The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e05 Episode Script
Everyone Says I Love You Except Ritchie
Okay,honey,have a good day.
I love you.
Okay.
And I,uh I'll see you after school.
I love you.
Thanks.
- I said,"I love you.
" - I know.
Oh,wait,wait.
You forgot your lunch.
And I love you! - Mom,I got to go.
- Oh,right,yeah.
Oh,dear,another man running away from Christine.
So Ritchie won't say "I love you," huh? What Oh,no,no,no.
He says,"I love you," all the time.
In fact, he won't stop saying it.
I'm like,"Honey,I know you love me,okay? Get a life.
" That is so sad it's not even funny.
Oh,wait yeah, it's a little funny.
No,it's just a phase,you know? I mean,it's like thumb sucking.
And once he gets over that, he'll get over this.
I don't know what happened.
You know,I mean,a week ago, he was my lovey,huggy little boy, and now he won't say, "I love you," and he runs away when I try to kiss him.
And I I just don't know what to do.
Yeah,you might want to think about Botox.
Look,Christine,our girls stopped saying it last year, and it was devastating.
Yeah,we kept it going for a little while with cash gifts and ponies.
Then I got the wrong pony, and it went straight to "I hate you.
" That's why we're so excited for our new babies.
We'll have years and years of "I love yous" ahead.
And really,is there anything better than the feel of a newborn baby in your arms? Oh,wow,it's almost maternal.
Christine, maybe we don't trudge around town in what are those? - Sweat pants.
- Sweat pants.
But that doesn't mean that we don't take parenting seriously.
Yeah,we do.
I am going to make sure that this baby's nanny is something special.
I might even splurge on an American.
That's right.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ of Old Christine Season04 Episode05 Hey,Mom.
Oh,hey, honey.
How was school? It was good.
Oh,I'm so happy you're home.
I love you,honey.
I'm going to go do my homework.
Hey,who wants a pony? Come on,baby,just give it to me one time.
That reminds me of our wedding night.
Richard,I am not in the mood.
Reminds me of our marriage.
Nice zinger,honey.
What's your problem? Oh,my baby's growing up.
I need a new baby.
Richard,I need you to impregnate me.
No.
"No" is the word you're looking for.
Ritchie won't say,"I love you" anymore.
And I need a new baby who will.
Come on,impregnate me.
No.
No.
I was going to say no.
Why not? What could possibly be your problem with it? I mean,I just need two minutes of your fiancé's time.
That's right.
That's not a compliment.
Christine,I really don't think this is anything to worry about.
In my family we never say,"I love you.
" We always just say, "Stay safe.
" But we all know it means, "I love you.
" Well,what do you say if you want someone to stay safe? I think we still say, "Stay safe.
" Yeah,that's stupid.
You're just mad because I won't let Richard impregnate you.
I don't need you.
I've got plenty of guys who would love to impregnate me.
Name one.
Charles Kuralt.
You mean the dead guy who had the travel show? No,a different one.
You know,when you're this senile, there's no eggs left in there to make a baby.
Come on,let's try.
Are you kidding me? No! The answer is no.
Man,this is not going to be a good ride home for you.
Matthew,Ritchie won't say, "I love you" anymore.
And you won't knock.
No matter how nicely I ask you.
I can yell,I can demand, I can put a note on the door, I even cried once.
Come on,I told you I didn't see anything.
Well,then why did you laugh? Because I saw something.
Wait,that's not what I came in here for.
Ritchie won't say, "I love you.
" Yeah,I know,it's hard, but you can't try to hang on.
I mean,that's what Mom did with me, and now I can't not say, "I love you.
" What? You know,if somebody says,"I love you," I have to say it back.
And it's awful.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
That's weird.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
Yeah,nothing wrong with this.
- I love this.
- I love this,too.
Stop it.
It's not normal.
Mom and I were too close.
She used to pick me up from school, take me out on these special outings.
You know what she called them? "Date nights.
" Wait,where was I? Well,Mom signed you up for that after school program.
There was no after school program.
It was me showing my bra strap to the driver's ed teacher for a ride home.
I guess we both had date nights.
This is not what I came in to talk about.
What am I going to do about Ritchie? You have to let him go.
No,I can't.
Ritchie's all I've got.
I was basically abandoned by our mother.
That's why I think I have that thing that orphans get-- you know,when nobody touches them? Attachment disorder? Yeah,yeah,I have that.
No,no,you don't.
You had plenty of people touching you.
Yeah,but you know,I've never been loved,you know.
And that really explains everything.
Why I'm all over Ritchie all the time-- trying to kiss him,trying to get him to say,"I love you," sleeping in his bed Wait you sleep in his bed? Yeah,well,I mean, it's no big deal.
It started after the divorce.
He'd wake up in the middle of the night.
I'd go in to soothe him.
And it's five years later, it's still no big deal.
Just saying,"no big deal," doesn't make it not a big deal.
It's a big,disturbing deal.
It helps him,Matthew.
Him? I have attachment disorder.
Okay,look,I know this is hard for you, but we both knew this day was coming.
and,you know,the fact that he's able to separate from you, proves what a great job you did raising him.
That's not what I was trying to do.
Okay,look,I'm going to tell you something I never told anyone before.
Uh,because Mom never let me break free, I can't go to sleep unless I've talked to her on the phone.
It's uh it's this kind of ritual.
She judges and criticizes everything I do, and then she tells me that no one will ever love me the way that she does, and I drift happily off to sleep.
And unless we do something to stop it, the cycle will continue.
All right,well,I'm going to crawl into bed with Ritchie and sleep on it.
Yeah,I'll give Mom a call-- see if she has any ideas.
We are sick.
I have to let Ritchie separate.
I have to stop calling Mom.
Okay,we can do this,Matthew.
We'll help each other stop,okay? Cold turkey.
Starting tonight,I won't sleep in Ritchie's bed, you won't call Mom.
You think we can do it? I do not.
Great dinner,honey.
And how about me? Just cleaning up right after.
You didn't even have to ask.
That's right,you cook, I clean.
That's what makes us such a great team.
I like your new nightgown.
Makes your boobs look pretty.
No sweet talk,Richard.
How could you not say no to Old Christine? - I did.
- No,I did.
Who cares if you did or I did? Team Richard did, and that's the important thing.
I just can't get over that pause.
Like you were actually thinking about impregnating her.
No,that's not what I was thinking about.
Honestly,I was thinking, "what does impregnate mean again?" I know you're not that dumb.
I am.
Really.
You know I would never do it.
Really? Christine,as long as we're together, I would never,ever, ever have a baby with Christine.
As long as we're together? So if I wasn't around,you'd be running all over the place having babies with her? Wait till you see that kitchen.
Okay Ritchie is in bed alone.
I didn't pick up the phone.
I didn't spoon Ritchie.
So we're even.
Okay,look,Matthew, we can do this,all right? This isn't just about Ritchie and Mom.
This is about breaking these destructive patterns in our lives.
And,you know what, once we do this, I bet we could accomplish anything,you know? I bet I could walk a mile.
Well,I bet you couldn't.
Well,you'd win that bet.
But I'm just saying, I'm proud of us.
You know? - We did it.
- Yeah.
How long has it been now? Uh,15 minutes.
Oh,I'm proud of us,yes.
Just one last night.
What are you doing? I just came in to check on Ritchie.
To see if he needed water.
He gets dehydrated.
Why are you lying down? Because I'm tired,Matthew.
I'm walking a mile tomorrow.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
Not you,wack job.
Well,we still got a long night ahead of us.
We need to come up with a plan.
You come up with a plan I'm gonna run upstairs and cuddle with Ritchie.
This button is the speed dial to Mom.
I swear to God, you take one more step towards his room, I will press it.
Okay,put down the phone,man,okay? Put it down,all right? Take it easy! I'm sitting down on the couch,all right? Easy! Easy! Okay,look,I did two semesters on addiction, and they say in order to replace old destructive behavior, you have to replace it with new behavior.
should we have some wine? I said "new.
" New bottle of wine? - Newer.
- Daiquiris! No,no,just something that,something we never do.
Well,I don't know what that would be.
We could clean.
Clean? What kind of people clean? Clean people.
The books say it's all about taking control of your life,starting fresh.
Cleaning would be perfect.
It's therapeutic.
No,I'll tell you what's therapeutic.
Daiquiris are therapeutic.
And when I'm done, you can clean the blender.
So if I didn't exist, you would have a baby with Old Christine? But youdoexist.
I know that because if you didn't, I would be asleep by now.
But what if I didn't? Look,Christine, there is no scenario where I would have another baby with Christine,okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
What if you and Christine were the last two people on Earth and the entire human race was depending on you to repopulate it? Well,I'd have to.
The fate of mankind rests on my shoulders.
I'd be like a god.
Well,that's just great, Richard.
Have fun.
I'm not gonna have fun, because it's not happening.
First of all,if everybody on Earth starts getting killed, I'm pretty sure Christine would be in the first wave.
What if you were in a room with me and Christine and there was only enough oxygen for two people? Who would you kill? Myself? Look at this place! - It's clean! - Clean? It's immaculate.
Hey,what happened to the furry rug that was here? Oh,we never had a rug.
Eesh! All right,well, take a load off,chief.
Well,okay, but only 'cause I love being called "chief.
" Well,I'm feeling pretty good.
Yeah,me,too.
I haven't thought about Mom in hours.
I really think I'm gonna make it.
It's Mom.
- No,no,Matt,Matthew! - Give,give! Oh,no biting! That's always been a rule! - Hello.
- Mama? Oh,hi,Mom.
How are you? No.
It's Christine.
Your,your daughter.
Oh,no,no,Matthew's not here right now.
But Mom,I'm free to talk.
I've got all night.
Oh,yeah,I'm pretty busy,too.
Okay,well,bye, Mom.
I love you.
I love you,too! If you were on a desert island with me and Christine and there was no food, who would you eat first? Christine, we have to stop this.
I can't.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Maybe it would make you feel better if you could pick someone.
If I didn't exist, who wouldyourepopulate the Earth with.
Matthew.
You didn't pause at all,did you? You had that gun loaded and ready.
But it's all hypothetical.
It doesn't even matter.
You feel better? Yes.
Me,too.
Okay,why Matthew? He's sexy.
I'msexy.
He has a nice flat tummy.
Please.
Feel this.
Okay,no,don't.
And a great head of hair.
This conversation is over.
And I want you to know I would go sleep on the couch, but that couch hurts my back.
So I'm staying here,but it's just like I'm on the couch.
Mom didn't even want to talk to me.
I know.
She's awful.
God,I love her so much.
What did she say? She said she didn't want to talk to me.
So nothing about me,then? Well,I don't need her.
I've got Ritchie.
No,Christine,no! Matthew,you step aside.
You do not want to get between a desperate mother and her only son! You were doing so great.
Do not blow it.
I mean,look around.
Look at your beautiful,clean house.
Oh,screw this house! Who cares if the house is clean if there's no love in it? This is a loveless house! This is a house that no love built, and it should be covered in trash and clothes so that everybody can see what a horrible and dirty and dead place this is! You feel better? I hit myself in the eye with a button.
Okay,look,it's almost 2:00 A.
M.
The night's already half over.
Why,why is this so easy for you? Easy? The only thing holding me together is the idea that maybe Mom will have a mini stroke and I can move back in with her and wash her back.
- Freak.
- I know.
Oh,what are we gonna do? Are we never gonna sleep again? Well,we made it through the night.
That's the important thing.
Yeah.
I went from sleeping in the same bed with my son to sleeping in the same bed with my brother.
It's therapeutic.
It's secret.
It's so,so secret.
I'm sorry about last night.
I get a little crazy when I think about you with other women, but it's just because I love you so much.
I love that it makes you crazy.
And I love your hair.
I love you so much.
I love you,too.
Okay,Mama,I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
Okay,sweetie, have a good day.
I love you.
Stay safe.
Oh,son of a bitch.
I love you.
Okay.
And I,uh I'll see you after school.
I love you.
Thanks.
- I said,"I love you.
" - I know.
Oh,wait,wait.
You forgot your lunch.
And I love you! - Mom,I got to go.
- Oh,right,yeah.
Oh,dear,another man running away from Christine.
So Ritchie won't say "I love you," huh? What Oh,no,no,no.
He says,"I love you," all the time.
In fact, he won't stop saying it.
I'm like,"Honey,I know you love me,okay? Get a life.
" That is so sad it's not even funny.
Oh,wait yeah, it's a little funny.
No,it's just a phase,you know? I mean,it's like thumb sucking.
And once he gets over that, he'll get over this.
I don't know what happened.
You know,I mean,a week ago, he was my lovey,huggy little boy, and now he won't say, "I love you," and he runs away when I try to kiss him.
And I I just don't know what to do.
Yeah,you might want to think about Botox.
Look,Christine,our girls stopped saying it last year, and it was devastating.
Yeah,we kept it going for a little while with cash gifts and ponies.
Then I got the wrong pony, and it went straight to "I hate you.
" That's why we're so excited for our new babies.
We'll have years and years of "I love yous" ahead.
And really,is there anything better than the feel of a newborn baby in your arms? Oh,wow,it's almost maternal.
Christine, maybe we don't trudge around town in what are those? - Sweat pants.
- Sweat pants.
But that doesn't mean that we don't take parenting seriously.
Yeah,we do.
I am going to make sure that this baby's nanny is something special.
I might even splurge on an American.
That's right.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ of Old Christine Season04 Episode05 Hey,Mom.
Oh,hey, honey.
How was school? It was good.
Oh,I'm so happy you're home.
I love you,honey.
I'm going to go do my homework.
Hey,who wants a pony? Come on,baby,just give it to me one time.
That reminds me of our wedding night.
Richard,I am not in the mood.
Reminds me of our marriage.
Nice zinger,honey.
What's your problem? Oh,my baby's growing up.
I need a new baby.
Richard,I need you to impregnate me.
No.
"No" is the word you're looking for.
Ritchie won't say,"I love you" anymore.
And I need a new baby who will.
Come on,impregnate me.
No.
No.
I was going to say no.
Why not? What could possibly be your problem with it? I mean,I just need two minutes of your fiancé's time.
That's right.
That's not a compliment.
Christine,I really don't think this is anything to worry about.
In my family we never say,"I love you.
" We always just say, "Stay safe.
" But we all know it means, "I love you.
" Well,what do you say if you want someone to stay safe? I think we still say, "Stay safe.
" Yeah,that's stupid.
You're just mad because I won't let Richard impregnate you.
I don't need you.
I've got plenty of guys who would love to impregnate me.
Name one.
Charles Kuralt.
You mean the dead guy who had the travel show? No,a different one.
You know,when you're this senile, there's no eggs left in there to make a baby.
Come on,let's try.
Are you kidding me? No! The answer is no.
Man,this is not going to be a good ride home for you.
Matthew,Ritchie won't say, "I love you" anymore.
And you won't knock.
No matter how nicely I ask you.
I can yell,I can demand, I can put a note on the door, I even cried once.
Come on,I told you I didn't see anything.
Well,then why did you laugh? Because I saw something.
Wait,that's not what I came in here for.
Ritchie won't say, "I love you.
" Yeah,I know,it's hard, but you can't try to hang on.
I mean,that's what Mom did with me, and now I can't not say, "I love you.
" What? You know,if somebody says,"I love you," I have to say it back.
And it's awful.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
That's weird.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
Yeah,nothing wrong with this.
- I love this.
- I love this,too.
Stop it.
It's not normal.
Mom and I were too close.
She used to pick me up from school, take me out on these special outings.
You know what she called them? "Date nights.
" Wait,where was I? Well,Mom signed you up for that after school program.
There was no after school program.
It was me showing my bra strap to the driver's ed teacher for a ride home.
I guess we both had date nights.
This is not what I came in to talk about.
What am I going to do about Ritchie? You have to let him go.
No,I can't.
Ritchie's all I've got.
I was basically abandoned by our mother.
That's why I think I have that thing that orphans get-- you know,when nobody touches them? Attachment disorder? Yeah,yeah,I have that.
No,no,you don't.
You had plenty of people touching you.
Yeah,but you know,I've never been loved,you know.
And that really explains everything.
Why I'm all over Ritchie all the time-- trying to kiss him,trying to get him to say,"I love you," sleeping in his bed Wait you sleep in his bed? Yeah,well,I mean, it's no big deal.
It started after the divorce.
He'd wake up in the middle of the night.
I'd go in to soothe him.
And it's five years later, it's still no big deal.
Just saying,"no big deal," doesn't make it not a big deal.
It's a big,disturbing deal.
It helps him,Matthew.
Him? I have attachment disorder.
Okay,look,I know this is hard for you, but we both knew this day was coming.
and,you know,the fact that he's able to separate from you, proves what a great job you did raising him.
That's not what I was trying to do.
Okay,look,I'm going to tell you something I never told anyone before.
Uh,because Mom never let me break free, I can't go to sleep unless I've talked to her on the phone.
It's uh it's this kind of ritual.
She judges and criticizes everything I do, and then she tells me that no one will ever love me the way that she does, and I drift happily off to sleep.
And unless we do something to stop it, the cycle will continue.
All right,well,I'm going to crawl into bed with Ritchie and sleep on it.
Yeah,I'll give Mom a call-- see if she has any ideas.
We are sick.
I have to let Ritchie separate.
I have to stop calling Mom.
Okay,we can do this,Matthew.
We'll help each other stop,okay? Cold turkey.
Starting tonight,I won't sleep in Ritchie's bed, you won't call Mom.
You think we can do it? I do not.
Great dinner,honey.
And how about me? Just cleaning up right after.
You didn't even have to ask.
That's right,you cook, I clean.
That's what makes us such a great team.
I like your new nightgown.
Makes your boobs look pretty.
No sweet talk,Richard.
How could you not say no to Old Christine? - I did.
- No,I did.
Who cares if you did or I did? Team Richard did, and that's the important thing.
I just can't get over that pause.
Like you were actually thinking about impregnating her.
No,that's not what I was thinking about.
Honestly,I was thinking, "what does impregnate mean again?" I know you're not that dumb.
I am.
Really.
You know I would never do it.
Really? Christine,as long as we're together, I would never,ever, ever have a baby with Christine.
As long as we're together? So if I wasn't around,you'd be running all over the place having babies with her? Wait till you see that kitchen.
Okay Ritchie is in bed alone.
I didn't pick up the phone.
I didn't spoon Ritchie.
So we're even.
Okay,look,Matthew, we can do this,all right? This isn't just about Ritchie and Mom.
This is about breaking these destructive patterns in our lives.
And,you know what, once we do this, I bet we could accomplish anything,you know? I bet I could walk a mile.
Well,I bet you couldn't.
Well,you'd win that bet.
But I'm just saying, I'm proud of us.
You know? - We did it.
- Yeah.
How long has it been now? Uh,15 minutes.
Oh,I'm proud of us,yes.
Just one last night.
What are you doing? I just came in to check on Ritchie.
To see if he needed water.
He gets dehydrated.
Why are you lying down? Because I'm tired,Matthew.
I'm walking a mile tomorrow.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
Not you,wack job.
Well,we still got a long night ahead of us.
We need to come up with a plan.
You come up with a plan I'm gonna run upstairs and cuddle with Ritchie.
This button is the speed dial to Mom.
I swear to God, you take one more step towards his room, I will press it.
Okay,put down the phone,man,okay? Put it down,all right? Take it easy! I'm sitting down on the couch,all right? Easy! Easy! Okay,look,I did two semesters on addiction, and they say in order to replace old destructive behavior, you have to replace it with new behavior.
should we have some wine? I said "new.
" New bottle of wine? - Newer.
- Daiquiris! No,no,just something that,something we never do.
Well,I don't know what that would be.
We could clean.
Clean? What kind of people clean? Clean people.
The books say it's all about taking control of your life,starting fresh.
Cleaning would be perfect.
It's therapeutic.
No,I'll tell you what's therapeutic.
Daiquiris are therapeutic.
And when I'm done, you can clean the blender.
So if I didn't exist, you would have a baby with Old Christine? But youdoexist.
I know that because if you didn't, I would be asleep by now.
But what if I didn't? Look,Christine, there is no scenario where I would have another baby with Christine,okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
What if you and Christine were the last two people on Earth and the entire human race was depending on you to repopulate it? Well,I'd have to.
The fate of mankind rests on my shoulders.
I'd be like a god.
Well,that's just great, Richard.
Have fun.
I'm not gonna have fun, because it's not happening.
First of all,if everybody on Earth starts getting killed, I'm pretty sure Christine would be in the first wave.
What if you were in a room with me and Christine and there was only enough oxygen for two people? Who would you kill? Myself? Look at this place! - It's clean! - Clean? It's immaculate.
Hey,what happened to the furry rug that was here? Oh,we never had a rug.
Eesh! All right,well, take a load off,chief.
Well,okay, but only 'cause I love being called "chief.
" Well,I'm feeling pretty good.
Yeah,me,too.
I haven't thought about Mom in hours.
I really think I'm gonna make it.
It's Mom.
- No,no,Matt,Matthew! - Give,give! Oh,no biting! That's always been a rule! - Hello.
- Mama? Oh,hi,Mom.
How are you? No.
It's Christine.
Your,your daughter.
Oh,no,no,Matthew's not here right now.
But Mom,I'm free to talk.
I've got all night.
Oh,yeah,I'm pretty busy,too.
Okay,well,bye, Mom.
I love you.
I love you,too! If you were on a desert island with me and Christine and there was no food, who would you eat first? Christine, we have to stop this.
I can't.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Maybe it would make you feel better if you could pick someone.
If I didn't exist, who wouldyourepopulate the Earth with.
Matthew.
You didn't pause at all,did you? You had that gun loaded and ready.
But it's all hypothetical.
It doesn't even matter.
You feel better? Yes.
Me,too.
Okay,why Matthew? He's sexy.
I'msexy.
He has a nice flat tummy.
Please.
Feel this.
Okay,no,don't.
And a great head of hair.
This conversation is over.
And I want you to know I would go sleep on the couch, but that couch hurts my back.
So I'm staying here,but it's just like I'm on the couch.
Mom didn't even want to talk to me.
I know.
She's awful.
God,I love her so much.
What did she say? She said she didn't want to talk to me.
So nothing about me,then? Well,I don't need her.
I've got Ritchie.
No,Christine,no! Matthew,you step aside.
You do not want to get between a desperate mother and her only son! You were doing so great.
Do not blow it.
I mean,look around.
Look at your beautiful,clean house.
Oh,screw this house! Who cares if the house is clean if there's no love in it? This is a loveless house! This is a house that no love built, and it should be covered in trash and clothes so that everybody can see what a horrible and dirty and dead place this is! You feel better? I hit myself in the eye with a button.
Okay,look,it's almost 2:00 A.
M.
The night's already half over.
Why,why is this so easy for you? Easy? The only thing holding me together is the idea that maybe Mom will have a mini stroke and I can move back in with her and wash her back.
- Freak.
- I know.
Oh,what are we gonna do? Are we never gonna sleep again? Well,we made it through the night.
That's the important thing.
Yeah.
I went from sleeping in the same bed with my son to sleeping in the same bed with my brother.
It's therapeutic.
It's secret.
It's so,so secret.
I'm sorry about last night.
I get a little crazy when I think about you with other women, but it's just because I love you so much.
I love that it makes you crazy.
And I love your hair.
I love you so much.
I love you,too.
Okay,Mama,I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
I love you,too.
Okay,sweetie, have a good day.
I love you.
Stay safe.
Oh,son of a bitch.