The Ranch (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

It Ain't Fair that It Ain't Right

Holy shit, man.
I'm gonna have to reinforce this loft.
At one point, it felt like we were doing it on a rope bridge.
Speaking of which Wanna do it on a rope bridge sometime? I did that on vacation once.
Doesn't move as much as you'd think.
Plus, Donald Duck was yellin' at us from down below the whole time.
Speaking of people being mad at you for having sex, where does old, uh, prison Nick think you're at right now? Don't worry.
I left him a note.
I said, "If you need me, I'll be having sex with Rooster.
" - Mmm.
- Shit.
- Who is that? Wait.
Did you really leave him that note? - No, I didn't.
- Get in there! Hey, fellas, that's some good, uh, ninja practice with them nunchucks.
I think it's time we, uh, move on to the throwing stars, all right? I'll be right there.
Did all the ninjas ride here together in Mary's car? [ROOSTER.]
Jeez, Colt.
What you doing here? - Hey Colt.
You didn't see me.
- Oh, yeah? What's it worth to you? What are your balls worth to you? Hey, Rooster, since we're here alone, I've got some good news.
Neumann's Hill's dropping the charges.
And Abby and I are having a baby girl.
- Oh, my God, that's great! - Whoa! Damn, man, first Bennett girl.
I cannot wait for her to bring home the next Colt Bennett to meet the original Colt Bennett.
I wouldn't even let her anywhere near that handsome son of a bitch.
Man, having a baby is the most amazing thing in the world.
Then you bring them home from the hospital.
They slowly drain your hopes and dreams.
Eventually, you drop out of college and end up hooking up with a midget lumberjack in his mom's cabin.
What, you talking about me? [MARY CHUCKLES.]
- Congrats.
I'm happy for you.
- Thank you.
- See you later.
- All right.
See you later, girl.
What is going on with you two? I thought she was back with her ex-husband.
Yeah, man, so did I.
I'm guess I'm gonna have to get a surgeon general's warning on my underwears.
"Warning: Contents may be addictive.
" "Side effects may include itching, vomiting and severe regret.
- Crazy, dude, you're having a girl.
- Yup.
I assume you're gonna name her after the mom? Colt Jr.
? Am I the baby's mom or are you the baby's dad? You gotta pick one joke or the other.
I don't know.
I kinda like 'em both.
Hey, if you want, I can give you a hand.
We can turn my old bedroom into a nursery for the baby.
I'm never gonna save up enough for that tanning bed, so You don't need one of those, man.
You just gotta go to Denny's when it's not so crowded, lay underneath them food lamps.
- Get you nice and crispy.
Hey, uh Jesus.
I was thinking, uh [INHALES DEEPLY.]
You know, if, uh you help me out, we could get that Peterson place rebuilt before the baby comes.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Long as you don't mind putting some blisters on them pretty little baby hands of yours.
Buddy, whatever it takes.
I ain't too worried.
Neutrogena's coming out with a new lotion for intense healing.
Hey, thanks.
I appreciate the help.
Of course, dude.
You're my brother.
Besides, me and Abby are gonna need a place to hook up when you're watching our baby.
See? How am I supposed to choose? [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Record this.
I wanna see the look on the old man's face when he finds out he's having a granddaughter.
- Hey, there, unborn baby niece.
That's your daddy.
What you're about to see is very rare.
Now, it's not a unicorn.
It's not a dragon.
It is your pop-pop about to smile.
Dad, I've got some good news.
Did you steal a generator from Neumann's Hill? Stop.
Stop recording.
Lisa came by and said you confessed to stealing one.
I took it.
It saved the ranch from the fire.
What the hell is the matter with you? I'd rather this place burn to the ground than steal someone else's equipment.
Now you're not only a fuck-up, you're a thief, too? All right, Dad Look, I stole the generator, okay? Christ.
Colt just got caught trying to ditch it.
He knew you'd get pissed if you found out.
So if you're gonna be mad at somebody, go ahead and be mad at me.
I'll be mad at whoever the fuck I want.
Then trust your first instinct.
Be mad at Colt.
We know we screwed up.
Okay? But I already apologized to Lisa.
Did you apologize to her or did you use my relationship with her to get yourself off the hook? Dad, she said she understood, and she's dropping the charges.
I told her not to.
You what? - Why would you do that? - Because I believe in right and wrong, and when you cross that line, there's a fuckin' price to pay.
If Lisa Neumann is okay with it, - why aren't we - [BEAU.]
Nothing you can say is gonna change what you did.
You're both a couple of fucking embarrassments.
What the hell? Make coffee.
Make coffee, please.
It's not a robot, Beau.
- What is it? - It's a Keurig.
Ah, come on, Beau.
You should love this thing.
It, uh, makes great coffee, made in America, and it's terrible for the environment.
Even the name sounds weird.
Keurig? Mr.
Pretty clear what's going on there.
Watch this.
It loads like a shotgun.
You open the chamber.
Pop in a shell.
Boom! You just bagged yourself a medium-sized hazelnut cream.
I'd rather put a real shotgun in my mouth.
I had one of these in my house.
I thought you might enjoy it.
Your coffee pot must be 20 years old.
- Thirty.
I bought it with a Reagan tax cut.
And I used it to stay up all night after he was shot.
I can take it back.
No problem.
Reason for return, I'll just check "No emotional connection to presidential assassination attempt.
" No, that's all right.
If that's the kind of coffee you like, I can give it a chance.
Thank you.
How'd you sleep? Pretty well.
I just kept waking up, thinking I was home.
This must be pretty overwhelming.
Yeah, I think that's why I picked this up.
It gives me a sense of normalcy.
Every morning, I'd make a cup, and I'd sit and watch the birds on the feeder.
It's funny the things you miss.
The sound of the furnace clicking on and the feel of the carpet underneath my feet.
Oh, and my bed.
I just love my bed.
No offense, but your mattress is kinda lumpy.
That's probably the rifles.
Give it a little time.
Maybe you'll start to feel at home here.
Oh, good.
And at the end of that soothing sound, there's a cup of hazelnut cream.
Morning, boys.
- Hey, Joanne.
- Joanne.
I don't need you two today.
What are you talking about? Neumann's Hill's dropping off their cattle this morning.
I got it covered.
Dad, we don't wanna be around you as much as you don't wanna be around us, all right? That's why we're family.
But we got a lot of work to do today.
Let me make it more clear.
Go away.
Fuck it.
You wanna do all the work? Fine.
Do all the work.
Good luck.
Bye, Joanne.
I assume that's about the generator.
You wanna talk about it? Nope.
- Beau.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, good luck making coffee this morning.
Hey, Colt.
Mind if I steal a moment of your time? Steal? Like you did with the generator? Nothing? I worked all morning on that.
- You gonna bill me for that? - Well, not now.
Look, I've got some good news about your case.
If we can get a plea deal, I think we can get you probation.
Well, there's been a change of plans.
Rooster stole the generator.
Now, even if he did, you forgot the magic word: allegedly.
Rooster allegedly stole the generator.
Uh, what would he be looking at if he allegedly turned himself in? Well, now you're just using it wrong.
Um It would be tougher, because Rooster has a lot of priors.
He stole a car.
He had to steal it.
Arby's won't let you walk through the drive-thru.
You know, with his history, even with a favorable plea deal, probably looking at six months to a year of jail time.
This is bullshit.
I got these charges dropped.
My dad got them re-charged.
Isn't that double jeopardy? No.
What is it? Like a discount double check? Sure, that's what it is.
Um, listen, we can fight it.
It's gonna be very expensive, but as someone looking at a new snowmobile, I say we fight it.
If we had the money, we wouldn't have had to steal a generator in the first place.
He can't go to jail.
We've got too much work to do.
We gotta get the cattle to market.
I need his help to rebuild my house for when my baby comes.
Plus, if Rooster went to jail, people would be fighting over who gets to sit on that beard.
Hey, man.
Where's your brother? Oh, he went out to get his concealed weapons permit.
You know, so he can walk around with his hands in his pockets.
Well, when you see him, tell him I said hey.
All right.
That guy's creepy.
Right? You think he knows my name? I don't know, but I'm gonna get him my business card, [CHUCKLES.]
'cause he seems like the kinda guy that might just get me that snowmobile.
So, we move forward with you stealing the generator.
No, it's a plea deal.
You're accepting guilt.
You're my lawyer.
As long as you understand everything.
No, actually, it's very important that you understand everything.
I understand.
- Hey, Beau.
- Hey, Lisa.
Sorry I'm late.
Actually, you are exactly on time.
Early is on time.
On time is late.
That must run in the family.
Now, Rooster was on time every day he worked for us.
Now, he was hungover and passed out on the desk, but on time.
That north pasture is all cleared out for you.
Bring on your cattle.
That is great news, because they're on their way.
Do you know, I feel kinda bad.
Highway 111 goes right by the slaughterhouse, the Sizzler, and then Outback Steakhouse.
I like to think they know how delicious they are.
You said you had a favor to ask me.
I was wondering if I could borrow a few of your men today.
I'll pay whatever's fair.
You can borrow as many men for as long as you need 'em.
There's no charge, Beau.
Why? Is there something wrong with your boys? Everything's wrong with my boys.
If this has something to do with that generator, I really didn't mean to cause trouble.
They stole from you.
They deserve whatever's coming to 'em.
They weren't raised well enough.
Clearly, the only one at fault here is my ex-wife.
Hey, whatever you need, you got it.
There is something else.
Last spring, your company wanted to buy the Peterson Ranch.
- You still interested? - Oh, I'd love to buy both your ranches.
Yeah, and I'd love to go hunting with Clint Eastwood, but some things just aren't on the table.
Well, I don't know Eastwood, but I can get John Elway to serve you a hot dog at a Broncos game.
- John Elway? - Mmm-hmm.
- No, no.
The Iron River Ranch isn't for sale.
But that Peterson Ranch has been a pain in my ass ever since I got it.
I am absolutely interested.
I'll go and check the place out and then I'll come back to you with an offer.
I'll wait to hear from you.
- Have a good one.
- You, too.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Yeah.
You think John would bring me a Coors with that hot dog? Oh, I'm sure he would.
No, no.
It's not for sale.
Mary, can I get another one? Hank, what you want? Well, I was gonna start P90X today.
But I guess it's four beers before noon again.
Why aren't you at work? Oh, shit.
Well, Dad got pissed at me and Colt today, so he gave us the day off.
I gotta remember to piss him off again in two weeks.
WrestleMania's coming to the Pepsi Center.
Monster trucks this weekend, WrestleMania in two weeks.
I think America is great again.
You know, I just so happen to have reinforced that loft this morning.
It is now rated for me, you and a friend of yours of my choosing.
Yeah, about last night.
I, uh I gotta figure out what I'm doing.
What's to figure out? I'm hot.
You're hot.
Your friend Shelly's kinda hot.
Look, I say I wanna give things with Nick a real shot, and then I end up at your place.
I can't keep doing this.
Well, yeah.
I can, uh take a step back, you know? Turn down the charm.
Throw you a life jacket so you don't drown in these baby blues.
Or I can think of another option.
Yeah? What's that? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, you could dump the ex-con who's gotta clean trash off the side of the highway, for the guy who throws it there to begin with.
You wanna get back together? I don't know.
Why not? We had a good thing going.
You're a cool chick, and what can I say? You make me wanna be a badder badass.
And I know you well enough to know that statement somehow means something to you.
How about I let you know? Okay.
Just don't wait too long.
If The Bachelor responds to my audition tape, I'm gonna fuckin' take it.
Hey, baby.
Hey! I miss you.
Are you wearing a towel? Yeah.
I just got out of the shower.
Tilting your phone will not show you my boobs.
Tilt your phone, then.
Where are you? Why is it so dark? Oh, I'm over at the Peterson place.
Almost got it cleared out.
It's starting to come along pretty great.
What was that? Nothin'.
I'm good.
Uh Hey, uh I was talking to Jerry, um and, uh, Rooster's gonna get jail time, but I'll only get probation, so Oh, damn it, Colt.
It's not that big of a deal.
It means that, at first sign of a cop, I gotta throw my beer can out the car window.
Hey, uh, quick question.
If a nail's not rusty, uh, do you have to get a tetanus shot? [LISA.]
Hello! Oh, uh Ms.
Neumann, um Hey, babe, can I call you back? [ABBY.]
Yeah, okay.
Love you.
Yeah, all right.
And seriously, text me about that nail thing.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey.
I love what you've done with the place.
It's like one of them, uh, Property Brothers was an arsonist, huh? Hmm.
Oh, no! Are you all right? [SCOFFS.]
My lululemons! It looks like you're cut pretty bad.
I'm fine.
I'll heal, but these are discontinued.
Look, Colt, uh, I'm glad I ran into you.
I'm I'm really sorry about all that generator stuff that I thought we were good, but then your dad had a different opinion.
Oh, yeah, that My dad, he don't have opinions.
There's the truth and then the bullshit everybody else believes, so What are you doing over here? I just came to check the place out.
- Check it out for what? - Well your dad told me that you guys were thinking about selling it.
He said what? [CHUCKLES.]
Look, either you guys have to start talking to each other, or I gotta stop talking to you.
You've gotta fucking be kidding me.
Oh, uh, don't step over there.
Or there.
Or there.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You look nice.
- Thanks.
I lost most of my hair products in the fire, but fortunately, Colt has enough to start a Sally Beauty Supply.
How'd it go today? It went great.
Lisa's got a hell of a crew.
And not one of 'em smelled like berry hibiscus conditioner.
- Did you see Colt and Rooster? - Nope.
Like I said, it was a great day.
Beau, it's none of my business, but, uh, how long you gonna keep up this fight? You know, there are some parts in the world where they cut off a man's hand for stealing.
So when you go to shake a man's hand and he doesn't have one, you know not to do business with him.
Well, if I cut things off my daughter every time she stole something, I'd be pulling her around in a little wagon.
They went about it the wrong way, but they were trying to do the right thing.
So, I shouldn't punish 'em? Just let 'em off the hook? Well, you don't have to let them off the hook, but don't make 'em walk around with nubs for hands.
Might be the only thing to make 'em listen.
Hard to open a beer without fingers.
Beau, I know you're upset, but I'm I'm just not sure you're being reasonable.
We should just drop this.
Oh, really? That's your solution? Just not to talk about it? You know when you said maybe this wasn't any of your business? Maybe you were right.
Oh, well, good.
That's good to know.
Good to know where I stand.
- I'm sorry.
I just - No, no.
I'll just come home to a place that isn't mine, and I'll ignore all the fighting and I won't have an opinion about anything.
- So you're leavin'? - I'm going to work.
At least there, when people are assholes, I can do stuff to their food.
Are you selling the Peterson place? Yep.
So you're just gonna sell my ranch right out from under me? It's not your ranch, it's mine.
I'll do whatever the hell I want with it.
You're doing this out of spite.
It's not even a good business decision.
We're a month away from market.
Oh, you're gonna give me business advice? You buying that ranch almost bankrupted us.
But it didn't! And now you're gonna sell it right before it pays off, 'cause of a stupid generator? - A stolen generator.
- I didn't steal it! I told Rooster to take it back.
I was trying to help him out.
Well, here's a new one.
It's not your fault.
Yeah, well, see, with you, there's no way to win.
What were we supposed to do? Rooster couldn't fix the old one, so he's a failure.
If we borrow one, you're saying we're taking handouts.
If I come to you for money, you're gonna tell us we don't have any 'cause we wasted it all.
Every choice we make is wrong.
That's the first thing you've said that I agree with.
'Cause you make it impossible to be right! It's been that way my whole life.
In the conference final game, I threw five touchdown passes in a game that we won in a blowout.
In the parking lot, after the game, instead of just saying, "Good job, son " you gave me a lecture about the one interception that I threw.
Everything I ever did for you boys was to try to make you better.
Has it worked? Do you think we're better? Obviously, you don't.
Maybe that just means you're the one that did the terrible job.
Watch it there, bub.
You think we're shitty sons? Maybe you're just a lousy father.
Oh, by the way you're having a granddaughter.
Hey, Rooster.
Welcome home.

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