The Old Guys (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

Sally´s Party

Punch.
Right how about this one? "The police raid a terraced house cos they know a killer's in there" Oh, Tom, please, no more lateral-thinking puzzles.
I don't want to think laterally at breakfast.
I just want to stare into the distance and eat bran.
Lateral thinking's gonna save us, Roy.
Alzheimer's is coming.
That's statistics.
One of us goes doolally, the other ends up with a prostate the size of a space-hopper.
Well, I choose Alzheimer's.
You can be the one with Dr Baxter's finger permanently up your passage.
My prostate is a thing of tiny beauty, thank you, Roy.
It's probably my best feature.
Anyway, you're the one who constantly needs a wee.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
All you ever do is wee, or make preparations for when and where you can next have a wee.
Everyone has to pass water, Tom.
Yeah, but not like you.
You pass gallons.
Where does it come from? All I hear in the night is, click, pad-pad-pad, click, wee-ee-ee click, pad-pad-pad, click.
Three times a night at least.
Well, that's enough wee talk.
It's not even nine o'clock.
OK, so, there's a mad killer in this house.
Ohhh! The police know that his name is Martin.
Inside they find a doctor, a farmer and a builder.
They immediately arrest the farmer.
Why? Well, I imagine the poor man has been driven mad by the Common Agricultural Policy.
Personally I hope they don't convict him.
He's not real, Roy! Anyway, that is the wrong answer! So you are now officially doomed to dementia! You're gonna forget your name and put your pants in the oven.
So, what is the answer? Why do they arrest the farmer? Because the killer's name is Martin and the doctor and the builder are women, you sexist.
A woman builder? Really? Yeah.
And she's Asian as well, you racist.
You old, frail, demented racist.
I shall be all right, Tom.
I look after myself.
I eat properly for a start, not like you.
Also, I exercise regularly, I walk every day.
I know, I hear you - click, pad-pad-pad-pad, click, wee-ee-ee.
I take a 40-minute walk every morning when I get the paper.
Why do you think I'm away so long? Well, I don't notice how long you're away.
I'm not in love with you.
Walking is effective low-impact exercise.
It's good for the heart.
Right, I see, you wanna outlive me.
You want me to die young.
Tom, you're not Sid Vicious.
At whatever age you do die from now on, you will not die young.
I'm not having you spending more days on Earth than me, Roy.
You'll only waste them eating bran.
Er, are you going for a walk this morning? Of course.
Where're you going? I'll come with you.
Well, I like to cut across the allotments.
They'll be planting their autumn onions.
It's fascinating.
Yeah! Shine on, you crazy diamond! You didn't bring in the recycling boxes, Tom.
That is your job.
It's part of your covenant with the planet.
Soil and rock can't sign a covenant, Roy.
That's Earth's fatal mistake, it hasn't got hands.
I'll bring them in tonight.
Hello, Roy.
Taking Tom for a walk? Yes! I hope he doesn't do his business on the pavement! I'm going to buy the drinks for my party.
Shopping for booze! I'm like one of those women on the new estate.
Bless them, though, it can't be easy.
Are you having a party? Uh-huh.
It's my son's 30th.
Thought I'd get the gang together - family, friends, some neighbours.
Sounds nice.
You haven't met Steve, have you? Very successful, good-looking.
No special lady in his life, though.
Can't seem to meet the right girl.
Oh, he's not gay.
I checked the favourites on his laptop.
Look, would you mind terribly giving me a hand over the next few days to get ready for the party? Certainly, I'd be happy to.
And I'd be happy to, too.
Super.
See you soon, lovely neighbours! So did she actually invite us to her party, then, or just to help out? Of course she invited us.
She wouldn't just use us as unpaid labour and then not invite us.
Well, she didn't ask us to her mulled-wine evening, and she borrowed three packs of cloves from me.
Three packs? I'm learning a lot about you today, Roy.
You have a secret walking regime and you hoard cloves.
You are a dark horse.
This is great, actually, isn't it, walking? I can see why you do this.
Just 40 minutes a day, but it does the trick.
It's the most basic thing that two men can do together, isn't it? Apart from having sex which I'm assuming we will never do.
This is what nature intended for us.
This is why we came down from the trees.
Absolutely.
I'd like to see two chimpanzees trying to walk through Beckenham allotments.
Heh heh, yeah! I actually would like to see that.
That would be funny.
Especially if they were dressed up like little businessmen, in little bowler hats.
Blimey, you do this every day? How can you cope with being this exhausted and incredibly bored every day? It does the job.
You need to focus.
Get in the zone.
All right, slow down.
Walk normally.
You're walking like a nutter.
What are you scared of? You can't walk away from yourself, you know? Ah-h! Lamp post! Lamp post, Tom! Agh! I think I almost left this realm there, Roy.
You were only unconscious for about 30 seconds.
I know, but I saw things when I was out.
Things that aren't normally shown to mortal man.
I can't remember what, but it was immense.
I think I saw a bright white tunnel and my mother calling me.
But your mother's not dead.
Exactly.
She was calling me back from this end of the tunnel.
Look, I'll make you some hot, sweet tea.
That's the best thing after you've had a fall.
OK, Roy, for the last time, stop saying I had a fall.
I fell.
Old people have a fall.
"Oh, no, Nan's had a fall.
Let's shoot her, put her house on the market.
" I simply tripped up like footballers do.
This is a sports injury.
I'm going out, Tom.
I'll see you later.
What, you mean out out? Properly out? I'm going over to Sally's to help her get ready for her party.
Oh, I see.
Nice.
While my feet are all twisted and crippled, you get your normal healthy feet under sexy Sally's table.
Tom, I've been acting as your carer for every minute of the last 48 hours.
I've cooked for you, I've taken you back and forth to the toilet, I've washed you, I've clipped your toenails, I've read Nigel Mansell - My Autobiography to you.
I need a break! Even Florence Nightingale used to nip outside sometimes for a fag and a KitKat! Yeah, but you can't leave me, though, Roy.
What if I need to go to the loo and I can't, and I wee myself dead.
Alone and dead, killed by my own bladder.
You're not alone.
Oh, what, you mean, I've still got my memories? Memories of what a big selfish git you are! No, I mean Amber's here.
Oh, yeah, sure, Amber's here.
That's your answer to everything.
But it's not the same as having you here.
She's not a proper person.
I made her.
You find your own children boring, that's a scientific fact.
Rabbits sometimes even eat theirs, they're so bored.
I don't want my daughter to take me to the toilet.
This is not a Ken Loach film.
I'll just be a couple of hours.
I'll see you very soon! Bye, Amber, dear.
OK, Dad, here's the situation.
I tried to make you a sandwich, it didn't work out.
Don't ask me the details, that's history, I'm not in the mood.
I am quite hungry, Amber.
So I made you some soup.
Well, it's gravy.
But you can call it beef soup if it makes you happy.
Can you believe that Roy has gone over to Sally's? He's bound to get invited to that party now.
I don't want to seem self-pitying, but why does everything bad in the entire world always happen to me? Roy just needs a little break from looking after you.
A bit of a respite.
You're quite full-on.
You're a bit "AAAAARGH!" Like a car alarm.
But why doesn't he wanna look after me, though? I'm his best friend.
You wait till he gets Alzheimer's, then the tables will turn.
I'll freak him out.
I'll speak Welsh and rearrange the furniture every night, put dark glasses on and tell him I'm Roy Orbison.
Roy Orbison wasn't Welsh.
Double freak-out! It looks as if there are a lot of people coming to this party.
Neighbours, eh, other people? Some neighbours, yes, Steve's friends, acting pals, all mixed up.
I hope everyone gets on.
They probably will because we're all from roughly the same social background.
Very wise.
People like us should stick together.
Ordinarily I'm the sort of person who invites everybody.
God, I even had the postman to my mulled-wine evening.
Really? But, eh, Steve's had some cosmetic work done recently and he's a bit self-conscious.
So I want, you know, sensitive souls around.
Oh, indeed.
Wasn't it the poet Shelley who said Right.
I'd better get these posted.
Oh, silly me, I almost forgot.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Tea towel.
For drying up.
Oh.
Ta-daa! Ta-doo! Ta-dee doo! What do you think, Roy? Brilliant or what?! Welcome to my leisure pod.
My pod du leisure.
Amber set it up.
I've got all the human essentials - tea, toasted sandwiches and the internet.
I need never, ever move again.
This is the future.
Moving around is for idiots.
Very ingenious.
It'll take the pressure off you a bit, Roy.
You can get back to doing all your Sudokus and all your other brilliant stuff.
So, did Sally invite you to the party? Er, she almost definitely did.
I mean, she didn't, but I think she most certainly will.
Hi! Flying visit.
I just popped in to see the invalid.
Oh, I'm so sorry you had a fall, Tom.
I didn't have a fall! This is a sports injury.
There you go.
Nice Belgian chocolates.
Don't eat them all at once.
Why? Well, I don't know.
People just say that, don't they? Maybe it only applies to diabetics.
Anyway, must dash.
Oh.
Silly.
Almost forgot.
Party invitation.
I do hope you're free, Amber.
Oh! I'd love you to come, meet my son Steve.
He's a wonderful boy, very handsome, pulling in 80K a year.
Oh.
Not that it matters, of course.
But it does matter, doesn't it? I mean, who wants to marry a tramp? I don't.
But fundamentally it doesn't matter.
And that's not even including bonuses.
Well, that is it.
I washed glasses, I moved furniture, I got spare chairs down from the loft, and still no invitation.
She obviously thinks I'm a social inferior.
Well, that's it.
I wouldn't go to that party now if she begged me.
I would.
Well, so would I.
But my point still stands.
What's in your sandwich? I'm experimenting with fillings.
This one's tinned mince and Dairylea.
It's pretty intense.
Look, will you be long on that thing, love? I'm playing an on-line drinking game with some students in Iowa.
They think I'm 26 and a woman.
I'm just quickly checking e-mails and I need to look at this guy's Facebook page.
There he is.
Oh, what do you think? Who's he? Sally's son.
Oh, he's gorgeous.
Really.
Good-looking guy.
I'm almost brutally heterosexual but I tell you, Amber, I would.
Fwoargh.
Oh.
Sally says I should say "Hi" before I meet him.
You don't think that would look a bit desperate? No, just saying hi isn't desperate.
You don't have to marry the guy.
Yeah, I'll just say hi.
Just nod.
Do a virtual internet nod.
Be cool and neutral like Switzerland, not sexually available like slutty Holland.
Sure, fine, just send a neutral message.
Be funny.
Tell him about yourself, your books.
Not too much, though.
People switch off.
Thanks.
Could you fetch us some more chocolate from the kitchen? There's a five-pack of Ripples hidden in the salad drawer.
Only if I can have one as well.
Sure, help yourself.
They're Roy's, knock yourself out.
What are you doing, Dad? Nothing.
You've finished my message to Steve.
I thought you might get logged out if you left it too long.
You've put that I'm up for casual fun 24/7! So? What's wrong with fun? Fun's good.
That means sex.
That means I'm up for casual sex all day every day.
Including Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Fun means sex.
Since when has fun meant sex? When did the Royal Marsden fun run become the Royal Marsden sex run? It didn't.
I'm up for casual fun.
What honestly do you think Steve will expect from that, honestly? I've just seen Sally coming back with crisps for the party.
Was she looking as sexy as usual? Or even sexier? She couldn't really be sexier, could she? Not unless you were actually having sex with her.
And she was making a sex face.
Oh-h Did Penny have a sex face? You know I don't like speaking about my ex-wife to you.
I know, but did she have a sex face? Yes.
What was it like? I'm doing it now! Blimey! Ah-ha, I've captured your weapons silo, you massive plum.
What are you playing? An on-line war game with Sally's son.
Only he thinks I'm Amber.
Why does he think you're Amber? You're not Amber.
Identity is a very fluid thing in the internet age, Roy.
So, what have you told him? I said I'm into on-line gaming, 24-hour fun and not talking about my feelings.
And I think he loves me.
Right, I'm going to have to pause there for a minute, wee.
Oh, not another wee! I still don't go as much as you, Roy.
You're still the Piddle King.
You say that, but I don't wee at all excessively for a man of my age.
In fact, I think I wee rather less than most of my contemporaries, including you.
All right, then, let's have a competition.
See who can go longest without having a wee.
That is absurd.
You see, you are a human drainpipe and you know you are.
All right, you're on and I am going to win because you've admitted already that you need a wee.
Yeah, but you need one as well, don't you, because you always need one? That is my entire point.
Oh, it's from Sally.
She would like some help with the sandwiches.
Well, you're not going? Well, I'm just thinking, if I work slowly and hang around until the guests arrive, I might be at the party by default.
Oh, nice plan.
Who needs dignity? You've been posing as your own daughter on the internet in order to have sex with a strange man's mother.
Yeah, anyone can use words to mean things.
That's the oldest trick in the book.
No, no, no, you're not going over there without me.
I know you, Bowden, the first thing you will do over at Sally's is have a lovely big wee.
I'm coming with you.
Tom Finnon is mobile again! Oh! I can't do this.
At the Thai Orchid they fold them into little boats.
That'll do as a raft.
So, need a wee, Roy? No, do you need one? No, I wouldn't have one if you paid me.
Neither would I.
Not many sandwiches, are there? I mean, for loads of people, these will be gone in seconds.
People go mental for sandwiches at parties.
Well, you've done sterling work.
Both of you.
Oh, look.
There's a rogue can of beer that hasn't made it to the fridge.
One of you should have it.
Tom, you have it.
Drink it all down, lovely liquid, lovely beer.
Er, no, thanks.
Do a little toast to Sally's party.
Don't you want to toast lovely Sally? Hang on, Tom.
Aren't you on painkillers? You shouldn't have alcohol with those.
No, you're right.
Roy, you do the toast.
To Sally's party.
Sally Go on, drink it all down.
Lovely liquid, lovely beer.
Well, looks like you're done.
Actually, Sally, I think we need more sandwiches.
I'll make some.
I really don't think there's any need, Roy, don't worry.
Look, it's only an hour until party time.
I think you should probably go home.
Right, OK.
Sorry, Sally.
But I really don't appreciate being unpaid labour and then being sent away.
I thought at least you would invite us to this party.
I'm sorry to swear, but bloody hell, Sally.
Just bloody hell.
Oh, you've, you've got mayonnaise on your shirt.
I thought you might like to go home and change before the party starts.
Oh.
Lovely.
Thank you.
Yes, yes, see you later.
Did you really think I wouldn't invite you guys? Particularly you, Roy, after all you've done.
No, of course not, it's this beer talking.
I'm a roaring drunk.
This beer.
I'm very reluctant to cry on a party day, Roy.
But that's, that's really Oh, nice work, Royston.
You made Sally cry.
Big wet tears flowing out like a stream, or a dripping tap, drip, drip, drip and a waterfall.
Shut up, Tom! Am I allowed to put some aftershave on? No.
No trips to the bathroom, or the bedroom, you might wee in your hot water bottle.
Well, we need to get going.
What are you doing? I'm just making a quick snack before we go back.
It's like a bleak sandwich desert over there.
There's no time, Tom.
We need to get there at the start, so as I can talk to Sally and make amends.
I cannot believe I made her cry.
It'll only take two seconds to eat this.
What's in it? Tinned tomatoes.
Fresh tomatoes.
Tomato paste and tomato ketchup.
I haven't got a name for it yet but if I did, it would probably feature the word Tomato.
Quite heavily.
Oh, God, this is going to taste so good.
I'll just eat this quickly and then we'll go.
Tom, you need to leave that for at least five minutes, otherwise it'll burn your mouth.
Tomatoes are notorious.
No, they're not.
Jack the Ripper was notorious.
Tomatoes are food.
Anyway, we need to go.
Tom, don't! Argh! Agh! I told you, you've burnt your mouth.
It's just like boiling water.
It's just so tasty.
Look, have some.
No, thank you.
I told you, Tom.
You just won't be told.
Oh, shut up.
Argh! Aaaargh! Why did you bite it again? You are mad! I bith it because itth's so tasty.
It's a really really tasty.
Mmmmm.
Let's get some more nibbles.
I must go and apologise to Sally.
And I can say "hi" to Steve.
Looks like he's hitting it off with Amber.
I could try and cement the relationship.
What the relationship? Thementh ith.
Roy, Tom.
OK, Dad.
Me and Steve are really hitting it off, but I think I might be coming over as too keen, so tell him there's always loads of guys after me.
Big guys.
Sending me things, nice things, but I'm elusive like a fox.
A sexy fox in the night or a stoat.
Not that.
You think of something, but not too weird.
Sally, I just wanted to say sorry for earlier.
There's no need, Roy, really.
Have you met my son, Steve.
Steve, this is Roy.
How do you do.
And this is Tom, Amber's father.
Mr Finnon, very pleased to meet you.
You have a very sweet daughter.
Pleased to meet you too, Steve.
I'm sorry.
Were you? Sorry, what? Tom, this really isn't funny.
Steve's had his teeth capped recently.
He's very self-conscious, so, please.
Don't be self-conscious Steve.
They look super.
Dad, for God's sake, stop it.
Is this supposed to be amusing? Amber, does he always speak like this? No.
He's just being incredibly rude for some reason.
No, you see, I made myself a toasted sandwich and I scalded my tongue.
You guys come with me.
Try the punch.
Shith! This isn't going really well, is it? Shall I get some ice for your mouth? Ithe, nithe.
Two ticks.
Thankth.
Damn.
Sorry, there's a queue, mate.
Oh, right, yes, sorry.
Ah-ha! Has he come as a pirate? I suspected you were off for a wee.
I just want to wash my hands.
Yeah? Well wash them in the kitchen, then.
Oh.
OK, Tom.
I admit it, I cannot go on.
You win.
I have to wee.
Me, too.
I have to wee as well.
I don't think I can wait for the loo here or make it back to our house.
Right.
There's only one solution.
Shove that table against the door.
I suppose, if he has actually burnt his mouth I really don't think he was mocking you, Steve.
He wouldn't be that subtle.
If he'd really wanted to mock you, he'd have mentioned your ears.
Gosh, all the sandwiches have gone already.
Yes.
People go mental for sandwiches at parties, I know I do.
Yes, me too.
Mental! Grrr, give me sandwiches, or I'll kill you! I'll thtab you in the fathe unless I get a sandwich.
That's funny.
That's funny because that's what people do, but exaggerated.
I'll get some more from the kitchen.
Ah-h.
This feels so good.
Thith feels tho good.
Who'd like another sandwich?