The Old Guys (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

The Therapist

1 So it's definitely all over with this Ben bloke then? Yeah.
He took me dry-slope skiing, so I was like, "Screw you.
" Roy, why are you lying on the carpet? Don't ask, don't tell.
That's me and Roy.
Here's your chips.
Roy? Well, I was sitting on the chair for ages, and I sort of slid on to the floor and then I rolled over and I quite liked lying face down, so I've stayed here for a while.
Fair dos.
All power to you.
You sure you're all right? Well, in truth I suppose I've been feeling low for the past year or so.
Ever since Penny left.
If you want, I can recommend this brilliant therapist I've started seeing.
Oh, God! Here we go.
Ned's amazing and cool, and seeing a therapist is no biggie.
It's just like meeting a mate for a chat in the pub.
Yeah, except it's always your round and his drink costs £60 and at closing time they cart you off in a straightjacket.
Well, thanks, Amber.
I'll certainly consider it.
I need to get a grip on myself.
Be better balanced, healthier.
Perhaps we could start a home-cooking rota, Tom, instead of chips every night? Mmm.
Fine.
If that's what you want, you lentil-munching fanatic.
Good.
It'll be fun.
I'll do the mains, you can do the starters.
And would say half an apple and a packet of cheese and onion crisps count as a starter? Cheese and onion crisps and an apple that takes me back! Christmas dinner, 1987.
Oh, more junk mail.
We can do without this, thank you very much! We've got enough executive garlic bread taxi vouchers! Get a proper job! Sorry! Sally? Sorry, I was just doing a bit of leafleting for the Save The Post Office campaign.
I didn't want to bother you.
It's never a bother from you, Sally! You can pop yourself through our letterbox any time.
How is the campaign? It sounds amazing.
Oh, going pretty well.
Lots of local interest, not just from beardy weirdies or the estate.
Real people too.
I've actually agreed to stand in the council election.
Oh, that is brilliant.
That is what we need, a real person standing for a real issue.
Hear, hear.
Not some man on a screen behind a desk spouting made-up words that nobody understands.
Well, thank you, Tom.
All I need now is a campaign manager.
No volunteers yet though.
Anyway, sorry to disturb you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Sally.
Hmm, campaign manager.
Perhaps I should volunteer.
I've often thought that at some point I might go into public life, leave my career behind to serve the people, like Vaclav Havel.
Was that one of your mates from the carpet wholesalers? I think it's a great idea, Roy.
Well, thank you, Amber! Maybe I'll do it.
Maybe I just will manage her campaign.
It's sort of mad, isn't it? What am I like?! You're like an old man who's so desperate to impress his sexy neighbour that he'll give up his free time on a lost cause.
That is exactly what you're like.
So Amber, anything come up since last week's session? Everything's come up.
It was a great first session, Ned.
I've been thinking a lot about what I should do with my life.
OK.
I've narrowed it down to four options.
One, have a baby.
Two, become a nun.
Three, give blood.
Like, loads of blood.
And four, stay working for the tobacco firm, but in a different department, maybe human resources.
Right.
So what do you think? Which one? Well, I can't tell you what to do with your life.
Right, sure.
I know the line.
I mean, what do you feel is right for you? You're not allowed to just tell me what to do for legal reasons, right? Cos if you tell me and it doesn't work out, I could sue for unhappiness.
It's really not like that.
I know, why don't I say the list again and you can tell me the right one but not using words.
So Baby? Nun? OK.
Blood? Job? Did you move your finger on "nun"? Tell me why you think you drew up that particular list.
It's not even on the list? OK, thank you.
I've got it.
Therapist.
You think I should become a therapist.
Because that's what you're doing, you're sitting there, being a therapist.
Am I right? I'm right, aren't I? Look, I really can't give you any direct advice.
Exactly.
Thank you.
My God, Roy, have you read this? Yes.
They're gonna close our post office.
The one we use.
It's gonna be closed.
It won't be open any more.
I know.
That is why Sally's standing for election.
Yeah, you know how now it's estate agents, post office, cafe? From July, it's gonna be estate agents, blank, cafe.
That's what we're looking at.
As Sally and I were explaining to you the other night.
But I thought you were spouting hot air.
I didn't think they were going to close it! You should read this Roy.
It's only when you actually read it written down that you will properly understand.
I don't need to read it.
I wrote it! And while you're reading it, fork this down yourself! Erm, what exactly is it? My starter.
Cheesy-eggy thing.
Finnan family recipe.
Eggs mixed up with grated cheese.
Cooked, obviously.
Plus, the special ingredient, salt! Oh, well, it's certainly cheesy and and eggy.
Salty too, eh? Yes, yes, you can certainly taste the salt.
Salt makes a meal, Roy.
That's my motto.
But, um, should it be so crunchy? You're bound to get a bit of shell in.
That's Jamie Oliver's whole thing.
Bish, bash, bosh, bit of shell, bit of basil, bit of bacteria, it all goes down the same cakehole.
Well, the main course is here, whenever you're ready.
That looks good.
Well, it's a very simple grilled lemon sole, new potatoes, roasted vegetables.
Oh, my God.
You've beaten me.
Well, I don't know about that, Tom.
It's not nearly as cheesy, or eggy and salty as yours.
Yours is good solid fare.
You know, the kind of thing that you might get at a top, top-rated open prison.
I can't eat any more.
It's too delicious.
It's making me sick.
I need a drink.
Gin and tonic? Thanks but actually I won't.
What? Well, I went to see Amber's therapist this morning and I've decided to try not drinking during the day.
You're seeing a therapist? Why don't you just talk to me? Well, because when I talk to you Tom, you just say, "Shut up and have a drink.
" Exactly.
It's good advice.
Now shut up and have a drink.
Please take a seat, Tom.
I don't think I will, thanks, Ned.
Clarkson.
So you're the big intellectual but you read books by Jeremy Clarkson? Doesn't really add up, does it, Ned? Let's focus on you.
But three.
That's a lot of Clarkson.
One is excusable, two is questionable.
But three? What were you expecting from the third? Perhaps we could start by you telling me why you're interested in having therapy? Call the dogs off, Ned.
That's what I'm here to say.
You're pinning me down.
My daughter, my mate, Roy.
Now you leave my people alone and I'll leave yours alone, OK? You're a friend of Roy Bowden's? Yes, and I tell him what to do.
You can't start telling him what to do as well, he'll get confused.
Surely it's up to Roy? The guy is incapable of making independent decisions.
He's admitted that by coming to see a therapist.
He's my patient, Tom.
Well, I saw him first.
I'm a qualified therapist.
So am I.
Are you? I could be.
I could go up Candy Mountain and get a certificate from Puff the Magic Dragon and start reeling in the freaks if I wanted to.
Look, if Amber and Roy feel they need to see someone then that's their decision.
Yeah, right, sure, and Amber tells Roy to come and Roy tells my mate Paul and Paul tells Barbara at the library and pretty soon everyone's joined the lizard people.
Meanwhile I'm sitting on my own in the pub with a shotgun trying to stop people talking to me about their feelings? Right! Hi there.
Save the Post Office Campaign.
Can we count on your vote or do you not give a toss? I'm afraid it's a no.
Thanks for calling.
"No"?! Who are you voting for? Tom I'm not telling you! You're not telling me? What are you, a child? Hello! How are you two getting on? Soon to be Councillor Sally, would you do me the honour of knocking on the next door with me? It'd be my pleasure, Campaign Manager! So, guess what? I've enrolled on a course to be a therapist.
Of course.
Another domino falls.
Freak in.
And freak out.
Aaahh! Good, bit more.
Freak in.
And freak out.
Aaargh waagh! Excellent.
Now, anything come up since last week? Well there's, the ongoing situation with Sally.
Your neighbour? Yes.
I have these feelings, these fantasies about her.
I think they're normal but I'm not quite sure.
Go on.
Well, I have this recurring dream where I'm in the bath and Sally appears at a window and she's 60 or 70 feet tall.
She's dressed in a shell suit.
.
And she plucks me out of the bath and, um, despite my protestations she eats me.
And it's it's it's very painful, but the more she mauls me the more aroused I become until, eventually I reach the point of no return, and at the same time, I die.
I see.
Well, um, what I want to know, Ned, is that normal? In a way, there's really no such thing as normal, is there? Oh, God.
I feel much better telling you all that.
Unburdened.
There's a famous book on your This whole area, I should let you have.
I think it's still legally available.
A famous book relating to me? I didn't know that I was so fascinating.
Um, could you drop it round? Roy! Oh, hello, friend.
I'm just off to my water aerobics class.
What are you up to? Oh, just on in the car park with another friend.
Aren't you going to introduce us? Well, friend one, meet friend two! We're all friends here.
I've thought about doing water aerobics.
You don't look as if you need them.
Well, neither do you.
I don't think you should.
Underwater press-ups, risk of drowning.
Although if you do, maybe I should come with you.
No trunks I can't remember which pants I've got on, but I think they're thick enough.
Not today, Roy, but as I'm single, I've got a fair amount of time.
Well, since I'm single, I have a bit of time too.
Look, I'd better go.
It was really nice to meet you, Friend Two.
Maybe I should give you a call, Friend One? Would you give your friend my number, Roy? So Sally's met Ned and he wants her number? Oh, nice work, Roy.
Great work! Yes it's not good, is it? Why do you insist on going off and doing things on your own? It always ends in disaster.
Well, I'm particularly worried because certain issues came up with Ned about my feelings for Sally.
Erm, do you think he'd tell her? Well, of course he will! That's why wise apples like me keep everything bottled up.
Nice and safe.
Locked down.
A problem shared is a problem that can subsequently be used against you.
That's my motto.
That's why I've been thinking that I should stop seeing Ned.
Although I can't tell him face to face first, because he hasn't trained me to deal with a situation like that yet, and second, because he wants Sally's phone number.
He'll smoke me out.
Text.
E-mail.
Fax.
That's one good thing about modern life you can get through it without hardly talking to anyone.
Yes.
A chummy farewell text.
Oh, here we go.
These are the results for Bromley, Beckenham Park.
Gresham, Neil Henry, People 4 Choice, 275.
Boooo! Boooo! I'm booing you cos I don't like you! Boooo! Marshall, Sally Teresa, Save The Post Office, 364.
Yesssss! We're all right! We're all right! We're all right! Why are you shouting that? It's Kinnock.
When Neil Kinnock won the election, he did it outside Downing Street.
Everyone thought it was a bit much but it was fine.
We're all right! I can assure you Neil Kinnock has never been Prime Minister.
Well, I beg to differ.
Southgate, Nicholas Reginald, Conservative Party 3,408.
Boooo! Boooo! Oh, Roy, I'm so sorry.
After all your hard work.
And yours.
And I suppose now I won't be seeing so much of you.
Yes, I suppose there is that.
Maybe I should have you round for dinner, Roy? A thank you.
Oh, that sounds Tell you what, why don't I cook for you both? It's my turn.
Cheer you both up.
Erm Comfort food is what you need! Especially you Roy! You can fall asleep in a massive bowl of mashed potato.
Err, Sally and Amber are waiting.
How's it going? It's fine, fine.
Tom your forehead? What? Wha? Oh, that.
It got a bit stuck on the oven shelf when I looked in.
I had to peel myself off.
Didn't feel a thing.
Little bit of forehead might have gone in the moussaka.
So, I, erm, finished my Therapy for Beginners book.
And you know what? There's nothing in it.
When you get to the end of the book there's no secret, nothing.
It's a scam.
Mmm.
I feel the same about water aerobics.
I mean, really? Aerobics, in the water? Why? And to be honest I'm not sure public facilities agree with me.
There were these enormous women in the changing room shaving their legs and, you know, I mean, I absolutely think they should be allowed in, but couldn't there be special hours? Ginger tiger prawn vol au vents, with scalloped head dresses, bathed in a witty lime brine, plus my own special crunchy topping.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you, right.
So, tell me, Roy, did you give him my number? The fox in the car park.
Oh, him! Oh, well, the thing about him, Sally, is that he's moving, err, to Canada.
Erm, out in the wilds.
Hmm.
A loner.
Yes, but not like a cowboy, more like a a serial killer.
But I've been thinking, you know, we should keep the Post Office campaign going.
And how about moving it up to another level? You and I take the Eurostar to Brussels for a long weekend, we stay in a very nice hotel, we have moules frites and so on and we try to raise awareness that way? - Mmm, err - Hah haha, yes! That's brilliant.
What do you think? Do you like them? I've got some brochures.
Mm Well it's salty.
That's my trademark! Food's great, isn't it? Do you think the cheese and onion crisps really go? Of course of course not! No, no, no! Why did I put the crisps in? The crisps were my idea and they don't bloody go! Stupid bloody crisps! Tom! What? Tom! What?! Ned's here.
He's just parking his car! What's he doing here? Well, perhaps he's come to talk about my farewell text? He can't see Sally.
If he sees Sally, that's it, they'll click.
He'll want her number.
You get rid of the witch doctor, I'll take care of Sally.
Err, listen, would you come up to my room quite urgently? What is it? Err it's personal.
It's not physical or emotional or horrible.
It's nice.
It's just upstairs.
Well, OK.
Ned! Hi, Roy.
Err, what do you want? Well, I was just dropping round the book you were interested in.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, thank you.
So, you didn't get my text? Oh, no.
I keep the phone switched off out of hours.
Oh, I see.
What was it about? Should we talk? Can I come in? Err, oh, sorry.
The door, you know, sometimes it jams up like this for no reason.
Oh! Oh, well done, well done! I've been meaning to get that fixed for ages and you've sorted it! Here we are My room.
The sanctum sanctorum.
Many try, but few gain access.
Yes.
So, what was it that was so urgent? Err, what indeed.
I wrote you a song for you.
Sally's Song.
Hello, Ned.
Hi, how are you doing? I'm fine, actually.
More to the point, how are you? Ah, fine, thanks.
You don't like the questions, do you? You don't like it when the hunter becomes the hunted.
Sorry? I've found you out.
I won't be coming to therapy any more.
So, how do you feel about that? Well, I feel quite surprised, I must say, I And how do you feel about that? About feeling surprised? Well I guess that's just a natural reaction And how do you feel about that? How do I feel about how do I feel about? And how do you feel about that? What are you? I'm sorry, your time is up.
That'll be one thousand English pounds please, and get out right now so you don't meet the next freak coming up the stairs! And then we went for a walk And then we went for a talk You and me were out there walking, and a-talking Just walking and talking And the bees were walking And the trees were talking And it feels like I could walk and talk with you and the bees forever - That was lovely.
- # And then we started rushing Ooooh! You and me were racing, across those fields of honey and love Trying to chase those bees back to the places above But we couldn't get there It's been a lovely evening, Tom, but sadly, I really do have to go.
Initially we couldn't get there! But then I think I found a way for us to get there Was it the prawns? Did you not like the prawns? They came from a guy with a van.
I've got a mobile number for him and everything.
No, no, they were lovely.
So salty.
But, sadly, I do If that's your decision, fine.
Oh, hello.
You're not in Canada.
No What a charming idea, but no.
Well, I'd, um I'd love a chat sometime.
OK.
Great.
Here's my number.
Bye.
Bye.
Sally.
Is that Sally? 70-foot shell-suit man-eating Sally? Oh.
Oh, well plenty more fish in the sea.
You mean you're not going to phone her? No.
As my client you have protection from those sort of messy cross-overs.
Ah, your text.
Oh, oh Don't read it, Ned! It was sent by a minion.
Err, err, I have these minions and they sometimes text on my behalf and they're quite unruly minions.
You don't want to see me any more? No, I Well, if that's how you really feel I've got a waiting list for Thursday mornings.
Forget him, Roy.
Call the psychic hotlines, at least they give you definite advice from ghosts.
I'd better go.
Yes, I suppose you better had.
And just cos Roy's no longer getting his melon twisted by you, doesn't mean you can go straight over the road and see Sally! OK She lives straight over the road? No! Thank you.
Straight over the road could mean any one of two or three houses.
He'll never find her.
Unless he knocks on each and every one and that just isn't possible.
I've lost Sally and now I've lost Ned.
What am I going to do, Tom? I I have feelings, I have issues.
Don't worry, old friend, I think I might have the solution.
What's that? Shut up and have a drink!