The Old Guys (2009) s02e04 Episode Script


Hi, Tom.
I've only got a burst pipe in my bloody bathroom.
Nightmare! The floor's ruined.
I wondered if I could possibly use your shower, I'm going out later, you see.
Would that be OK? Er, yeah, sure.
I'll just go up, shall I? Yeah, absolutely.
Roy, Roy.
Wake up.
I think I'm asleep.
Am I dreaming? Is this reality? Say something that someone wouldn't say in a dream.
Say one of your usual boring things.
What is going on? What time is it? That'll do.
OK, now this is the thing.
Sally's here, nude, in our shower nude.
Sally?! Yeah, see, this is a dream, isn't it? That would simply never happen.
I think you probably were dreaming that, Tom.
You tend to dream that scenario an awful lot.
Is this the switch for the extractor fan just outside the door? Yes, yes, Sally.
That's the one.
Oh, hi, Roy, I'm just using your shower.
Er, you do that, er, carry on, Sally.
What do we do, Roy, what do we do? God has answered my mad prayer and now I don't know how to react.
Well, we don't go upstairs, we act normally, we remain calm, er, we keep warm.
We make a pot of tea.
Yes, yes, it's like the blitz, isn't it? But a brilliant, sexy blitz.
Guide me through this, Roy, cos I'm in a bit of a state.
I'm here for you, Tom, I'm here for you.
What is that shower stuff Sally uses? It smells so great.
I don't know, is it, erm, Xiang Xiang? No, I think Xiang Xiang was a panda.
You mean clang-clang.
And how are my favourite customers? Very well, thank you, Rajan.
I'm tugging your todgers.
In fact, I want to ask you a question.
Go ahead.
Do you guys like wrestling? Or opera? Or Coldplay? Or the Ideal Home Exhibition? Not all at once, no.
See, I have this contact who can get me tickets for any event, anywhere.
You like football? QPR? Liverpool? Derby County? Uruguay? I could go on, I will go on.
Portsmouth, Stoke City.
A-ha, good morning, sexy bum.
Please, Rajan, you dreadful man.
Hi, Sally.
Hi, Roy.
Hello, sexy bum.
I'll get those coffees.
Sally, tell me, do you care for Neil Diamond or monster trucks? How come Rajan can call her sexy bum and I can't? Well, Rajan can carry off lots of things.
Pink shirts, stubble, ribald flirting.
Yeah, I guess.
Also maybe it's because when he says sexy bum, he looks at her face whereas when you say it Right, I look mainly at her bum, don't I? Tom, cappuccino, extra shot.
Roy, skinny latte.
Thank you very much.
And no sugar, Roy, is that right? No, I'm sweet enough already.
And mildly diabetic, I thought.
Yeah, no, that is true.
I've had some good news.
The loss adjustors looked at my bathroom and the insurance are going to pay the full cost of the repairs.
That's great, scamming the insurance guys, nice one.
It's not a scam, Tom.
I am insured against burst pipes.
Sure, like it.
My builder thinks it'll take about a week, but I don't think it's going to work, my coming over to you for a shower every day.
So, I was going to ask if I could come and live with you for a week or so? Live with us?! In our house? With us? Well, feel free to say no.
Yes! Well, yes-ity yes! It'll be fantastic, be like a film, like a feel good film, like The Fabulous Baker Boys with me as the sexy dissolute one and Roy as the fat one who does the VAT.
As long as you're sure.
Sally, our house is your house.
That's what friends and neighbours do for each other.
I remember during the war, when Mrs Caldercott at the end of our road was bombed out, my mother took her and her children in without a second thought.
Did she? How lovely.
Course, they did end up stealing from us.
One of the children broke my arm.
They were a bad lot.
The The older boy was later hanged, I believe.
But that's not the point.
The principle is you help those in need.
I brought the nice cushion up from downstairs to go on Sally's bed.
Yeah, and we should get some flowers in here.
I know it's a cliche to say all women like flowers, but all women do actually like flowers.
My ex didn't.
She wasn't keen on vases of cut flowers at all.
Wasn't she? She called them buckets of death.
She said just looking at them was like being in an abattoir.
What about scented candles? We could put some scented candles in here.
Women definitely like those, yes.
They have a thing about candles generally, don't they? Soft light.
And they turn the music down really quietly, don't they? When you're married, the evenings can often feel like you're partially-sighted and a bit deaf.
She's here, that's Sally.
It could be the guy with the lazy eye who leaves the Betterware catalogue.
No, the Betterware guy bangs on the door like he's seeking asylum from a hate mob.
That's Sally, all right.
I'm nervous about my cheese straws, will she like them? Sure.
Your cheese straws are the Rolls-Royce of cheese straws.
Thanks, Tom.
Old-fashioned and far too big.
These cheese straws are divine, Roy.
And so nicely huge.
What's your secret? Oh, I'd have to kill you if I told you.
Is it cayenne pepper? Yes, it is, actually.
We put some scented candles in your room, Sally.
Yes, yes, I noticed.
It smells like an aromatherapist's funeral.
I'm joking, it's a lovely touch.
For a lovely woman.
Oh, you've gone to so much trouble.
It was fun.
The pastry for the mini quiches took quite a while, but I enjoyed it.
Like Christmas.
Having you here, Sally, is like Christmas.
Christmas 1979, that was the best Christmas.
Amber had just been born and I was living in a squat with three performance poets and a ska band.
I loved the '70s.
An underrated decade.
20 million people would tune in to watch Peter Ustinov being interviewed.
Well, that wouldn't happen today.
If Peter Ustinov were alive today, the only way he'd get on TV would be to ice-skate naked while Ant and Dec fed him koala testicles.
Oh, that's my next batch of cheese straws.
Excuse me, Sally.
Of course.
It's going well, isn't it? I don't want to overstate things, but this has probably been the greatest three hours of my life.
And I was at Live Aid.
A week's too short, isn't it? We want her here longer.
Let's ask the builders to slow down.
Would they do that? Of course, they've always got other jobs they want to be getting on with.
We just ask them to put Sally's place on the back burner.
I don't want to have to negotiate with the builders, though, Tom.
Why not? Well, you know why not.
They're men.
Yeah, but we're men.
No, but they're proper men.
They probably go fishing at weekends and can change an indicator bulb.
They're proper blokes.
I can talk bloke.
I used to run a pub, remember? If there was any trouble, I'd go into this bit of the cellar and fasten the door with this special piece of wood I found.
But still, I could handle myself if I needed to.
I just preferred to crouch in my area.
Tom, I really don't want to go over there.
Oh, come on, Roy.
We're men, we genuinely are men.
We need to talk to the other men.
Look, if it gets awkward, we just go on about cars.
You don't Oh, come on, Royston.
It's time to wang-up.
What? Wang-up, mate.
Wang the hell up.
I don't want to wang-up.
Can't we wang-down? No such expression, Roy.
There he is.
What shall we say to him, vis-a-vis the timing? Well, don't say vis-a-vis, for a start, Professor Wordy Man.
That'll immediately mark us out as ponces.
Aah! Cars I don't drive, but they're really useful, aren't they? True enough, but try telling that to the bloody eco-Nazis.
Jamie Ashdown-Belmont, very pleased to meet you.
Sorry, we thought you were going to be a man.
I'm Tom and this is Roy.
Ah, you live over the road, don't you? I saw you last night putting things in Sally's skip.
It was an authorised deposit, we're friends of Sally.
She's staying with us and we sort of represent her.
Like Louis Walsh or Colonel Tom Parker.
Or Saddam's sons.
She's a very lovely lady.
Are either of you romantically attached to her? No.
No, well, Roy isn't, but there is this, you know, unspoken thing between her and me.
It's quite spectacularly unspoken, isn't it? Anyway, Jamie, we wanted to talk to you about this job, vis-a-vis the timing.
Wondering whether you had any other projects you might want to be getting on with.
Always other stuff on the roster, Tom, particularly at this time of year.
Conservatory season.
In the spring, a young man's thoughts turn to sex, a middle-aged man's thoughts turn to building an extra glass room to sit down in.
Well, Jamie, what we'd like is for you to apply the handbrake to this job, take an extra few days or even a week.
I see.
You like having the lovely Sally staying with you, want to extend the pleasure.
What's it worth? Worth? Oh, er Ah.
Would you drink this paint? Yes.
Tom? I was joking.
So was I! What are we like?! Course I'll delay this job.
Another week suit you? Great! Thank you, thank you! No sweat.
Fancy a coffee? Hope you don't mind instant.
No, I actually genuinely prefer it.
I'll get the cafetiere! I was joking again.
So was I again.
It's dark, isn't it, when you get up at 5am? It's like it's a joke and it's not morning at all.
But we needed the time to assemble the kedgeree and to squeeze the 17 oranges.
Shall we offer Sally a kipper? No.
Well, we'll keep the kipper on hold for now, we'll have the kipper in our back pocket.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Welcome to breakfast.
Thank you.
Wow, needn't have gone to all this trouble.
Oh, it's no trouble.
We, sort of, have this most mornings.
Really? Bacon, sausages Are those kidneys? And kedgeree.
Well, we think breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Who said that? Jesus.
Admittedly, that is a total guess.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
I saw my builder yesterday.
Yeah, nice bloke, isn't he? We bumped into him in the street.
Oh, he's officer class.
100 years ago, he'd have blown a whistle and I would have run into German machine gunfire without a second thought.
He's says it's going to take a bit longer, possibly up to a week.
Oh, really? That's, er, shocking.
Yes, that's what I thought.
In fact I'm wondering whether to fire him.
No, don't fire him, Sally.
No, it's probably the skirting boards.
The skirting boards are probably 8 mil.
8 mil? Yeah, and you probably know that all modern skirting boards are either 7 mil or 9 mil.
Which is a mil more.
Or less.
It's quite complicated.
Eh, so, breakfast.
Yeah, what can we offer you? Well, I might have half a slice of toast.
Have you got any marmalade? We don't, but we soon will have.
Oh, no, Roy, please, don't bother just for me.
No, I'll get both kinds.
The one with horrible little bits in and the plain stuff that's like bitter, boring jam.
Erm, Sally, could you possibly pass everything.
If you have further need of food and drink, I'm leaving my assistant in charge.
I'm off to a VIP preview of this year's boat show with Sally.
I see, so your ticket man has come up trumps again, has he? Yes, like Willy Wonka's golden ticket only one which provides loads of other useful tickets, rather than a frankly dull visit to a confectionery factory.
Anyway, better be off on my date.
Hold up, Rajan, this isn't a date.
A lunch time visit to a boat show isn't a date, Rajan.
For many people, that's a punishment.
Yeah, you're not dating Sally.
You might think you are, but you're not.
She wouldn't think of this as a date.
Well, I think it's a date mate.
It's not a date, is it, Tom? No way, it's a trip.
It's like when you took Mrs Ellis to that crystal energy healer, that wasn't a date.
That was just you humouring a mad, old woman with sciatica.
Certainly true.
It's going well with Sally and us, isn't it? Yeah, sure, it's terrific.
Mind you, I haven't broken wind in the house for days.
Me neither.
If I'd been married to Sally, I would have let one go in front of her by now.
Also, I've taken to going to the Red Lion in the evening to do my business because I haven't wanted to make toilet noise.
Right, but it is still great, though, yeah? Well, it's the dream, isn't it? Yeah, cos if it wasn't great, one of us would say.
I'd say or you would.
I'd definitely say.
Well, that's confirmed then, it's all great.
I am looking forward to the boat show, I must say.
Have you been before? I did quite a bit of sailing as a younger man.
For a while, I lived in Portsmouth.
What made you move? I lived in Portsmouth.
Well, I've never been to the boat show so I don't know what to expect.
You'll love it.
It's boats, boats and more boats.
If you're boat-o-phobic, go home now.
So, how's it going at Tim and Roy's? Good times? No.
No, not really.
It's a bit Well, I have a real need to escape, if I'm honest.
That's why it's so great to be out and about with you.
Do they pester you in a sexualised manner? No, no, it's just so formal there.
I feel I have to wear make-up all the time and sit up straight and eat huge meals.
It's like they're fattening me up for Christmas.
And they watch that dirty programme, How To Look Good Naked.
Oh, that's not dirty.
That's just a camp, gay guy squeezing the naked bosoms of overweight ladies.
That does actually sound a bit dirty, doesn't it? Hey, I just had a close call.
I was checking my e-mails and I nearly clicked on a link to the BBC News.
Oh, you don't want to do that.
I didn't though.
I like our "no news in the day" rule.
No, absolutely.
It maintains the drama like in the old days.
News on the internet spoils the proper 10 O'clock News.
If there's a deranged panther eating people on the Pennine Way, you want Huw Edwards to tell you about it, not some work experience internet twonk.
Didn't Sally already wash up the breakfast things? Yes, but she sort of dumped plates in the dishwasher with stuff on.
Microscopic bits of egg have got all over everywhere.
It's no big deal.
Oh, didn't I put all that in the dishwasher? Yes, but it's a silly old machine, Sally.
It just stopped halfway through, the stupid thing.
Oh, well I know a chap who fixes them.
I'll call him, he's extremely expensive, but reliable.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, by the way, did you hear the news? About the massive reshuffle of the shadow cabinet? Amazing.
Transport, health, defence, foreign secretary.
Big story.
I saw it online.
Right, thanks.
Don't worry, Tom.
Hopefully, between now and 10 o'clock, someone quite famous would have died.
Well, that was lovely, again.
Who'd have thought I'd be having so many high teas, so VERY many.
I love it.
Well, it's our pleasure.
You had another trip out with Rajan yesterday, didn't you? Yes, he managed to get brilliant tickets for a matinee of Oliver! Lovely.
I like Oliver! It explores some very dark themes like anti-Semitism and child exploitation.
But everyone's singing so it doesn't ruin your afternoon.
Ah, that'll be Rajan.
Are you going out with Rajan again? Yes, he's managed to get us into the Monet exhibition.
Tickets are very rare, they're going on eBay for a fortune.
I know, Roy made a joke about it.
Was it a pun on Monet and money? Essentially, yes.
Well, that does sound funny.
Would you mind entertaining Rajan for two minutes while I freshen up? Rajan, come in.
I hope you've been enjoying your trips out with Sally? Our dates, yes, I have very much.
They're not dates, Rajan.
Because they happen in the daytime.
Dates happen in the evening.
Like fireworks and getting mugged.
OK, well, tomorrow evening, I'm taking Sally to Ronnie Scott's, OK? And after that who knows? And do you know why I will keep taking her out? Go on.
Because, A, I have an unlimited supply of rare tickets to various pleasurable events.
And, B, Sally can't stand living with you.
What?! No way! Living here is driving her crazy.
Like she's a crazy mule.
She's desperate to escape your house.
I think she may even be digging a tunnel.
Sally likes it here! She likes it anywhere but here.
And that's where I take her.
Oh, hi, Rajan.
Shall we, er, head on out? Yes, let's do that sexy bum.
Rajan, please! This is do-able, we could totally do this.
Oh, I don't know about this, Tom, finishing the job ourselves.
We've got no choice.
Snob the Builder won't be available for another week, and we've just got to get Sally safely back inside her own house.
Otherwise, big, bad wolf Rajan will huff, and he'll puff, and he'll go to bed with her.
Not necessarily in that order.
But we're not builders, we can't lay flooring or plaster walls.
Do you remember that Ikea bookcase? You almost lost a finger, I said a swear word I never knew I knew.
Fitting this flooring's easy.
I've seen them do it on those property shows.
It's like a jigsaw, but where all the edges are straight.
A big jigsaw for idiots! But what about the plastering? Look, I worked on a building site in the '60s, lifting stuff up, carrying stuff, putting stuff down, all the main manual movements.
But did you actually do plastering? Yes, a bit, I was quite good.
It's not that hard.
It's smearing, basically.
Smearing a soft thing onto a hard thing.
Trust me, if you can butter an oatcake, you can plaster a wall.
Oh! Where's Sally? Upstairs getting ready to go to Ronnie Scott's with Rajan.
You need to see the bathroom.
Tom, what have you done? It's not smooth, is it? I need you to see it.
Ha ha, got you! Well, it's great.
It's really great.
Course it is, cos I'm a plastering genius.
All it needs is a lick of paint.
Posh chummy can do that and Bob's your whatsname.
Tom, I'm sorry I doubted you and I apologise.
Roy, many years ago, there was a simple manual labourer whose closest friends also doubted him.
Tom, I hope you're not really comparing yourself to Jesus.
Well, I was thinking of Jimmy Nail in Auf Wiedersehen Pet, but now you come to mention it So, you ready for Ronnie Scott's? I warn you, it might go on quite late.
We jazzers are nocturnal guys, though I do need to be up at seven for a delivery of houmous.
Well, if we're late, we're late, I'm over 21.
Only just, hop in.
Ah, just off to jazz it up.
See you later, or might not.
Don't wait up.
No, don't wait up, guys.
Oh, Sally, meant to tell you.
Jamie's finished at your place, your bathroom's done.
Done? Really? I'm sure he'd probably like you to have a look and sign it off now.
Of course, yes.
Oh, Rajan do you mind terribly if we cancel our trip out tonight? "Trip", Rajan.
Your "trip" out.
It's just I'd love to see my new bathroom and have a long, hot bath, and, you know, just be in my own space again.
No, sure, I understand.
Another time.
Oh, how exciting, I'll go over now.
Do that, Sally, enjoy! What I'm most excited to see is how well he's done the exposed brick wall.
The exposed brick wall?! Yes, the wall by the window.
He was going to strip it back to the bare brick and seal it, can't wait to see how it looks.