The Oblongs (2011) s01e11 Episode Script


Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs l'm feeling sick.
We better turn around and go home.
What's wrong, honey? l got the D.
Milo, that's a mommy illness.
Come on.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Parent-teacher night is two hoots and a sock full of yowzas.
How do you survive in the world? l'm not going in.
l've just experienced complete renal failure.
What is it, son? You got something to hide? Sort of.
Do you have to wear that hat, Dad? You look like a Robin Hood PEZ dispenser.
Biff and Chip are super, super, super individuals.
lt's a privilege to have them on my ball club.
And how are they doing scholastically? Well, Biff has a lot of potential but no initiative.
And Chip has a lot of initiative but no potential.
Either way, they're ahead of the game.
The doctors were sure one of them would shrivel up and fall off.
Tab and Scooter.
-Peggy's parents.
Well, isn't that magical? l voted yes on Prop 42.
We certainly need a new sewer system.
All the other parents are so cool.
l lucked out.
My parents can't come.
-They got typhus.
-lt's getting late.
Maybe my parents won't make it to our class.
Get away from me.
Hear about the man who fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
l'll wet my pants.
Helga, l want you to take this compass and drive it deep into my forehead.
My big boy in the fourth grade.
Seems like only yesterday, l was wiping your poopy little fanny.
And his diaper rash.
He'd be raw from knees to nipples.
That is some nasty grub.
l thought you kids at least got some decent meals at school.
Due to limited funding, our stove was purchased secondhand from the Haitian navy.
Why don't some of these rich parents buy a new stove? Actually, the hill children have catered meals brought in.
Well, la-di-da.
Oh, your little desk, Milo.
Mom, you're too big to-- -Hey, look, an organ! -Dad, no! Come on, sing with me! Now just the gals! At least the worst day of the year is almost over.
Not quite.
Monday's the first day of the new semester and you know what that means.
We all get judged by our new wardrobes.
Could it get any worse? Get it off! Get if off! Get it off! Get if off! Sorry, Milo.
Money's a little tight.
So you'll have to wear Biff and Chip's hand-me-downs.
Mom, the armpits smell, and there's four of them.
Hey, that's our only shirt.
You can't even take a nap around here.
-Can l at least get some new shoes? -l'll be happy to cobble you up a new pair.
Why don't you go to the woodpile and pick out a nice log? l don't want log shoes.
l want store-bought.
Now, Milo, l've never had a new pair of shoes in my life.
Maybe l could wear this hat.
There it is.
My golf pantlet.
l'm tired of hauling my own weight.
Let's take the escalator.
On second thought, there's a lot of good shops on the first floor.
Look, they've got Tommy Vinegar! May l help you? Could you suggest anything that will divert attention from my buttocks? -A world war? -You're funny.
You're also old.
Soon you will be dead.
Then we dig up your grave and make your corpse do embarrassing things à la Weekend at Bernie's.
This is exactly what l want.
How much are these? Four hundred dollars.
Look at this.
-This would look so cute on you.
-No, on you.
Let's all buy the same things and borrow each other's clothes.
Will that be cash or charge? Right, right.
Charge, of course.
Those boys are spitting.
lt's so disgusting.
Good loogie, Jared.
Excellent texture.
-l got gum on my new shoes.
-You can have your maid scrape it off.
No, then l'd have to go in that creepy room she lives in.
Forget these.
Michael Jumps-a-Lots! l'm keeping them.
An unconscious kid.
l'm keeping him.
-Morning, honey.
-You got a little milk mustache there.
These are spectacular shoes.
lt's probably best not to wear those today, son.
lt's raining cats and dogs.
Oh, no! Actually, it's raining rain.
l'm just busting your chops.
Mom, where do we keep my wet-weather gear? Honey, l don't even know where we keep the bread.
Oh, well, nothing can hurt Michael Jumps-a-Lots.
They're handmade by highly-skilled Chinese babies.
These will keep you dry, sweetie.
Trash-bag poncho and sandwich-bag galoshes.
There you go.
Please, God, bring the lightning.
-You've got a bucket on your head.
-Really? l wasn't aware.
-What a loser.
-Yeah, with a capital "loo.
" Let's shove him in something.
Hey, cool lid.
-What did he say? -Funzie likes Milo's bucket.
And he's way cool.
l'll be in my office.
Why do we think he's cool again? l can't believe anyone thought that stupid bucket you wore yesterday was cool.
No one even noticed l finally shaved my pits.
Why is everyone wearing buckets? Because we're bucketheads.
lt's the latest thing.
l know.
l invented it.
Stop lying.
And if you wear one now, you'll just be copying us.
-But l was the first-- -Copying.
-But l wore-- -Copying.
-lt was-- -Copy.
The Debbies stole the bucket thing.
l was cool for 20 seconds.
l can't go back.
l won't.
Milo, being cool isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Take my word for it.
l hung with a hip crowd in high school.
Right, when you were dating Mr.
Fancy-Pants, Tommy Vinegar.
You dated Tommy Vinegar? Yeah, he was one of my boy toys.
Mommy used to have no shame.
Why didn't you marry him? Then we'd be rich.
-We wouldn't have to live in this hellhole.
-l'll tell you why she didn't marry him.
She met the funkmaster general.
That's right.
Your old man had some bell-bottoms as wide as all get-out and a fro you wouldn't believe.
Thanks for the ride, dudes.
Dang, l was fly.
-Then how did you get so lame? -lt happens.
Mom, if you hung with Tommy Vinegar, then you must be cool.
School me.
There's nothing to school.
lt's all attitude.
lt's not what you wear.
lt's how you wear it.
Now it's not just a bucket, it's a ham bucket.
ls that cool? You tell me, hotshot.
l am one styling mofo.
What's that goober wearing on his bucket? lt's a ham.
How lame.
Yeah, but if it's so lame, how come he's acting so cool? Don't you know? Ham buckets are the newest thing.
l'm getting one today.
Who's your designer, Milo? Some beyotch.
Swing by my crib après school, and l'll hook you up.
Bitchen move.
My spine! Either l am really smashed, or you and your friends look exactly alike.
We want ham buckets.
Who the hell are you, and what in God's name is a ham bucket? Mom, you created them.
l'll pay you whatever you want.
Biff, Chip, run to the store and get me 50 buckets and 50 yams.
Hams, Mom.
Who would wear a yam? -Fifty dollars.
-Fifty bones? l ain't got that kind of scratch.
l work for a living, lady.
For Milo's little friends, they're on the house.
But they'll cheapen the coolness factor.
Do you want another spanking like last night? -Mom, that wasn't me.
That was Dad.
-That's none of your business.
-Thank you, Mrs.
May the road always rise up to meet you.
May-- You go play now.
-Mine's too small.
-Try this.
l've never felt prettier than with this garbage can on my head.
The irony is even within my grasp.
This is a special treat, kids thanks to your mother selling all those buckets.
Okay, everyone ready? My Lord, lt's a Maori warrior.
Honey, do we have our Land camera in the car? Dad, he's our waiter.
We like beef dinner.
You know, moo! Beef.
l'm getting the manager.
Man, l wish we could eat decent food like this every day.
l wish you could too, but that would involve me and the kitchen and l'm just not seeing it.
But l haven't grown in two years.
Well, unless you count this.
Hey, wait.
lf l can come up with a few more fashion ideas l could earn enough to buy the school a stove.
All right! Promise you won't forget about this when the martinis wear off.
Kids, they never wear off.
Hey, Milo, what's that on your back? My mom's latest design.
lt's a ham backpack, or ham-pack.
Wow, that is so rad.
-Oh, my God.
l love it.
-lt's totally cute.
lt's all for the ladies.
l hate that Ob-dong's become so cool.
But l have no mind of my own, so l simply have to accept it.
Hey, Milo, you wanna go loiter at the A to Zed with the in-crowd? Are you kidding? This is everything l've ever wanted.
That was kind of a gayer response than l'd hoped for.
Actually, he has an emergency clubhouse meeting.
Yeah, we've located a slug the size of a cucumber.
And we have to vote on what to smash it with.
l got a better idea.
Why don't you come with us? No way, dude.
They're losers.
Well, you heard the man.
Here, Milo, take this scooter.
No one's using it.
But, Milo, l thought we were your posse.
l'm sorry, really.
l'm a wreck about this.
Let's kick it.
Wanna go smash a slug? Milo, now that you're one of the young mods l was wondering if you might do me a favor.
l've got 30 stone of digestive biscuits moldering in the back.
lf you were to be spied nibbling one, they might sell a little more briskly.
Oh, yeah, l'm up in it.
Endorsement denied.
l declare this place uncool.
As well as all of England and parts of Wales.
Oh, bollocks.
But, Milo, you haven't even tried the mutton nachos.
Oh, fiddly-pip, When will you assimilate? Could someone move all this crap so l can park my wheels? lt's not crap.
lt's my new body spray.
A light floral scent in a ham base.
l call it Jambon.
Would you give your father a hand? He's having some trouble stirring.
No can do.
l'm going to a rave in a skanky warehouse thrown by some scary guy nobody knows.
Well, as long as you're going, why don't you spritz on some Jambon? lt'll get people interested.
l need a scent that will take me from daytime to nighttime.
And this stops just short of dusk.
Plus it smells like ham.
-Endorsement denied.
-What? Milo, do l have to remind you the money's going to buy a stove for your cafeteria? l don't eat there anymore.
l'm too cool.
Milo, you wouldn't be cool if it weren't for my designs.
Mamacita, l think you've got it backwards.
Your designs wouldn't be cool if l hadn't worn them.
You're just like Tommy Vinegar.
l made him cool too.
And then it went to his head.
Uppity bitch-boy.
l don't need anyone's help to be cool, and l'll prove it.
l'm gonna launch my own line of threads.
That's what l call clothes.
Pickles, dear.
l believe l'm being rendered.
Then we're all agreed.
Milo is hereby banished from the clubhouse and loses all member privileges, which include climbing the tree sitting on the box and staring out the window.
Et tu, Peggy? Well, well.
A dog always returns to its vomit.
-Wait a minute.
-Never mind.
Big news.
l've decided to launch my own fashion line and l need your help.
Why should we help you when you've been a fantastic ass? l'll make you cool.
After all, l did it for me.
He's got a point.
A bigger dork there never was.
Okay, here's the dealio.
l'm gonna have my fashion show this Saturday.
But that's when your mother is launching Jambon.
l know.
l'm gonna blast her out of the water.
-lt's the clash of the titans.
-Okay, here's what we're gonna to do.
l have a very large pot suitable for hot tar or boiling oil or a seafood gumbo.
What do we need that for? lt's just that it was rather pricey, and l haven't used it nearly as much as l thought l would, and.
Never mind.
l am worried about Milo.
Being popular has really gone to his head.
Oh, he's probably just afraid of becoming a fuddy-duddy like his old man.
Sweetheart, you're the one who showed me there are more important things in life than being cool.
There are, aren't there? Like getting down off a stool without shattering your coccyx.
That's my Bob.
Blaine, Jared, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie! How come he got two fruity kisses and l only got one? lt is part of the enigma that is Milo.
Okay, everybody, it's showtime.
You cruel bastard.
Helga, stop eating your fringe.
You shouldn't have made it out of bacon.
Okay, let's go, let's go! My first design is a cocktail dress made entirely of eucalyptus leaves.
Koala bear! Koala bear! Sorry about that, mate.
And now Mikey is a silvery vision of silver.
These versatile tinfoil pants are perfect for spring, summer or lining the drip pan in your oven.
And now in a stylish and apparently delicious dress l give you Helga.
-What? -Please, God someone poke my eyes out! This is stupid.
Your stuff sucks, Milo.
To think l let you kiss the air next to my cheek.
Kiss this, Milo.
We haven't even gotten to the cruisewear.
That's for saying "cruisewear.
" Hey, cool beak.
Hey, Funzie likes her beak.
Quick, to the beak store.
Where are all our customers? Surely everyone saw the one-line advertisement l placed in the "et cetera" section of our local PennySaver.
Maybe they don't wanna smell like flowers and pork.
That's their problem.
l think it's two great smells that smell great together.
lt's over.
Everyone hated my designs.
Oh, l'm sorry, honey.
l tried to warn you.
The problem with being cool is it doesn't last.
Yeah, it blows with the wind.
Much like the dreaded hantavirus.
Hello, Pickles.
Tommy Vinegar? Tommy? What are you doing here? l was paper-training my bichon frise when l happened upon your advert.
l wrote that advert.
Pickles, how wonderful.
You married a Weeble.
So, let me get a whiff of this body spray.
That is an eye-watering stink.
l don't give a rat's heinie what you think.
l like it.
Your blasé attitude suggests you know something l don't.
Therefore, l shall buy your product outright and market it as my own.
l'll just carry these vats out to my Chevrolet minivan.
Hey, there's enough here to buy the school a stove with just enough left over to get me bombed.
Now l see what you mean about attitude, Mom.
But how do you not care about what people think? Well, l am married to a great guy and l have great kids.
And you all think l'm cool, so l must be.
So you're saying l should marry Dad? You just ruined what could have been a very poignant family moment.
Should we hug anyway? -l don't care.
-Attaboy! BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]