The Old Guys (2009) s01e03 Episode Script


1 Mmm.
I'm all orange, Roy! I've gone all orange, like an orange.
Well, I did tell you, Tom, never buy a cagoule from the Pound Shop.
Yeah, I guess.
You remember those scourers we got from there? Do I?! That's a washing-up session I won't forget in a hurry.
You don't think it's sad that we remember washing-up sessions, do you? I mean, I bet Mick Jagger and Keith Richards don't remember washing-up sessions.
They'd have got Bill Wyman to do all that.
What's this wine then? Can I have some? No.
This is my Wine Club Burgundy.
Now, you refused to join the Wine Club.
You said it was equivalent to joining The Waffen-SS, yeah, and there are parallels.
Anyway, I've got my own wine.
What? "Lambruno Sparkling Wine-Style Drink".
Crikey, you ARE poor.
I thought that brewery pension of yours would be kicking in around now? It has.
But it's tiny.
It's for a tiny amount.
It's like a pension for a tiny doll.
Well, these look incredibly boring.
This is my vintage cigarette card collection.
It's taken me years to get Yeah, I suspected it was something incredibly boring like that.
This is a pretty valuable collection, actually.
Yeah? I've never had a hobby.
Well, you must have had as a child? No, I never got into anything for long enough.
I had a Coronation mug for when the Queen got crowned and I thought I might collect Coronation mugs, but She simply never died.
Well, you could send off for a starter pack of these from my magazine.
It's an investment.
I picked them up from the old house when I popped round to Oh, no To see Penny? Oh, come on, Roy, please don't still be in love with your hideous ex.
I'm not, I'm not, I have complicated feelings.
Penny and Des are moving, so I wanted to see our lovely old place one last time.
She's going to bring round the rest of my things in a couple of days.
This is it, Tom.
It's over.
Don't you think it might perhaps have been over two years ago when you got divorced, Penny kept the house and Des started having vigorous sex with her in your bed? Yeah, but she still kept some of my model boats in the garage.
She couldn't let go of my Cutty Sark.
Do you see the significance? Not really, no.
Well, we were married a long time.
It's complex.
Speaking of which Do you realise that if you were married, this pension would almost double? What? And if you waive the right to your widow continuing to receive it, you get a lump sum of £8,000 upfront.
No! Eight grand for getting married? Well, that's it then, I'm getting married.
Oh, yes! And I'm going to become the new face of Louis Vuitton.
No seriously, Roy, I am.
You mean you'd actually get physically married just for some money? Whoever to? Well, I've got a huge choice.
I'm a big old fanny magnet.
Well, I think your fanny magnet might be interfering with your moral compass.
I mean Who in her right mind would marry you for a pension scam? Tonnes of women.
I'll just flick through my little old black book.
You haven't got an old black book.
Do you mean that pink exercise book? It's a book, Roy.
The colour doesn't matter.
And it's full of chicks desperate to marry me.
All those women in Brighton when I was 50 Alison, Emma, Crazy Carol.
I was beating them off, mate.
I had a beard, leather trousers and a water-bed.
I was IT, Roy.
I was totally IT on the south coast in the early nineties.
And you've been through the whole book and they've all said, "No"? It wasn't quite like that.
A lot of them are married.
And quite a lot of them are dead.
It's a lot more positive than you're making out.
There, OK! Oh, thank you, Amber.
Didn't you want to ask Amber about her new boss? Er, she She's got a new boss! Yes! I was just waiting for the right moment.
So how's your new boss, Amber? She's called Marianne, and she's incredible.
I was getting a little bit cynical about working in tobacco marketing, but she's really fired me up again.
I I want to be her.
I want to walk like her, and talk like her, and stand up and sit down like her.
I really want her to like me.
I'm sure she likes you.
You, you're very likeable.
That's what I like about you.
I'd love to be able to talk to her about some of my ideas, Roy.
I've got a hell of a lot of ideas.
Over fifteen.
You should get to know her outside work.
But she doesn't do normal, boring things like us.
She does amazing things, incredible things She rides a bike.
Go cycling with her, then.
But I can't ride a bike, Dad, can I? Of course you can.
Anyone can ride a bike.
Idiots, tiny children, Roy.
I never learned.
You never taught me.
Well, you never asked.
You seemed happy in your room.
I could teach you, Amber.
Dig out my old bike.
Oh, would you? Thanks, Roy.
Er, yeah, no, thanks, I'll do it, Roy.
I'll teach Amber.
I'm her Dad.
It's a classic Dad thing to do.
I could teach you how to spit a long way, too, if you like.
I mean, a long, long way.
I'm talking metres.
Just the cycling's fine, really.
Just pedal, Amber.
Ride it, ride the bike.
You're 27, just ride the bike.
No, don't fall off! I can't do it, Dad.
Balance, Amber.
No, don't not balance, balance! Look, look at that little girl over there.
She's only six and she can ride a bike.
I can't ride the bike! This is ridiculous.
How am I expected to balance on a thin piece of metal? It's an absurd suggestion.
Stupid bloody stupid bike! You just need to ride the bike, Amber.
I can't stress that enough.
Hello, lovely neighbours! Hello, Sally.
I've never seen you on a bicycle before, Sally.
Not that I remotely monitor everything that you do.
Bloody car's packed up again, hasn't it? Second time this month.
Cuh! Cars, eh? Cuh! "Motors".
More trouble than they're worth.
You don't drive, do you, Tom? No.
No, I don't.
Work's been a bit thin over the last few months so I can't afford to have it mended.
I've had to give up the gym membership as well, so Transport and exercise in one.
And it's free and environmentally friendly! Anyway, I'm off to another audition.
Wish me luck! Best of luck! Bye! Right, that's it.
I'm going to ask Sally to marry me.
Oh, no you're not.
Don't be mad.
That's madman talk.
It's the ideal solution, don't you see? She's skint, we can split the eight grand.
It's worth a go, eh? Caveat emptor - seize the day, yeah? "Buyer beware" is the English translation of "caveat emptor".
I don't think so, Roy.
Remember, I'm the one who's actually been to Portugal.
Wotcher! Hi, Tom.
Just saving a bit more money.
And the window man did tend to stare in.
I know, he's stared in at me before now.
I can only imagine how hard he'd stare in at you.
Um, Sally, there's something I wanted to ask you.
Will you Be sad when the Dalai Lama dies? Er Yes.
I suppose.
He seems a very gentle chap.
Me too.
I'm gonna hate it when he goes.
Bloody China! Thanks.
Bye, then.
Did she say yes? I've booked a stag weekend in Norfolk, paintballing with some exotic dancers.
I couldn't ask her, could I? My mouth went all dry.
Oh, dear.
It was like that time we did the Bank Holiday Cream Cracker Challenge.
Er, Amber rang, by the way.
Er, she wonders if I could take over teaching her to ride? She doesn't really want you there, Tom.
Is that all right? Yeah, sure, fine.
Why shouldn't it be all right? Careful! Are these my cards I sent off for? Yes, but don't get too excited about a starter pack.
They'll have put a lot of rubbish in.
What have you got? Um 1950's film stars, British birds? Dickens characters, a couple of cricketers.
What? Oh, my goodness.
What, Mr Micawber's hat? It's rubbish, isn't it? It looks like a pie.
No You've got Jack Hobbs.
The Wills 1928 Jack Hobbs.
How have you got this in a starter pack? This is very rare.
I had it years ago, but I lost it and I just need this one card to complete my collection.
Oh, right.
Do you? So, how much do you want for it? No, I want to keep it.
No, seriously, Tom, seriously! I just need this one card and my collection will be complete! Yeah, well, I could equally say, "I've got one card and I only need all of yours".
Is this about Amber wanting me to teach her? Are you punishing me? Right, you can have the Jack Hobson card Hobbs.
If you ask for it like a duck.
What, what, what do you mean? You know what I mean, Roy.
In a duck's voice.
Like a duck would speak if ducks spoke.
No, no.
Do you want the lovely rare card? Please may I have the card? Yeah, that's good, but that was like a mallard.
I was thinking more speckled teal It's higher.
Please, may I have the card? No, I'm still getting mallard.
You're not gonna give me it, whatever voice I do, are you? Do it like Woody Woodpecker.
Sod off, Tom! You didn't do the laugh.
Thanks, Roy.
You're much better at this than Dad.
He's very judgmental.
You're not judgmental, Roy.
No, no.
Perhaps if you didn't lean quite so far forward? You'd have made a great dad, Roy.
Why didn't you have children? Oh, it was Penny.
She couldn't Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, no, no She couldn't stand them.
Absolutely hated them.
Roy! Roy! I'm cycling! Yeah.
I'm cycling, Roy! Look at me! I'm a cyclist! Good work, good work.
I'm, I'm still holding on! Oh, my God! Get in! This is me! Look at me! I I'm riding a bike! Out of the way, you twat, I'm riding a bloody bike! Haven't finished.
Ahh! Lovely cheap lager.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, Costcutters.
Er, give me the can, Tom.
You know what today is.
It's Penny Brings My Stuff Day.
I, I want the place to be tidy.
Well, don't tidy up on her account.
Tell her to dump the stuff, and then sling her hook.
You need to break that link.
I know I do.
It's just And I think I know just the way for you to do it, my old friend.
And what's that? Marry me, Roy.
You're drunk.
What strength is this lager? 6.
Look, I mean it, Roy.
Civil partnership is the same as marriage.
If we were civilly partnered, I'd get my extra pension and we could split the eight grand, yeah? No way! No! What about all that bed stuff? No bed stuff.
We'd simply be marrying for tax concessions and state handouts, without any love or sex.
Like the Royal Family.
We wouldn't have to tell anyone, would we? No, it'll be our secret.
We'd be secretly married and everything would go on as normal and we wouldn't have to talk to each other and we'd be free to screw around.
It would be literally the perfect marriage.
So I'd get, er, £4,000 And, er, can, can I have that Jack Hobbs card? What, the card? You'd marry me for a cigarette card Like a GI bride? Yes.
OK, then.
To marriage.
Amber, isn't it? Hi.
Yes, it is.
Thank you.
Marianne Lee.
Yes, I know.
Thank you.
Doug Yates pointed you out.
Said you were one to watch.
Wow! Doug Yates? Bloody hell.
He pointed me out? Yep.
Which finger did he use? Idon't remember.
I didn't know you cycled.
Sure, yes.
I cycle.
I'm a cyclist.
I bike.
Nice piece of kit.
Is it new? Yeah, yeah, I wore my old one out.
Wore it into the ground with all my relentless bloody cycling.
Which way are you going? Exactly the same direction as you, I think.
Do you want to cycle together? Why the hell not? Oh You might just want to turn your helmet round the right way.
Yeah! Piss off! Stay away from me, I'm cycling, you bastard! They think they own the bloody road! I'm turning left here Are you coming this way? OK.
Coming down? Oh, yeah, down the steps, yep.
I'm going to die! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! Aaargh! So Pitch away.
Could we just take a bit of a breather here? Because I think I might need to be Not sick, but No, actually I've got to get going.
But erm, I'd really like to talk about some more stuff with you tomorrow.
Maybe we can go on a big cycle ride, up the A2, around Shooters Hill, the two of us.
What do you think? You betcha! A2 and a big hill.
The two of us.
On the bicycles.
Living the dream! Has she gone? Penny? Has she returned to her gingerbread house in the woods to roast a toddler? It's off, Tom.
What, she actually bit it off? No.
I told you this day would come.
No, our civil partnership.
I made a mistake.
I don't want to marry you.
There's still a chance of getting back with Penny.
Oh, for No, no, no, no, no! She said that she and Des have had a huge row.
They might be splitting up.
I knew she'd see through him, with his jeans and his hair and his blouson.
Oh, don't be an idiot, Roy.
You've just got cold feet.
It happens.
I'm sorry, Tom.
Our wedding is off.
She says we should talk more tonight on another bike ride, up a scary road and a big hill.
Oh, dear.
I mean, it's great, and I think she might even want to be friends with me, but I really can't cycle, Roy.
A horse could cycle better than me.
And their knees are on backwards.
Well, then, you have to forget cycling and engineer a situation where you can talk to her without having to ride a bike.
Get the bike out of the picture? Oh, Dad says you might be getting back with Penny? I think that's almost definitely happening.
Yes, it's very much on the cards.
Hello, Tom.
Hello, Sally.
Nice top.
Will you marry me for between three and four thousand pounds? Well, I didn't get that audition so I really could do with the money.
My car needs fixing again and I must catch up with my mortgage repayments.
I was threatened with bailiffs.
You don't want that.
They might cart your piano away.
Like a big, bald, evil Laurel and Hardy.
Oh, not the piano.
I've only just inherited it from my uncle.
It's a nice one too.
It's a Bluthner, 1920s.
Worth a few bob.
Shame to lose it.
Marriage, though? It's still quite an odd solution.
We would get divorced, very soon afterwards? Of course.
This is just a scam.
It's just about the cash.
And only the cash? Absolutely.
There's no ulterior motive.
I don't find you at all attractive.
I actually think of you like you're a man.
A beery, beardy man, with a pipe.
Or just a sort of sexual blank.
Well, OK, I'll think about it, Tom.
I'll have a shave, fill my pipe and give it some serious thought.
I'm getting married in the Morning! Not literally the morning, but soon! I'm getting married! Tsch.
I'm getting married! Tsch.
La-la la, la, la-la.
Wedding! No, Tom, I told you, I'm not going to marry you.
You? You're yesterday's news, mate.
I'm Brad Pitt and you're Jennifer Aniston.
And I've gone off with Angela Lansbury! I am marrying Sally.
No! Well, you asked her? Yep! And she said yes? Yep, yep, yep! You're going to be Sally's husband? Indeed I am.
I'll probably have to live with her for a month, at least, just to prove it to the Home Office.
I wonder if they'll come round to check whether we're having actual sex? Maybe they've got infrared cameras.
Hang on Is, is, is that Penny, going into that carpet shop? She's with Des.
Well, they can't be back together, not so soon.
They, they, they're not together are they? She implied they weren't AT ALL together! Yep, the arse slap.
The international sign of a healthy, ongoing relationship.
Great! Oh, brilliant! Should've married me when you had the chance! Oh God.
Oh, no, what happened? Some bastard has run over my bike.
Completely run over it, deliberately.
Oh, the bastards.
That's such a bastard thing to do.
Those bastards.
For God's sake.
I know - I've brought my car in today.
I've done so much cycling lately I thought I'd give it a miss today.
Would you like a lift home? Um, yes, er, OK, yes Sorry, thanks.
That would be great.
I'll deal with this tomorrow.
Ah, Tom! Just the man I wanted to see.
Yeah, I was just thinking, to make this wedding seem kosher, we should have a honeymoon.
Just for show.
We'd probably need to book only the one room, though, in case anyone checked.
I'd wear pyjamas.
Which means, you know, you needn't.
Oh, no Bailiffs? No, I sold it! You were right, it was valuable.
I had no idea till you mentioned it.
£11,000! Right.
So I won't need to take you up on your kind offer after all.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Tom, I know you won't get your money, but, well, on the up side, you won't have to go on honeymoon with a bearded sexual blank! Yeah! Phew! Lucky me! So, we sponsor a cycle race or a cycling day Yes.
As part of the whole harm-reduction strategy "Don't smoke Cycle" but with our logo everywhere? "Stop puffing, start pedalling"! You know, I'm not hating that.
I'm not hating that a lot.
Really? I'd like to hear some more stuff from you.
Dinner on Tuesday? Sure.
I like dinner.
Here we are.
Is this you? Yes, I'm just here.
Thanks again for the lift.
This is it then.
Married in an hour.
We should have chosen our own vows.
It's too late now.
Yeah, but these are all really lovey-dovey.
"I promise to share with you all my joys and sorrows, "to walk with you in the fair weather and the snow.
" I'm not promising to walk in the snow.
I might break a hip.
We should have just chosen to say, "I promise to be your big mate and keep an eye open for you "and always stand my round, and never go on and on about my feelings.
" Shall we go to the pub, a quick drink? Yeah.
Take the edge off.
We won't get drunk.
Just a half.
Just a half.
You see, the thing about Sally is, I reckon she's scared of her feelings for me.
See, what I've done is, I've awakened the animal in her And she wants the animal to go back to sleep.
But animals don't like sleeping, Roy.
Well, cats do.
Hello, Amber.
I'm not drunk.
What? Oh, bugger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're on our way.
We're gonna to miss our slot.
Come on, Roy, let's roll.
Wedding time.
No, Tom, I'm not going to marry you.
Roy, shush, men are looking.
I don't care.
What about Jack Hobbs? Screw Jack Hobbs! I'm not going to marry you just to get my hands on Jack Hobbs.
Men are definitely looking now.
Sorry we're late, vicar.
I'm afraid you've missed your appointment time, you'll just have to schedule another date.
Come on, we paid hard cash.
Don't be a dick.
We want to get married.
No, we don't.
I don't.
Come on, Roy, we talked about this in the pub, now get a grip.
I don't want to marry you.
Yes, you do.
It'll only take a few minutes.
Now shut your gob and get married.
I really don't want to, Amber.
It's not right, because I don't love him! Oh, you don't have to get married, Roy.
Yes, he does! I've got four grand riding on this.
I'm going home! Oi! Don't you dare jilt me, Roy Bowden! I don't want to marry you! Oh, shut up.
Shut it.
Shut up.
Right! You, marry us now or I will kill Roy.
I will suffocate him to death.
Oh, right! Stare at me like I'M the lunatic.
Hey, hey! Woo! There you go.
Sorry for almost suffocating you.
Oh, thanks, Tom.
I'm sorry for not marrying you.
How about going home for a Wednesday afternoon special? Diagnosis Murder And a mini pizza? You're on.