The Other Guy (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

The Dots

1 Like we weren't so afraid of it Just holding on to not let go 'Cause we made our bed and laid on it Don't you wanna feel it in your soul? - Everything for convenience - Oooh, oooh Yeah, we've been playing a real big game Treat a lover like a stranger, oooh, oooh Don't hold too long or the wind might change Oh-oh-oh We should probably talk about it What's going on between me and you Don't you wanna talk about it? Like it ain't the elephant in the room Oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh Like it ain't the elephant in the room Oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh Are you trying to make kufi hats a thing or something? What? Oh, God, no! Sorry, I'm just trying to prove to Sam that I'm more Ghanaian than he is Chinese.
Do not lie! You are wearing that because Dog Murphy was ragging on your baldness again.
But I will say, after last week's survey results, any fan engagement is probably good fan engagement.
Well, I woke up to a Facebook message at 3am from a guy who felt compelled to tell me I'm not that hot.
What? That's crazy! You're so hot.
Oh, well, his profile picture is of him pig-hunting, so I kind of have to take his opinion over yours.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, I did West Africa for - a year when I was 18.
- You did not! The old dudes in the villages rocked those.
For real? They would've loved you.
The kids were so cute.
They were like, "white woman!" which was kind of weird.
I know, right, because they say, like, "white man" to me too.
- But here I'm kind of - Bald.
Not you too.
So are you coming to my gig on Thursday? - You're killing me here, Wade.
- Come on! It's early.
You'll be in bed by 10pm.
- It's nice that you think that.
- Up to you.
Mate, don't get your honey where you get your money.
Ooh.
Whatever you do, make sure it's hard because nobody wants a flaccid dick pic.
What? No, no! I'm not that dude.
All dudes are one of those dudes.
Who's it for? - No one.
- [GASPS MOCKINGLY] Oh, my God, are you sending dick pics to Amy Wade? You were loving her on air this morning.
I'm not sending dick pics at all, all right? I'm just upping my Insta game in case Amy follows me.
There were vibes.
You can't get a new girlfriend just yet.
I just got you back, AJ.
It's Amy Wade, Stevie.
Whatever.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Hmm? - Be honest.
Do I have puffy nipples? What? Yes.
Obviously.
Grade 12 ski trip, remember? You taped them 'cause they were getting chafed.
I still do that.
Wait, wait, wait! What about my hair? [SIGHS] Look, I have an overnight tonight and I haven't had a single staff room chat all month so I'm going in early.
- Can I go? - Yes.
Why are you hanging out in your staff room? You want to hang out in your staff room? No, I don't want to hang out in my staff room but I know the disappearing act you're gonna pull if Amy Wade texts you, and I need some back-up friends.
- Um, hey - [GROANS] What about my arms? Okay, look, if we're gonna do this we've got to do it properly.
Get your gear off.
Come on.
I'm sure it's grown since Year 7.
[GASPS] What? The dots.
What? Those? No, that's just a thing.
Some guys have it, some guys don't.
Oh, you can't tell me That's not normal.
No.
It's completely normal! It's harmless.
It's really common.
I think.
Common? Oh, mate! Do you know how many dicks I've seen? It's a lot, okay? Like, it's actually insane how many dicks I have seen and I've never seen that.
- Never? - No.
Hey, maybe Maybe it's like an African thing? Comes from your family? Maybe? Hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT] You've got quite a nice neck.
- [DOOR SHUTS] - Hey, mate.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Oh, good.
You're here too.
LIV: Hey.
I didn't know you'd be here.
[MUFFLED] I just wanna get my teef shecked before Shee Lanka.
You what? The bumble bees are some wankers? That's a bit rude.
Imagine the bee community outrage! Hey Anka.
She's saying Sri Lanka.
Oh.
Wait.
You still going? Yes, of course she's still going.
She deserves a holiday before she goes home to Ireland.
Are you still going? He has done nothing to organise himself.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Ha, ha.
Wait, I thought That you'd both waste your money? Ridiculous.
There's more pressing issues here other than money, Dad.
- You're all done now.
- 'Ank you.
Issues.
Sorry.
I am here for teeth.
I didn't mean to intrude.
No, no, come on.
This is perfect.
Who wants a coconut water? Can you not look at me like that? All I'm doing is going on a holiday that I paid for.
Yeah, and I paid half.
And what you do with your half is none of my business.
Bye, Mack.
I worry about her.
She has very bad decay.
I can't tell whether it's due to her grinding in her sleep or whether it's genetic.
What about penis issues? Are they genetic? Show me.
What? I'm a medical professional.
You're a dentist! Neck upwards, all right? Below the waist, that is not your jurisdiction.
My son, my jurisdiction.
Dots.
Are they genetic? Dots? Mm-hm.
Dots, dots, penis dots.
Penis dots.
Dots.
[TAPS] Mm-hm.
It's called pearly penile papules.
Oh, for God's sake! Don't you think I've looked at the internet before? I just want to know if it runs in the family.
No, don't go to images, please, okay? The top examples are always the worst pictures.
Oh, no! Okay, that's it.
Goodbye.
Oh, this is very strange.
Thank you.
Surely she could find another dentist, you know? It's not like a doctor where they've got to know all your gross little secrets.
I can't have a regular doctor.
It's too hard to keep track of all my lies.
You never gave me a full body rating.
Hmm.
Like, 6.
8 out of 10.
Are you fuckin' serious? Sub 7? Dude, if you exercised once an ever you'd be easy a 7.
5.
You should swim.
Male swimmers have great bodies.
[LAUGHTER] [STEVIE GASPS] What? - Oh, come on, come on, come on.
- What? - Please come with me.
- What are we doing? Get in here.
Please.
- Do you think they saw me? - Bit early for bag, isn't it? No, all those girls playing lawn bowls, they're from my agency.
- Are you supposed to be working? - No.
I'm not supposed to be at work and they know that but they're all here without me.
- I cannot believe this.
- [DOOR OPENS] I was being really funny at work this morning, really funny.
Why wouldn't they want to be my friend? One at a time in there, yeah? Great, the one time I'm not doing drugs in the toilet they think I'm doing drugs in the toilet.
I'm going to invite those work girls over to our house and prove that I'm really fun.
So you're going to trick them? [KNOCKING] Open the door! Just a minute.
Thank you.
We have to go.
We have to go now.
Don't let them see me, okay? Hi.
Listen, I'm a care worker and he's got dots on his penis, okay? It's a really serious condition.
It's causing him to have suicidal thoughts.
Legally, I'm allowed to be in here with him.
- STEVIE: Is that all right? Okay.
- WOMAN: Yeah.
Yes! Not heaps of dots, just a few.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dude, I'm telling you, an Insta follow is as good as a proposal these days.
AJ, Sam! I knew it was you.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, okay.
Okay.
How do you even know she's single, though? Dude, trust me, I went deep on her 'gram, okay? Too deep.
My thumbs were hurting by the end.
No dudes.
Well, meanwhile, our online reach is plummeting because you haven't posted anything in weeks.
Yeah, that's 'cause Dog Murphy is fucking killing me.
Last thing I posted he called me the Mighty Duck 'cause I had a flying V on my head, all right? Oh, and by the way, please don't stick around tonight, all right? After the show, get the photo for socials and then get out.
Do not fuck this up for me.
Okay, but we need guests like Amy for the show, right, 'cause Amy's got fans and fans mean reach.
So maybe you don't fuck this up for us.
Ooh, can I get a photo too? I am such a big fan.
- Ohh! - Sorry, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Why are you at an Amy Wade show? Um, touring writer.
He's written a self-help book.
I'm on babysitting duty.
Oh.
Self-help.
What a legend.
So I've been thinking everything through recently and I'm trying to remain open.
Maybe I could buy your ticket.
Oh! Okay.
Or maybe I could buy your ticket.
Oh, Jesus, AJ.
Name me one thing that you want to see in Sri Lanka.
There was that big rock that you showed me.
I love rocks! Mm-hm, well, it's called Sigiriya but you sure proved me wrong.
Don't forget to pack your toothbrush.
Look, I just don't think it's fair if one of us goes and not the other.
Well, then, maybe we should both go together.
- Is that what you want? - Well, yeah, maybe.
Sorry.
Enjoy the show, AJ.
Bye, Sam.
AJ, I mean this when I say this.
Going on holidays with your ex is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
But you do you, buddy.
AMY: Hey, guys, I'm Amy Wade.
Thanks so much for coming.
[MUSIC BEGINS] Hey, congrats.
Hey! Thanks.
It was fun tonight.
Last time, there was a guy in the front jerking off, so My bad! Sorry 'bout that.
- Yeah, I thought it was you.
- [SAM LAUGHS] Ah, hey, do you mind if we just get a quick photo for socials? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay, cool, cool, cool.
I'm gonna do it.
Ready? Good? - Three, two, one, go.
- [CAMERA CLICKS] All right.
Thank you.
Man, this whisky looks delightful.
- May I? - Sure.
You know what, I'm not even going to put a filter on this 'cause I don't want your man to get jealous or whatever.
Oh, don't worry.
He gets it.
Oh, 'cause it's like a new thing or? - Ah, three years.
- Ooh.
It's secret, so interviewers like you ask me about my songs and not about how he got such big muscles and learnt how to run with the ball so well.
- Right, I see.
I see.
- Yeah.
Hey.
[GROANS] I'm too drunk to have this straight.
AJ: Oh, okay.
I'm going through one of those phases again.
No judgement.
The other night I googled "drinking games for one".
Whoa! All right.
Well, I'm gonna get out of here 'cause I care about my job, huh? But, ah Goodnight, Henry.
Thank you for the photo.
See ya.
Oh, man, that's good.
How much do you reckon a bottle of this is worth? Don't know.
"To Bevan, the best stage tech we've ever had.
" Fuck! To Bevan.
Yeah, he wasn't my stage tech.
[GROANS] Who's your boyfriend? It's basically over.
Yeah, I just I didn't think I was that person.
We all are.
My flight's really early.
I can drop you at the airport on my way to the studio tomorrow.
That's like an hour out of the way.
Another time, baldy.
Your dots? Are you sure? How could she have even felt them? Oh, who wants to be well rested for a flight? Plus, she hasn't replied to my message S.
Messages.
If you're going to be a freak about it why don't you just get them cut off? Would you ever get something done down there? [SNORTS] No.
My vagina's already perfect.
Guys tell me all the time.
Oh, turn it up.
Girls tell me I've got a big dick all the time but I know exactly how average it is.
I've been measuring since I was 13.
I'm still hoping for one of those growth spurts.
I'm serious.
I've seen a $5,000 designer vagina up close.
Mine's nicer.
- Who has a $5,000 vagina? - A girl from work.
Damn! No wonder you want to hang out in the staff room.
So I was, like, thinking, should I make everyone wear something really fun, like, be like, fun? AJ? You need to chill out! Look, yeah, whatever.
I'm not gonna be there.
What? No! You have to come.
No.
Someone might post something on Instagram and Amy will see it.
[SIGHS] Designer Vagina will be here.
With her perfect little puss.
Just waitin'.
Just hopin'.
[HIGH VOICE] Where's AJ? [PHONE RINGS] - Yello? - Can we talk about this holiday? Yeah, look, it's fine.
You go.
- GIRL: Ice-cream! - BOY: Yay! Why are you hanging around with kids? No, I'm at the pool.
What? Does the cafe serve beer now? I swim laps now.
It's my new thang.
Anyway, the ocean is calling.
Bye.
Can I get my tube back now? - Ten more minutes, Madison.
- [LAUGHTER] Oh okay, no, no.
Before you say something which is bound to be hilarious you need to know that 25 metres is a lot longer than it looks.
And also, I'm pretty sure the lifeguards freak out when they see a brown person.
They're like, "We have a drowner.
" - Do not make this about race.
- [AJ LAUGHS] Listen, my therapist said I need closure and I think that closure would be us going together.
Proper goodbye to ten years.
I just don't see how that's going to work.
It'll work like it always works.
You'll be a mad day-drunk and I'll get a stomach bug from forgetting that the tap water is poisonous.
And then I'll start asking questions to things that I don't want to know the answer to.
For $200, which I will pay for, - we can have separate rooms.
- [TEXT ALERT] - - Or you can, you know, go alone, take whoever you want.
- Really? - No, AJ, I did not mean that! You're not supposed to actually consider it.
I'm sorry! You offered.
Look, I want to go on this holiday and I want to go with you.
Look I'm sorry but I-I can't.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to go to Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman, next Wednesday, for my travel shots, at 6pm.
I will be there.
If you're there, you're there.
Your hair starts real far back.
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER] MIAMI HORROR: Love Like Mine Okay, straight up, who has the designer V? Oh, you stink of desperation.
Your upper lip's all sweaty.
Come on, just tell me! I really want that mutual bond over genital self-loathing.
If you say a word, I'm going to tell them all about your dots.
Let's play Never Have I Ever.
Okay, I'll go first.
Never have I ever Gotten a new Vagina.
I knew it.
- I knew it.
- Stop.
5,000 bucks in the pants.
Lady lumps.
What the hell is wrong with you? Oh, hello! [SNIFFS DEEPLY] There's a girl down there, she's crying.
She's terrified you're going to talk about her on the radio.
Why does everyone think they're so interesting I'm gonna talk about them on the radio? Ah, 'cause you do.
And now she'll never hang out with me.
You have to go down there and apologise.
- Yeah, all right.
- No, right now.
I'll worry about this stuff, thank you very much.
- Go on.
- All right! Sometimes! [SNIFFS] Fuck, I'm hot.
Hey I am really sorry about what happened just before.
Honestly, dude, it's fine.
No, it's not.
That was a real dick thing to do.
It's just I got these Dot things.
What? Down there.
Dots? Yeah, like little Little little bump things.
Like Braille? Yes.
Yes! It is, ah, it is Braille for "not contagious".
- [LAUGHS] - I swear, I swear to God.
Yeah.
Anyways, I was I was just self-conscious about it and I'm thinking about getting surgery, you know.
I just wanted to talk to someone who'd gone through what I'm going through.
When I was 19, my ex-boyfriend and I got high as fuck and sat on the bed naked, talking about all the things we hated about down there.
I had the best sex of my life that night.
Wow.
Yeah, turns out insecurity is really great foreplay.
But then when we broke up I guess I transferred all of my grief into obsessing about it.
I probably didn't need to do it but, ah I'm glad I did.
Yeah.
"Can I see it?"! [SNIFFS] I'm a curious person.
Mate, you probably would've ended up seeing it if you didn't open your big fat mouth! Uh-uh, it wasn't like that.
There were these vibes.
Oh, mate.
- I'm confiscating the drugs.
- Oi! Nah, we're going out because it is way less creepy at 1am in the Cross than it is with you in this house tonight.
Well, am I invited? Um we're meeting Liv and some writer guy.
You're chasing Amy Wade in between perving on my mates' vaginas.
Join the dots, AJ.
Meow.
[DOOR OPENS] Ah.
No Liv? Ah, yeah, I guess not.
Huh.
So, Sri Lanka, hey? - Mmm.
- Mmm, lots of fried rice there.
- Oh, God, I love fried rice.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, if I get these vaccines but I don't use them are they going to go off or anything? They're vaccines, AJ, not Pizza Hut vouchers.
Mmm.
[SIGHS] How are you feeling, AJ? Um, great, yeah.
I swim laps now.
Oh.
Are you getting enough sleep? Yeah, yeah, there's a couch at work.
Mmm.
And how much are you drinking? I have dots On my bits.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Mmm.
Penis dots.
Lucky me.
All right.
Let's have a look.
Mmm.
- See what I mean? - Yeah.
There's all these bumps.
- Sorry I'm late.
- DR.
QUINN: [SCREAMS] - [ALL EXCLAIM] - Oh, my God! No, no, no.
No, no, no, it's nothing.
She was looking at my dots.
- Your dots? - Yeah, my penis dots.
I'm thinking about getting them removed.
Why? They've never been a problem.
They're just weird.
Oh, God, I've known your penis for a third of its life.
And I'm sorry that what I did has hurt its feelings but seriously, I've never given a fuck about those dots.
I kind of like 'em.
Yeah, I mean, they're very common.
I see them all the time.
But not that close.
Don't spend your money on this.
Maybe I should spend my money on Duty free? Or buying suitable clothes 'cause you drunk-packed again? We're here to get shots.
DR.
QUINN: Okay.
[SIGHS] Oi.
Quick, Dezzy's got dots.
Only underneath, though.
I just noticed.
DEZZY: Oi, AJ, I got 'em too, man.
You want to compare? Most dots shouts next cones.
Yee-ooh.
Yeah, no, I'm I'm good, mate.
Um, so me and the girls, we finished that bag.
But they followed me round all night.
I was like the Pied Piper of drunk bitches.
They love me.
That's, ah, good.
[CHUCKLES] STEVIE: Okay.
Goodnight.
[PHONE BUZZES] Ow!