The Ranch (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

Dad, come on, we gotta go.
We've done everything we can.
- Have we? - Oh, come on, Dad, that's a trick question, all right? 'Cause if we say yes, then we're stupid for being wrong.
If we say no, we're stupid for not having done everything.
Tell us what we're stupid for.
Let's get out of here! You didn't get all the ammo out of the house.
Dad, if we take the time to do that, we won't die from the fire.
We'll die from old age.
I'll get it myself.
Get out of here! - [MAGGIE.]
Hello? - Mom? Wha What are you doing? You should've been at the school by now.
How many times did she say that to us? Dad won't leave.
It's like when we go to Bass Pro Shops or when Colt goes to fucking Sephora.
They always have something new.
You two, go.
I got Hank out of the bar.
I can get Dad outta here.
We won't leave without you guys.
Colt Reagan! Jameson Ford! You'll do as I say! Now get your asses the fuck out of here! - Yes, ma'am.
- Said that a lot too.
Beau Roosevelt, get out here! Is that your mother's Bible? That's sweet.
It's her picture I was after.
[MAGGIE.]
Ah.
What, uh, book did you have it in? Judges? 'Cause that's all she ever did.
I know you hated her.
To be fair, she hated me.
I just hated her back.
My dad took this picture of her the day before he died.
You got the photo.
It's time to go.
Come on.
Yeah.
Beau, they're shutting down Highway 145.
If we don't get out of here, we're gonna be on the wrong side of this fire.
How am I supposed to leave? I know there's a lifetime of memories here, but Yeah.
Like the time Rooster put that sign on the chimney that said, "Dear Santa, please leave the gifts on the porch.
Dad shoots trespassers.
" And you threw red food coloring over the snow just to mess with him.
He cried all night, but he believed in Santa after that.
What will you be? The idiot trying to put out a wildfire with a garden hose? I don't expect you to understand.
This ranch is part of me.
I can't just walk away.
What's the worst that happens? It burns down and you rebuild.
I'm 72 years old, Mags.
It's too late to start over.
Look, if you wanna stay here and go down with the ship, go ahead.
I'll go to the school and be with the rest of your family.
Fuck! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
This is crazy.
It's like the whole town's here.
Yeah.
It's terrible.
Ah, look at that.
She got him out.
- Oh, shit.
Did you bring any condoms? - I'm engaged to a pregnant woman.
Okay.
Worse comes to worst, I can use a sandwich bag and a rubber band.
Hey, Mom.
Holy shit.
Look at all this.
It's unbelievable, everybody crammed in.
Ironically, there's no way this isn't a fire code violation.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, where's Abby? Oh, should be here soon.
She went to check up on her folks.
I tried to call, but phone lines are down.
Yeah.
That or she realized she's marrying you and drove into the fire.
Who's in charge here? It's a shitshow.
Whoever it is, I have a feeling there's about to be a regime change.
I'm not trying to take over.
I'm just saying, nobody's signing anyone in, so how do we know who's here and who's missing? And what good is a pallet of water doing stacked in the corner? You know what? Fuck it.
I am in charge.
- Let's get you settled in.
- I got it.
Okay.
Glad you're here, Dad.
I'm not.
I should be ensuring that heavy equipment got moved to the pasture.
Took care of everything, Dad.
Kicked into leadership mode and Colt was a good little worker bee.
I also tore down some of the fence on the east border.
What? Why in the hell would you do that? Well, that was all Colt.
Part of being a good leader is giving credit where it's due.
I did it in case the wind shifts, so the cattle won't be trapped by the fire.
I already cut it on the south side.
The downwind side.
That's where those cows will go.
If I wanted that other fence down, I'd have cut it myself.
Yeah and save every single cow by yourself too, huh? That fence borders on the Hollister ranch.
What you think'll happen when our bulls get in with his registered cows? When will you stop doing dumb shit behind my back? There's no chance I'm not an idiot on this one? I can answer that for you.
Even if that fire misses us, that old man will have a fit.
We're gonna have to gather cows, separate cows.
Run tests, give 'em shots We'll be lucky to avoid a fucking lawsuit.
You're right.
It was better if I let the cows burn to death along the fence line.
You know what? For somebody who fucks things up all the time you'd think you'd start trusting my judgment.
You always make things worse.
Once again, I'm glad you're here, Dad.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
Do whatever in the hell you want.
Hey, man, I had your back.
- Hell, I was worried about you.
- I'm fine.
I was talking to Drake.
Man's best friend, meet man's worst.
[GROANS.]
I saw Maggie and the boys.
How's Joanne holding up? She's visiting her granddaughter for her kindergarten orientation.
It's a Montessori school, which probably means you can't spank the kids.
Orientation? What do they need to learn? Don't yell at each other and raise your hand when you piss your pants? Same rules as a retirement home.
Sleeping on a cot, whole life in a duffel bag, and no control over anything.
I feel like I'm in Vietnam all over again.
Well, here come the Viet Cong.
FEMA's showing up.
Good Lord.
As if we're not fucked enough, now they're sending in the government.
I don't know.
Maybe this time, they'll come in and help with the disaster relief and have a positive impact on the community.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I can't stand sitting around here doing nothing.
I hear you.
Not too well, but I do hear ya.
This place is a mess! We're already losing water pressure.
I don't think it's gonna last, even if we do Rooster's group shower idea.
Oh, Charlene said to say prayer group is starting, and to make sure that your hearing aid is on so you don't say amen three times during the prayer.
Oh, when the spirit moves me, the spirit moves me.
Long as it moves you away from me.
Well, since I'm about to go pray for forgiveness, you're an asshole.
- So you won't be joining us? - Amen.
- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Colt.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, where's, uh, where's Darlene? Oh, she took her kids to her boyfriend's house.
So if the fire gets too close, they can hitch it up and drive away.
Why don't we all just live in trailers? - [MARY CHUCKLES.]
- [COLT.]
Hell So, how you guys holding up? All things considered, we're doing okay.
We'd rather be safe in our own home, but silver lining, handing out blankets counts toward my community service.
How you been? I've been good.
Um, I've actually been taking some classes to be a vet assistant.
- What? - Maybe even a vet someday.
[COLT.]
Wow.
- You'll be able to write prescriptions? - Yeah.
For animals, Colt.
You never had a horse tranquilizer and a Red Bull.
I call it a Sleepy Bronco.
It sounds like it should be called a Cry for Help.
How's everything else? It's good.
Yeah.
I've been busy.
We bought that Peterson Ranch.
And Planning for the wedding.
I'm up to 20 pull-ups now.
How's Abby feeling? She's gotta be pretty far along now.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that That's, uh Abby's pregnant which you already knew.
And obviously, I didn't tell you 'cause [STAMMERS.]
I mentioned I'm up to like 20 pull-ups now.
[HEATHER CHUCKLES.]
It's okay, Colt.
I'm happy for you and Abby.
In fact, um, I brought you something.
Is it my Kacey Musgraves CD? 'Cause I was wondering if you was giving that back.
Whoa.
Yeah, um When we had to evacuate, I was looking for things to take and I saw this guy.
- You and Abby should have him.
- Thank you.
It's got my initials carved into it.
Still got the bullet hole where Rooster said it came up lame and had to put it down.
Jesus, boys are fucked up.
Yeah, we never met a doll or a fish that we didn't wanna put a firecracker in.
Thank you.
It was good to see you, Colt.
- You too, stranger.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, by the way, if you and Abby ever disagree on a parenting decision, I agree with Abby.
Yeah.
I heard that a lot.
Oh, hey, Mr.
Philips, Mrs.
Phillips.
I'm glad you guys are safe.
Yeah, we're fine.
That's enough small talk.
I see the Hendersons have staked out the best cot location.
Where's Abby? I wanna talk about my day and Chuck won't do it with me.
What are you talking about? She went to your house to help you guys out.
We haven't seen her since we dropped you off last night.
And you told me it was unethical to put a GPS tracker on her, but here we are.
Shit.
Phones are still down.
I'm sure she's fine, but I'll go look for her.
I'm going with you.
No.
You don't have to.
Colt, this is my daughter.
I wanna make sure she's okay too.
Oh, hi.
I didn't get a chance to meet you two last night.
It's still not a good time, Hank! You just let me know when it is.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Mary.
You cold? Want a blanket? Uh, no, but judging from your nipples, you might want one.
Hey.
My eyes are up here, all right? Not a piece of meat.
- Unless you're hungry.
- [LAUGHS.]
No, I just ate.
[ROOSTER CHUCKLES.]
- How you doing? - Oh, I'm okay.
- Trying to keep my mind off all this.
- Yeah.
My insurance company's been screwing me for years, so I'm putting in a claim for the fur coat, diamond earrings and Ferrari I lost in the fire.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
That is badass.
Don't forget I parked my Harley in your garage.
Aw, you just said, "Parked your Harley in my garage," and did not make a sex joke.
Yeah, well, I'm maturin'.
You know? You wanna fuck in the janitor's closet? Babe, I got us waters.
Thanks, boo.
This is my boyfriend, Nick.
Oh.
Shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Nice to meet ya.
How you doin'? Soft hands.
No beard? You got a desk job? Sort of.
I worked in the library while I was in prison.
Library? Nerd.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nah, I'm just kidding.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Uh, you mind if I get in here? Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Didn't mean to cot-block ya.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, Rooster, we'll We'll see you around.
Yeah, yeah.
Catch you guys later.
I'm gonna go practice my Brazilian jujitsu.
Do you know what belt comes after black? I'll figure it out.
Got a lot of empty beer cans in the back of your truck.
Oh.
Yeah.
I pick 'em up off the roadside.
Recycle 'em.
I care about the community.
You only pick up Coors Light tallboys? Oh! It's the brand most litterers prefer, huh? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
[SIGHS.]
I shouldn't have let Abby go by herself.
No shit.
Even if you had tried, you wouldn't have been able to stop her.
Abby's a strong-willed girl.
You can't change her mind.
[COLT CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
If you could, I'd be sitting here with somebody else.
Oh, she'll be okay, though.
She's tough.
We binge-watched four episodes of This is Us.
She didn't cry.
Not once.
I'm sorry about postponing that wedding.
We don't have to talk about it now.
Yeah, well.
We don't get to talk, just you and I, very often.
I think that's by design.
I'm sorry about the wedding.
And I'm sorry about the job offer.
Oh, and I'm sorry about using your NFL Sunday ticket log-in.
Is that why I can't watch? Do you know how many hours I spent yelling at customer service? I made that poor Indian man cry.
- Bill from Omaha, my ass.
- [COLT CHUCKLES.]
Maybe I've been tough on you.
But if you have a daughter, you'll understand.
If I have a daughter, she's gonna be a gay nun.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CAN OPENS.]
Oh, can you believe someone left a full one in the ditch? [CHUCKLES.]
Must've been a cold ditch.
So, how's everything with the ranches? Ever able to pull together any money? Yeah, yeah, we pieced something together.
Depending on this fire, we should be able to get the cattle to market.
Janice tried to talk me into giving you a loan, but I'm sorry, I still think it's just throwing good money after bad.
Yeah, no, I get it.
In fact, we don't ever have to talk about that again.
[GRUNTS.]
I don't even know how you drink this stuff.
I don't even like beer.
Still got it.
Have you seen Colt? Oh, he and Chuck went to get Abby.
Why the hell doesn't anybody tell me anything? It's a mystery.
You seem so approachable.
So now that you prayed, is it safe to assume the fire's out? Now you can joke if you want to, but you did miss a great prayer circle.
We didn't have any communion wafers, so we used Oreos.
Turns out the body of Christ was double stuffed.
Dear Lord, can you please make Dale go away? Behold the power of prayer.
I get you didn't wanna go to prayer circle, but don't make fun of people who did.
I always make fun of Dale.
That's the way we communicate.
I don't get it.
You used to like to go to church.
Well, things change.
Now, the ranch is my church.
It doesn't have to be one or the other.
Look, Maggie, I've prayed.
And all it got me was a divorce, a heart attack, and a ranch that's running on fumes.
Oh, yeah.
There's a wildfire that's about to wipe out the whole fucking town.
I know our life hasn't been perfect, but we have a lot to be thankful for.
We have two sons, we have a grandkid on the way, and there's a gym full of people who are safe from that wildfire.
You're right.
And that's all because you held hands and had a chit-chat with God.
Look, I'm just saying that I prayed for Colt when he got pneumonia when was a baby and he got better.
And then I prayed that you would come home safe from Vietnam and you did.
And I said that same prayer again when you had a heart attack and here you are.
Still alive, still a pain in the ass.
- All that would've happened anyway.
- You don't know that.
Look, Maggie, if you wanna pray, go pray.
But leave me out of it.
- I just think it would help you - What don't you get? I don't want any fucking help! God.
Maybe you should've stayed at the ranch.
Hey, we should talk about Nick.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
You worried prison turned him? 'Cause that happens.
Kinda got that vibe.
[CHUCKLES CONDESCENDINGLY.]
No.
Um, Nick's not just my boyfriend.
He's actually my ex-husband.
Oh, first ex-husband.
And third.
And he's Darlene's dad.
Pretty sure.
Oh, shit.
That Nick? He sent Darlene a carton of Newports for her eighth birthday, right? In his defense, in prison money, that's like buying her a pony.
[CHUCKLES.]
It may sound crazy, but, um, he's worked hard to turn his life around.
Yeah, well, look.
I don't need to get in the way.
I'm just the hot piece of ass on the side.
Nothing's gotta change.
Yeah.
Actually, it does.
Okay.
Well, I am open-minded, but I'm not doing nothing where me and Nick are, you know, double parking.
It's nice to know you have boundaries.
[CHUCKLES.]
You and I, we have to stop this.
Okay? Seriously, I wanna give me and Nick a real shot.
Yeah.
Sure.
No problem.
Thank you for understanding.
Yeah.
Of course.
Look, man, whatever you need.
Hey, um, you wanna go fuck in the janitor's closet? What the hell? Shit.
Hope it's not a DUI checkpoint.
We can't turn around.
They check for that.
All right.
Oh, Wilkerson.
What's going on? Road's closed.
Fire jumped Highway 145.
You guys gotta turn around.
We gotta get through.
My daughter's on the other side.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
The firemen went door to door.
I'm sure they found her.
Don't be a dick, Wilkerson.
I'm not being a dick.
I'm doing my job, all right, Bennett? [SCOFFS.]
Like you was doing your job after practice when you used to shower in your underwears? Hey, fuck you, man! - Fuck you, Captain Underwears! - Okay.
Calm down.
Sorry, sir.
If you hear anything about Abby, we'll be at the school.
I'll let you know.
Sorry about that.
It's just that I hate that guy.
Don't apologize.
He's a little prick.
What do we do now? Turn around and head back to the school? No! Drive through that fucking roadblock! Yes, sir.
- Mind if I sit? - Of course not.
Heard anything? Oh, I heard the Hendersons used up the hot water in the showers.
I fucking hate them.
- How you holding up? - Honestly, not great.
All I keep thinking about is "what if?" Oh, trust me, I keep running these scenarios in my head and you know what? We just have to stay positive.
I've been distracting myself with a little game.
Every time I take a sip of wine, I have to take a sip of wine.
Oh, my turn.
Looks like fun.
You said fun.
You have to drink.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Billy.
What's up, Beer Pong? You looking for this? Damn it! - Hey, Billy.
Any news? - Yeah, it's why I'm here.
Colt and Mr.
Phillips broke through a roadblock and drove into the fire zone.
- What? - Was Abby with them? - No, they're still looking for her.
- Oh, my God.
- I'll go look for them.
- I'll go with you.
Hold on.
Colt and Abby are two of my best friends.
If there was anything that could've been done, I'd have done it already.
I don't care.
We're going.
Look, you can leave, but whatever direction you go, you're going to run into a big wall of fire and end up right back here.
If you're lucky.
[COLT.]
Is that Abby's truck? Is she in there? Abby! [SIGHS.]