The Ranch (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

Baby I'm Burning

How's the dress look? - I don't wanna get married.
It's that bad? No, I'm serious, Colt.
I wanna postpone the wedding.
No, you No.
What are you doing? It's bad luck to see the bride in the dress before the wedding.
Oh, no! My boob popped out! Wow.
You look so beautiful.
I ain't even disappointed your boob ain't out.
I look like a bag of fucking marshmallows.
We're not even getting married for a month.
It'll only get worse.
Well, I love marshmallows.
They're in a lot of my favorite things: S'mores, Lucky Charms, Grape-Nuts when I put marshmallows in them 'cause all we got is Grape Nuts.
Our wedding is supposed to be the best day of our lives.
You know what my days are like now.
My feet are swollen.
I have constant backaches.
There's an angry munchkin using my bladder as a speed bag.
Colt, why don't we get married after the baby's born? Whoa.
Okay, we've been planning this for four months, okay? And you know I don't wanna get married after the baby comes.
Then it'll be the "B" word.
Okay, you can say "bastard.
" Whoa.
Not in front of baby Peyton.
You don't even know if it's a girl or a boy yet.
Only now you understand the brilliance of the name Peyton.
Look, just I want our baby to be born with parents.
What? Whether we're married or not, we'll still be parents to little Peyton.
Damn it, now I'm doing it.
Look, it's wrong to have a child out of wedlock.
Oh, God, Colt.
Listen I've been dreaming about this day since I was a little girl: the flower girl spreading rose petals, my dad walking me down the aisle, my first dance with you.
And not once did I ever imagine myself looking like the Michelin Man's mom.
I get it, okay, but this is the first decision we're making as parents and I don't wanna make the wrong one.
Colt, I love you and I wanna get married.
But I don't wanna be some white-trash bride.
I wanna have fun.
I wanna line dance with you to "Boot Scootin' Boogie," and shotgun a beer, swig Fireball Whisky out of the bottle.
Okay, that, that still sounds pretty white trash.
I don't wanna get married like this.
Well, I do.
I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
Well, all right, fine, when're we gonna talk about it? After the baby's born.
I see what you did there.
No, we'll be fine, Mags.
Let me know how it goes up there.
All right, talk to you.
Seems like your mom might've found a buyer for some of Peterson's old equipment.
Wait, is she up in Denver? Is she gonna pass that Lululemon outlet on the way back? 'Cause I got a list.
You see this? [TANYA.]
We're looking at live footage of two fires Oh, shit Tanya got a haircut.
Man, I'd kill to have that volume.
I'm talking about the wildfire behind her.
At this time, the fire services And Tanya cut her hair two weeks ago.
Try to stay up with the news.
I'll tell you, it's kinda hard to see past Tanya.
Oh! That fire's blazing out of control.
Yeah, it's up in Montrose County.
If the wind turns south, it's gonna head straight for us.
- Yeah, and if the Democrats get elected, they're gonna take away our guns and make the national pastime huggin'.
There ain't never been a fire north of us that turned south.
Just get the fucking firewood and everything else that'll burn away from the house.
And check that gravity line.
We'll figure out what to do with the cattle when the time comes.
And why don't you get on Disc up the field, and put all the heavy equipment and the feeders in the middle.
I got it.
Where'd you learn all that ranching stuff? Lululemon? Montrose, huh? It's by the Vossler ranch, innit? Yeah, they had to evacuate the whole area.
But don't worry.
The governor declared a state of emergency, and he tweeted out "thoughts and prayers.
" It included a little emoji of hands praying, so problem solved.
You know what the government ought to declare a state of emergency? The government.
That's funny.
Do you really think it's funny? Or you just making fun of me? No, it's very funny.
Good one.
I know it's funny.
I don't need your validation.
That shit is funny, though, right? [GROANS.]
Genny busted? It's more than busted, dude.
It's gone.
Time of death? Right the fuck now.
All right, I'll take a look at it.
Oh, that you laugh at.
If that fire comes through here, we're gonna need this generator to power the pumps, so figure the damn thing out.
Yeah, that's a great pep talk, Dad.
It's like that time you took the training wheels off my bike, and told me to stop falling down.
When I took that helmet away from you, you learned to ride it, didn't you? Yeah, I made it all the way to ER without falling down.
Dad, look, it's trash.
There's no money for a new generator.
There's no money for anything.
Yeah, well, maybe Colt can come up with one of them mystery checks.
That ain't gonna happen.
Come on, dude.
Why don't you tell us where that check came from? What happened, uh, J.
Watt knock up Abby? He's paying you to pretend it's yours? Why would I keep that a secret? That'd just be fucking awesome! All right, enough.
I don't care if you have to duct tape it or super glue it.
Quit whining and fix it.
Same thing he said when I broke my arm after I fell off my bike.
There's no way they need this many tests.
They've taken so many samples already, I feel like a goddamn Costco.
Doctors know what they're doing.
Do you think you know more than the mechanic when you take your truck in? Why in the hell would I take my truck to a mechanic? Hello, Mr.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Boyd, this is Joanne.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm impressed he has a female doctor.
That's very open-minded of you.
Her dad died and she's using his name.
She tricked me.
We have the results of your blood work and things look good.
Well, I'm glad you're able to tell me that at 3:53 for my three o'clock appointment.
I'm sorry about the wait.
The good news is we got your HDL cholesterol up, but we need to get your LDLs lower.
We also need to get something else on your waiting room TV other than The View.
Well, the last time you came, there was a soccer game on and you called me a communist.
I'd like you to switch statins.
This one targets the LDL a little better.
I got a question for you.
This should be fun.
How much are the crooked pharmaceutical companies paying you to hawk this new medication you're putting me on? That was fun.
Maybe this will make you feel better.
I have to update the seating chart.
Turns out Uncle Gary's coming to the wedding.
He's bringing his friend.
His male friend.
Don't be surprised if they're dancing together.
Ma, they're gay.
We get it.
They don't like to be called gay.
Yes, they do.
I don't know what's PC to call anybody anymore.
The whole thing's retarded.
Well, if Gary is coming to the wedding, don't sit him next to my opinionated cousin, Bobby.
That's PC for racist.
Also, he don't like the gays.
Oh, before I forget, I spoke to Father McGinty.
If we're gonna use him, we've gotta let him know ASAP.
August is his biggest month for funerals.
Some stubborn old folks just won't put on their AC.
Seventy-eight degrees is fine, Janice.
Can we please just change the subject? All we ever talk about is the wedding.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited.
It's just, you're my baby girl, and I I wanna give you the wedding of your dreams.
Yeah, the wedding of my dreams.
All right, look, I'm sorry I didn't say this sooner, but I just, I just, I didn't know how.
I'm gonna have to postpone the wedding.
What? Colt, I thought we were gonna talk about this some more.
No, no All right, look I'm sorry.
I just I got a lot going on right now.
The two ranches, we gotta get the cattle to market.
We just We're gonna have to hold off the wedding until after the baby.
And you didn't wanna stop at the drugstore for my Xanax.
So, our grandchild is gonna be born out of wedlock? [STUTTERS.]
Philips, Mrs.
Phillips no matter when this baby's born, it's gonna have two parents that love it.
Well, I know I won't love it the same.
I can't believe you're doing this.
Especially when I've been so supportive of you.
- Okay.
Hold on, Mom, this isn't - Abby, don't.
If your parents are gonna be mad at someone, let them be mad at me.
Well, you're damn right we're mad.
You know how much energy and time Janice has put into this wedding? She made a PowerPoint.
Oh, hi.
You must be the blushing bride's parents.
- It's a pleasure to meet - It's not a good time, Hank.
It never is.
Oh, man.
All right Well, we'll talk later, at some point.
Probably? [ABBY SIGHS.]
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
I'm glad your dad forgot to turn off the blinker halfway home.
It drowned out the sound of your mom sobbing.
Well, I appreciate you taking the bullet like that for me with my parents.
You didn't have to do that.
That don't change nothin'.
Your dad hated me ever since our first date when I showed up and said, "Thank you for making your daughter so hot.
Or it may have been the, uh, Federal Bikini Inspector T-shirt that you wore? That's a play on words, babe.
"Federal Bikini Inspector" instead of "Federal B-I.
" Shh, don't listen to him.
I'll teach you things.
Listen, I've been thinking, and I know how important it is for you to be married before the baby comes.
It's important.
But I want you to have the wedding of your dreams.
Well, how about this? What if we go to the courthouse tomorrow, you and I, and get married? [CHUCKLES.]
Are you serious? Yeah, and we we could still have our big wedding later.
Yeah, I mean, technically we'd be married before we had the baby.
- Hell, yeah! - [CHUCKLES.]
No That way we both, we both get what we want.
It's like a Sleep Number bed.
So, do we invite your parents? [STUTTERS.]
No, we'll tell them after.
Listen, I mean, it'll be great.
We could we could celebrate with everyone later and everyone will be happy 'cause it's official.
Fireball! Tomorrow will just be our thing.
Yeah - I like our things.
- Yeah.
This is like when you do a crossword puzzle while I am playing Xbox.
Or when you read a book while I'm playing Xbox.
- Or when you play Xbox, and I see you did something wrong, but I don't say nothin' until it's my turn to play Xbox.
Okay, if you could have sex with an Xbox, would you still be with me? I'm so excited we're getting married.
Oh, my God! You're so bad! - [LAUGHING.]
Look at these people, waitin' on an emergency to stock up on supplies.
Well, Beau, not everybody has three years of beef jerky in their bunker.
They'll hear you and come for it.
Hey, if I give you some money, will you buy me some allergy medicine? Sure.
Why can't you? Well, last time my daughter was in town, she used my driver's license to buy, like, 40 packs of Sudafed to make meth.
I'm on a list.
I got more guns than the entire country of Canada.
I'm on no list.
God bless America.
Bennett, your prescription's ready.
That'll be $130.
Good thing I have insurance.
That's after insurance.
Are you kidding? 130 bucks every month? What's the point of having insurance if it doesn't pay for anything? Keep 'em.
Beau, hey, Beau, Dr.
Boyd said you needed that medicine.
Well, of course she did.
She wants to pay for that DirecTV soccer package.
Everything isn't a conspiracy.
Oh, hell, they're all in this together: the doctors, the drug companies, the insurance providers, the food industry.
"Please take on a full stomach.
" Fuck them.
You sound like those guys who call into the Rush Limbaugh Show.
I've called Rush Limbaugh.
How the hell are you supposed to pay for this? They're trying to screw us 'cause they know they can.
I know it isn't fair, but what're you gonna do? If one of your kids needed these pills, wouldn't you buy 'em? All right, let's go.
- Oh, hey.
- What's up? - Do you smell smoke? - [CAR DOOR CLOSING.]
News said they're doing a controlled burn down off the 145.
Don't think it's nothing to worry about.
Yeah, they also said don't worry about the bird flu, but I tell you what, I see a pigeon sneezing, I'm crossing the fucking street.
Hey, come down to the courthouse tomorrow? What's the matter, you got a female judge? Want me to come down there and bang her gavel? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Me and Abby's getting married.
We ain't inviting anyone, but I want you to come and stand for us.
Yeah, dude.
I'd be honored.
What're you doing bailing on the wedding, though? You know, you owe me a drunken bridesmaid.
Oh, we're still doing the ceremony.
Just after we have the baby.
Abby wants to get drunk at the wedding.
Plus, the baby can wear one of those tiny tuxedos.
If you weren't in the wedding, I'd say he could borrow yours.
Yeah, that's cool.
You know, I'm gonna start buying your kids cigarettes when he's like nine, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, do me a favor.
Come help me unload this genny.
Yeah, you fix 'er up? Where'd you get this? Oh, from this, uh, new generator store just opened up.
It's called None of Your Fucking Business.
That's the same high school your pretend girlfriend went to.
No, seriously though, did you steal this? Oh, dude.
Come on, man.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, no.
Fuck that, man.
You know the rule.
Anything you fit in your pocket from 7-Eleven's okay: dip, candy, nachos.
Look, man.
We're all doing what we gotta do to keep the ranch going No, no! We ain't all doing shady shit, man.
Oh, really? Where'd you get that check? Look, you know I can't tell you.
Well, then I can't tell you where the generator came from.
No, there's a big difference between taking a loan from somebody who wants to help out quietly and stealing a fucking generator.
What's the difference? Well, one ends with the phrase "Pick up the phone.
The man wearing lipstick behind the glass is your Uncle Rooster.
" Dude, I'm solving Dad's problem, okay? If the fire hits us, which it's not going to, now we got a generator to run the pumps, run the sprinklers.
All right, what're you gonna tell Dad? I don't know.
Tell him the same shit you did.
"Well, I can't tell you, Daddy.
I'm like a mysterious hero.
I like to wear boots with insoles in 'em.
But when we're both wearing socks, I'm not much taller than my handsome brother Rooster.
" You'll have to tell Dad something.
It's not your problem, dude.
Now help me unload this thing.
Come on.
Come on, can you lift your side a little higher? Oh, shit what am I saying? You're like a foot shorter than me.
If you see my signed John Wayne photo there, put it in the box.
If that means there's no room for some of the boys' artwork, let it burn.
Almost all the pictures are just Colt.
Once he figured out how to use the auto-timer, that's all he did for two years.
And then, when he discovered the hair dryer, that's all he did for two years.
Did he frost his tips? I don't know what that means.
Put it in the box.
What do you think, Beau? The fire gonna miss us? I sure hope so.
I don't wanna live '96 all over again.
Did you get hit? Yeah, we lost a lot of good grass, but no cattle.
Would've been a lot worse if not for those firefighters.
Poor Duner Clark's whole place went up.
He finally gave up and went to New Orleans just in time for Katrina.
He ended up dyin' in a tornado in Tulsa.
The man was like a bug lamp for natural disasters.
Well, we got lucky and it missed us.
We lost our garage in '15.
There was no fire in '15.
After my daughter bought all that Sudafed, she blew up her meth lab.
Well, things can be replaced, but people can't.
- Yeah.
- So here you go.
- What's this? - Those are your pills.
We can do this whole thing where you get angry, or you can just take 'em.
I expect my boys to do shit behind my back, not you.
Angry it is.
Look, I'm not hiding this, Beau.
If I were, I'd crush these up.
I'd put 'em in your coffee, the same way I do with my daughter's birth control pills.
That hot mess does not need another kid.
I told you I didn't wanna waste my money on that stuff.
Well, you didn't.
I did.
Back when it was time for your surgery, I told you I wasn't sticking around unless you took care of yourself.
And you promised that you would, so I stuck around.
You've gotta hold up your end of the bargain, Beau.
I love you, Beau.
Why? It's the tender way you respond to a woman opening her heart to you.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just I love you too, Joanne.
So does that mean Crush 'em up and put 'em in my coffee.
Rooster! [SIGHS.]
God, where the hell is he? Hold on.
Oh, no! My boob popped out! Well, he's definitely not here.
Do they ever actually pop out? No, they don't.
They're not you in boxer shorts.
- All right, we'll give him five minutes.
- Yeah.
So what's in your backpack? [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Some documents for the courthouse.
What, you mean the one piece of paper that we fill out when we get there? Okay, there's also a bag of rice in there.
I was gonna throw it at you.
I mean, not the whole thing at once.
Oh, you don't throw rice anymore.
You throw birdseed, 'cause rice expands.
It makes the birds explode.
Seriously? Colt, it's not a good thing.
Come on.
What is in the bag? Well, it might be a little present in there for you.
Ooh-hoo! That's so sweet! - Okay.
- Okay.
All right, I know for a wedding you're supposed to get something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.
But I mean it is really hard to find all those things at once.
Well, that's 'cause they're supposed to be four different things.
So Oh.
That's part of the surprise, 'cause it's all of those things at once.
- So, surprise! - Oh.
Oh, those are actually real tissues in case you tear up at the courthouse.
In case I tear up? Well, the point is they're tissues.
- Just open it! - Okay.
- Oh, my God! It's a John Elway jersey! - [LAUGHING.]
- But it's game worn, so it's old.
- Oh.
But it's new to you.
And it's blue, and I bought it with money - I borrowed, so - [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, thank you, Colt.
This is amazing.
- Okay.
Now, if you don't like it, I know someone who'll take it off your hands and treasure it.
You're regretting giving it to me already, aren't you? This might be my biggest sacrifice.
I'm glad you like it.
I got you something too.
- Well, you better have.
That was my grandfather's favorite bolo tie.
I love it.
Yeah, he gave it to me right before he died, And said that he hoped that I would meet a man worthy enough to wear it.
And since I never did, I'm giving it to you.
Oh, I can't imagine my life without you.
And I'm so glad that I don't have to.
I guess what I'm saying is, is that you can inspect my bikini any time.
I love you so much.
- I knew these would come in handy.
- Hey.
Wind shifted.
- What? Fire's coming right at us.
We gotta get out of here.
- Let's go.
- Really? All right, get those Rain Birds all set.
- I got some of your old artwork.
- Oh.
My dad's sentimental about that stuff.
- Oh, uh, I grabbed my Xbox.
- Good.
- How much more is there? - That's pretty much the last of it.
We just gotta get the guns.
You see that fire? It is time to get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
- Fire everywhere.
Ash falling from the sky.
It's like Backdraft.
Remember that movie? It still holds up.
Go! I gotta go help my parents.
Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? No, I'm fine.
Their place is away from the fire.
You finish up here.
I'll meet you at the high school.
Text me as soon as the Elway jersey's safe.
And me? Yeah, of course, you.
That goes without saying.
Well, it shouldn't.
Love you.
See you.
- Be careful, Abby.
- You, too.
Hey, Dad, did you by chance pack up any of my hair products? Of course I did.
It's the first fucking thing I grabbed.
- Hey, I grabbed the basement guns.
- Oh.
Did you get the bathroom gun? Dude, we moved it, remember? Now it's the kitchen gun.
Oh, right.
Hey, don't forget the bullets.
That's good thinking.
All right.
- Okay.
- All right, let's roll.
Hey, Dad.
We look kinda badass right now.
Would you mind taking a picture real quick? Get in the goddamn truck.
Where's Drake? Drake! [WHISTLES.]
Hey, get up there.
Dad, where you going? - I wanna make sure the gas is turned off.
- I double-checked.
It's off.
Maybe we forgot something else.
Dad, we gotta go.
I'll meet you at the school.

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