The Ranch (2016) s03e10 Episode Script


Hey, Nick.
You're in my house.
Um I'll probably have to make a phone call because my alarm system's connected to the police, and they give them the alert if there's an intruder, so They're probably on their way now.
Was Mary here last night? Mary? Oh, you mean Mary from the bar, Nick's Mary.
No, man.
No, I haven't seen her.
Are you sure? 'Cause she got home real late last night.
Oh, shit, huh? I don't want to get anybody in trouble or nothing, but, um [SMACKS LIPS.]
I think Colt might be fucking her.
This a joke? I will fucking kill you.
I don't know what to tell you, all right? I'm not seeing Mary.
If that's her, she's probably here looking for you.
Talladega? That's my brother.
He's just checking to see whether or not I'm naked.
Hey, Nick.
What you doing here? Oh.
Hey, Colt, man.
I was just leaving.
See you around, Rooster.
He knows my name.
What the hell happened here? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Well Nick broke into my house and he was sitting on my couch, waiting for me in the dark.
And he says he's going to kill me.
Holy shit.
- Does he know about you and Mary? - No.
I told him it was some other dude.
Oh, that's smart.
That guy's screwed.
Look at this.
This guy's sitting here, eating my Cocoa Puffs with water.
That guy's a fucking psycho.
Maybe we need to pay him a little visit.
No, man, I don't wanna get you all involved in this shit.
Thank God.
That guy creeps me out, man.
"It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.
Why're you here, anyway? Dad decided he hasn't fucked up our lives enough, so he's selling the Peterson Ranch.
What? He's throwing away a ranch 'cause of some stupid generator? It don't make no sense.
You don't throw away a beer 'cause it's got a cigarette butt in it.
You squeeze another lime in and keep drinking.
I don't know why he'd do it.
Maybe I've been right all along and my tears give him strength.
I mean, this don't make no fucking sense.
We're a month out from market? We need that money to get through next year.
By the way, you do cry a lot.
I ain't working for Dad anymore.
I ain't living with Dad anymore.
Cool if I stay the night here? Yeah, I guess.
All right.
I'll run over to the house.
- Get some of my clothes and my product.
Jesus, can you not call it that? Oh, I'm sorry if I don't clean myself with a busted dishwasher pod.
Sometimes I like to take a shower and do my dishes in one shot.
Thank you.
I'm as disappointed about the Peterson place as you are.
Me, too.
I wanna live out our days there, getting shitfaced and putting babies in you.
Hey, Joanne.
Hi, Joanne.
That sounded pretty weird, but it was kinda sweet.
It's fine.
It's the redneck American dream.
Hey, baby, I'll try you back later.
Love you.
I love you.
Sorry about that.
Why're you up so late? Oh.
Before bed, I like a cup of tea with a splash of whiskey.
I like to start my day with a shot of whiskey and a SlimFast.
That way, I catch a buzz and watch my figure all at the same time.
Hey, uh we haven't talked much since you've been here.
I'm sorry about your house and all.
Well, thank you.
It's just stuff, a lot of stuff.
Everything I ever worked for or valued or cherished, but I'm fine.
I wish it was under better circumstances, but we're glad you're here.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Honestly, it's been a hard few days.
- It's an adjustment for everybody.
- Yeah.
Have you adjusted to the fact that my dad's a horse's ass? Tea helps.
When I was living away from my dad, I was sober the whole time.
- Really? - Yeah.
I only drank beer and wine.
Did you and your dad talk? Figure things out? Yeah.
He figured out how to crush my hopes and dreams by selling the Peterson Ranch.
I figured out he's a shitty father and I'm leaving.
Okay, you need this more than I do.
I can hardly taste the tea.
There was never any tea.
What am I, fucking British? When you say you're leaving, what do you mean? The house, or the ranch or the country? Oh, not the country.
I can't afford a plane ticket.
And the two countries I can drive to got pictures of me at the border.
What, then? You got a child on the way.
What will you do? The only thing I know how to do is football and ranching.
Last time I played football, I threw five interceptions.
And that was at the Bennett Family Turkey Bowl.
I think Aunt Doris is juicing.
That leaves ranching.
You can't be any worse at that.
Can you? I'm good at ranching.
There's only two plays to memorize: Feed the cow.
Kill the cow.
And if you forget the first one, the second one just takes care of itself.
You're not one to give up easy.
Your dad said you were cut from 20 teams.
That's 19 times you didn't believe someone who said you were shitty.
- Yes, ma'am.
- All right, then.
How about you get your shit together? Yes, ma'am.
I appreciate the talk.
It's been a rough go, but I think you're right.
I'm gonna get sober again.
Hey, Heather, thanks for coming.
Okay, what the hell is going on? You sent me ten text messages.
This is an emergency.
Come to my cabin.
This is not a booty call.
Unless you're down.
" I didn't wanna send it to you in a text, but, man You're right about Nick.
He's crazy.
What happened? Nick broke into my house.
I come home, and he's sitting on my couch like a hillbilly gargoyle.
- What the fuck? - Yeah.
He's lucky my sensei taught me some restraint.
Why are you telling me? Have you told my mom? No.
I'm afraid if I call or text her, he'll see it and freak out.
Will you talk to her? I'm worried.
I wanna make sure she's okay.
Yeah, of course, I'll talk to her.
What about you? You all right? Yeah, you ain't gotta worry about me.
I can take care of myself.
Kenny Chesney! Did you say, "Kenny Chesney"? I channeled the most powerful thing I could think of.
I'll talk to my mom.
All right.
Thank you.
Thanks for meeting with me again, Ms.
This is becoming a bit of a habit.
Sorry about that.
Uh, as you see, I come hat in hand, which is a big deal for me, 'cause my hair is a mess.
I rolled the dice on a new conditioner.
Thanks a lot, Charlize Theron.
- Is that a Broncos football? - Yep.
Signed by the whole team.
That's awesome.
You got a little blank space there.
Please don't sign my football, Colt.
Not the first time I heard that.
So, what can I do for you? I know you want to buy the Peterson Ranch.
My wife's pregnant with our first kid.
It's always been my dream to raise our family on that ranch.
- You've done a lot for us already - Okay.
Let me stop you right there, Colt.
This is a business decision.
Your dad wants to sell that ranch and if I don't buy it, someone else will.
And I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but Hey, do you wanna sign this ball? I don't want to stop you from buying it.
I just When the deal's closed, I wanna run it for you.
Really? Nobody else you hire will be more motivated to make that thing work than me.
And no one knows that land as well as I do.
I don't know.
I hired your brother and we still got viruses on all the computers.
Look, Rooster didn't have nothing to work for.
I do.
I will work twice as hard for less money.
You said so yourself.
It's a business decision, right? How can hiring a great rancher for a great price be a bad business decision? I am willing to give you a shot at running that ranch, if you get your dad's blessing first.
Seriously? You'll hire me? If he says it's okay.
All right, thank you.
This is awesome.
I Now that we've entered a negotiation, I'd like to counter.
Could you ask my dad for me? No.
That's all right.
- Will you come with me when I ask him? - No.
Damn it.
Can I really sign the football? - No.
- Okay.
Yeah, good talk.
So, how do the Neumann's Hill cattle look? Really good.
I'll show you.
I got a new iPhone with a portrait mode.
It used to if you wanted a picture this good, you'd have to take your cow to Sears.
I know.
I got your Christmas card.
So, um how's everything going with Joanne moving in here? Fine.
Now, what'd you do wrong? She wanted to talk and I didn't.
Not unlike the current situation I find myself in.
Well, that's tough.
You wanna talk about it? On top of that, she replaced my coffee pot with a fancy pod machine.
Worst part is, I kinda liked it, even though the vanilla was French.
You got a Keurig? What model? I got whichever one takes 20 minutes to make a cup of coffee.
So her house burns down.
She buys you a gift and then she wants to talk.
Why, that woman's got a lot of nerve.
You're gonna have to apologize.
She's avoiding me.
She was up and off to work before I woke up today.
I think I'm too old to start a new relationship.
Ah, don't blame age, you grumpy son of a bitch.
I'm old, but I'm a delight.
If you don't want her in your life, why did you ask her to come stay to begin with? I didn't say I didn't want her in my life.
If that's true, you gotta show her.
When I screw up with Charlene, I apologize with the three F's: flowers, foot rub and Fuddruckers.
I hate that place.
Why am I paying if I gotta build my own damn burger? Yeah, you don't deserve Joanne, but, uh, seem like she don't know it.
So, if I were you, I'd do everything I could to keep her in the dark.
- Hey, Dale.
- Hey, Colt.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
I heard enough from you last night.
Okay, then.
Well, I'll give you two some space.
Unlike Charlene's sister, I know when I'm not wanted.
- Your truck's over there.
- [DALE.]
I know.
I'm gonna make myself a Keurig for the road.
I talked to Lisa Neumann about buying that Peterson Ranch.
Yeah, so? Well, if you sell it I'm gonna run it for her.
Is that a fact? I'm gonna raise my family on that ranch.
She said it's okay if you say it's okay.
So you can stop me if you want.
Either way, I'm never working here again.
- [SIGHS.]
- I got your text.
So Nick's gone? Yeah.
Heather told me what happened, so I broke up with him.
Oh, no, you broke up? Nick was a great guy.
It seems I've misread the room.
Good night.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm sorry I dragged you into all this.
No, come on.
I was just worried about you.
Believe me.
I can handle Nick.
But, uh do you happen to know where he is? Or how mad he is or who he's mad at? Don't worry.
He asked me if this was about you.
I told him if I'd cheat with a Bennett, it was gonna be with Beau or Colt, not the short, little hairy weirdo.
Yeah, well, you probably could have just told him no.
- God, he is so paranoid and possessive.
- [SIGHS.]
That night he saw us here at the bar, he went mental.
He started throwing bottles and saying he'd kill you.
And that's before you dumped him? [STAMMERS.]
It's over.
He packed up his shit and went to his brother's in Ohio.
If your brakes didn't seem to be cut on the way here, you're good.
When you texted me to come over, you couldn't just give me a heads-up? Maybe my brakes got cut? [MARY CHUCKLES.]
You all right? I don't know why I thought things were gonna be different this time.
Sort of like him, trying to rob the same Circle K twice.
Just because it's an ampm now does not mean they don't have cameras everywhere.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I know this situation caused you a lot of stress.
If you don't wanna be alone, you can come over.
I went to McDonald's the last day of the McRib.
I bought 30 of 'em.
They're in the freezer.
I'm not saying I wouldn't be up for that down the line, but [SIGHS.]
I think right now I gotta take some time for myself.
Yeah, makes sense.
Bummer, though.
I'll have to find someone else to give this WrestleMania ticket to.
Upper deck.
Row L L.
Hey, Joanne.
Hey, Beau, what are you doing here? Actually, I'm waiting for Chad to come back with my biscuits.
What's he doing, milling the flour? You want a cup of coffee? It's shitty, so you'll like it.
I didn't wanna bother you at work, but I didn't know if I'd get a chance to talk to you later.
I wanted to say sorry.
I appreciate it, but I don't think you know what you're apologizing for.
For being grumpy and stubborn and Want to go to Fuddruckers later? [SCOFFS.]
What? Why would I pay someone if I have to build my own burger? You are an amazing woman.
You think I don't know that? Look, Beau, um I think moving in was a mistake.
So I'll stay at the Holiday Inn, and we can go back to seeing each other once in a while.
- Is that what you want? - No.
But I won't be dismissed and condescended to.
If I wanted that, I'd sit here in my own section.
I really am sorry.
I know I push people away.
I did that with Maggie and now I'm doing it with you.
It's not just the women in your life.
It's everybody.
Look what's going on with your sons.
I've been trying to push them away for years.
Joke all you want, but Colt's on his way out the door.
No, he's not going anywhere.
He conned Lisa Neumann into letting him run the Peterson Ranch after I sell it.
Good for him.
Hey, if he were anyone else's kid, you'd probably respect his drive.
You were gonna sell it right out from under him, but he found a way to stay there.
I miss when you called him "shithead.
" Well, Lisa came by with an offer.
And it's a good one.
And it'll finally put that Peterson mess behind us.
Is it a good enough deal that it's worth driving your sons away? And your grandchild? I came here to talk about us.
Oh, sure, because your sons are none of my business.
Oh, no, I'm I [SIGHS.]
Look, we can talk and talk, but unless you do something different, you'll end up in the same place with me and your sons.
I can change.
Well, I heard that before, but I've never seen it.
Don't worry.
I ain't stealing nothing.
Unless this is your probiotic yogurt.
I don't know what that is, but I did use some on the door to stop it from squeaking.
I need to talk to you about the Peterson Ranch.
You talked to Lisa? Just sit down.
I know I've been hard on you and your brother for a long time.
You don't have to pause.
If I disagree, I'll jump in.
I was thinking about that father-and-son camping trip with the Boy Scouts at Miramonte.
The one we never went on 'cause you grounded us? Yeah.
You and Rooster begged and cried and swore up and down you'd never skip your chores again.
Your mom said I could ground you after we came back.
But I was determined to teach you a lesson, 'cause I thought that's what a father was supposed to do.
And then Then the next year came and you were both out of the Scouts.
So, we never went.
So? It was a chance we had to grow closer.
And, instead, I drove us further apart.
It's a memory we'll never have and a time we'll never get back.
It's just one trip.
And the thing you remember most about winning your conference championship is me yelling at you in the parking lot.
And when Rooster got his own ranch, instead of telling him congratulations I told him he wasn't ready.
I can give you 50 more examples of the same thing.
You want some advice on how to raise your daughter? Do the opposite of what I did.
Dad I can't change the past.
But I can try to make some changes for the future.
The Peterson Ranch is yours.
You told Lisa it's okay? No, I told her I wasn't selling it, because I was leaving it to my sons.
Holy shit.
You run it how you see fit.
I'll just be your grumpy neighbor who will shoot at you if you come on my land.
You serious? Sink or swim, it's on you and your brother.
- That's all we ever wanted.
- Well You got it now.
Thank you.
Congratulations on your daughter.
I can't wait to meet her.
I love you.
I love you, too, Dad.
You won't regret it.
We'll make you proud.
I know you will.
Oh, shit.
I gotta call Rooster.
First thing tomorrow, we gotta disc up that west pasture.
Oh, wait a minute.
The first thing you wanna do is You know what? That's a perfectly fine idea.
You know what? You're right.
The first thing we gotta do is those electrical cow tags like Neumann's Hill.
Maybe it's better if I don't know what you're doing.
Hey, Joanne.
Hey, Beau.
Is that bird feeder for me or you just trying to lure in the crows for target practice? Why can't it be both? I was thinking you could wake up in the morning, and sit out here with your cup of coffee and watch the birds.
That is just too sweet.
Just like your coffee.
It's really beautiful.
Look at the detail.
Oh, I like the little "Trespassers will be shot" sign.
We would make one of those every year when I was a scout.
I could also make a pinewood derby car that would probably run better than your Chevy.
I gave the Peterson Ranch to the boys.
They got a ranch? I just got this bird feeder? Oh, don't forget.
You also get me.
- Boy, they made out like bandits.
I appreciate all your advice.
It was helpful and you were right.
I know.
That's why I said it.
I want you to stay here.
I want you to be a part of my life.
I'm sorry if I haven't made that clear.
Well, thank you.
I wanna stay here, too.
And sorry I left your chicken fried steak in the window for 20 minutes so it was nice and cool when I served it to you.
- Yeah, and I'm sorry I didn't leave a tip.
Look I know I'm a work in progress, but I want you to know I am working at it.
Every time I try to throw you in the water, you just flop right back in the boat.
Just like when I was teachin' the boys how to swim.
Shit I really was a horrible father.
- [NICK.]
Hey, Rooster.
- Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me.
So, you got two choices.
You either take that bag and disappear, or you could just disappear.
How about you got two choices? You get the fuck out of my cabin or I can kick in all your teeth.
And we'll make this meth-head look of yours complete.
Well, then I'll just say it again.
Take the bag and disappear or you disappear.
Rooster you tell anyone about this, and I'll start with your family.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode