The Oblongs (2011) s01e12 Episode Script

Father of the Bribe

Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs The weekend.
Let's take a load off the old dogs.
And now for the sweet, nonsexual embrace of Mr.
Drive me somewhere, drive me anywhere.
Just drive me.
Pickles, l spend every Saturday chauffeuring the family.
Couldn't you do it just this once? l was supine.
Let me see.
l'm good for welding, but driving's out of the question.
-Don't worry.
-As soon as we get our license you won't have to drive us.
-Will you drive us to driver's-- -Nipples? -Ed.
Driver's ed.
l'm a teenage boy.
l think about nipples every nine seconds.
As long as we're in the neighborhood, l can stop at the hattery.
l dropped off my fedora to be blocked and refeathered 1 4 years ago.
l've been busy chauffeuring everyone to pick it up.
Seems to be a ramen house now.
Maybe it's a good time to try out my Mandarin.
We're gonna be late for driver's ed.
What is wrong with you? l'm sorry.
My desire to wear a hat and speak Chinese is getting in the way -of my duties as a father.
-Just drive! Welcome.
Most of you know me as the coach.
l also teach sex education and driver's ed.
Will someone please tell me which one this is? -lt's driver's ed, coach.
Then l won't be needing this penis in formaldehyde.
Since you're mostly rich Hill kids and your parents pay my salary we'll address the driving concerns important to you.
First, how to operate a six-CD changer in the Beamer 700 Series.
We just have an eight-track with an old Foreigner tape stuck in it.
There's no sense you boys being in this class.
Why don't you go out in the hall and read about chlamydia.
So, anyway, that's how the panda bears got into the Dairy Queen and why l need a lawyer.
Biff, Chip, how was your day? lt sucked.
We got thrown out of driver's ed.
We'll never get our license.
We'll miss out on everything.
-Drive-ins, drive-thrus.
You don't need a class to learn how to drive.
-l'll teach you.
-Dad, it's crazy that you drive at all.
-l don't know if you should be teaching.
-Oh, nonsense.
Sweetheart, this roast is fantabulous.
-lt's spaghetti.
-And it's a-delicious.
All right, now, hands at 1 0, 2, 4 and 8.
You wanna pull over every couple of blocks to make sure you're not dragging anything.
l tap my horn constantly to let the other drivers know l'm around.
Look out! Stop sign! Son of a-- Oh, lordy.
All right, let me do the talking.
l know how to handle Johnny Law.
Guess you know why l pulled you over.
You need to have that baby secured in a car seat.
Now you see here! l am not-- All right, l have to sit next to the driver.
How are we gonna do this? -You can sit on our middle leg.
You pass.
Your first driver's license.
My boys are growing up.
Soon you'll be drafted and go off to fight and die in some godforsaken rice paddy, and for what? For what? Dad, she's doing it again.
Pickles, dear, good news.
Two more designated drivers in the house.
Mommy's back.
-Hold on.
We are not a taxi service.
-Yeah, we have teenage stuff to do.
Like hanging out at the abandoned quarry with friends.
Yeah, and hitting on quarry skanks.
Boys, part of growing up is learning to think of others instead of just yourselves.
And skanks.
l have a list of errands that need to be run.
Boys, do you want to get into heaven or not? All right, but l get to drive.
Dude, that presents certain complications.
That should do her.
Don't forget to thank your Grammy for the use of her chair.
-Thanks, Grammy.
-Thanks, Grammy.
Next stop, Michael Wong's bar mitzvah.
Sorry, old gal.
First stop, the abandoned quarry.
Dad said no.
-You're such a mama's boy.
-And you're a latent homosexual.
Well, well, well.
l've seen driver's-side airbags but l've never seen a driver's-side douchebag.
Care to put your motor where your mouth is? Let's drag! We're headed for the gorge.
-Hit the brakes.
-l am.
-That's the gas, stupid.
-No, that's your leg, dufus.
Guys? Guess we'd better go home and tell Dad.
Hey, it's my turn to drive.
A car accident? This is what happens when you put yourselves before family.
l told you to stay away from that gravel pit.
-lt's a quarry, Dad.
-Can the sassafras, mister.
l already cutted some switches.
l left some sharp points on them.
So this dent, is it noticeable? My goodness.
That's gonna rattle like the dickens.
And we have no money for a new car.
Now, Bob, we should just thank the Lord our boys weren't hurt.
Anyone seen my Chippendales lighter? l think l saw it in the front seat.
Why me? Why me? You'll be okay on the bus.
l wrote our number on the back of your underwear or someone's underwear.
l'm looking forward to my bus ride.
Public transportation is a great place for community interaction.
You getting on, slug boy? You bet l am.
And l brought my magnetic checkers.
God love him.
He's gonna get his ass kicked.
Bus Driver, l'd like to disembark.
-We don't stop here.
-But we are stopped.
Gosh, and to think it was my lifelong dream to be a good bus driver.
Somebody drop a bottle? Thanks for nothing! l bet all the bagels are gone.
-Where's everyone going? -Our shift is over, Bob.
-You missed the whole day.
-Well, fiddlesticks and coffeepots.
Want a lift home? l got crackers.
Thanks, James, but l'd hate to waste this free bus transfer.
-l know, sir.
-l'm terribly sorry l missed work.
-You missed work? l was just gonna yell at you to loosen some phlegm.
Will l still get paid for today? There we go.
-You get rid of that loogie? -Thankfully.
We should be going.
Our dinner reservations are for 7.
Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can.
Thank you.
Sit on my back, Sally.
Mayor, since you're here, why don't l give you your semiannual bribe? Are you nuts? l can't walk out of here with 80 grand in a bag.
l'll attract attention.
Sir, you're wearing a Mexican wrestling mask.
Just put it in the usual spot.
Now hit me in the groin with that golf club.
That hurts more than l thought it would.
l'm home.
-Bob, it's 1 in the morning.
-Little mix-up with the buses.
No worries.
Now l've got a transit schedule.
According to this, the only bus that will get you to work on time leaves in nine minutes.
Well, l'm off.
l wonder if l have time to use the facilities.
Schedule's upside-down.
You only have six minutes.
l'll just pee in the bus like everyone else.
Poor baby.
l know it's not true, but somehow l feel like this is our fault.
Well, like you said, it's not true, so let's go to bed.
I'm Sheriff Pepper inviting you to the government auction of seized property.
We got it all.
Uzis, live ostriches, pinky rings, whore clothes or drive home in your very own getaway car for as low as $50.
See? Crime does pay, for you.
This is how we can make it up to Dad.
Yeah, he'd love a pinky ring.
This is so exciting.
l've never seen so many scumbags in one place.
Okay, this little beauty was used in a recent kidnapping.
New paint, tires, and look at all this trunk room.
Next up, we have this green sedan.
lt looks like Government lssue, so imagine what sick crap went down in there.
Let's start the bidding at, oh, let's say $30.
-What's he saying? -l don't know.
l'll ask.
Sold for $50.
-Dude, we only have 50.
-l have a quarter.
-Give it.
-Only if it can be my car too.
Fine, ass-butt.
l'm not gonna kid you.
This car has some problems.
-Do l hear a penny? -No! l can't believe you bought us this car.
My boys bought me this car.
They're lovely, lovely boys.
Dad, will you shut up? There seems to be some play in the wheel.
Just what l thought.
You've got a big bag of money jammed in your steering column.
What will that cost to fix? Wait! Did you just say there's a big bag of money in my car? No.
He said there's a big bag of money in our car! We're rich! Yeah! We're rich! lt's part my car too.
-Yeah, we're all rich except for Dad! -Yeah! Hold on.
That money belongs to somebody.
We have to take it to the authorities.
Our reward will be a hearty handshake and the warm feeling that comes with a job well done.
Let's stuff him in a mailbox.
And after that nice letter carrier let me out, we came straight here.
Well, the car's title has the three boys' names on it, Mr.
Legally, the $80,000 belongs to them.
Sheriff, are you sure? Sure as any man can be who had a bottle of Pinot Grigio for lunch.
What do you mean, sold? But my hard-earned bribe money was in that car.
l'll pulverize you.
You know you're not hitting me, right? Really? lt sounds like l am.
No, you're just stomping your foot and stroking me with the soft part of your arm.
lt's actually quite soothing.
So l had a talk with them and l'm confident they're going to use the money for the good of us all.
What's up? What is up with y'all? Milo, that was a $9 coffee table.
Here's a hunsky.
Keep the change.
No, no.
l'd rather you work it off doing chores and such.
Bob, are you nuts? They've got 80 large.
l want a taste.
This is the perfect opportunity for them to learn about putting others before yourself.
When they see us going without, they won't be able to enjoy that filthy lucre.
Watch it, mister! That's an $ 1 1 hi-fi.
Oh, Kyoko, the years are just melting away.
More unagi, please.
-That's eel.
-l know what it is.
Cancel the unagi.
You know, l've got a terrible crick in my neck.
Maybe-- Sorry.
You can't afford her.
So have you boys learned your lesson about sharing? He's poor as a church mouse.
Papa-san look like sushi.
-Mayor Bledsoe? -Hello.
ls your daddy home? Gosh dog it, l am the daddy.
Oh, well, l noticed a vintage government sedan out front and, as it happens, l'm something of a K-car nut.
Are you interested in selling? -l'll go as high as 2000.
-Well, l depend on that car to get to work.
-So l'm afraid-- -Sold! l can use this chump change to blot the oil off my forehead.
lt's not here.
Where is it? Where's my money? l want my money.
Do you think this has something to do with the 80 grand you found in that car? No.
l'm sure it's just all the years of steroid abuse.
Can l watch Velva the Warrior on one of those? -No.
-But you're both watching the same thing.
That's because we're rich.
-We are still rich, aren't we? -Stinking.
Here are your pancakes, sweetie.
Those look good.
Lay a stack on me, woman.
For selfish people, they're $ 1 000 a stack.
l'll sell you mine for $800.
Beth, l'm trying to teach the boys a lesson.
l'll give you both $200 to shut up.
-Boys l won't have you corrupting the womenfolk.
Why don't you let us enjoy our money? lt's not like it's hurting anyone.
Somebody threw a rock.
l bet it's those angry lesbians who live across the street.
Sheriff Pepper, thank God you're here.
Someone just threw a rock through our window.
Did it look anything like this? lt was a different window, but, yes, pretty much like that.
You're the one who threw the first rock.
That money you found is the mayor's bribe money.
Every public servant in the city gets a cut and we all want our share.
But, sheriff, you're the one who said the money belongs to my boys.
l can't force them to give it up.
-Did you just shock me? -l don't know.
Did it feel something like this? Stop doing that! Sure is cold in this house since the city shut off the gas.
l think l'm catching ammonia.
-lt's pneumonia, Beth.
-lt's too cold for silent P's.
Well, looks like they're finally picking up our garbage.
Guess now they realize what greedy gilberts they've been.
People are learning lessons all over the place.
Look, Bob, we have to give that money back.
Let me have a talk with the boys.
Biff, Chip, Milo.
-How come you guys aren't cold? -We bought special underwear from NASA.
lt also has a pee pouch.
l'm going right now.
Very good.
Listen, boys, maybe you should give the money back to the mayor especially in light of the nightmarish harassment.
Are you saying we have to give it back? No.
l'm just saying it's the right thing to do.
Oh, then forget it.
We'll let that percolate for a while.
What fresh hell is this? Attention, Oblongs.
Since we didn't get our kickbacks, please accept this gift of cats in heat.
This is too much! These pussies are really horny! Let's take our money and get the hell out of here.
l can't help but feel that you only like us now because we have money.
Want a foot massage? Hey, l wanna give him a foot massage! -l do! -Forget it! -Get off-- -Girls, girls, relax.
There's plenty of feet to go around.
Wow, a Jacuzzi full of M&M'S.
l could get used to this.
l hear the green ones make you randy.
Yeah, l'd appreciate if you didn't eat any of those.
And the best part is, they melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of armpits.
Coach, sparkler.
What fool said money can't buy happiness? This no longer pleases me.
Money fire! Money fire! Oh, my God, it's burning like paper! -Run! -You run! The candy! Somebody save the candy.
God help us if it spreads to the dirty gym clothes.
Too late.
-My babies, are you okay? -Yeah, but our money's not.
-Everyone's out, chief.
-Good, now let's watch her burn.
Wow, this is neat.
l hope there's a backdraft.
-Aren't you gonna put it out? -Sorry, no kicky-backy, no fire put-y out-y.
That didn't sound as good as l'd hoped.
Has the whole world gone crazy, or is it me? l've tried to teach my sons the value of giving and service to others.
But l guess my beliefs have gone the way of spats and the Betamax.
Greed and selfishness are the fashion of the day.
Well, you win.
l promise l'll pay back your dirty bribe money if it takes me the rest of my life.
l still believe in your stupid ways, Dad.
Yeah, me too.
l'm kind of ashamed.
Here, we've got $37 left.
All l've got is this Fabergé egg, but you're welcome to it.
-l guess l can spare a few bucks.
-l'll kick in.
-Me too.
-Here's some.
-Take this.
-How about this? lt's going to be a wonderful Christmas after all.
Bob, that's almost a year away.
l want a sweater.
Mayor, on behalf of the entire city, please accept this heartfelt bribe.
My God.
You poor, destitute people gave up your few meager dollars for me? l don't know what to say, except: Now let's put out that fire.
Oh, well, we'll get the next one.
Well, let's go home.
How? We can't all fit on that scooter, and l'm not making two trips.
Here, you can have your piece-of-crap sedan back.
l can't get the smell of you people out of it anyway.
l'd vote for him again.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]