The Other Guy (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

Dog Murphy

1 SWINDAIL: Jussrite SAM: AJ.
AJ! AJ! AJ! Are you even listening to me, man? Oh, fuck.
I've missed my cue, eh? I will, ah I'll back-announce.
Are you serious? The show's over.
You just, like, mumbled for three hours.
Fuck, I'm a bit hungover, eh? Dude, you've been hungover, like, every day for the last three years.
Hungover AJ, he's got fun stories, he's fine.
But this, like you hitting your head on the microphone 'cause you're so fucking tired, 'cause you've been this wrecked every day since you got back from Sri Lanka, like I can't work with that.
Calm down! In the '90s they were doing lines of coke in the bathroom.
I'm just trying to bring some life back in the station, cuz.
Something needs to change, AJ.
So I'll press the buttons tomorrow.
No, I mean, like, I can't keep doing this.
I don't want to keep doing this, all right? Like, every day you find some new way to screw things up.
I'm moving to afternoons.
Yes! I would love to I'd love afternoons, yeah! Have you been listening to anything I've said in the last three minutes? I need to stop running from my problems using drugs and alcohol? Fucking No.
Okay, we have a meeting at 11:30 with Kelly, alright and if you would like this to still be a thing then you need to be there.
But I am fuckin' I'm done.
Thanks a lot.
Have a good day.
I've been chewing these for years.
My teeth are still no whiter.
I just want this one as well.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING] Oi! Dezzy's in Underwater World.
- Excuse me, mister.
- My coin jar's gone.
Well, I didn't steal it, if that's what you're thinking.
That's not what I'm thinking, all right, but you have had a lot of friends around recently.
Oh, fuck, you can talk.
Do you know this house smells like different cheap perfume every day? Yeah, well, it is my house - [MOBILE RINGS] - Stevie.
What is that supposed to mean? It means you've got a pretty on-again, off-again relationship - with paying the rent.
- Okay.
I contribute in other ways.
I went and got us coffees the other day, didn't I? Yeah, with coins from my coin jar.
[STEVIE SIGHS] [MOBILE KEEPS RINGING] - Answer your fuckin' phone! - Hmm? AJ, fuck! You should've seen the squid I just seen.
It was so slinky, eh.
What?! What? [TUTS] Jerk.
Heaps less clickers in Underwater World.
- Get back there.
- Check ya.
Oh, 'sup, dolphins? - Seen the bull shark yet? - Nuh.
- Fuck! - Yeah, there it is.
Oh, what a toothy cunt.
[SNIFFS] Okay.
[SNIFFS WETLY] Okay, so, you visited the pharmacy in the Green Village shopping mall, is that correct? Yes.
Olivia, explain out loud into this recording device the items you were attempting to take from the store when you were approached by security.
Some men's regrowth foam.
- And a forehead thermometer.
- [POLICEMAN SNIFFS LOUDLY] Okay, dude, you gotta try nasal douching.
All right, it sounds gross but it is so good for your sinuses.
Can you be quiet? This is recording.
And the third item? No, I wasn't trying to steal that third item.
A Fertilitest home pregnancy test.
Don't, AJ, just just don't, okay? Four days and I'm out of here.
They're fuckin' dreaming if they think I'm going to court.
They can come find me in Ireland.
You're late? Sri Lanka, yeah.
- That was a dip.
- Well, a dip is enough if there's stuff left on your thing from when you last wanked.
Damn, I was bored that afternoon.
Bored three times.
Listen, come to mine after work.
I want to be there when you do this.
It's my going-away thing tonight, AJ.
I don't care, all right? Duck out, make an excuse.
It's not going to take long.
Fuck! AJ! Oh, no, are you serious? I'm, like, 10 minutes late.
AJ, your absence said more than enough.
No, you don't understand.
I need this.
No, you don't understand.
She means everything to me.
So I need this job for her.
'Cause I can't risk this.
The station, they've put us on leave for two weeks and I'm gonna come back to - do arvos but it's just me.
- What? They're still looking for weekend shifts so if you want to give up your Saturday nights or any nights but I'm sorry.
Cha! AJ! Ha, AJ! No, don't be like that! AJ! Yo, can you see me? Or do bald dudes only see other bald dudes? What? You heard me.
Dog Murphy.
@DogMurphy, son.
Doggy with the good hair.
You know who this is.
- What's goin' on there? - Fuck off.
Chill out, bruz, I'm just gammen'.
It's not funny, fuckhead, so shut the fuck up.
Bruz, what's your fuckin' problem, man? You, you fat fuck! Oh, fuck.
[LAUGHS] What just happened? Bruh, I knocked you the fuck out.
Man, that fat shit, you know, getting all mouthy.
I don't take that shit lightly, man.
I've got a history of heart disease in the family.
Where am I? Shit, I thought you were cool.
I am cool.
You just can't come to my work and make fun of me.
It's one thing to do it online.
Bruh, I'm just helping you fucking keep it real, man.
I don't need your help to keep it real, dickhead.
Clearly you do.
Bruh, I'm holdin' a fundraiser tonight, man.
Mum and the aunties are putting a feed on.
There'll be singin', dancin'.
You know, I figured if I drove here, hit you up, explained everything, you'd come back to Toorney with me and host the night, you know? AJ, MC.
Are you fucking crazy? Why would I help you? I fucking hate you! I hate you! You are a pest.
One of the lads killed himself last week, man.
Like, a good kid.
Part of the community.
Now, his parents are struggling.
We all are.
Maybe you should've been a better friend.
You're fucking ice-cold, man.
Ruthless! That was dark.
It was like dark in your heart.
Not anywhere else.
- What? - [SPITS] [LAUGHS] Oh, shit! Do you have a car? I've got a Toyota Camry.
I, um, I fell off my skateboard.
Hold up.
You're black? So what happened this time? Just some deadshit in the street.
Oh, come on.
When I first came here as a student I'll tell you something.
They used to say some things to us but you just put your head down and you keep walking because those people, they've got nothing to lose.
Yeah, well, I've lost everything, mate.
MURPHY: You should listen to him.
He is, like, actual black.
Proper black.
I don't know what happened with you.
You must be adopted.
Liv, um - Thinks she's pregnant.
- What? Nup.
I can't trust her, man.
Oh, you can! You just don't.
No, nuh.
It is all drip feeding.
First it was a kiss and then it was once.
And now it's years.
- Just drip.
- No.
It's impossible to avoid pain, AJ.
You have worked so hard to avoid it.
So hard that you're in more pain than ever.
Stop avoiding it.
Stop avoiding him.
Ah, I don't want to alarm you You guys, but we We are out We are out of bread.
It was old anyway but it's Complete, like, this is it.
That's the last bit.
Oh, fuck, no.
You're gonna tie that shit up, right? Oh, come on, man, it'll be fine.
Dad just wants me to drop it to some guy in Toorney called Murray.
Oh, for real? I know Murray.
He's one of the good ones.
Yeah, well, can you deliver it to him, please? Oh, that's right.
'Cause I'm the delivery boy.
That's right.
And then after I deliver that, I can deliver another right hook to your fucking jaw.
[SIGHS] So does that mean we're hitting Toorney? No, man, I gotta go see a fuckhead.
All right, let's go.
Hey, man, just watch the upholstery.
That's originale.
Small flat white? - Thanks, Henry.
- You enjoy your day.
Hey! Would you like to join our loyalty program? Basically, we'll send updates - No, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- RADIO: Fade FM! Sam here from Fade FM and just letting you know, we are changing things up a little bit at the station.
I'll be heading up a brand-new drive show but you can rest assured that your breakfast is in good hands because Angie and Polly are taking it over.
You're on Fade FM.
Are you okay? Are you still fucking her? Um [CLEARS THROAT] Why don't we go outside and just, you know, get you some water or something? Are you still fucking her? Come on, man.
You know I wasn't myself.
Is it yours? What are you talking about? AJ.
AJ, come on, mate.
Let's just go outside, get some fresh air.
What the fuck? You were laughing at me the whole time.
We weren't.
We all felt terrible, man.
Ohhhh! [RETCHES] - AJ.
- No, don't.
- [WOMAN SCREAMS] - Jesus! AJ, I'm gonna call an ambulance, mate, okay? No, dickhead.
- Get him up, man! - Yep.
- Come on, let's go, man.
- Who-who's 'we'? Who's 'we'? Shut up.
Let's go.
Come on.
What are you gawking at?! If you wanna gawk at something, @DogMurphy on Instagram, bitch! [PHONE CAMERA CLICKS] Oh, hey.
Look what I found! I was annoyed with you today after how you acted in front of Dezzy this morning but then I thought, "He's got "a point about the rent stuff," so I have spent the entire afternoon looking for your coin jar.
I'm, like, the best friend you've ever had.
You lied to me.
Oh, okay, I took some coins out of it once for a sushi roll.
About Liv and Henry.
Oh, what the fuck happened to your face? What happened? - Don't touch me! - Okay, you're going crazy, AJ.
I'm not the person to turn on right now.
Oh, yeah, I'm going crazy.
You're the fucking crazy one, Stevie.
What's crazy is knowing what they were doing the whole time and then acting shocked about it when it unfolded.
I thought you were on my side and you were on their side the whole fucking time! What the fuck was I supposed to do, AJ? I mean, I didn't say anything because I knew that this would happen.
The guilt was killing her AJ, and you might have picked up on that if your head wasn't so far up your own fucking arse.
I didn't ask to know, I didn't want to know.
I didn't.
And one day, she just told me, and then like that she makes me a liar.
She made me dishonest.
And she turned me into the worst friend that you could possibly ever have.
And I'm not that person.
AJ, I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] Answer the fucking door! [KNOCKING CONTINUES] All right.
I'm outta here.
Thanks, mate.
Are you off to work? Fuck! So she knew? It's my fault.
Yeah, it was.
I tried to tell you.
Oh, I hope you don't walk around feeling morally superior 'cause you tried to tell me.
'Cause you didn't tell me the truth, not at all.
But I hope you're not pregnant.
'Cause I can't even look after a fucking crab.
There's a crab in here? Yes, there's a fucking crab in here, okay? - Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
You do not need a racquet.
Put the racquet down, AJ.
You don't get it.
This is not a dog! - They're loose fucking units.
- We're gonna find the crab.
Goddamn psychopaths.
Do you think it's under the hat? I'm serious.
Be careful.
- Fucking Jesus! - Oh, my God! It's got a fucking knife.
Look, it's just setting the table.
What a gentleman! Oh, I hate my dad so much right now.
Good idea.
I'll call him.
Just grab it, just grab it.
Oh, yeah, and say, "Goodbye, fingers.
" Jesus! - MACK: Hello? - Mack? Hey, it's Liv.
We've got a bit of a situation here.
Oh, congratulations.
God, no, no, no, not that.
We have a crab on the loose.
Tell him to stop laughing.
You need string, about an arm's length.
String, AJ.
Um, in the kitchen.
Are you both wearing shoes? Um, the dishwasher.
- It will take your toes.
- Mack, I'll call you back.
Not the dishwasher, next to it, you know, the drawer.
- [COINS RATTLE] - What was that? It's your coin jar.
Your coin jar is in the dishwasher.
AJ: Fuck! I hid it from myself last night.
I didn't want to go to the casino.
Oi! Fuck! - Bring the string, Liv! - I'm coming! Oh, you little shit! - Jesus! - Here, here.
Racquet, racquet.
It's just a little crab.
Stupid little dickhead crab.
What if you're pregnant and we have the baby and she grows up to be a nerd that corrects people's grammar online.
Late-stage abortion.
[AJ CHUCKLES] It's the only way.
[SIGHS] A cross is positive and a line is negative.
[AJ SIGHS HEAVILY] You're not going to watch? Not this time.
[TRICKLING] Oi, no, you don't get to look, crab.
Well, that's that.
Yeah, that's that.
Am I gonna see you before I go? [SIGHS] Yeah, I guess not.
I found my coins.
I think I want to move out.
You know that you've been like this since school, AJ.
People always forgave you for it because you were the guy whose mum had died.
We all just thought that one day you'd wake up.
Bye, Stevie.
Nice crab.
Check that out.
That's you, knocked out, on the ground.
Put a little fox filter on that joint.
I don't the regular filters, man.
I gotta have my own.
[DOG MURPHY'S VOICE FADES] Um Hey! My name's AJ Amon.
- Whoo! - [APPLAUSE] Toorney! AJ: I work at the radio station called Fade FM.
And, um, I'm here delivering a mud crab to a guy called Murray.
Yoo! Murray! You know Murray? That's cool.
That's cool.
AJ: So, um Yeah.
Thanks for having me.
It is, um It's really good to be here.