The Ranch (2016) s02e16 Episode Script

When You Come Back to Me Again

[JOANNE MOANS AND CHUCKLES] Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] Okay, not that I I don't like what's happening, but what's happening? I'm sorry.
That was forward.
[CHUCKLES] But when I'm with you, I couldn't be happier.
And when I'm not, I can't wait for you to come back.
- You're like hunting season.
- [CHUCKLES] Well, right now I think you're you're hunting without a permit.
Um, what about you and Brenda? Brenda's a great woman, but she's not you.
So you ended things with her? No, not yet.
I didn't have much of a plan beyond coming here.
- Just had to see you.
- [CHUCKLES] I'll go see Brenda tomorrow at the salon.
Wouldn't be right for us to start anything without talking to her first.
Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
Roger was too much of a coward to tell me that he wanted to be with someone else.
So I came home one day, thinking he was on a plane to Seattle.
But instead, he was on a flight attendant in our living room.
[JOANNE CHUCKLES] That was the first time that I got to show a flight attendant where the exit was.
Hard to blame him, if the only other choice was going to Seattle.
[CHUCKLES] So, uh, after you talk to Brenda, shall we have dinner? Sure.
How about Saturday night? I'll cook for you.
Only if you're cooking steak.
You really are the one.
[REAGAN OVER SPEAKERS] Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that's your phone, Dad.
Brenda.
You don't wanna answer it? I don't wanna talk to her right now.
You want me to talk to her? I'll talk to her.
You touch that phone, and you're gonna pull back a fuckin' stump.
What's going on? Got a little trouble in paradise? This have anything to do with Joanne coming back to town? [CHUCKLES] Juggling two women, huh? Your life is like a soap opera.
You know, now'd be a good time to explain to Colt he was adopted.
Why would I be the adopted one? You're like 5'3".
[BOTH CHUCKLE] With that beard, you look like a fuckin' leprechaun.
[ROOSTER CHUCKLES] Hey, there's a car coming up the drive.
Good, maybe they'll run me over.
- [ROOSTER] Oh! - Holy shit! - [ROOSTER] Hey! - There's my three favorite guys! Oh, Colt! [GRUNTS] - [ROOSTER] What's up, Mom? - Hey, Rooster.
[GRUNTS] And Drake Aw, you Hey, Beau.
[CHUCKLES] Hi, Mags.
What are you doing here? What do you mean? I missed you guys.
Hey, what happened to your Jeep? Oh, I donated it.
Yeah It's now a bookmobile for some underprivileged kids in Appalachia.
Mostly, because it broke down in Appalachia.
- [GRUNTS] - Bookmobile.
That's like what Batman would drive if he was a fuckin' nerd.
[CHUCKLES] Sit down.
What you been up to? Oh, let's see.
Well, last week, I was hiking in the Grand Canyon.
That sounds like something I'd like to do.
Yeah.
I also did a sweat lodge.
Just 40 women in a small yurt for five hours, sweating and searching for their inner truth.
I'm out.
I met this woman named Carol, and we went and checked out Montezuma's Castle.
It's from the Hopi tribe.
And when you go in, there's a mural on the wall, with a mother talking to her sons, and they're both on their phones, clearly not paying attention.
- That sounds awesome.
- That sounds good.
All right, enough about me.
Colt, how's Abby? [SCOFFS] She's great.
Uh, lost her job.
She's living in the house now.
How's she great? It's it's what people say, Mom.
Uh, actually, she's at an interview right now for a teacher job.
Hope she gets it.
She's been smoking, like, a pack a day and crying herself to sleep.
She's great.
Hey, I saw some stakes out on the property line.
What are you putting in, land mines or a moat? They're surveying the ranch.
Rocky Mountain Energy wants to put a pipeline in.
What'd you say? "No" or "Fuck, no"? [CHUCKLES] Actually, I'm considering it.
The company's got a good track record.
Oh, okay.
One of those nice oil companies.
Yeah, I'm sure nothing will go wrong.
When you take your cattle to market, you can sell 'em leaded or unleaded.
Maggie, you've been home for five minutes.
You really wanna do this now? You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just glad the family's all together.
- Oh, yeah, sounds great.
- Sounds awesome.
[THEME SONG PLAYING] - [VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING] - Aw, come on.
[GRUNTS] - [COLT] Hi, babe.
- Hey.
All right, let me ask you something.
You ever think that, uh, Super Mario looks like a young version of my dad? [IMITATING SUPER MARIO] It's me, Beau Bennett! Why you no close the gate? - [NORMAL] Ah.
- Yeah, that's cute.
What's the matter? Ah, shit.
Interview didn't go well? No, it was great.
Thirty people with master's degrees, all competing to be a seventh grade home ec teacher slash field hockey coach.
By the way, if anyone asks, I went to the Cordon Bleu cooking school on a field hockey scholarship.
Yeah, no problem.
[STAMMERS] And if anyone asks you, I finished my community service.
What's this? And to top it off, I grab this box out of my truck and the bottom fell out.
- Shit went everywhere.
- [COLT CHUCKLES] I broke my Denver Broncos snow globe.
I saved Terrell Davis, but John Elway went down the storm drain.
Don't you worry about John.
I'm sure he's in the sewer right now, leading a team of rats to a game-winning touchdown.
Fuck-a-dee-doo-dah, that's a fucking Pixar movie right there.
- Gracias.
- That's not all.
You know, I went to my dad's office, he offered me a job at the dealership.
Oh.
Is it something you wanna do? Well, what I wanna do is be a teacher.
But it would be a steady income, and it could help pay for the wedding.
It would relieve some of this stress.
Plus, I look fucking great in John Deere green.
Okay.
So, like, how would this work? There's still a couple months left in the school year, right? [STAMMERS] I mean, I honestly don't know 'cause I was always in summer school.
Well I don't know.
I thought I'd try it out for a couple weekends, and if I like it, then I'd start in the summer.
By fall, I'll either be a manager or lose my arm in a hay baler.
Either way, I'll have great medical.
So, what do you think? First of all, I think you'd look hot with a hook.
[CHUCKLES] But, you know what? If this is something you wanna do, - I'm a 100% behind you.
- [CHUCKLES] - I tell you one thing.
- Mmm.
If I came in there to buy somethin', I saw you there? I'd spend a lot more than I could afford just to impress you.
[CHUCKLES] Aw.
Holy shit, I think I just figured out what's wrong with America.
Hey, bro.
Guess who hooked up with Engineer Jen last night? Fuck you.
[LAUGHS] Dude, I am serious.
We did it Lionel Richie-style.
All night long.
Okay.
Well, I hooked up with, uh, Danica Patrick on the hood of her GoDaddy car, so - No, dummy.
I'm not kidding.
- Yeah, neither am I.
Wait, are you kidding? 'Cause I'm really not kidding.
- Oh, I'm telling the truth.
- So am I.
Okay, so you hooked up with Engineer Jen, and I hooked up with NASCAR driver Danica Patrick.
See, when you say it like that, I go back to not believing you.
Hey, we have to take down these bikini posters.
What, are you kidding, Mom? That's a beautiful woman wearing a stars and stripes bikini.
That's not a poster, that's America! You take that down, you're desecrating the flag.
Pretty sure she desecrated it when she made it into a thong.
Nikki, what do you think of this? I'd pledge allegiance to that ass.
This is who I burned my bra for.
[SIGHS] Did did you drop a cigarette down your top? [CHUCKLES] 'Cause I've done that before.
It's sad how some people make it through this world just on their looks.
Hey, I was going through the books and, well, I found this reminder, "Call Blonde Hair, Red Bra, Annoying Laugh.
" Mmm! - Oh, yeah! I forgot about Annoying Laugh.
- [CHUCKLES] [BOTH IMITATING NASAL LAUGHTER] Oh, man.
She was hot.
Fuckin' annoying laugh, though.
Yeah, well, it also says on this napkin that you owe Walt Hansen $185 for fixing the dishwasher.
Oh, yeah, you can forget about that.
No, I gave Walt two kegs for his birthday party.
He called it even.
Really, I came out ahead because, you know, I went to that party and drank at least 200 bucks worth of beer.
Did you at least get a receipt? I got a picture of him pumping the keg like he's jerkin off.
[BELL RINGS] [BRENDA CRYING] Hey, Brenda.
Hey, Beau.
Wow, what what you doing here? - You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- You sure? - [CONTINUES CRYING] I'm used to dealing with tears.
I raised Colt.
[CHUCKLES] What's wrong? It's the anniversary of Jim's death.
I know it's been years, but it just feels like yesterday.
'Course.
I'm sorry.
It's all right, but I have been like this all day.
[SIGHS] I cried through Amber Martin's perm and Kim Dunbar's highlights, a little boy's first haircut.
But he was crying, too, so we got through that one together.
[CHUCKLES] Well, that's understandable.
I'll tell you the same thing I told you back then.
It's all right to be sad.
It's okay to miss Jim.
And what'd he do with his Broncos tickets? [CHUCKLES] Oh, thank you for cheering me up.
[CHUCKLES] [SNIFFLES] Mmm.
I'm lucky to have you.
What brings you by? Oh, right.
Well, I stopped by to talk to you about getting some shampoo for Colt.
Wow, so soon? [CHUCKLES] Good grief, is he one of those idiots that actually rinse and repeats? Here you go.
This is what he uses.
$18? What the hell is in this? Shea butter, lemongrass and milk thistle.
I think I'll just pick up some dog shampoo.
[LAUGHS] What's all that? Oh, I just stopped by my house and picked up some mail.
Are those bills? You don't live there anymore, you ain't gotta pay those.
I'm terrified of the day when we have to check your credit score.
[CHUCKLES] All right, sell me a tractor.
No, Colt.
I'm not in the mood.
- What? No.
I'm not Colt, I'm Ted.
- Oh, God.
Ted Tractor Buyer.
You see? This is why we don't role play in bed.
Last week you were Ted Sex Haver.
- It's like - [CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
- What? - Oh, it's just a card from my students.
They found out that they're changing schools, I'm not going with them.
"Dear Miss Phillips, I'm gonna miss you.
" - "Miss Phillips, you made history fun.
" - Hmm.
"Miss Phillips, I have to take this class again next year.
It's gonna suck not getting to look at your boobs.
" What the fuck? [SCOFFS] It's just Lucas.
He's looking for attention.
Yeah, well, he got it! "Miss Phillips, I love you so much.
If you weren't there for me when my mom got sick " [SIGHS] [SIGHS] - "I don't know what I would have done.
" - [CHUCKLES] "You're an inspiration to me.
" Yeah, well, I don't feel like an inspiration.
I feel like a fucking failure.
[SCOFFS] I just wish I could go back a year, when things were so much easier.
Okay, let's think about this differently.
Now, a year ago, you didn't have all of this.
Yeah, but you know, I had a future, and a house, and a wedding I could afford.
I wasn't always fighting with my parents all the time.
So, what are you saying? Your life was better before I come back? No, I'm not saying that.
It's But Ugh, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, well, it matters to me.
I'm pretty sure I didn't have nothing to do with Garrison closing down.
I'm I'm pretty sure I didn't have nothing to do with you losing your job or your house.
- Colt, I'm not blaming you.
- No, you're not blaming me.
You're just saying you wanna go back to a life where I wasn't in it.
Okay, great.
Yeah, everything is great.
I'm a 34-year-old woman, living in my boyfriend's childhood bedroom.
I haven't even been here a week, and I've already, three different times, walked in on your dad while he was cleaning a gun in his underwear.
So that's the way it's gonna be? What does that mean? It means if you're so miserable not teaching, then go on and teach.
What? Why didn't I think of that? I should just teach.
Oh, wait, that's right, I tried.
There's nothing out there.
Abby I played football for 15 years.
I played for 23 different teams, and that ain't including the ones I didn't make.
You went on one job interview, and you're gonna you're gonna give up, you're gonna quit? That's fuckin' pathetic.
Oh, so now I'm pathetic? Okay.
Great.
Thank you for all of your help.
Oh, oh, there you go, there you go, just give up.
Yeah.
Is that the advice that you give to to Erin or Lucy or Did fucking Lucas draw boobs? [SIGHS] Hey, Rooster, I'm heading out.
Can I get an advance for next week? Uh, yeah, sure.
Can I get an advance for my next beer? All right.
[SIGHS] Thanks.
See you.
Bye, Mrs.
Rooster.
It's Maggie.
And it's on the sign! What Do you always pay her in cash? Huh? Oh, no, not always.
Last week, I had 200 bucks on a scratch-off, so I just gave her that.
What if she gets audited? How's she gonna explain all those deposits into her bank account? Mom, that's crazy.
Nikki doesn't have a bank account.
You can't pay employees under the table, you know? If you don't pay taxes, they can't get health insurance.
And judging from how she dresses, she's gonna get a few colds.
It's just not ethical to do business this way.
Yeah, well, is it ethical I tell people that Carrie Underwood might show up here for karaoke night? No, but it's good for business.
Last week, we were so packed, they had to take down the fire capacity sign.
Not just about making money.
I mean, you gotta do things the right way.
For instance, there's three whole days where there's absolutely no receipts.
Right.
[SIGHS] Well, those are the three nights we got shut down.
What do you mean, "shut down"? Look, it was a bullshit trap, okay? They sent in this hot girl to come in here and flirt with me.
So we're flirting, I end up giving her a beer.
Turns out she's underage.
Oh, you got a citation for serving a minor? How is this the first time I'm hearing about this? Because I took care of everything.
And it ended up not being that big of a deal.
No, I'm the judge of what's a big deal.
And guess what? It's a big fucking deal! I'm gonna go sit over there.
This place is important to a lot of people in this town.
Especially me.
All I asked you to do was take care of it while I was gone.
Yeah, and I've done that.
And by the way, you didn't ask me, okay? I volunteered to help.
Yeah, well, you wanna help? Stop fucking around before we get shut down.
You know what? You don't like the way I do things? Fine.
Do it yourself, Dad! Hey, Joanne.
Hey, Beau.
Brought you a present.
Four Roses.
- That's what I brought you.
- It's the same bottle.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] I never got the chance to open it before I left for Phoenix.
And you don't wanna take whiskey when you go visit your daughter in rehab.
I know.
I gotta keep booze away from my kids, too.
They're like fucking truffle pigs for it.
So, listen.
I was gonna call you, but I wanted to tell you this in person.
This doesn't sound good.
- I didn't end it with Brenda.
- What? It was the anniversary of her husband's death.
Oh.
I'm I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
- [SIGHS] She was pretty upset.
I'll go talk to her tomorrow.
Delaying the cow to slaughter doesn't make it any easier on the cow.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, maybe I should talk to her.
I was gonna talk to her today, but I wanted to give her some time.
Well, you're a good man, Beau.
- I should probably head out though.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
Is it bad if I want you to stay? You want me to stay or the whiskey? Is it bad if it's both? [CLEARS THROAT] If the whiskey stays, I stay.
- Good.
- [CHUCKLES] So, how was your day? What's new at the Cracker Barrel? Well, 29 days ago, a customer left the cutest sweater.
So in two days, that baby's mine.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Brenda.
- Hey, Beau.
Hey Oh, hey, Joanne.
- Hey, Brenda.
It's been a while.
- Yeah, it has.
Uh, I wanted to thank you for coming by the other day, but I didn't know that you two were getting together.
Oh, she just stopped by.
We were, uh just talking about the dangers of alcoholism.
I'm sorry, I'm being rude.
Can I get you a drink? Uh, no, I don't want to interrupt, so I'm I'm just gonna get going.
No, no.
I'm I'm gonna go.
Beau and I can catch up another time.
- It was nice to see you again.
- Yeah.
You, too.
So, what? [CHUCKLES] Just another friendly dinner with Joanne? What is going on? I'm so sorry.
I stopped by the salon yesterday to talk to you.
But it was pretty clear it was the wrong time.
Oh Wow.
You didn't break up with me while I was crying over my dead husband.
What a gentleman.
This isn't what I intended.
None of it is.
Brenda, wait a minute.
When I said I was Things were done with Joanne, I I thought they were.
I never wanted to hurt you.
Guess I'm just gonna have to take your word for it.
Wonder why I'm having such trouble doing that.
Yeah, hey, is this Lucas? What do you mean, "Who's this?" It's your worst fuckin' nightmare.
Hey, I'll call you back.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Hey, uh, listen.
I want to apologize.
I, uh I I went off on you, and I just I wanna be the person that you can count on when things get crazy, not the person who makes it worse.
No, I should apologize.
I never wanna go back to a time where you're not in my life.
[CHUCKLES] - I knew you didn't mean it.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] - I mean, how could you? - Well.
But you were right, I needed a kick in the ass.
Wait.
Oh, so yelling at you was good? Like, my dad's been right all along? Like, screaming at people helps? [CHUCKLES] I spent the whole day sending out e-mails to a ton of schools, and getting in touch with every teacher I've ever worked with.
I did everything I could think of.
You know those e-mails that say, "Come back to LinkedIn"? Well, I did.
I came back! I am not gonna give up that easily.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah! That's Babe, that is so great.
I'm gonna yell at you all the time, you crazy bitch! - Colt, what the fuck? No.
- I'm sorry.
I was just trying it out.
I All right, I'm gonna go get changed, and then we can grab some dinner.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES] Applebee's? No, you fucking asshole.
Uh-oh.
You're fixing the chair.
What's wrong? Nothing.
It was wobbly.
Ah, no.
We were married for 40 years.
Whenever stuff goes wrong in your life, you start fixing things.
The drought of '72, you fixed all the hinges in the barn.
Let's see.
When your mom died, you replaced the engine in the truck.
And we never would have had new cabinets if Reagan hadn't been shot.
[TOOL CLATTERS] After you left, I started dating Brenda.
Well, all right.
Well, look, I know I had issues with her in the past, but I've made peace with that.
So, I'm happy for you both.
And then I kissed Joanne.
Ha, ha! Fuck you, Brenda! I'm glad one of us is enjoying this.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, it hasn't been all sunshine and roses for me, either.
- Clint and I broke up.
- Ha, ha! Fuck you, Clint! What happened? The other night, you said everything was great.
Oh, I didn't wanna talk about my love life in front of the boys.
That's why we had two of 'em, Maggie.
So they'd leave us alone and talk to each other.
Hey, do you know what's going on with Rooster over at the bar? I know he lied to me about meeting Carrie Underwood.
He had the place shut down for three days.
And when I got pissed off, he didn't take responsibility.
He just said I was acting like you.
What, that you were hardworking and handsome? If Rooster doesn't want me yelling at him, he shouldn't keep fuckin' up.
That definitely sounds like something I'd say.
You know, when it came to the ranch, I always thought you were a little tough on the guys.
But now I get it.
I mean, you were just protecting something that you built.
Listen, Rooster screwed up, but he handled it.
He's always been this way.
He may be the guy that set the bar on fire, but he's also the guy that would run in to save everybody.
And then he'd come running out with his fuckin' leprechaun hair on fire.
Hey.
Hey.
I thought you'd be here.
Yeah, well, bar ain't gonna fuck itself up.
Look, Rooster, I'm sorry about last night.
If it weren't for you, I never would've been able to leave Garrison.
I had great experiences.
I made a difference.
I saved those baby turtles in North Carolina and I went skinny-dipping in the Gulf of Mexico.
[CHUCKLES] - Mom.
- Oh, grow up.
You came out of me.
Look, I had the best three months of my life, and I owe it all to you.
Well, I was happy to do it.
And, you know, it's like the Bible says "Providing for your family, the most badass fucking thing you can do.
" [CHUCKLES] Well, thank you.
And I love you.
And you're fired.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey! Guess what? I just got an e-mail.
I got an interview.
- That's amazing! - Yeah! All right, what college did you go to, and what sport do you gotta learn? [CHUCKLES] No, it's a history teaching job.
- And I don't have to lie at all.
- Oh! But, um, you might.
'Cause I put you down as my ex-principal.
[CHUCKLES] If they ask, I am a conscientious and exemplary educator.
- [CHUCKLES] - I'll write it down.
Oh, no, I got this.
Oh, by the way, I came up with the title for that John Elway rat movie.
Sewer Bowl Champions.
Yeah, I'll write it down.
Listen, um, there's just one catch.
Oh, my God.
Is fucking Lucas going there? [CHUCKLES] No.
The job is in Denver.
- Denver - Yeah.
I'd have to move there.
- Where in the hell is the solvent? - [ABBY CLEARS THROAT] [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]