The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e15 Episode Script

Matthew.
Oh,Barb Me.
Ooh,Ritchie.
Barb Me How are we going to tell her that we're all moving out at the same time? I don't know.
Christine has huge abandonment issues.
It started when our parents forgot to pick her up at summer camp.
Two weeks later,they found her in a bunk surrounded by lanyards.
No one even told her camp was over.
You know what? That was a long time ago.
She done been abandoned by a lot of people since then.
Maybe she's used to it.
Maybe she'll be happy we're moving forward in our lives.
Even as I say it,I know it's wrong.
Well,at least she still has Ritchie.
Yeah,thank God for Ritchie.
All right,Mom.
I'm leaving for science camp.
Oh,God.
Not camp.
Not today.
Okay,honey.
You got everything? You all ready? Yeah.
Are you? Oh,sweetheart Of course I'm not.
- I'll be back in a week.
- Okay,Ritchie.
Nobody loves you like I do,okay? Be careful,all right? They don't care if you get hurt.
- Now,I'm scared.
- Good.
Good.
It'll keep you on your toes.
Bye,darling.
I love you.
Bye.
Bye.
There goes my little boy.
Well,at least I still have you guys.
Matthew has something to tell you.
Barb's moving out.
What? Oh,no.
Not today.
Today's not good for me.
I really appreciate your asking, but the answer is "no.
" Listen,Christine,I rented a condo a half mile from here,we work together.
I'll see you in about an hour.
Okay,whatever,Barb,all right? Have a nice life.
In an hour.
I'll see you whenever.
In an hour! WellI guess it's just me and you and you.
Christine,listen.
I'm going to tell you something that I think in hindsight is going to be very ironic and funny.
Matthew's moving in with me.
No! - Wait.
- No! Proudly Presents Season4 Episode15 What are you guys still doing here? I thought you were in such a big hurry to leave me.
You took our car keys.
Fine.
There are your car keys.
You know what? I'm glad you're leaving.
You know,I was actually going to break up with you guys anyway.
We're not breaking up with you.
- We're moving on with our lives.
- It's fine.
I'm moving on with my life,too.
Okay,Mama.
Come on,come on.
It's going to be fine.
Yeah.
You know what? Maybe it's too much, us both moving out at the same time.
I guess I could wait to move in with Lucy.
I do worry about her being all alone here.
It's a big house.
Well,they're only a few stairs.
Oh,it just takes one to break a hip.
Ah,that's good stuff,you guys.
That's hilarious,you know? Keep it coming.
Maybe we should have someone come in twice a week just to make sure she's eating properly and cleaning herself.
Why didn't we think about that a couple years ago? Okay,that's enough.
All right,don't flatter yourselves.
I'm perfectly capable of living alone.
In fact,you know what? I'm looking forward to spending time with myself.
And I'm looking forward to not walking in and finding you spending time with yourself.
A closed door means knock.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh,wow.
This is already so much better than living at Christine's.
We are moving in together.
Yeah.
Wow.
You sure have a lot of stuff.
Okay,come on in.
Make yourself at home.
All right,sure.
Oh,will you take your shoes off,honey? Oh,yeah,sure,honey.
So no shoes.
How are you on pants or shirts? Yes on shirts.
No on pants.
Now,uh,rent is due on the 15th of every month.
If it's more than three days late,I'll have you evicted.
I won't.
I don't know why I said that.
But rent is due on the 15th.
I'm nervous.
Yeah,me,too.
But you know what,it's going to be great.
Hey,let's celebrate.
We'll go down to the farmer's market, get some stuff,come back and we'll cook our first dinner together.
"Cook"? I don't really cook.
Well,I could cook.
I don't really like when other people cook.
I never noticed how big you are.
You sure do take up a lot of space.
Sorry.
Okay,uh,before you get too comfortable No,not to worry.
There's someone I want you to meet.
Our roommate,Mr.
Deeds.
Oh,we have a roommate named Mr.
Deeds.
Mm-hmm.
Mr.
Deeds is my dachshund.
And it's really important that the two of you get along.
Yeah,yeah,no I love dogs.
Oh,I love you! Well,let's hope Mr.
Deeds love me,too.
Yeah.
It's a big deal.
Mr.
Deeds? There's someone I want you to meet.
He's really sweet and I think you're really going to like him.
Ah,hey,Mr.
Deeds.
I told you he'd like me.
You love Matthew,don't you? Yes,you do.
Yes,you do.
We're going to have the best time together.
Yes,we are! Yes,we are.
Kiss Mommy! Oh,kiss Mommy.
Good,kiss Mommy.
I'm not alone in here! I have a dog! And a boyfriend! Who's a cop! And he loves me! And he's strong! He can lift me! He can carry me all over the house.
Oh! Christine,let me in! Sorry.
I thought you were a murderer.
No,the imaginary murder took off when he heard about your imaginary cop boyfriend.
What's the emergency? There's an earwig in my bedroom.
You better be kidding.
They scare me,Richard.
I saw this TV show where they said they could crawl into your ear and eat your brain.
That's going to be one hungry earwig.
Well,that's not funny,okay? I'm,I'm all alone in here.
New Christine was not happy about me leaving in the middle of dinner.
Dinner? I've been asleep for two hours.
It's 6:30.
Look,I know this is a hard time for you, but you can't call me up every time there's a bug.
You're going to more self-sufficient I'm self-sufficient.
It's just that there's no food in the house and I can't find mcar keys and I hurt my hip.
Maybe it's time we moved you into a place where someone can keep an eye on you.
Yes,yes,I've heard all those jokes.
Get you one of those cell phones with just one button.
Maybe a string by the toilet you can pull to call the fire department.
Okay,enough.
Get out of my house.
Come on,I'm kidding.
You know,I don't like that everyone thinks that I can't take care of myself.
You're just a little dependent.
You depend on people.
You need Depends.
Get out.
Go back to your dinner and your fiancée.
All right,if you see the earwig, tell him you have an imaginary anteater.
Just go.
I don't need you.
I don't need anybody! Oh Except maybe a locksmith.
And an anteater.
And a cop boyfriend who loves me.
Incompetent.
Okay Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow Oh okay.
I,I just I just,I have to screw my foot into the toilet.
Okay,oh Now what? What's that? The earwig?! So this is it.
This is how they're gonna find me.
If only I had a string next to the toilet to call the fire department.
Stupid Richard.
Stupid Barb.
Stupid Matthew.
Who else? Stupid earwig.
God,I can't even survive one night alone without dying in a toilet! I used to be a strong independent woman.
Hey!Yeah,you,pal! Put that paper down unless you want to be a headline in it.
Well,not that paper because it's already printed, but tomorrow's.
Just go! Hey,this isn't my paper.
This isn't my apartment.
What floor is this? Well,that's a shame.
Oh,my God! Oh,my God! Oh,no! Do you have any idea what time it is? - 8:00.
- 8:00.
Do you know what time you said you'd be home? - 8:00.
- 6:00.
I'm pretty sure you said 6:00.
Pretty sure I said 8:00.
Oh,maybe you're right.
Either way,you should have called.
We were worried sick about you.
Weren't we,Mr.
Deeds? Yes,we were.
Would you like an apology? Yes,I would.
I would,too.
Okay,Lucy.
I'm sorry for being what you thought was two hours late, even though I wasn't.
And,uh,Mr.
Deeds,I'm sorry for being what you thought was 14 hours late, even though I wasn't.
Let's talk about it later.
It's not good for him to see mommy and daddy argue.
You know what? I want him to hear this.
I'm not his daddy.
Look,I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, but it's just been a little weird here.
Don't you think it's a little weird? If anyone's making it weird,Matthew,it's you.
You come in here with your big army bags, and your filthy shoes and your large body.
You're rude to my son,you want to start fires in my kitchen.
I was trying to make us some noodles! Matthew,what's happening? Is this working? Yeah,yeah.
You don't think it's working? Oh,no,no,I totally think it's working.
Yeah,me,too,totally.
Mr.
Deeds thinks it's working,too.
That's not how he talks.
- Christine! - Christine! What are you doing here? I came by to check on Christine and to bring her some dinner.
I was a little hard on her when I left.
Yeah,me,too.
I wonder where she is.
Help! I need help! Where are you,Christine? I'm in the bathroom! And I need help.
We don't want to! Just get in here! Oh,thank God you guys are here.
- Are you hurt? - No.
Oh,good.
It's not funny.
It's not funny! Oh,I'm sorry.
You should see it from this angle.
Hey,lookit,I fell in the toilet and my foot got stuck,all right? It happens all the time.
Read your Internet.
We never should have left her alone.
There's not even a rail in here.
Oh,good idea for a birthday gift: shower seat.
Okay,we'll help you,but first you have to say, "I've fallen and I can't get up.
" - Stop it! - Okay,okay, we'll just take a short video for YouTube and then we'll get you right out of here.
No.
You know what? Never mind,okay? I don't want your help.
God,if I can't get myself out of this, I'm gonna start believing you guys are right; that I'm become so dependent on family and friends that I've lost the ability to take care of myself.
So would you just please turn around and walk away? We can't just leave you here.
Well,that's what I want.
What's gonna happen when you have to go to the bathroom? Please,please,please don't talk about having to go to the bathroom,okay? It's been one of the cruelest ironies of this whole event.
Look,we're not gonna just to leave you here.
I've gotten myself out of much worse situations than this.
I was married to Richard.
Really? You think you're in any position to bag on me right now? No.
But before I was married,I was so independent that people thought I'd never be able to live with another person.
And now no one thinks I'm capable of living alone.
Would you please just leave me? I don't feel right about this.
Worried about you.
You guys,it's a matter of pride.
She's a proud woman.
You gotta send me that one.
Get out! Get out! Okay,good.
Oh,man! Oh,it's times like these I wish I were a better housekeeper.
So how long before we go in there and help her? As soon as it stops Not yet.
Oh,good,because I was going to say that's not the worst sound to ever come out of that bathroom.
Okay,but we should take it easy on her and stop teasing her so much.
At some point,itwillstop being funny.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Okay,I'm gonna need a mop, and a trip to the emergency room and some mouthwash.
But you're free.
You did it.
Good for you,Christine.
Send me that one,too.
I'm sorry I got so upset.
We can figure this out.
It just seemed so different since we've been living together.
Is it because of Eric? No.
Who's Eric? That's Mr.
Deeds' first name.
Well,then,yes.
I guess some of it does have to do with Eric Mr.
Deeds.
Mr.
Eric Deeds.
Okay,I know I have a weird relationship with my dog.
But we've been through a lot together.
Maybe we just moved too fast.
I mean,we barely knew each other.
Oh,that's true.
I didn't know about all your quirks.
Okay.
So,what are we gonna do? Well,we could just go back to dating.
- That was fun.
- It was so much fun.
Yeah,let's do that.
You'll live here, I'll move out,and we'll just date.
- Yeah,we'll see where it goes.
- Right.
Wait,we know where it goes.
It goes to me standing here shoeless and starving, getting yelled at for being right on time.
And it goes to me crying in my bed,waiting for you to come home,turning to Neil for comfort.
Who's Neil? That's Eric's real name.
So,are we breaking up? Yeah,I think we are.
Wow.
Didn't see that coming.
And I did it.
I proved to myself that I can live alone for almost a day and a half on nothing but earwig.
I'm independent Christine again.
Can I move back in with you? You can sleep in my bed if you want to.
No,my room's okay.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
What if the only person I can ever live with is you? Oh Wouldn't that be great? No,I'm saying it wouldn't be great.
What if I've missed my window and now I can't adapt to new people? Oh.
I hope so.
Stop taking things that are bad for me as good news for you! You'll find someone,Matthew.
I mean,obviously,Lucy wasn't the right someone.
Yeah,but I thought she was perfect.
You'll find the perfect person.
I mean,and when you meet that person, it'll just come together naturally.
You're a wonderful guy.
You'll find her.
Is she you? Nobody knows.
You know what? You're right.
I will find someone.
I won't live here forever.
Want me to let go of your hand? Not yet.