
You're here.
I got something for you.
It's from Home Depot.
It's a Raindance showerhead.
Apparently, it's like taking a shower underneath a waterfall.
It's my gift to you.
Oop! Look.
I left the price tag on it.
Why are you giving this to me? Because I feel so terrible about getting you fired and treating you the way I did and Matthew made me realize you're not the same kitchen you used to be.
- You just said "kitchen.
" - I know.
- Did you mean to say Richard? - No, no.
It's a metaphor.
Why would I say you're not the same Richard you used to be? Oh, wait.
That works, too.
What are you doing? I just want to apologize for not realizing that you've changed.
And I would really like it if you would forgive me.
I already did.
No.
I mean, for real.
Come on.
Forgive me.
I feel bad.
I know.
And I forgive you.
Richard, why aren't you letting this go? I have.
It's gone.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
Okay.
So you're going to say you forgive me, and then you're going to hang onto this until, like, ten years from now, you're going to throw it back in my face.
Why would I do that? 'Cause everybody does that.
I don't.
You do that.
Your mother does that.
Are you wearing her perfume? No.
I'm wearing her bra.
Christine, isn't it hard to hang onto every wrong that's ever been done to you? It's exhausting.
Then don't.
Everyone makes mistakes, and life is too short to hang onto all of them.
Yeah.
I do hang onto everything, and it's awful.
You're right.
I'm going to try and do it your way.
From now on, I'm going to let go of all my resentments.
I am.
Yeah.
That is my gift to you.
So, I'm Guess I'm just going to go ahead and keep the showerhead for myself.
You're letting it all go? I am.
- Even the dome house? - Even the dome house.
Even though we lost all our money? Don't care.
- That's very big of you.
- Yeah.
Especially considering we had to borrow money from your parents and spend every Thanksgiving with them until we paid it off.
Remember that? Yeah.
Two Thanksgivings left, and then we are done.
- And you're not mad at me anymore? - Nope.
I've let it all go.
Gone.
I've let it all go.
What's happening? No, I just I just feel a little bit light-headed.
It's a lot to let go of for me in one day.
Do you want to hold on to the dome house, sweetie? Could I? - Yeah.
Sure.
- Okay.
But then I'm letting everything else go.
And that is my gift to you.
Thank you.
Hey, remember when I cashed in our IRA and bought that drive-in? And when I lost my wedding ring at my high school reunion because I didn't want Brenda Douglas to know I was married? Okay.
I'm going to have to go let it go in my room.
Remember when I found that cheap obstetrician in the mall? That was a bad day, huh?