The Other Guy (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

Mothers Day

STEVIE: Oi, what even is the World Bank? AJ: You know what, I don't think I have an account.
STEVIE: What's money, though? Like, it's It's pretty weird, when you think about it.
Mmm.
Oh, you got your tax return, did you? Yeah.
It's not often I see four digits in my bank account.
- Ow! Bro.
- That was bad.
You know, money's pretty much just credits in a video game dished out by corporate criminals - in cahoots with the government.
- Fuckin' totally.
Nice one.
Nothing's real, though, is it? Like That's not real.
That's not real.
It's all just the essence of a memory.
Fuck! We're getting robbed.
- We're getting robbed! - Calm down.
It's probably just a mum who's gotten lost looking for a yoga studio, happens all the time.
Hey, Aaron.
Aaron Real estate.
Real estate? Is he hot? - Oh, hide the drugs! - The drugs! Come on! Shit.
- Jesus.
Oh, fucking hell! - Sorry.
- Hey, Aaron! - We'll be up in a sec! - We were just having some - Yep, we're coming! smashed avocado.
And we were just discussing the Dow Jones is on the rise.
Bro? You know Dow Jones is having a good week? Why doesn't anybody answer their phone or, you know, open their mail? I thought you were all dead.
I've actually got some pretty mean blisters from my work shoes.
You hear horror stories about old people exploding in their homes.
It's like when you microwave spaghetti and forget to put the lid on.
Anyway, the RTA has filed a request to redistribute Henry Cowper's bond.
So may I assume the band is breaking up? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, Henry's out and I'm in.
Right.
Well, if neither lease-holder actually lives here, then the owner will evict you immediately.
Yeah, but Liv lives here still.
- She's just - She's at the markets.
She's buying roses and sourdough bread.
Uh-huh.
Well, you'll have to supply Henry's portion of the bond.
- Me? - Yeah, four weeks' rent.
Fine.
That's if Olivia Collins still lives here.
Hey, don't worry, Azzamatazz.
We'll get your bond.
We'll get your forms.
We'll bring Liv along to prove it and she'll bring you a pork and fennel sausage roll.
Look, guys, sorry, I can't be relaxed about this stuff.
This is how you get meth labs in your rentals.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Eugh! Worst day.
- Yeah.
- Eugh.
- Eurgh.
- Eurrrgh! STEVIE: So why aren't you on the lease? Uh, remember those lunchtime supermarket deli - taste-testing tours? - Mmm.
Wasn't 'cause I hadn't tried ham before, all right? - Zero dollars.
- Eh.
Hey, that reminds me, um can I borrow $1,200? What happened to Miss Tax Return? Term deposit.
And you know how the New World Order gets about redraws.
- (AJ LAUGHS) - Oh, my god.
Three bank statements? They're so nosy! No, no, no, no, no.
You are paying your own bond, Stevie.
It's been three weeks, you've spilt more beer on the floor than beer in your mouth.
Oh, no.
Um Henry has to sign this too.
FUCK! (QUIETLY) Fuck.
Um What is this? Just trying to pay for my flight home.
- You want some punch? - Yes! AJ: What, are you drinking sangria now? - Cheers.
- Is this sangria? Oh, you are gonna love me.
Oh, it's weak.
See? Get the fuck out of here! Are you serious?! It was right at the back of the drawers behind the panelling.
I was gonna give it to you at The Point, but Mother's Day? Fuck.
Fuck! Sorry.
20 years.
Jesus.
My mum gave me this watch just before she died.
Yeah, I know, you muppet.
I used to think it was attached to you.
Oh, that's not for sale! Sorry.
Uh, so, anyway, AJ needs you to pretend to still be his girlfriend so the real estate agent thinks that you still live there.
- Fuck, Stevie! - What? Hey, we should sell some shit.
Make us some monnay! It's not ideal, I know, but You just want me to sign a lease on a house in a country in which I don't even live.
You know how much I hate moving! The only thing worse is cleaning the oven and when you move, you've gotta do both.
Uh, I wouldn't know.
All Aaron has to do is turn on the radio to know you're single, AJ.
You talk about it constantly with your oh, 600,000 closest friends! All right.
All right.
It's not like we have to make out in front of him or anything, okay? Oh, okay, thanks.
I'm glad.
Busy on Saturday, AJ, moving.
Maybe you should think about doing the same too.
Fuckin' hell.
STEVIE: How much are these slides? Oh, they're 40 bucks.
She's dreaming.
STEVIE: I don't get it! She cheated on you.
She owes us.
AJ: Ah, she'll come good.
Let's just worry about Henry.
Come on, I'll do it for you.
I kind of love the drama.
That'd make me as pathetic as him.
Okay.
Well, you need me, you call me, okay? I'm off to the bank.
Hello, Stevie.
What have you done? Hi, Mummy.
Nothing.
What I thought you said you'd quit.
I did! Three weeks.
I'm congratulating myself.
Okay.
Hey, so that money that I lent you, um, something has come up.
Just give me a minute, darl.
Just going to the shops, are we? Oh.
I suppose we we could have a cup of tea first.
(MUTTERS) Fuck.
Well, you could have chosen a better day, darl, to ask for money like that.
I lent you the money! Don't borrow it off me if you don't think that Borrowing money off your own daughter now, Wilma? - (BANG!) - Stop killing the moths, Glen! You leave marks all over the cupboards.
GLEN: She's banned herself from all the casinos.
If she can't get to the pokies, she goes online.
Why don't you tell Stevie how we had to cancel the internet? $3,000 in one month.
She goes round to all the neighbours and asks them for their Wi-Fi passwords.
What? Mum! Backpackers do that! Oh, Christ.
I'm going to sweep the driveway.
- (BANG!) - These bloody pantry moths! We've tried everything, Stevie.
Doesn't matter how many you kill, you'll still find one in your cornflakes.
At what point do you just give up? Get this thing out of the house.
It's like a slot machine in her pocket.
AJ: So, it's the first time that Sam and his man Richard get to celebrate Mother's Day, thanks to their beautiful daughter Violet.
But more importantly, it's the first time for you, Mrs Wu, that you get to celebrate it as a grandma.
You must be excited! You know, the last thing my father ever said to me was "You will bring light into this world.
And that light will continue to shine.
" When I look at Violet, she's a jewel in our eyes.
Aww! Stop it, I'm gonna cry.
(SAM LAUGHS) All right, you are listening to Fade FM - with Sam and AJ.
- (MUSIC PLAYS) That was a lie.
He said, "Never marry a white man.
" Oh! Savage.
Hey my dad is not a white man.
- SAM: Uh - Who would have guessed? Can we not do this, please? AJ and Sam back with you on Fade FM.
And during that short break Sam's mum has just revealed to us - No! - that she would like to date a brown man.
That's not what she said! That's absolutely not what she said.
Yeah, she wants to date my dad.
Oh, nup! If he's your father, I'm sure he's very good-looking.
- No! How does that make sense? - Thank you.
Yes.
- Radio face over here.
No deal! - Hey, come on.
We could be brothers, Sam, all right? Our Christmas dinners would go viral.
It's been a very long time, Sam.
Ohhhh! No! As far as I'm concerned, it's been however old I am.
That's how long it's been.
I don't want to hear This is a nightmare.
But, AJ, what about Mother's Day for you? Because obviously Mother's Day is special for your family in a different way.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um Usually Dad and I go to Marble Beach, right? And there's a little spot behind the skydiving fields there where we like to go crabbing.
But regrettably this year we are not gonna be crabbing.
We're gonna be fishing fishing for a new mummy for AJ.
- Boo! - (LAUGHTER) - I'm right here.
- Yes! Oh, oh! All right.
You are listening to Fade FM with Sam and AJ.
Seriously, though, is your dad single? PHONE APP: (BARKS) I'm hungry! Oh, god.
Hey, that shower's blocked again.
Maybe we should just move out.
Yeah, that plughole has a bigger afro than you do.
How do I have the autograph of a bouncer that looks like Vulcan from Gladiators but I don't have my ex-flatmate's signature anywhere? What does it matter? I can fake his signature but I can't fake a girlfriend.
When Liv gets like this, no good.
Yeah, right.
So it turns out Mum's addicted to this game called Munch where you have to feed this online dog that you never see.
You just have to, like, buy him biscuits and pay his vet bills but, like, with real money.
With real money.
And then you have to become a "Top Dog" on some leader board.
I already want to be a Top Dog.
Mum's still just a Poopy Pup, apparently.
God, she must be desperate for a fix if she's resorted to this.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - Oh, wow.
When you feed him, his tail wags and you can feel it.
That's kind of cool.
Hey, I'm gonna be at the real estate agent's soon, so if you're in the area and you want to drop by Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.
Someone said they'd come and pick up my bike between 10 and 2 and they haven't showed, so Ah.
Must be the same person that installs internet everywhere in Australia.
AJ, I just am not gonna make it today.
Look, is everything okay? No noodle collection? No.
No, everything's good.
I'm I'm actually doing lots of writing.
That's that's awesome to hear.
All right.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- I'll see you.
Bye.
AJ: Hey, mate.
You're late.
The tide is coming up very fast.
Yeah, all right.
54 minutes and 37 seconds late, to be precise.
- Whoa, I'm sinking.
- You are not sinking! - I'm cold.
- You're not cold.
You like crabbing.
No, I like dipping crab meat into chilli and lime aioli.
This this I don't like.
Everyone wants to eat the crabs.
No one wants to catch the crabs.
Oh, that's so gross.
Why are you using a chicken carcass? That's the secret to catching A-grade crabs.
You want to catch big muscly crabs who are too dumb to know that barbecue chickens don't live in swamps.
Are these NRL crabs? Bigger the better.
Right.
WILMA: This is ridiculous.
I don't need counselling, Stevie.
- (RINGTONE) - Okay, Mum, it's ringing.
When I answer it, look at them, not yourself, 'cause that's where you You're better on the app, love.
Why don't I just listen? No, you're on.
Mum! Hello? Chat Counselling Australia.
- Mum, get back! - Wilma? - You promised me! - Hello? Anyone there? - Get back! - Must be a bad connection.
No, hello there.
Hi.
- My name's Wilma.
- Oh, okay.
Great.
Uh, Wilma Nicholls.
Female, 54.
That checks out.
Okay.
So, what do you love about Munch? Um It's the little dog who eats.
- And it makes me feel happy.
- I bet.
Do you think, um Do I think that my daughter has been affected by my gambling problems? Absolutely.
Yes.
(PHONE VIBRATES) I'm hungry! Oh, you greedy little shit.
Come here.
- Stop it! - I don't want to repress your feelings, but I just feel that we should limit the profanity.
- No worries.
- Arsehole.
Totally.
So, how does it feel to be truthful about the way your disease affects those around you? Gosh, it makes me feel like a bird.
Nope, no, it makes me I feel like a waitress? No? Sounds like Three.
Free! I feel free to talk about it with you today.
And I know that if I were more honest with Stevie, we'd be a hell of a lot closer.
Hello.
This is Stevie's uh, Wilma's daughter Stevie.
There is just one thing that she failed to mention to you.
There was a scholarship.
(MOSQUITO WHINES) There's a mosquito in the car.
I can hear it.
AJ, go to bed.
Party watch, whoo-hoo.
It's a partay! (AJ SIGHS) Did Mum ever come crabbing with you? Yes, of course she did.
She liked it.
We used to talk a lot.
What was the last thing you guys talked about before she died? (CAR APPROACHES) Crab grabbers! You did not talk about crabs in your final conversations! They will act like your friends and then these men will use boats to undo what you have done on foot.
Or women, all right? It's 2017, Dad.
Women can crab-grab too.
Yes.
Set your alarm.
We're going back out at 5am.
5am?! This is my weekend, dawg! 5am starts with mud crusted into my arse.
I smell like chicken carcasses.
Am I in heaven? - (SNORES) - Oh, whatever.
(MOSQUITO WHINES) - God dammit! - (SNORES) A scholarship?! I grew up thinking I was an idiot! Oh, these fancy schools, Stevie - it's not just the school fees.
Dolce & Gabbana may as well have designed the school uniforms, they cost that much.
And the tuck shop, the sausage rolls were about 6 bucks a pop.
Oh, yeah, Mum! $6 for food.
What a waste.
How many goes on the pokies? Is that, what, 3? 4? This isn't working! Well, sausage rolls don't give you free spins, love.
Anyway, you weren't the perfect child, Stevana.
You could be a real bitch.
Maybe I had to be a bitch, Mum.
You sent me to school looking like a grub because you were so fucking out of it from playing the pokies all night.
I sewed buttons on my school uniforms with dental floss that AJ stole from his dad.
Do you understand that? Do you? Like, I had to stick up for myself.
You very conveniently forget all the good things, don't you? Like the trip to Sea World Nara Resort.
That was because my birthday won the Powerball, don't you forget.
Look, that is never going to work! Can you shut up?! I was offered a scholarship to one of the best schools in this country.
But instead of you admitting that your addiction was gonna hold me back, you looked me in the eye and you told me that I failed that test - that I wasn't good enough.
How can you live with yourself? Because I knew that you were so smart that you .
.
you were never going to turn into me.
I already am like you, Mum.
I let people down all the time.
(PHONE VIBRATES) I'm hungry! - Ooh, Wi-Fi.
- No, please just don't.
(APP BARKS, WHIMPERS) Can you just make me top dog? For once? Oi, AJ! Cheers for the hot tip, mate! Long-time listener.
Crab-grabbers! This has been my secret spot ever since I was a student.
I was just trying to give you a shout-out for Mother's Day on the radio.
I don't want shout-outs.
All I want is crabs.
WILMA: Ah, there's that Wi-Fi sweet spot.
The mattress went down.
Basically woke up on the floorboards.
(APP BARKS) What are you doing? Oh, beautiful day.
I-I'm just looking for Mum, what did I say? Turn your phone upside down and double-tap.
It'll last twice as long.
WILMA: Oh, yeah! Aww.
Oh, yes, the tail's going.
It's good, isn't it? Aw, he's so cute, Stevie! I love him.
Happy Mother's Day.
AJ: You gotta admit, one crab's better than none.
Don't ever talk about me on the radio again! Yeah, all right.
Jesus.
Uh-oh.
- Crabs.
- Crabs? You trying to hide some dinner from me? It's too young! I know I should have thrown it back.
- (KEYS JINGLE) - AJ, give me the keys.
Hey, you know what? You never told me what you and Mum talked about that last day! AJ, give me the keys! Give me the bloody keys.
AJ: Chill out! (LAUGHS) You're gonna hurt yourself.
They're coming to get ya! Baby crab thief on the run.
We've got a fugitive.
Your mother.
Remember we had your birthday early because we didn't think she'd make it? When we got there .
.
she wasn't holding anything down.
She wasn't making much sense.
You went to get a can of drink from the machine.
And while you were gone .
.
she asked me who you were.
I had to tell her who you were.
But she gave me this watch.
I bought it from the hospital gift shop.
$9.
I'm sorry, AJ.
(DOOR SLAMS) Well, thank god.
Tenant.
Um I couldn't get Henry's signature.
And Liv doesn't live here anymore.
Because I'm a loser.
I lose everything.
All the time, I lose.
I lost my girlfriend and I lost my social life and I lost my hair.
And now I'm losing my home.
And the only thing that he's lost is my friendship.
And I don't think he cares.
Because I'm not a good friend anyway.
That's why I don't have any anymore.
Yeah, right.
AJ This is not MasterChef.
You don't burst into tears and move on to the next episode.
This is my job.
And I gave you a chance.
So I'm sorry.
Yep.
(WATER DRIPS) What the fuck? Oh, man.
No, no, no.
I can't I can't handle this shit right now, please.
Fuck.
I really smell like crab, Aaron.
It's all over me.
I can smell it from here.
I'm losing so much hair all the time.
Wow.
The drain looks like Bob Marley when I have a shower.
Argh! You know, I got a little saying - if it's dripping from the ceiling and it's not blood, you don't have to go to court.
Eugh! These pipes are begging to be replaced.
And the owner, she doesn't want to know anything about it.
And frankly I'm getting tired of paperwork.
And I'm getting a bit of gout.
So clean this up on your dime and I'll let you stay month-to-month.
Okay? Oh.
And I suppose the cigarette butts were stuck to your feet? AARON: Oh, god.
Fucking Stevie.
You were the only one who didn't want to move there.
I just don't understand why you wouldn't sign the lease.
LIV: Look, I'm sorry.
I know it's no excuse, but I I'm just scared about moving home.
I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
I know you want to hold on to that place, AJ.
I get it.
I just couldn't.
I have to move on.
I don't know how, but I do.
Are you gonna call your mum? She's got my number.
I figured now that I'm out of the picture, maybe you might.
Oh, my god.
That's not funny, AJ.
That's not funny.
If anything, you should probably come with me.
Show up on her doorstep.
Pop out of my suitcase.
And I'll be like, "Surprise, bitch! "I'm still going through that phase.
" Oh.
I could barely fit in my dad's car, let alone a suitcase.
Do you want me to crack your back? No.
You're gonna hurt me, I'm sure.
- You're not strong enough.
- Get up! You really think you can do this? Oh, I can do this.
Cross your arms over your chest.
All right, and breathe in.
And when you breathe out all the air, say "Yep.
" (AJ EXHALES) Yep.
- Why did you do that? - (LAUGHS) Why? You know, one day you're gonna turn around and you're gonna miss me.
What the fuck?! I'm moving on.
AJ, that's your mum's watch! I meant moving on as in upgrade your phone or get a scuba licence.
Fuck.
Fuck! - Come on.
- Fuck! Watch out.
- What are you like? - Watch out.
AJ: There's probably fucking blue-ringed octopus, or something.
LIV: Please can you not say things like that?