The Ranch (2016) s02e17 Episode Script

Do What You Gotta Do

You can't fire me.
I'm a part owner.
No, I never once said that.
Well, a lot of chicks think so, all right, so keep it to yourself.
I'm sorry, Rooster, but this bar is the only thing I have.
I can't risk losing it.
It's like my baby.
I'm your literal baby.
I mean, you really think I'm that stupid I'm gonna lose it? No, it's not that.
Although, you have lost every cell phone you've ever had.
And that sixth grade class iguana.
Oh, and I found these in the door.
- Those aren't mine.
- Oh? "If lost, please return to Rooster, the most badass motherfucker in the universe.
" I mean, I'll throw it in lost and found.
Look, I came here to help you, all right? I'm not gonna let you down.
Oh, sweetie, you're not letting me down.
Would I have hired children to dress up as leprechauns and serve beer on St.
Patrick's Day? Eh, probably not.
I love the fact that you did this for me, but it's calving season.
You're really needed at the ranch.
Well, what about you? The whole reason I took over is so you could get out of here.
Oh, I think it's a good time for me to be back.
I can help Colt and Abby with the wedding.
And when it comes time for me to get back on the road, I'll just find somebody to run this place.
Until then, the only place you should be pouring alcohol is into your mouth.
No one knows you like your mom.
Wait, so Denver? What, are you gonna move? How's that gonna work? I don't know.
I'm just excited someone might wanna hire me.
What happened to your pep talk? That's for jobs around here, like in the Pizza Hut delivery zone.
Colt, it's just an interview.
Yeah, yeah, but what if you get it? I haven't thought that far ahead.
I haven't even thought about what I'm gonna wear.
Shit, what am I gonna wear? All right, all right.
You know, just tell 'em you can't do it.
And obviously, your navy Michael Kors jacket and your dark Banana Republic jeans.
Why would I tell 'em that I can't do it? And the Banana Republic jeans are weekend casual, not business forward.
Hey, we're getting married.
Like, we're starting our lives together.
How are we gonna do that if you're working six hours away from home? We don't know what's gonna happen.
And, if it does happen, we'll move there together.
Oh! Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
I hope we get a first floor condo.
That way I don't have to herd my cattle into the elevator to take 'em out to graze in the lobby.
So this is about your career? Didn't realize it was more important than mine.
I'm not saying that.
I just We agreed to start our lives here.
Really? Because I bet if the Broncos offered you a job as their quarterback, we'd be moving to Denver.
That's football! That's serving your country.
Colt, you didn't give a shit about being here a year ago.
I've been a teacher for ten years.
It's the only thing I've ever wanted to do since I saw Ms.
Frizzle take that Magic School Bus inside the human ear.
Why can't you just find a job around here? 'Cause I don't know when that's gonna be.
And I'd like to be able to afford things, like food and health insurance.
What happens if I get pregnant? What, we're gonna go out to the barn and your dad's gonna deliver the baby? I mean, he's only lost two calves in 30 years.
I do not want you to do this.
You're the one who told me not to give up on teaching.
I'm going.
I say stupid shit all the time.
The one time you're gonna listen Why didn't you listen when I said we should teach Drake how to fetch a beer? So, what can I do for you, Maggie? Well, I've been doing some research on the pipeline.
Ah, fuck.
Look at this map.
Do you know that the pipeline runs right under the Blue Mesa Reservoir? Yeah, they mentioned it.
Remember we stopped at this bridge here, to take some pictures? Instead, the boys just pissed over the railing.
"Look, Daddy, now it's the Yellow Mesa Reservoir.
" Yeah.
Next day we cashed in their college funds and bought a VCR.
The point is, with this pipeline, the best case scenario is a spill that everybody hears about.
But the worst case is some unseen leak that we don't hear about till people start to grow a second head.
That's twice as many people talking to you, Beau.
You don't think I've been struggling with this ever since they approached me? This land's been in my family ever since my father's father started this place.
And yes, I wish Colt did have two heads.
Then he can finally see how fuckin' annoying he is.
There are a ton of people protesting this pipeline.
I mean, I'm surprised you're not one of 'em.
You hate having people on your land.
Remember when that census worker came? You met him at the door with a gun and said, "You can leave or the population can drop by one.
" I'm surprised you're even considering this.
Maggie, I don't have to explain myself to you.
This is my ranch.
Look, it's just this.
In 30 years, there have been over 9,000 pipeline spills, and that's just in the United States.
I just know if something goes wrong, you won't be able to live with yourself.
I'll think about it, okay? Okay, thanks.
Oh, another thing.
I fired Rooster, so he's coming back here to work.
- Good.
I'll be glad to have him.
- But? No buts.
We could use the help.
Are you fucking with me? No, I love my boys.
And this conversation.
Hope to see you again soon.
You're fucking with me.
- Morning, Mr.
- Morning, Abby.
You heading somewhere? Yeah.
I'm, uh, going to Denver.
Well, I'm not sure what Colt did, but I can't say I'm surprised.
And I hope we stay in touch.
No, I'm going for an interview.
I'm staying overnight with a friend.
So Colt didn't fuck anything up? - Mr.
- Asked and answered.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Colt? - Hi.
Gassed up your truck.
Checked your tire pressure.
- You're good to go.
- Thanks.
You didn't come to bed last night? No.
Watched SportsCenter twice, memorized the Top 10, then went over to Rooster's, pretended like I guessed 'em all.
I passed out on his couch.
When I woke up in the morning, somehow he'd moved the couch out to the pasture.
Guy's a fucking genius.
There's a speed trap in Glenwood Springs.
I know.
Cop hides behind the "Freeze the Fat" billboard.
Just north of Vail, there's a DUI checkpoint.
It's not even 6:00 a.
Yeah, just figured you might have a drink to calm your nerves before your interview.
I'm not gonna drink.
Guess you won't be needing this.
Okay, well Good luck, I guess.
I'll, uh, call you when I get to Denver.
I mean, you did go to all the trouble.
Drive safe.
You wanna talk about it? - Nope.
- Good.
You hear from your brother? Yeah.
He said he's coming back.
- You wanna talk about it? - No.
I wish we could not talk like this every day.
Let's get to work.
Now who in the hell is this? Looks like Sam Peterson.
Brand new Silverado.
Don't tell me he got that at Elway's dealership.
He did.
It's right there on the fucking plates.
Fuck me.
Hey, Sam.
How are you? I got brain cancer.
How about you? - I got Colt.
- Oh, shit.
Even worse.
Man, old people are mean.
What brings you by? Come by to let you know I'll be closing the deal with Neumann's Hill at the end of the week.
And I'm still willing to give you a better deal than them, if you're interested.
- I'd say we're definitely interested.
- We're not.
- I mean, we can talk about it.
- We can't.
- We'll get back to you.
- We won't.
I appreciate you thinking about us, Sam.
Well, if I am selling to Neumann's Hill, I got a lot of stuff that you're welcome to.
Lumber and feed, a whole bunch of insulation.
And it's the good kind, too, before they banned asbestos.
Asbestos? I'm not touching that shit.
I'll send the boys over for it.
There he is.
Call me the McRib, 'cause I'm back, bitch! - I'm glad you're back, man.
- Yeah, man.
Me, too.
Hey, so, uh, did Abby take on that interview? Yeah, she left this morning.
What are you gonna do if she gets the job? Got no idea.
That's why I gassed up her car and put in a mix CD.
All songs about missing home.
"Back Where I Come From" by Kenny.
"Home" by Dierks.
Some song by Hank Jr.
called "OD'd in Denver.
" She'll get the message.
Oh, hey, check out what I've come up with.
Get out.
- Holy shit! - Yeah.
I have never loved being a rancher more than I do right now.
Whoo! Man, how did we not come up with this sooner? Man, actually Dad invented it.
He threw a hammer at me and I ducked.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I know what we're doing today.
Yeah, I wish.
I gotta go out and check to see if any of 'em heifers are calving, and you gotta go muck the stalls.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Uh, one small change.
No fucking way.
Look, I know it sucks, man, but somebody's gotta shovel shit, so Yeah, cool.
Well, let me know how that goes for you.
Uh I've been running this ranch with Dad for the last six months.
Oh, that's great.
I've been running this ranch with Dad for about 15 years.
Did you get hit in the head with one of these hammer-darts? Two of 'em hit me.
That don't change the fact that I'm in charge.
You're in charge.
Uh, just one little change.
Um no fucking way.
Hey, check it out.
Why don't we handle this like adults, all right? - One round of Hammer-darts.
- Oh.
All right.
Closest to the bulls-eye gets to pick.
Okay? Just so you know, I'm already a legend.
They call me MC Hammer, because you can't touch this.
Boom! I'm like fuckin' Thor.
Just like the McRib, I'm gone.
Here's some almond milk.
Colt likes it, so I figured a lady would.
Thank you.
So, these contracts are ready to sign.
Do you have any last questions? Just one.
Am I making a huge fucking mistake? Oh, definitely.
Sign right here.
- What are you worried about? - Is this pipeline safe? My ex-wife says there's been, like, 9,000 oil spills in the last 30 years.
The fact is, the vast majority of those 9,000 spills are smaller than the amount of almond milk I'd put in my coffee.
You know, if I was as much of a girl as Colt.
When did it become acceptable for a man to wear lip balm? Look, pipelines are safer than tankers to move fuel.
They are constructed by engineers who are obsessed with safety.
Trucks are driven by people like Well, your sons.
If it's so safe, why are people protesting this pipeline? There are people who will protest everything, Beau.
Even ranchers.
There are people who think it's wrong to eat animals.
Yeah, well, tigers don't eat grass.
Look, you don't have to decide today.
Take some time.
Make sure you're comfortable with your decision.
Thanks, Jen.
And just so you know, I wouldn't be doing this if I thought it was bad for the Earth.
I was a huge activist in college.
You would've hated me.
Oh, I don't think I would've hated you.
I campaigned for Al Gore.
I would've hated you.
What's up, Jen? Oh! Hey, Rooster.
This is getting awkward, you stalking me like this.
Did you get any of my texts? Yep.
Yep, I've just been really busy with work.
Yeah, yeah.
That's cool.
Just didn't want you to think I was blowing you off after our, uh after-hours meeting.
You know, sex.
Look, Rooster, I hope this isn't too blunt, but I regret what we did, and I never wanna see you again.
Well, trust me.
There are plenty of ways we can do it where you don't gotta see me at all.
It was a bad night for me.
I thought I was getting some sort of revenge on my ex, but really, I was just punishing myself.
Well, if you really wanna get back at him, we should probably do it again.
This time, take some pictures.
Goodbye, Rooster.
You didn't say no.
Lose my number.
Still not a no.
You know, to sex.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just out doing more work than Rooster.
We need to make a final decision on this pipeline.
It involves all of us, so we're gonna decide together.
Oh, well, hang on a second.
Is this, like, one of those times where we're gonna vote, but our votes all count as one and your vote counts as four? Yeah, 'cause when we was kids, we all voted to go to Disneyland.
But we ended up going to a reenactment of the Battle of fucking Gettysburg.
Do they let you shoot a cannon at Disneyland? I don't know! I ain't never been! Look, we all know what the ranch means to this family, and I wanna do right by it.
Your mother has some valid concerns, and we all have an equal voice here.
That's something we learned on our visit to Gettysburg.
All I wanna say is, we can't just be concerned with what happens here at the ranch.
Pipelines fail.
Yeah, but Mom, Engineer Jen said there was, like, barely any risk.
She works for the gas company.
Of course she'd say that.
It's like Doug down at the bowling alley saying he sprayed your shoes.
He just wants his two bucks.
He doesn't care whether your feet itch for a week.
I swear I saw that guy huffing disinfectant in the alley one day.
Sweet mullet, though.
Look, if they don't build the pipeline, the risk of a problem is zero.
Yeah, Mom, if they don't build this pipeline, the amount of money we're gonna get is zero.
We can't base the decision just on money.
That isn't the way we raised you.
We raised you to care about the community and see how your choices affect others.
And they're our neighbors, right? We go to church with them.
We drink with them.
We ask them not to press charges when you get drunk and run naked across their lawns.
Mom, you know, if we don't take that money, any one of them neighbors you're talking about would.
Well, then let it be on their conscience, not yours.
My conscience is fine! I mean, we break our backs here every year.
- We deserve that money.
- Exactly.
Look, does Dad deserve a brand new Sharper Image massage chair that I'd use when he's not around? Probably.
But this money means more to us than that, Mom.
I mean, last year we almost lost this place.
Yeah, this money gives us a cushion to make it through the lean years like we ain't never had before.
I mean, it's breathing room.
It's freedom.
And sure, maybe two Sharper Image massage chairs sitting side-by-side.
Would you listen to yourself, Colt? Don't you think that sounds a little bit selfish? Look, if it's selfish for us to want the Iron River Ranch to survive another three generations, then fine.
We're being selfish.
Beau, what do you think? Look, if this was just up to you and me, we'd probably tell these people where they could shove their pipeline.
But the boys are the future.
Jesus, that's scary.
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I appreciate you letting me state my case.
I know you're disappointed, but I hope you'll respect the decision.
I do.
But it's the same bullshit line you used when you made us go to Gettysburg.
Oh, all right.
I'll go talk to her.
Dad? Putting in that pipeline's the right decision.
I hope you're right.
I will say that I liked hearing you and Rooster talk about the future of this ranch.
Would you say you're proud of us? I would not.
I'm going to bed.
Hey, hey, uh, as long as long as we're talking about the future, I got a question I gotta ask you.
We're not going to fucking Disneyland.
It's the happiest place on Earth, Dad.
They wouldn't let you in.
Look, uh, you know, before Rooster came back, I was pretty clear about what my responsibilities were around here.
But now that he's back like, who's your second-in-command? Same thing I've always said The dog.
I know.
He's also the one you'd save in a fire.
But let's let's say you and Drake were away and there's an emergency on the ranch.
And Rooster wants to handle it one way and I want to handle it another.
- Who decides? - I'd say you figure it out, and then when you do the wrong thing, I'll yell at you.
Dad! Somebody has to be in charge.
'Cause, otherwise when we disagree, there ain't no way to settle it.
Look, Colt, you've done a good job for me the last six months.
You're becoming a better rancher every day.
But Rooster worked for me for 15 years.
And he's run his own ranch.
Rooster's your number two? If you're gonna make me say it, yes.
Thank you for telling me, sir.
I thought you weren't coming home till tomorrow.
Yeah, well, that was before I completely blew my interview.
- It couldn't have been that bad.
- Oh, really? Well, I had a Red Bull to get my energy up, and between the caffeine and my nerves, I started sweating.
So I stuffed a bunch of tissue under my armpits and then forgot about it until I shook the principal's hand.
And then a huge wad of wet tissue fell on the ground.
I had to pretend it was a magic trick and say, "Ta-da!" All right.
That's pretty bad.
No, that was when the interview was still going well.
When I went down to pick up the tissue, I split my pants.
Oh, no! When the interview was over, I had to back out bowing like a geisha.
Come here, baby.
- I'm sorry.
- Mmm.
Selfishly, I'm glad you're home.
Yeah, me, too.
Plus, it was like every song I listened to was telling me to come home.
That's weird.
- Beer? - Sure.
So, how was your day? Dad decided to finally put in that pipeline.
- That's good.
- Yeah, sure.
All right, what's wrong? I know you.
If everything was good, you wouldn't be up here drinking helmet beers.
You'd be downstairs drinking fridge beers.
My mom fired Rooster, so he's back working here.
And after one day my dad made him his number two.
I'm sure you're just reading into things.
Abby, you know I don't read.
He literally said, "Rooster's number two.
" It's just I always had this dream, you know, like someday, I'd be like my dad.
You know, the ultimate provider.
I'd have this ranch, I'd be able to take care of you and our kids.
It's That ain't gonna happen here.
This place is Rooster's.
So we'll kill him, no big deal.
You know your dad is gonna leave it to both of you.
All right, so then what? Best case scenario, we share it? Ab, this place barely provides for one family.
How are we gonna support you and me and our kids, and Rooster and his kids, and some step-kids his first wife left behind when she went to jail? Don't worry, we'll get through it with love in our hearts and beer in our helmet.
No that ain't gonna be enough.
You deserve way more than that.
And I'm gonna get it for you.
I know you will.
I love you.
I'm gonna get ready for bed.
Uh Oh, you know what? Shower beer.
Peterson? You out here? Hey.
What are you, uh what are you smoking in there? Venison? Rabbits? Pot.
Okay, yeah, for the cancer? Sure.
Why are you here? Uh, well, I was Do I still have time? Or you already made that deal with Neumann's Hill? No, not until Friday afternoon.
But I'll sell it to you right now for a pizza.
Peterson, I wanna buy your ranch.
What about your dad? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a pizza either.
I wanna work on this.
I'll go down to the bank and get a loan.
I just I need to know I still got time.
Colt you know I'd rather sell it to you than some corporation.
Well, you know this land.
You love it.
You respect it.
You tell me what you need, and I'll help you make it happen.
You're already giving us a pretty good deal, but maybe you take a little more off the price? Not a chance.
Give us a little more time to come up with the money? No fucking way.
Okay, so same price, Friday afternoon? Like I said, anything I can do.
So, I'm thinking, "What is this sweet little elderly woman doing on her ninth plate of all-you-can-eat pancakes?" And I look at her purse and that blue-haired bitch brought Tupperware.
I wonder how many chicken-fried steaks I could get in my hat? Oh-ho-ho! The ol' Four Roses, huh? I've been looking for that.
This kid couldn't find Waldo in five different books.
Rooster? Oh, yes.
Thank you very much.
- Oh-ho-ho! The good stuff.
- Ah, yeah.
Let me get that.
I'll take three fingers of that.
I'll give you one.
I don't know if you boys are interested, but this is a really good bottle.
If you smell it first, you'll notice notes of oak and maple and caramel Oh! You're already done.
Ooh, there's the maple.
Hey, Mom.
What? You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can.
- What's up? - Dude, Mom's in jail.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- Ah, crap.
- What'd she get arrested for? Protesting the pipeline.

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