The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e04 Episode Script

We have to make this sham wedding look as legitimate as possible.
- One question.
- You're not getting laid.
Don't even try.
She was an ice cube during our entire sham marriage.
Why do we have to go through all of this? Why don't go to Vegas and get hitched? Drive-thru chapel in my truck, nickel slots, watered down drinks I'll marry you right now.
I already duped the INS once, so they'll be watching me.
So today, we'll go down and open up a joint bank account.
Then go to the Justice of the Peace, get our license and then get married.
You know what's weird? Pretty soon, I will have been married to everyone in this room.
- You know what would be really weird? - No threesomes.
Sham marriage sucks as bad as real marriage.
So Barb, we've got a wedding to plan.
This is your big day.
We have to figure out what I'm wearing, who I'm bringing, what song I'm singing You're wearing that, you're bringing no one and if you even start to sing "Put a ring on it", I'm throwing you out.
We'll see.
The first thing we have to do is get a divorce.
Divorce.
God, I forgot about that.
You know, that makes me oh-for-two.
Two-time loser.
Used goods.
Black widow.
Stop.
- Are you gonna be okay? - I'm fine.
- Nothing's really gonna change.
- Of course not.
You're my best friend.
Nothing's gonna change that.
So I'll just have my lawyer send over some papers for you to sign and he'll file them in court.
What did you just say? I'll just have my lawyer send over some papers for you to sign and he'll file them in court.
Lawyer? What do you need a lawyer for? When Richard and I got divorced, it was so informal.
We had a paralegal do it for free while we drank beers in the back of his van.
We weren't even going there to get divorced.
I just want to protect my assets.
Protect your assets? From who m? From who? If you were to protect your assets, from whom might you be protecting your assets from? It's no big deal.
But it is a big deal.
You don't trust me? - I never said that.
- So, you do trust me? I never said that.
You know what? If you don't trust me, guess what? I don't trust you.
I'll hire a lawyer to protect my assets from you m.
You don't have anything I want.
I know that.
You made that perfectly clear on our honeymoon.
Synch : So.
I am so glad that you came to see me.
I am in a perfect position to help you.
When I think about the injustice you suffered at the hands of that woman, it makes me so sick I would handle your case for nothing.
But I respect you too much for that.
Well, thank you, your honor.
We are going to make her pay for everything that she's done to you.
We're going to start by freezing her assets and garnishing her wages.
You know what? Before we start freezing and garnishing, I'm starting to feel a little bit weird about this.
Barb is my best friend.
And I just got angry and I tend to be very impulsive when I'm angry.
I'm the reason that you can't bring water bottles into Dodger games.
I think I've changed my mind about this.
I see.
You're one of those.
Yeah.
I am.
One of what? Let me ask you something.
Please, sit.
How did your last divorce go? It was easy.
My ex and I share custody of our son.
And we split everything else down the middle, even-steven.
How much alimony does he pay you? I didn't really feel comfortable asking for alimony.
I'm a democrat.
No alimony.
You do own a piece of his business, though? I didn't really feel comfortable asking for that.
I'm a feminist.
But you were comfortable starting from scratch after you bore him a child and gave him the best years of your life? Yeah, I'm comfortable with that.
I'm an idiot.
So no money, no business, no nothing.
- Let's get married.
- OK.
Sorry.
It's an automatic response.
When are you going to stop letting people take advantage of you? Stop being such a giver? You know, this is not the first time I have heard that.
So what's it going to take to have you start fighting back? I don't wanna fight Barb.
She's my friend.
And she's freakishly strong.
She's the reason you can't buy beer after the seventh inning at Dodger games.
- Who started the gym? - Me.
Who married her best friend to keep her in the country? Who lost her figure after childbirth? You.
And all you're asking for in return is dignity, respect, and the acknowledgement of the value you have in this relationship.
What else do you have left? Nothing.
Nothing.
Are you two actually eating? You wearing a girl's shirt? There's a good reason for that.
I look good in girls' shirts.
- Where's the tacos? - We ate them.
Wanna go get more? After I finish this taco.
Shouldn't you be doing this in the privacy of your bathroom? No, we've given up.
What's the point? You know what happened at the mall? A group of teenagers were staring at us.
We thought they were hitting on us.
Then they asked us to walk them into an R-rated movie.
And they called me "ma'am".
They called me "sir".
I should probably stop carrying my cell phone in my front pocket.
- What brought all this on? - We have children in middle school.
We've had our last babies.
It's all sort of hitting us that our lives are over.
We have no purpose.
Our kids won't even let us drive them to school.
- Then what are you doing here? - Waiting for a hot lunch.
Come on.
This is silly.
You are two beautiful women in the prime of your lives.
People would pay to look like you do.
You pay to look like you do.
Stop it.
Be specific.
Well, Lindsay, you've got a sexy voice, a fantastic profile and you drive a great car.
Do me.
You look like a Barbie doll with your delicate features, your perfect sense of style and spacious guest house.
Age isn't an issue for you two, you're ageless.
Seriously, the years go by, but the face doesn't change.
You could be 20 or 500.
Are those women's pants? Actually there's a really good reason for that.
I have this high waist.
And I look good in women's pants.
You look better in women's pants than Lindsay does.
Lindsay, move your phone.
I don't have my phone.
Today was the day I realized what's been holding me back my entire life.
- Addiction? - No.
- Narcissism? - No.
Short attention span? What are you eating? I have always been too much of a giver.
I have always been so busy taking care of other people that I forgot to take care of myself.
But that is about to change.
I'm going to sue Barb for alimony.
Are you kidding? That's insane.
- Yeah, Howard said you'd say that.
- Who's Howard? My attorney/fiancé.
He made me realize that I put a lot into this marriage and I deserve to be compensated for it.
- Sham marriage, what are you gonna get? - My dignity and respect.
Is Howard a lawyer or a wizard? Shut up or I'm going to sue your ass, too.
For what? You live here rent-free.
You eat my food.
Howard said I'd be well within my rights to sue you for back rent.
- Quid pro quo.
- You don't know what that means.
- Neither do you.
- Fair enough.
I'm not trying to hurt Barb, I'm just trying to get her respect.
Besides, she got a lawyer first.
What am I supposed to do, lie down and take it? This isn't college.
That lawyer has talked you into a decision you're gona regret.
How are you so easily swayed by other people's opinions? You don't know what you're talking about.
This man is very handsome.
It's wrong.
Barb is your best friend.
And she'll appreciate me even more after this.
- Barbara Jean Baran? - That's me.
You've been served.
Those Dodgers need to let it go.
Marly, Lindsay, what are you doing here? - We're your 2:00 appointment.
- You're our new therapist.
I'm not.
I can't.
It's illegal.
I don't want to.
I'm booked up.
I'm dying.
Come on, Matthew.
You're the only one who understands us.
No, I swear I don't.
But you really helped us the other day.
You made us feel good about ourselves.
Yeah, we stopped eating in public.
You made us healthy again.
Then today, we started feeling bad again and we realized that maybe our problem - is deeper than we thought.
- We're scared.
We need help.
We need you.
OK, I'll see what I can do.
Why do I have to be so good with crazy women? Why don't you tell me when your depression started.
Do you have a family history of it? - What is that? - I don't know.
We don't want that kind of therapy.
We've had 20 years of that nonsense.
Do the therapy that you did yesterday.
I didn't do anything yesterday.
Sure you did.
You said we were pretty.
And something about my voice.
I think we can make this real quick.
My client is willing to settle for a onetime cash payment of $25,000.
$25,000! That's so much.
Obviously, she believes she's due much more, but in the interest of friendship she's willing to settle for $25,000.
$25,000.
Well, my client is His client is gonna have to beat your client's ass.
- What in the hell are you doing? - I'm protecting myself.
You hired a lawyer first.
What could I possibly owe you money for? For everything that I've done for you.
I kept you in this country.
I kept you from being deported.
I kept them from kicking you out of America.
I allowed you to stay in the U.
S.
A.
You didn't have to leave our nation.
I could go on.
What about all the things I've done for you? Name one.
I took you in after your divorce.
I bailed out your business.
I ran your business.
I helped raise your kid.
I taught you how to use a computer.
I taught you how to use a telephone.
I've hid wine from you.
I've hid food from you.
I've heimlich'd you, like, seven times.
I said "name one".
If anyone owes anyone anything, you owe me.
I can't believe we lost this one.
My client has reconsidered.
We'll now settle for $27,000.
You're so good at this.
And you work out, huh? - What are you basing this on? - His bicep is huge.
Your mean client is trying to intimidate my crazy client.
She also tried to get my client to do something illegal.
Not to mention the toll that this marriage took on my client's figure.
$35,000! Show them.
Show them the back.
I don't want to.
$50,000.
You know what? You are unbelievable.
Yeah, Barb, that's right You just walk out, just like you did on our marriage.
I'd go after her but I don't want everyone looking at my butt.
Today I thought you could take the Kiersey personality test.
I think if we get a better understanding of your personality types, we can find out where this underlying depression might be coming from.
I know you want me to compliment you.
That is not what I do for a living.
You have this earnest tone to your voice when you talk to us.
It's like you intimately understand sad women.
I borrow clothes from a sad woman.
Look, I am sorry.
I am a trained therapist.
I don't feel right taking $125 from you to say you're beautiful for an hour.
What if we paid you $750 an hour? What if we talked about your gorgeous green eyes? Barb! You're here! - Does this mean you're not mad at me? - No, it does not mean that.
Wait.
It does not mean you're not mad at me or it does mean you're not not mad at me? Let's do this differently.
Mad: yes or no? No, you don't want to do it differently or no you're not mad at me? - What is this? - It's a check, $25,000, just like you wanted.
I don't want to split hairs here, but I think the figure we agreed on was $50,000.
But, in the spirit of friendship I'll take it.
You're welcome.
So I'll sign the divorce papers and we'll get back to the way things were.
There are no papers.
My lawyer found a loophole to get our marriage annulled because we never consummated it.
Well, I told you I would've if you would've.
And I told you there's not enough tequila in Mexico.
So, we're good? We're back? We're done.
Good-bye, Christine.
- "Good-bye"? - Enjoy your check.
You know what? You started this.
You can't make me feel bad, all right? I do not feel bad! Matthew, I feel bad.
But rich, which makes me happy.
But lonely which makes me feel sad.
I don't think Barb wants to be my friend anymore.
Of course she doesn't want that anymore.
You sued her for alimony.
And I won, which makes me happy.
- But Barb left me, which makes me - I know, I've been on this ride.
I've got my own problems.
Marly and Lindsay have been coming to my office - I thought you were done.
- No! Marly and Lindsay have been coming to my office for therapy.
You're still not done? How long is this story? God, it's like Lord Of The Rings.
Marly and Lindsay are paying me $750 an hour to compliment them.
Taking that kind of money from Marly and Lindsay is unethical.
You just sued your best friend.
At least I'm providing a service.
But I didn't want to.
When she got that lawyer, it made me realize, maybe she doesn't think of our friendship the way that I do.
I would trust her with my life, Matthew.
I'm leaving Ritchie to her.
Relax, you're third.
Think of poor Richard, he's sixth.
But I mean, I love Barb.
It's just she made me feel like our marriage was nothing.
It wasn't nothing.
It was one in a series of wonderful illegal things you've done during your friendship.
You know you have to give that money back.
You know you have to give Marly and Lindsay their money back.
Or we could talk about your beautiful brown eyes.
Now we're actually doing this, I'm feeling a little nervous.
I can't get in trouble, can I? Five years in jail, $250,000 fine.
Why didn't you tell me that? I can't go to jail.
I can't pee in front of men, you know that.
We're not gonna get caught.
If anyone asks any questions, just answer truthfully.
We've known each other for 26 years.
You married my best friend, then got divorced.
After that settled, we found each other and knew that this was meant to be, and fell in love.
Sweetie, what a great story to tell our kids.
God, I've got to stop marrying Campbells.
I'm gonna find out how long the wait is.
All right, honey.
Did I miss it? - What are you doing here? - Well, I'm your maid of honor.
And your ex-wife.
And your best friend.
No, I paid you off.
I'm done with you.
Best money I ever spent.
I can't take your money.
I am giving you your check back.
I just needed to know that you love me.
That you care about me.
That you don't hate me.
I don't hate you.
I love you, too, Barb.
I am so sorry.
Please take me back.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'm sorry, too.
I got screwed in my last divorce and was a little defensive.
I never should've hired that lawyer.
Why is this check signed and stamped "insufficient funds"? We could spend all day trying to figure that out.
Damn it.
You tried to cash this? I don't wanna point fingers.
I may have tried to cash it, but you also wrote me a bad check.
There's only $40 in that account.
I just thought of a great way to celebrate.
No sandwiches.
And now, if there's nothing else What else? There's nothing else.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
No, he may not.
I'll do it.
I need you to understand that what you're asking of me cheapens me and it cheapens therapists everywhere.
I'm a professional.
And I can't take money just to stroke your ego.
It is degrading, and I will not do it.
We get it.
You already told us "no more compliments".
We're giving you $1,000 for the hour.
Start rubbing.
Is this pressure okay for you? Do me.