The Other Guy (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

Sri Lanka

1 This is the final boarding call for Mr AJ Amon and Ms Olivia Collins.
Your connecting flight to Sri Lanka is now boarding.
Please present to the gate immediately.
We're gonna fucking miss it.
Why did you tick that box? I was on a roll, okay? I just didn't read it properly.
Amon? He's not carrying $10,000.
He's still on prepaid, for Christ's sake.
It was a mistake.
Like, an accident.
Please come into this room, sir.
No, we have a connection to make.
Separate holidays, okay? Just you go.
You go.
Just go! - Really? - Yes! Just go.
There's no point both of us missing it.
Just go.
I'll see you there.
I'm sorry.
LIV: Wow.
[DOOR OPENS] [DOOR CLOSES] Your form says you're bringing in $10,000 worth of money or objects.
So what are you bringing into Singapore? [CHUCKLES] We ruin your surprise? No.
So why are you bringing a ring into Singapore? I don't know.
HIP-HOP MUSIC [KNOCK AT DOOR] Finally! You missed the most incredible day yesterday.
This country is amazing.
Why did you not read those forms properly? I wasn't thinking.
[SIGHS] You have a better room than me, don't you? No, I wouldn't say better.
But it, um does have less mouse poops on the floor.
Can you not put your disgusting feet on my clean clothes, please? This jacket is disgusting.
Why do you still have this? I spent 24 hours in an airport, okay? I couldn't sneak into the lounge.
Jesus, it's not my fault that you can't read a form properly! Can you just Look, I'm not like you, okay? - I like things clean now.
- Oh, do you? Oh, oh, oh.
[MOBILE PHONE RINGS] - Just wash your feet! - [DOOR CLOSES] - Dad.
- You said you would call.
Yes, look, I was going to.
I just got Got drunk at an airport.
AJ, I'm not very happy at all.
Let me guess, racists on talkback.
No, it's the chickens.
One of them pecked me in the eye.
It thought my eye was a grape.
One just stands there with her feet in the water, but she never moves.
Ooh, ooh! - None of the others - [LIV GIGGLES] AJ: Shh, shh! Is Liv there? Let me speak to her.
- Help! - No, no, Dad.
I'm at the pool.
- Some kid just fell over.
- No, it's me! No, no, no, I don't know where Liv is.
It's over, Dad.
Well, if you see any chickens while you're there, stay away from them.
AJ: Okay.
I'll talk to you soon.
Hey, it's just He's just getting used to it.
I'm just gonna get a green juice.
[DOOR CLOSES] Stupid fucking ring.
Oh! Thanking you! - Um - [TAPS CUPS] - No glass? - Eviction penalty, sir.
AJ: Oh.
Yeah, okay.
In Australia, if you serve drinks in plastic it means too many people are getting glassed at your venue.
Like, in the face, like "Blurgh! Argh! Pss-pss!" We have drunk Australians in Sri Lanka too, sir.
Hey, uh, about before I want this to be a proper goodbye as well We have to talk to that guy.
AJ: Oh.
You see, I don't know that we do.
He looks so lonely in his white linen pants.
I don't want to spend this whole holiday making eye contact and pretending to care! - Hi.
- Nope.
Major construction underway.
Anyone sitting here? That was the plan, but Not today.
Oh, let me guess, honeymoon? - Oh, absolutely not.
- Oh, Gosh! Hope you weren't planning on making a move, mate.
- Ha-ha.
- [MAN LAUGHS] LIV: Perfect pool weather.
No direct sunlight for me.
I've just had a tat removed.
Her name.
Claudia would have loved it here too, actually.
Oh, a good-looking guy like you, I'm sure there was someone who could have taken her place.
There's no one else like Clauds, mate.
Always thought there would be, but there wasn't.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.
Just about cried my tears, though.
That's the main thing.
It's about time, 'cause we broke up 15 years ago.
Anyway, cheers.
Oh! This table's a bit wonky, maybe.
AJ: And stop distracting me when I'm playing.
Cultural dinner Thursday night, fully cooked seafood with traditional dancing.
Oh, I will almost certainly not go.
But thank you.
No, what he means is we'll have a look.
Thank you.
Um, Ashes Test at Lord's starts tomorrow.
I'm gonna spend Thursday night and every night getting fucked up in the bar, sir.
Watch Australia carve some shit up.
Why don't we go to this? It'll be the one cultural thing that you do and then you can drink guilt-free for five days.
I'll play next! Hey, I don't mean this in a bad way, but is this resort in the gay district? You mean the hand-holding thing? It's just something guys do here.
- Really? - LIV, AJ: Yeah.
It's a friendship thing.
It's like a handshake, but all day.
That's actually really beautiful.
Clauds never wanted to hold my hand, always said they felt wet.
Oh, what's this? Don't think I've got a celebration in me.
Oh, it's pretty exy.
I'll probably just just spend the night in the bar.
You know they're showing the Ashes here? You wanna? Oh, we are Going to the dinner.
Just booked.
Oh, I got the exchange rate wrong.
It's actually not too bad.
Buffet, dancing I could probably Probably do that.
Can't wait.
Do you think they're happy? "This is it.
"This is how my life looks.
" "Oh, let's tell the government "how much we love each other.
"And while we're there, I'll renew my licence.
" "Yes, let's make all our "friends fly to Sri Lanka "and set up a registry, "even though we're lawyers and they're broke.
" Maybe they're real happy.
LIV: [GASPS] Don't miss.
Do not miss.
- I don't miss.
I don't.
- [LIV LAUGHS] If you miss, you have to peel every single prawn I eat on this holiday, even if it's 11:00 at night or you've just gotten out of the shower.
And what if I get it in? Oh, you won't get it in.
What about Bulk gobbies? You are clearly jet-lagged if you think my mouth is going anywhere near that thing.
Okay, what about now? LIV: Uh-uh! All right, wait.
Okay, what about What about - LIV: Okay, okay, okay.
- What about now? One, two Three! - Come on, gobbies! - [LIV LAUGHS] Aww! Jesus, you had me scared.
Fun game, Smokie.
I'm actually gonna step out for a while.
Here for your massage, sir? 16,000 rupees.
Uh, no, it's just me now.
But, sir, it's a couples' booking.
I'm not a couple.
It's just me.
But, sir, we've had other guests try to make bookings.
Great! I don't mind if they don't.
Room 14.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS] MAN: No, look, sorry, mate.
It just doesn't sound safe.
Can you put your mum back on, please? John's there, is he? No, no, no, that's fine.
I'll speak to you later.
Bye, mate.
Love you.
AJ! What do you know.
MASSEUSE: Welcome, sir.
MAN: You're gonna have to just go gently.
I've just had a tat removed.
[SPEAKS SINHALESE] Little Sinhalese there, for you.
These things always release so many trapped memories.
Trapped memories are the Worst memories.
Full moon always gets me too.
They reckon it's gonna be a super one tonight.
I'm gonna head over to the beach and take a look.
Sounds cool.
Apparently 11pm is when it's really kicking.
I could come past your room? We could head over together.
Watch the Ashes beforehand? Oh, no, no, no.
You don't have to do that.
Oh, it's basically on my way.
Let's say 7pm.
We'll get a whole night in.
Can I please get a whisky on ice and a big beer, please.
- No, sir.
- What? Oh, it's Poya, mate.
Full moon holiday.
No booze today, here or anywhere.
[QUIETLY] Fuck! I'm in hiding from Damon.
I told them I was your husband.
They gave me a key.
[SIGHS] Apparently it's Poya but there are drunken Aussies everywhere, watching the Ashes.
Someone tried to make me drink from their shoe.
Prawn? No.
- Can I stay here tonight? - Oh No, AJ.
I don't think so.
Please, please, please-please-please? You have air-conditioning, okay? I'm begging you.
Damon has hit ultimate pest mode.
- Don't touch me.
- And I'm sober.
That's probably for the best.
My pee was like breakfast tea this morning.
That's disgusting.
Look, I'll separate the beds.
There'll be none of that erection-in-the-back business.
Please, I'm begging.
God, I can't tell you how much I need this.
Fine! You and your smelly hands and my prawns are on the sofa.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, God, thank God.
You should've brought home that shoe.
[THUNDER CRASHES] - [GASPS] - DAMON: AJ! Shh! I saw him too.
AJ, what the fuck? DAMON: AJ! AJ, it's Damon.
Doing really well in the cricket.
Be still.
He can sense movement.
Oh, come on! Come and watch the last few overs.
- Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Whoo! - Oh, fuck.
It's Damon.
- [LIV CACKLES] - It's not funny.
It's not funny.
We paid for this, and we're prisoners.
Do you think he's still there? Yes! He's gonna be there forever.
- Oh, my God.
- Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.
Fuck! Shh! What the fuck are you doing? Turn it off.
He'll see us.
Then I'm going down to the pool.
He won't see me there.
Would you? Have you been hiding booze from me? Wouldn't you hide booze from you? You can't take glass in the pool! LIV: Wouldn't it be cool if when you die, everything just gets explained to you? Um, do I get to choose what gets explained? Because 45 minutes into that lifetime combo and I'm tapping out.
You get to choose.
Why do you have to make everything so difficult? All right, all right, all right.
Um, I would ask Why do I never see old twins? LIV: Oh, my God.
I never see old twins.
I know.
I think about it, like, three to four times a day.
What would you ask? What would you ask? Why did we stop speaking to each other like this? And why did I initiate conversation with Damon on the first day? That was your fault.
You've got slippery fingers! LIV: Oh, oh, oh.
Hold it still.
There, there.
Where? [DOOR OPENS] That was so close.
You missed a hell of a moon.
[SOFTLY] I can't handle this right now.
Please, Damon! Just stay where you are, please.
Don't be embarrassed.
I was part of a young couple once.
Damon, get out of the pool.
Oh, the tat? No harm done if I keep it above the water.
So, what are you looking for? Just my earring.
I left it in the pool earlier and I thought it would sparkle better at night.
Damon, seriously, you gotta learn about boundaries, man.
Leave us alone.
Think I found your earring.
I have very thin blood.
It's quite possible I might faint.
God, I hope that happens.
We really have to get my earring out of your foot, Damon.
Oh, my God.
First aid kit now.
Front pocket of my big grey bag.
- Oh, the whisky, the whisky.
- There's no Coke left.
It's to disinfect the cut.
- And then? - Seriously.
- [DAMON MOANS] - Shh, we're gonna be fine.
I can see my earring and I'll be able to get it out in a jiffy.
- Yeah, just give me a sec.
- [SHRIEKS] - This is maybe gonna sting.
- [DAMON SCREAMS] It'll be over in a second.
All right.
I'm down.
DAMON: Look at you two.
What a team.
God, it's like It's like watching Bonnie and Clyde.
They killed people, Damon.
You're not just friends.
There's something Something good here.
You're all done.
You rest up.
Why don't you stay here tonight? Don't order any movies.
LIV: Oh, my God, I've got Damon's blood all over me.
Oh, my God, you handled that well.
You were just so reassuring! It was hot.
Eugh, do you think I've got something? No! Listen, you don't have AIDS, okay? Damon hasn't had sex in 15 years, at least.
And he's too chubby to be injecting.
- What about hepatitis? - That's more likely.
But you don't have hepatitis, okay? Listen to me, you are a hero.
How you handled that in there, it was incredible.
You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful.
You've got this confidence and this strength that I just love.
No cuts.
Think I over-reacted.
When I met you, I googled "Am I in love?" Never say that out loud again.
Wait, wait, I think we should be careful.
Um it's already in.
I'm aware of that.
No, you're right, we should be careful.
Are you not on the pill? Why would I be on the pill? There's condoms in your bag.
It's fine.
No, there isn't.
Yeah, there is.
I saw some just before.
[BOX RATTLES] Except you've used most of them.
With Henry? Fuck.
These are old.
They expired last year.
Condoms last for ages, Liv.
When the fuck did you buy these? What, three, four years ago? We haven't used condoms in 10 years, Liv.
When did it start? You don't want to have this conversation.
When did it start? When did it fucking start? Fuck you.
Fuck fuck you.
Fuck! DAMON: Mike Gatting pads up to a ball he thinks is going down leg side.
Round the back of the legs, top of the off stump.
- Ball of the century.
- Ball of the century.
Fright of my life this morning, Liv, woke up, AJ was spooning me.
I just locked in, like a couple of Sri Lankan mates, hey? And very excited about the dinner tonight.
Don't worry, I'm a very good third wheel.
I told him that he could come and that I don't mind if you don't.
No, of course not.
The more the merrier.
What about the '99 World Cup? Steve Waugh, "You've dropped the World Cup, mate.
" - Bleugh! - Blurgh! - What happened? - Pretty good, mate.
[AJ AND DAMON LAUGH] AJ: Oh, no, World Cup.
I bought the hive.
I bought the bees.
Turns out I'm allergic to honey.
Epic fail, so some would say.
You want to talk about fails, you should talk to Liv about her book.
What? Tell Damon about your great unfinished novel.
How many pages have you written? 100? Don't tell me it's still 50.
[APPLAUSE] - Yes! - [DAMON WHISTLES] [TRADITIONAL DRUMMING] I'm going to try and explain what happened.
But I just want to let you know that I'm scared that the words might not be as articulate as the thoughts are in my head.
Cut the shit, Liv.
HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, we need a volunteer.
Come! Come! Don't don't touch me.
Me, I-I'll go.
Give a big round of applause! If you want to make it about my book, then fine.
Do you want to know why I couldn't finish it? Because you don't finish things that you start.
Because I didn't have anything to say.
[TEARFULLY] I wanted to write stories.
But all I knew was our life.
I would come home from work and you'd be drinking.
I'd just Join you.
I was really scared that I would just That I would just end up in the wrong story.
You know, you once asked me Whether I was real, or you had just made me up.
Do you know what that feels like, that I just exist just for you? I exist in my own right, AJ, and I just I just wanted to feel it.
I'm sorry.
Hey! Ha-ha-ha! Guys, come up! This is outrageous! Oh, go on.
Go and dance.
You need the attention so fucking bad.