The Ranch (2016) s02e12 Episode Script

1 Hey, can I talk to you for a second? If it's about the Peterson ranch, I haven't changed my mind.
We're not buying it.
And we're not turning the barn into an Airbnb.
It's not about either of those.
Although I stand by both.
I'm telling you, we put "rustic ranch experience" in the ad and people will pay us to sleep on hay and shovel our cow shit.
Fine.
Ask your question.
But I haven't had my coffee yet, so I won't be my usual bright, cheery self.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
When you asked Mom to marry you how'd you know it was the right time? Yeah, I suppose we could turn the barn into an Airbnb.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on, seriously, was there, like like, a moment or something? Or did you just know? I guess a part of me knew.
But there was this one day we're out in the pasture and your mom was looking at a hoof on this heifer and the damn thing tried to kick her.
She got out of the way just in time.
I asked her if I could help.
She said no.
No, she had it.
She just walked right up and grabbed that heifer by the ears and said, "Knock that shit off!" Anyway, that time on, I I knew your mom and I'd be getting married.
You thinking about asking Abby to marry you? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, I was gonna ask her before all that stuff happened with Heather.
But now I don't want her to think that I'm just doing it 'cause of you know, stuff with Heather.
Yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
- Let me ask you this can you imagine your life without Abby? Could live without a lot of things.
Not Abby.
Or Xbox.
Abby or Xbox.
Abby or Xbox or apricot face scrub.
I think you should marry Abby.
She's a terrific young woman.
On the other hand, - I'm not sure Abby should marry you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I know, she's amazing.
The only thing wrong with her is she's in love with me.
That makes me question her judgment.
You have a ring? I had one.
I had to sell it to pay for some of Heather's doctor's bills.
But I'll figure something out.
I mean, pawn shops have a tendency to hold onto rings for a while.
It's not like guns or power tools or swords.
Okay.
I guess we're done.
Love you too, Dad.
Do you ever shut up? Yeah, during church or the national anthem, or when a cop says, "You have the right to remain silent.
" [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Here.
What's that? - That's Mom's ring.
- Yeah.
Before that, it was your grandmother's.
I think Abby would be a great addition to the Bennetts.
Thank you.
I hug you now or at the wedding.
I'm gonna save it.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's gonna be a good one.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a nice ring.
You know, I could probably sell this and get a ring and a sword.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
I really hope she says no.
Hey, Dad.
I can't wait.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Yeah, I don't think it's anything too serious.
Probably just something he ate.
I'll come by in a couple days and check on Tucker, see how he is.
That's Drake.
Tucker was our last dog.
He's been dead for ten years.
Oh, right.
Uh Well, compared to Tucker, Drake's doing fine.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Mash up one of them anti-nausea pills and put it in his food once a day.
Charlene puts my heart pills in a Fig Newton.
You won't take pills? Oh, no.
No, I'll take 'em just fine, but that's the only way she'll let me have a Fig Newton.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- [ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
- [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- Hey, Brenda.
- Hello, gentlemen.
Wow, it's good to see you, Dale.
Will you be joining us for dinner? Oh, I wish I could, but, uh, my daughter's bringing her new boyfriend over.
Apparently, he does a podcast about soup.
Is that a job? I'm not allowed to ask.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Dale, before I forget, Charlene is coming in to get her hair colored tomorrow.
Now, this time, would you just tell her her highlights look great, instead of saying, "Where'd all the gray hair go?" Yeah, I had to spend the night in the cooldown room on that one.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [BRENDA.]
Yeah.
I won't make that mistake again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Not in front of my daughter's new boyfriend.
I'm meeting him for the first time tonight.
Apparently, he runs a podcast about soup.
- You just told us that, you old coot.
- I did? Did I also tell you to go fuck yourself? Ma'am.
- Well, that was a little weird.
- No, not really.
He tells me to go fuck myself all the time.
No, he was repeating things.
I've never seen him do that.
You think he's all right? I'm sure he's fine.
If not, he'll tell me about it.
Probably a few times.
- Yeah, no, I was - [CHUCKLES.]
I'm calling bullshit on that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey! What's up, guys? Surprise inspection.
I got a question for you.
Is everyone in here over 21? Well, I got a question for you Do you want a free beer? - All right, inspection passed.
- [ROOSTER CHUCKLES.]
Not so fast.
Assistant Inspector Hank, here.
So, guys, long time no see.
How you been? - Not great, actually.
- Oh.
The nursing home cut, like, half their staff, so I'm out of a job.
Oh, shit, that sucks.
Hey, is it true that old people fuck all the time? Yeah.
And sometimes they fall asleep and you have to pull them apart.
Money's already tight with all the wedding stuff.
We can't afford a videographer, so we're gonna park a cop car at the end of the aisle and use a dashcam.
That's actually why we're here.
I was wondering if you needed any help.
I could be a bartender, a waitress, anything.
Yeah, uh [SIGHS.]
I'm not sure I really have it in the budget to hire a "legal resident.
" [STAMMERS.]
I'm sorry.
Forget I asked.
I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
Where should we go next? Dairy Queen? No.
They do background checks.
Hey, you know what? Fuck it.
What's the point of owning a bar if you can't help out your friends, right? - Look, I'll take you on as a waitress.
- Seriously? Yeah.
No business was ever hurt hiring a hot girl, you know.
Hooters, Wheel of Fortune, strip clubs.
- Thank you! Oh, my God! - [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hey, Beer Pong.
Hey, Nikki.
What's up, guys? I work here now.
Really? That's cool.
Can I get a beer? Uh, sure.
I meant a new one, but whatever.
[CHUCKLES.]
Man, Rooster, this is really cool of you.
Hey, I'm doing security at the Thomas Rhett concert this weekend.
You want backstage passes? Whoa! Hold on.
Seriously? Abby loves Thomas Rhett.
Oh, cool, I guess I'll be taking Abby to the concert.
Come on, man.
The [SIGHS.]
All right, y'all gotta keep this a secret, but I've been racking my brain for ways to propose to Abby - Oh, my God! - You're proposing? Whoa, dude! Congrats, bro.
Hey, don't worry, I won't say nothing to nobody.
Plus, all my friends, I know they don't give a shit about you anyway, so [CHUCKLES.]
This is perfect.
'Cause I'm gonna do what I saw this guy do at the Kenny Chesney concert.
Apparently, he handed Kenny a note, and then Kenny brought him up on stage to propose to his girlfriend.
That's so romantic.
Yeah, she said no.
Hey, uh, I can give Thomas the note when I meet him backstage.
Tickets are yours, dude.
Rooster, we still owe you one.
Yeah? How much of one, like a DUI or kill a guy? Hell, if I'm the first one on the scene, you could do whatever you want.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- [DOG BARKING.]
[CLINKING.]
What the hell? Hey, Dale, I thought you weren't coming by until tomorrow.
And I thought we were friends.
Well, if I gave you that impression, I'm sorry.
Now, see, I'm used to you insulting me to my face.
What I don't like is you gossiping behind my back like you're Vicki from The Real Housewives of Orange County.
What the hell are you talking about? Brenda told Charlene that you think my cheese has slid off my cracker.
She did what? She says you're going around telling folks that I'm senile.
I've never said you're senile.
I've said you're blind.
I've said you're deaf.
I've said you dress like a rodeo clown.
Then what the hell happened? Well, I I noticed you were repeating yourself a lot.
And so did Brenda.
Well, that's no more Brenda's business than it's Charlene's business that you stop twice as often to take a piss as you used to.
I'm drinking more water now.
Bullshit.
You have a prostate as big as your mouth.
- Are you finished? - Why? You gotta go take a pee, Beau? All right, you know what? I'm gonna stop worrying about you.
You can drop dead on my porch, I won't tell a damn soul.
- Good! - Fine! I'll come back in a day or so and check on Drake, and I'll bring a bottle of Chardonnay so you can share with your gal pals.
Send up a flare if you get lost walking back to your truck.
I'll be back in a couple of days to check on Drake.
- Dale - And that is not a repeat, that is a confirmation! Hey.
Look, I didn't wanna put you on the spot last night but Dad gave me Mom's ring to give to Abby.
Got real emotional.
We had a big hug.
I think he's gonna buy me a sword, but whatever.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I just, uh, wanna make sure you're cool with it since you're the older brother.
Yeah, it's totally fine.
I'll just take it when she says no.
Hey, Nikki, these two beers are for that couple over there.
Again? God, it's like every half hour with them.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, uh Sorry, I have to take this.
It's wedding stuff.
Hank, you mind? Uh, okay.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi.
Rooster, can I get a beer? Yes, you may, and it's on the house.
I think we both know why.
I'll pay.
Listen, you're not gonna believe this, but I can't go to the concert.
What? Why? [SIGHS.]
Well, there's a meteor shower, and I forgot that I told the astronomy club that we'd camp out and watch it from the football field.
I'm so sorry.
[STUTTERS.]
Okay.
Abby, first off all, the astronomy club on the football field? What the fuck? - You gotta bail on that! - No, I can't.
I promised these kids and I'm gonna honor it.
This is the reason why I became a teacher.
This might be one of the moments where a student looks back on this and says, "That's when I decided to go to college.
That's when I changed my life.
" Okay, Billy got us backstage passes.
- We get to meet Thomas Rhett.
- Fuck the kids! What I get to touch Thomas Rhett? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, and spend quality time with your boyfriend, who you love.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, whatever.
They need two more beers.
- Thank you.
See you in a few weeks.
- Okay.
Hey, Melissa.
Hey, this is a nice surprise.
Well, I had to go to the feed store, - so I thought I'd stop by.
- Oh.
Did you tell Charlene that I thought Dale was losing it? What? No.
Well, I said that you and I thought that he seemed a little off, but mostly we talked about Heidi Meyer's fake tan.
If you want us to believe it's real, don't be showing up at Clark's Market in Crested Butte when you said you'd be in Cabo.
Why'd you do that? I was gonna tell him in my own time.
Well, Charlene was a little worried.
She thought that she might be imagining things, so I just told her that she wasn't.
Damn it.
I didn't want to put him on the spot and embarrass him.
Now he's pissed off 'cause he thinks I'm talking behind his back.
Apparently, I'm some sort of Orange Housewife.
Well, my friend asked my opinion, so I gave it to her.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm just asking you to do what I do.
Don't talk to anybody.
But that's not who I am.
When I've got a friend in need, I do whatever I have to.
Yeah.
It's just Why in the hell do you have to be so nice to everyone? Takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown.
- So you're just lazy? - [CHUCKLES.]
Look, I am sorry if Dale's upset with you.
But the most important thing is that we make sure he's okay.
Yeah.
I'm sorry if I came in with a head of steam.
That's okay.
Wow, we just had our first fight.
Should we kiss and make up? Brenda it's daytime and your blinds are open.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Did you have an employee who was, like, completely worthless at every task you gave 'em? Yes, I have.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
Fucking Colt.
[SIGHS.]
You know, it's just that I hired Nikki 'cause she's a friend, right? But it's like she's distracted, she can't take orders, she drinks on the job.
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean, could you imagine having an employee like that? Yes, I can.
Yeah.
Fucking Colt.
Rooster, you're about the most loyal person I know.
It's the reason you put up with my grumpy ass for all these years.
It's the reason you're here, helping your mom.
And it's probably why you hang on to that beard when everyone tells you it looks stupid.
What? No one says that.
This beard is awesome.
And you're loyal to your friends.
That's why you're in this situation.
The way I see it, you got two choices.
You can fire her or find out what she's good at.
People come up to me all the time, tell me how badass my beard is.
A great mustache does not need a supporting cast.
I like your beard.
Thanks, Hank.
I wish you were my dad.
Who says I'm not? What's up, Mr.
Rooster? I call you that 'cause you're my boss.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that's cute.
Look, Nikki, we need to talk.
Oh, God, you're gonna fire me.
This is just like the nursing home.
Except I didn't leave anyone outside here.
Look, I'm sorry, all right? I'd keep you on if the situation were different.
You know, like, if I had more customers or you were good at your job.
Well, I can get a bunch of my friends from community college to come.
You can? Well, I mean, that'd be awesome.
Yeah, just tell 'em all Wait, you go to college? Yeah, and my friends drink a ton.
My friend Jane had her stomach pumped twice.
Well, fucking A.
Get Jane down here.
You know, we're close to the hospital.
I'll put an invite on Facebook right now.
Uh, what's the name of this place? - Uh, Maggie's.
- Mmm, I don't think so.
I'll go check outside.
Oh, by the way, table two needs another round.
I'm on it.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hi.
- Oh, man! - [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- Oh - Hi.
Hey, hey, I'm gonna have him sign my hat.
How about you? [CHUCKLES.]
My boobs.
I'm kidding.
Unless you're cool with it.
I am not.
[SIGHS.]
Fine, my hat.
Lame.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hi! - I'm Thomas Rhett, nice to meet you.
- Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, how are you doing? - We are huge fans.
We're from Colorado.
- Oh, cool.
- I don't know why I said that.
We're in Colorado.
Will you sign my boobs? - Uh, I'm actually married.
- Oh, I don't care.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [COLT CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
She's kidding, she's kidding.
I'm Colt Bennett.
This is my girlfriend, Abby Phillips.
Cool.
Colt Bennett.
How do I know that name? Oh, I played a little football.
Oh, that's it! Oh, well, I grew up in Nashville.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, I played, like, a half a season for the Nashville Kings.
[STAMMERS.]
You catch a game? No, I was working at McDonald's when you hit that kid in the drive-thru.
[STAMMERS.]
Okay, I just grazed his bike.
We settled out of court.
- Oh.
Okay.
- You hit a kid? No, I did not hit a kid.
You know, it was bullshit anyway.
Kid was way too old for training wheels.
Do you wanna get a picture? - Yes! - Whoa! Yeah! - Okay, yeah.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
- Well, hop in here.
- Yeah.
All right, yeah.
- Perfect.
Thank y'all so much.
- Okay! Thanks! [CHUCKLES.]
- Have a good time at the show.
- Oh, oh, hey, Thomas, - one more thing.
- Thanks.
Thomas.
Thomas.
I got [SIGHS.]
- You hit a fucking kid? - [SIGHS.]
The court sealed the case.
I don't have to talk about this! [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
I'm glad you're here, Dale.
I was hoping we could talk.
I've come to see Drake.
Come here, boy.
If you wanna say anything to me, you can tell Brenda and Brenda'll tell Charlene and Charlene will tell me.
Oh, come on, Dale, even on Housewives, Gretchen listened when Vicki said she wanted to apologize about calling her a hot mess.
Colt showed me an episode.
If you wanna apologize, comparing me to Gretchen is a damn poor way to start.
Come on.
Got out the good whiskey.
You mean, I'm-sorry-I-was-an-asshole whiskey? I'm surprised you have any left.
I should have come to you, made sure you were all right.
I'm fine.
- I can do 20 push-ups right now.
- Well, go ahead.
Well, I don't mean "right now" right now.
I ain't wearing my push-up Wranglers.
Look, we're both getting up there.
There ain't any shame in it.
Our bodies, our minds, everything's falling apart.
I feel like an old Ford.
Or a new Chevy.
Yeah, getting old sucks.
I used to be able to buck 100 bales of hay without breaking a sweat.
Now, I got to take a nap after eating dairy.
I do like being able to clean my teeth in a cup.
I talked to Charlene.
I'm gonna go to the doctor and make sure everything's all right.
Well, that's the right thing to do.
Just be prepared The nurse is a man.
[SIGHS.]
What if they give me bad news? They're not gonna give you bad news.
But, hey, if they do by the time you get to the truck, you won't remember anyway.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THOMAS.]
My, my T-shirt Yeah - You were wearin' my T-shirt - [CHEERING.]
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Pardon Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Make-A-Wish kid coming through.
[ABBY GRUNTS.]
Why don't you cough or something, baby? Colt, that is awful.
Move, please.
- [COUGHS.]
- Yeah, attagirl.
Holy shit! [WHOOPS.]
We're so close I can see the dip can in his jeans.
Thomas! Thomas! Down here! - I'm the guy who hit the kid! Thomas! - Colt! - What are you doing? - I wanna request a song.
Oh, here, I'll do it.
Thomas! Look at my boobs! [COLT.]
Shit.
He didn't see it.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Well, I gotta go pee.
What? No, you can't go! Colt, in two minutes, I'm peeing.
The only question is where.
- Go in here.
- Are you high? I'm going! Excuse me.
Sick kid coming through.
[COUGHS.]
Thomas! Thomas! Hey! Hey! Bring me up, man! What the fuck? [GRUNTING.]
- What the hell? - Oh, I'm sorry, dude, I tripped.
Thomas, look at the fucking note.
Excuse me.
Hey, here you guys go.
[SIGHS.]
Nikki, this is crazy, man.
I've never seen this place so packed.
Oh, by the way, the hospital called.
They pumped Jane's stomach and she's doing fine.
So I'm not fired? No, you did awesome.
You gotta keep this up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great.
'Cause this job means, like, everything to me.
- Uh - Um, okay, I'll be back in a few.
I'm gonna go get high in my car.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nikki, what are you doing? That's what the bathroom's for.
What the hell kinda college is she going to? Hey, what's up? I'm Rooster.
I run the place.
Hey, I'm Brittany.
Cool beard.
[CHUCKLES.]
I fuckin' knew it! Do people call you Rooster because they want you to be the one to wake them up in the morning? Oh, shit.
You are trouble.
- What are you drinking, Brittany? - Just a Bud.
Just a Bud, huh.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Well this one's on the house.
We'll call it the, uh, pretty lady discount.
Well, aren't you sweet? - I hope I see you later.
- Mmm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hey, was that your girlfriend? 'Cause if it is [CLICKS TONGUE.]
she's definitely cheating on you.
I'm with the Colorado Liquor Enforcement Division.
You just served alcohol to a minor.
I'm going to need to see your liquor license.
Not so fast.
Assistant Inspector Hank here.
[THOMAS.]
No matter how much I get I'm always craving That feeling when we kiss The way your body moves - Shit.
- Hey! Where the hell have you been? The bathroom line was so long, so I went and got a beer.
But then by the time I got into the bathroom, I finished that beer.
So I went back and got another beer, and then I had to go to the bathroom again because of the first beer.
Oh, then on the way here, I spilled your beer, so I can get another one.
No.
No! No, do not move.
Just stay here.
You're not gonna do your breakdancing, are you? No, I'm It's better than that.
I'll breakdance after.
Just don't move.
- Colt, what are you doing? - You're gonna love this.
Sunset eyes No, I don't have to try Because you know Thomas! Hey.
[GRUNTS.]
Colt! But, girl, my self-control's so paralyzed Come on, dude, you gotta get me outta here.
Colt, we can't let anybody out until the concert's over.
Haven't you ever been in a drunk tank before? Hundreds of times.
But never sober.
All right.
Yeah, I'm busting out.
If you do that, I'm gonna have to taze you.
I'll put it on a lower setting, but you're gonna have to twitch around a lot.
Colt! What the hell is your problem? You're not really supposed to be down here.
- Shut up, Billy.
- All right, I'll just leave you two alone.
I'm sorry, Abby, but trust me, I had a real good reason.
Oh, you always have excuses.
"I was too drunk.
" "It's Rooster's fault.
" "You can't get a DUI if you use cruise control.
" - Hasn't let me down yet.
- [SIGHS.]
But trust me, this is legitimate.
So then why did you do it? I can't tell you.
[SIGHS.]
Of course you can't.
Why do you do shit like this, huh? - Are you ever gonna grow up? - Abby, I got a good reason.
Yeah, that you can't tell me.
[SIGHS.]
I just can't Find your own way home.
All right, fine.
You know what? The reason I got on stage tonight is 'cause I was gonna to do this.
What are you doing? You are the greatest thing in my life.
And no matter how many times I mess up tonight included you're always there for me.
I'd be lost without you.
I love you.
Abigail Phillips - will you marry me? - Oh, my God! [CHUCKLES.]
What do you say? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm kneeling on broken glass.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes, of course, yes! - [CHUCKLES.]
Give me your finger.
- All right.
[LAUGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I love you.
[SOFTLY.]
I love you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]