The Old Guys (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

Tom Moves Out

1 I'd like to finally give the house a name.
What sort of name? Geoff? Duncan? Horatio Hornblower? No, a proper house name.
44 is so anonymous, Penny and my place was called Monks Nook.
I remember, it managed to sound incredibly boring and slightly disgusting at the same time.
Tom, Roy, on your way to the brand new deli? Yep, reconnaissance mission, we're like commandos.
Of houmous.
It's so exciting we couldn't sleep, you heard me, didn't you, Roy? He kept checking what time it was.
So, I had some good news about that advert audition I went for.
The toilet tissue one? Did you get it? Snooty queue woman two.
No, the good news is they passed, but I'm thinking maybe this is just what I needed, to finally make me focus on my real passion.
What - the endless cleaning of your windows? No, silly, my painting.
I'm thinking I should get back to my oils.
What do you think? There's some talent there, isn't there, to nurture? Well, I'm sure there is, Sally.
I mean you're probably wasted an as actress, you've a very acute eye, Pollock, but not so messy.
Yes, you're very, very brilliant.
Bless you.
Did you know she painted? No idea.
Oh, my goodness, Tom.
Marks out of ten, flavour and consistency.
Moist and moreish.
Nine.
Coffee? Like molten gold.
Proprietor.
Oh, so confident now with a chance of becoming overbearing later, needs careful handling.
So what are you making of my delicious cake, friend? Little dry.
Oh, and the coffee? Well, it's quaffable, but not transcendent.
Oh dear.
Maybe I should take a look at my whole operation.
No, don't change.
No, no, don't change, we like dry cake and mediocre coffee.
That's what we like.
Ha-ha-ha! Don't worry, old timers, I won't change, not on the word of the first Tom, Dick or Harriet that blows in.
Pleased to meet you.
Rajan.
I'm Yeah, and he's pleased to meet you as well, as am I.
Did you have to be quite so unfriendly? We're going to be in here lots.
Boundaries, Roy, once crossed, lost.
One minute he's calling us by our names and the next we come home to find him loofahing his feet in our bath tub.
Oh, my god! Well, this is incredible.
If it's an offer for those weatherproof walking trousers, be warned.
The only place they walk is scrunching right up into your My flat, the application, it's come through.
You what? I put myself on the Housing Association waiting list years ago, when I was living in Carol's shed.
It says a flat's available immediately.
Gosh, a flat.
Well, your own flat, so what are you gonna do? I've got to take it, haven't I? I suppose.
We'll finally be out of each other's hair.
True.
Yes.
I'm pleased.
Are you pleased? Of course I'm pleased.
You only really moved in with me as a stop gap, although it's an accident we even know one another.
It was the wives, Penny and Fiona, the witches of Prestwick.
Yeah, and they don't speak to each other any more because mine's dead and yours is in Chislehurst, which is practically the same thing.
I'll get all my stuff together, my bike bits out the garage, my running machine, my carp.
Should I take the carp or will you have the carp? Tom, are you going to be all right, you've never lived on your own before, have you? Of course I'll be all right.
Finally, my own flat, I get to do things my way.
No cooker, no kettle, just a soda stream, everything fizzy.
Fizzy milk, Roy, the dream.
Oh, hi, Sally.
Tom? Great to see you.
Come on in.
I can come back later if you're busy.
No, just doing a bit of the urban triathlon, running, drinking and darting.
It's certainly minimalist, you should have said, I've got a horrible chair you might like.
No, it's perfect, it's a blank canvas, I could do anything with this place.
I could host a literacy salon, start a political movement, house a community squash court.
I don't want to get above myself Sally, but I think this flat could change the course of human history.
What's that? Oh, that's just my brilliant burglar alarm, it does that every seven minutes or so.
I'm not sure if it's broken or if it's a feature to remind you that you're alive, either way I like it.
No, that's a good feature.
Look, I've popped in to give you a little present.
Oh.
Wow.
It's from that photo, isn't it? It's amazing.
Just my art, do you really like it? Like it? I don't like it.
I love it.
Only problem is, can't think where I'd put it? Well, you could maybe put it on any one of these bare walls.
Oh, yes, yes, that's a point.
I hadn't thought of that.
The artist's eye, one of the walls, brilliant.
Yeah I was just passing, haven't seen you down the deli.
Oh, you been hanging round the deli waiting for me, that's very sweet.
Had lots on.
Yeah, me too - busy, busy, busy.
Oh, my god, this is all different.
Well, it's all sort of nice.
Well, I always talked about redecorating.
Yeah, but you always talked about writing a comic opera set in the carpet wholesalers, I didn't think you'd ever actually do it.
Well, there you are.
We were going to redecorate together.
But you always wanted to paint everything black like a cave.
Yeah, but that was just a basis for negotiation.
Anyway this is all fine, but my place is amazing.
I'm going all arty with it because of course Sally popped round yesterday to drop off a present, a portrait and not just of any random man from history, a portrait of me.
Yeah, it's pretty incredible that she should go to that much effort, but Oh, my god.
It's hideous.
It's even worse than mine, and I'm not being rude, mine is truly appalling.
I ate my breakfast looking at it this morning and I very nearly had a physical reaction.
It's great you could make it.
It's always good to have a house warming although it doesn't really need warming, it's so cosy already.
This is the living room or should I say community centre slash poetry slam arena? That's a security feature which reminds you you're alive and should remain anxious and alert throughout this terrifying century.
And here we have the master bedroom.
I never thought you'd actually do it.
Isn't it a bit scary? It's comforting.
Theoretically, it's comforting.
The comfort of the womb.
A dark black womb suffocating you forever.
Exactly.
You really sleep in here? Currently not because obviously it's so dark and frightening.
Tom, let me sort this.
My sister has got one of these.
No, Roy, no, no, don't touch it! Oh, no! I did have a piece of paper with the code, but I binned it cos I thought of an easy way to remember it.
It's a year.
When was the Battle of Bosworth Field? Think of the Battle of Bosworth Field plus ten.
When was Bosworth Field, Roy? Er Bosworth plus ten, come on! Oh, for god's sake, you're hopeless, you're ruining everything! 1485 I think.
One four eight five.
No, wrong! Oh, god.
Look, all right, all right, it's going be all right.
It stops on its own if we all just stay totally motionless.
Motionless? Yes, we can all sit round the table totally still and we can have a nice relaxing dinner.
Now, come and sit down.
Right, now, if everyone can just See all we have to do is not move very much at all and everything's going to be fine.
The motion sensor can't see us if we don't move.
Like in Jurassic Park? Exactly, it's like we're having a relaxing picnic in Jurassic Park.
Now, I'll just pass this pizza along under the table and the motion sensor won't know a darn thing about it.
Will your flat allow us to chew? Yes, of course, just not violently or suddenly.
Now, pass this pepperoni along, Steve.
Amber, I'd love a glass of red.
Easy, Amber, easy! You're moving too quick, you're getting greedy.
Tom, this has been a lovely evening.
No, don't go, I can sort this.
We'll not let the flat win, the flat is not going to defeat us.
There is a way out of this, there's a safe zone where the flat can't see us.
Are you all up for this? I'm quite hungry and thirsty.
Come on, follow me.
Do not deviate from my route.
This is rather exciting, isn't it, Roy? A bit like potholing.
I've never potholed.
After my marriage I've never wanted to get stuck in a dark, cold place ever again.
Right, we have now entered the secure area.
Carp? In the bath?! Yeah, they love it.
I guess they feel like some kind of crazy futuristic space carp in there.
You put my painting in here? Yes, it's great because it looks so much like me that I can actually use it as a mirror.
Four seasons? Mmmmmm, god.
I know, this falafel.
Fragrant yet forceful, like Kirsty Wark.
I don't think I ever really understood butternut squash before, but he's really opened me up to it.
My guys.
Rajan, how is business? Oh, pretty good, pretty good, no worries here.
No, I think so long as China can keep the price of raw materials from the Horn of Africa in check and the American consumer gets back on a spending roll so the bank regains liquidity across the EU, then customers will be rolling.
End of the week, I'm hoping.
Fingers crossed.
Well, not to worry, all your fare is delicious.
This falafel is great and my friend is nuts about his butternut squash.
What are you doing, Roy? Don't get too close, I don't want him knowing intimate details.
What, that you like butternut squash? Yes, personal information that could be logged and used against me.
Does Rajan like butternut squash? I've no idea.
Do I like butternut squash? Yes.
He knows my weaknesses.
He could make a butternut squash soup especially for me.
But you'd like that.
Exactly.
He's got me right where he wants me.
Right, I need to go, I've got things to do.
You mean this is the time they sell the out of date yoghurt cheap at Sainsbury's? I'll see you tomorrow round at mine.
Fulham CSK Sophia "El Classico".
Don't be late.
Actually, Tom, about your kind invite, I was thinking of watching the match at my place.
Well, what's wrong with my place? You mean the screaming cave? Also I've asked Steve over to watch the match with me.
Steve? You've nobbled Steve.
I can't believe you, Roy.
I haven't nobbled Steve.
Yes, you have, you've contacted him directly.
Steve's mine, he's going out with my daughter.
If you want a piece of Steve, you go through me, I discovered him.
He's my peat bog man.
Hello? Tom, I just wondered if you were gonna come over and watch the match after all? Er, no, I don't think so.
It's just that Steve hasn't turned up.
You don't happen to know where he is by any chance? No, sorry, mate.
There you go, easy.
Now just slide up onto the chair.
There's not enough enforced stillness in modern life.
Nothing doing with the reception? No, that just might be how it is in Bulgaria, very snowy.
Fancy another beer? Don't get up! Sorry to shout, but, you know, the all seeing eye.
Right, I wasn't going to walk obviously.
Yeah, well, we both know you can't get to the fridge and back, Steve, not before half time.
It's an hour round trip.
Oh, go to the off license, if you insist.
There's a safe route to the door.
Help yourself to kettle chips and I'll just go and get you a nice, cold, premium lager.
Great! Oh, and Roy, would you mind not telling Tom I came here? Won't say a word.
Thanks.
Hello? Tom, I just thought you'd like to know that Steve is round at my house and we're watching the game together as planned.
We're moving around freely in the manner of our choosing, like ballet dancers in a summer meadow.
This is man-rustling, Roy, you've started an illegal war.
Oh, come off your high horse, we both know this isn't really about, Steve.
Oh, really? Well, what is it about then, Detective Sergeant Freud? Steve is just bait, a worm on a hook.
Why don't you admit it, Tom, you miss me? Miss you.
What's there to miss about you, I don't even know you.
Nobody does and that's not because you're a fascinating enigma, but because you're a boring old crossword that nobody can be bothered to finish.
Right.
I'm hereby issuing a citizens divorce.
Fine.
Goodbye.
Is everything all right, Roy? Now, be honest with me.
You're not coping that well without Tom, are you? I don't need Tom.
I can make my own fun.
Like we used do in the Fifties before everything turned plastic.
Get a whole afternoon's pleasure from tossing a cork round a room.
Oh, sorry, Roy.
Don't worry, where are your cloths? There's no need.
Oh.
Sally, I prefer looking at it in there.
Really? Honestly? I sit in there lots so that I can gaze at it without distraction, you see, like this.
Dad? Oh, hi, Amber.
What are you doing? I'm just off down the leisure centre to have a shower.
Oh, right, OK.
No, I mean, what? It's only temporary.
I've got a carp in a bath, remember, Leonard and Cohen.
But, Dad, you've got to you're supposed to wear clothes when you're outside the house.
Oh, sorry, President Eisenhower, I didn't realise this was 1950 straight.
What's the big deal? The big deal is that if someone sees you wandering around with no trousers on you might get sectioned.
I've got trousers on, pyjama trousers.
Sorry, Dad, but, look, you've gotta move back in with Roy, you've just had a tiff.
This is like when you fell out over the jam.
Maybe that's where it all started.
He saw the hours I was spending with a toothpick, but would he get seedless? No.
Seedless wasn't good enough for him.
We have irreconcilable differences, Amber.
If you don't back soon, it might be too late.
A lodger? He wants a lodger? What, to have teacakes with and help him operate the mangle? It's 2005, for god's sake.
No, it's not, Dad.
Whatever, everyone stopped counting after 2000 when it got ridiculous.
The point is Roy's gone mad while I'm having the time of my life.
I'm really worried about Dad.
I just don't think he's coping well.
Just a bit more pointing and we're there.
I just think he needs not 24 hour care exactly, just company, you know.
Keep smiling.
Yes, I'm a bit worried about Roy too.
Arm.
Now we need to get them talking again, try and reason with them.
Maybe it would easier if we just tricked them.
Tricked them? You could ask to meet them both at the same place at the same time.
Oh, you mean reel them in using my allure? Yeah.
Yes, you could use your allure.
I mean, maybe initially just ask them both to meet for some lunch, and then if you need to turn on the allure.
Hmm.
I suppose it's true, my allure is quite strong for them.
Yeah, it's a strong allure, your allure.
Can I take a look? Sure, why not? Oh.
What do you think? I like it.
Then why did you make that noise? Oh, that's just the noise I make when I like things.
Amber, I'm going to ask you something now and I want you to be absolutely honest with me.
But do you think I can make it as a great a truly great artist? Well, honestly? Honestly I wonder whether maybe you should focus on something else.
Yes, thank you.
It is a bit odd, isn't it? Maybe a little.
I mean, I look a bit small and my head looks like a potato and my nose is all pointy.
Yes.
Yes, thank you.
What are you doing? I'm scrubbing it all out like you said.
No, Sally, no, I think you're great, honestly.
I mean, I just think you're probably more of a Michelangelo than a natural Da Vinci that's all I meant.
Oh, and the potato head and the pointy nose? I think they're good.
It's not you, it's me, probably I do have a potato-y head and a pecky little nose.
I only paint what I see, Amber.
Exactly.
Oh, Tom.
Roy.
I'd ask you to join me, but I'm expecting company, Sally to be precise.
But I'm here to meet Sally.
She came over in that sweater and asked me.
Very clever, she thinks she's tricked us.
How pathetic.
Sally's trying to help us.
God, this is seriously out of order.
Well, anyway, I'll find a seat elsewhere.
Well, I suppose, if you need Hey, Mr Falafel and Mrs Butternuts.
Would you like some falafel in your coffee, Mr Falafel? You see, I hope you're pleased.
What? Shall I squash some more butter into your nuts Mrs Butternut? Just kidding.
He's got us.
No more reading the paper silently in urban anonymity, no dying in peace in my own flat with the cat eating me without the whole community getting all up in my face.
It may be your dream, Tom, but it isn't mine, being eaten by a cat.
I don't mind people knowing things about me because I like human interaction.
There, I've said it.
Hence the ad.
Not had many takers, I presume? As a matter of fact, I haven't.
No doubt because of your amendment.
"Lodger wanted to share in house with retired gentleman.
"Must be high street honey.
" Well, you don't want a hulking great ugly lodger, do you? I'm not ashamed to say that I'm lonely.
Ah-ha-ha! So, you admit it, I win.
But you're not coping well either.
Amber told me you've taken to brushing your teeth on Conway Street.
Well, so what? There's carp in my bath.
Have you ever tried bathing with carp? They're very territorial animals.
Look, Tom, why don't we try to get the old team back together again? Is there any harm in me saying that in certain ways I miss you and I quite like you.
Coffee over here for Mr Lonely! I didn't eat your trainers, Roy.
Why would I eat your trainers? Oh, for god's sake! Take that, Sauron! Your evil eye can't see anything now, can it? Ha-ha! I'm victorious! I'm back, Roy, I'm home to save you from going insane.
Did you miss me? You don't have to answer, I know you did.
I'm back, baby, A-bong, a-bong, a-bong Who are you? And why are you bongering me on the head? Tom? Roy, why isn't this your head? Sorry, mate, must be a high street honey.
"Must be!" Read the small print.
It's good to be back, Roy.
And I know I've said some pretty harsh things lately, but I just wanted to say that I have sort of missed you.
Well, thank you, Tom.
And do you know what? I'm going to make it up to you by cooking you the meal of your dreams.
Gosh.
Just as long as your dream is barbequed carp.