The Ranch (2016) s03e16 Episode Script

Pass It on Down

1 - Hey, Peyton.
- [PEYTON CRIES] - All right, you're okay.
- [STILL CRYING] - This is Mr.
TV.
- [STILL CRYING] Well, I know it don't look like much now, but that's gonna be your best friend - and your babysitter.
- [CRIES LOUDER] More like your half-hour a day source for educational programming.
[PEYTON STILL CRIES] - She didn't mean it, babe.
It's all right.
- [PEYTON CRIES LOUDER] I promise, the first four letters you're gonna learn are gonna be "ESPN.
" [STILL CRYING] That's all right, you're okay.
- [STILL CRIES] - [COLT] Come on.
Come on.
Maybe she's hungry.
No, I already fed her.
- [STILL CRYING] - All right, well, let's check your diaper.
- All right.
Whoa, easy there, partner.
- [STILL CRYING] [ABBY CHUCKLES] [PEYTON SCREAMS] They should make these things like Coors cans.
Like, a little dinosaur on 'em that turns blue if they pee in 'em.
No, she's dry.
Holy shit.
That's like a million-dollar idea.
Hello, sharks.
No, it's already a thing, okay, and she's in 'em.
And, no, you can't put one on to see it in action.
- Let's bring her to my mom.
- [PEYTON CRIES] Colt, we can't bring her to your mom every time she cries.
[PEYTON CRIES LOUDLY] I mean we don't want to rob her of bonding with her grandmother.
[STILL CRYING] [SCREAMS] [ABBY] Shh.
Hey, guys, we tried everythin'.
You got any advice? Yeah, become a grandparent so it's not your problem.
- [PEYTON SCREAMS] - Here, let me try.
[CRYING CONTINUES] It's okay, Peyton.
You gotta stop cryin'.
You don't wanna be like your dad - or a Democrat.
- [PEYTON QUIETENS] What? Are you kidding me? All I had to do was make fun of Colt? Yeah, I can never tell if babies like him or they're just scared of his mustache.
- [DISTANT CAR ENGINE] - Well, someone's coming.
Remember that week the tree fell across the drive and no one could make it up to the house? I enjoyed that.
Oh, it's a cop car.
Colt, what did you do? [SIGHS] If this has to do with that lactation consultant, I swear to God I wasn't takin' pictures, I was textin' a friend.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES] Hey, there.
I heard about the baby.
Congratulations.
Thanks, Wilkerson.
We're gonna feed her in about 30 minutes, if you wanna stick around.
What can we do for you, son? Well, I picked up this guy for drunk and disorderly.
Says he's related to you.
[DRUNK] Oh! Jeez! What the hell, man? I said Taco Bell.
Handsome, drunk Yeah, he looks like one of us.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys - [WILKERSON GROANS] - [DRUNK] Oh! Thanks for the ride, little guy.
'Preciate it.
Sorry I tugged on your mustache when you put me in the car.
Thought you were a little kid playing dress-up.
Yeah, I like you.
You know, he borrowed that holster from the Woody doll in Toy Story.
All right, you know what? - This guy's your problem now.
- [COLT] Oh, yeah? Where are you headin'? Infinity and beyond? - [COLT LAUGHS] - [DRUNK GUFFAWS] That's Buzz Lightyear, asshole.
Who are you, son? I'm Luke Matthews, sir.
"Luke," as in, "Luke Skywalker.
" "Matthews" as in, "More than one Matthew.
" My mom, just before she passed, she told me that my dad died in Vietnam and his name was Greg Bennett.
Oh my God.
Your brother had a son? There must be some mistake.
He didn't have a son.
He met my mom on leave.
She was living in Hawaii at the time.
And If I made waffles, would anyone want some? Y'know, I think we're fine, Luke.
Well, hold on.
I remember, he did say he met a college girl in Hawaii when he went there on R&R once.
Not sure why he went there.
Grown men walking around in sandals, wearing shirts with flowers on 'em No wonder the Japanese attacked.
How do we know you're telling the truth? I brought a picture.
That's him.
I don't know who that crazy old dude is.
That's Beau's mother.
She's beautiful, sir.
She has that lovely Bennett mustache.
My goodness.
I took this picture.
That's Greg standing by that truck the day we bought it.
He drove that thing everywhere.
Drove it up to Glacier National Park one time.
Since we were so close we drove on up to the Canadian border just to flip off a Mountie.
Glad you found us, Luke.
[SNORES QUIETLY] I liked your story, Dad.
[LUKE SNORES LOUDER] Maggie, hey.
Yeah, I got your text.
You look pretty good for having the flu.
Shit.
Busted.
Darlene called me in a panic, sayin' her babysitter canceled.
She can't take the baby to work anymore since she got in trouble for using the stripper cage as a playpen.
Mary, I'm not an idiot.
I talked to Maria again.
- And she said - Oh my God.
Why are you still on this? Look, Maggie, you haven't been around.
Maria's been stealing everything that wasn't nailed down.
The lost and found bin, totally cleaned out.
Now I don't have any prizes to give out for trivia night.
Look, just stop.
I know when people are lying.
I raised Colt and Rooster.
I'm not lying.
I don't I saw you take that Xanax from Abby's mom, and that woman clearly needs it.
I already told you she said I could have some.
It was just It was for a headache.
Are you high right now? What? No, I No! Again, I raised Colt and Rooster.
Look, the bottom line is, I just don't want you working at the bar anymore.
You're firing me? I'm sorry.
I don't No, why am I apologizing? I trusted you and you let me down.
Good luck, Mary.
Y'know what? I don't even need that stupid job.
I only answered the door 'cause I thought you were a fuckin' pizza! - [PEYTON CRIES] - [ABBY] Shh.
[WHISPERS] It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[CRIES LOUDER] [COLT] Oh my God, what are you doin'? [PEYTON STILL CRIES] Seriously? I thought it would be fun to get up at 3 a.
m.
and walk around, make her cry.
- [PEYTON STILL CRIES] - Have you tried the five "S" s? Side, swaddle, sucking - [PEYTON CRIES] - Sharknado? [ABBY] Shush! [COLT] Babe, I'm trying to help.
No, the fifth "S" is "shush.
" Also, shush the fuck up! [PEYTON CRIES] Sorry, I'm sorry.
We've gotten like two hours' sleep total in the last four nights.
- Have you fed her? - Yes, of course I fed her.
You wanna take her? She gets this cryin' thing from you anyway.
No, I think she's cryin' 'cause you're being a bit un fair.
[PEYTON STILL CRIES] - Give her over.
- All right.
[COLT] All right.
Come on.
- I know.
Come on.
- [STILL CRIES] Come on.
All right, Peyton.
Peyton? Peyton, look at me.
Lock it up.
- [PEYTON SCREAMS] - [COLT] Stop.
Just stop crying.
Colt, she doesn't understand what you're saying.
That's like me talking to you about math.
You know what? You woke me up, you asked me to help and I'm helping, and 'cause I'm not doing it your way, - I'm doing it the wrong way? - Shh.
Stop.
She stopped crying.
Oh my God.
I'm a better parent than you.
You're about to be a single parent! [PEYTON CRIES] Way to go.
You woke her up.
[PEYTON SCREAMS] - Pop Pop.
- Hey.
Luke's still asleep on the couch, so happy, peaceful I wanna punch him in the fuckin' face.
[BEAU] I still can't believe my brother had a son.
[COLT] Yeah, right? Holy shit.
I just realized something.
You're Beau, he's Luke, that's the fuckin' Dukes of Hazzard.
I guess that makes you Daisy.
Whatever.
We both know I've got the legs to pull off them Daisy Dukes.
[COLT] Hey, partner.
You been passed out on that couch all morning.
You're lucky I'm a dad or I'd have drawed a dick on your face.
You could've drawn a dick playing catch with a littler dick.
Hey, I'm, er I'm sorry about last night.
I I feel like an asshole.
I drank way too much.
Yeah.
We don't drink much around here.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHING] Yeah, I'm sorry.
I can't even say that with a straight face.
Goddamn, I love beer.
Yep.
I was a little anxious about meeting you guys, so once I checked into the campground, I had a few beers to take the edge off.
Next thing I know, I'm wearing a 12-pack box as a hat, and asking that chubby little Deputy Dawg to fetch me a chalupa.
What the fuck is a "chalupa"? He's joking, right? He don't do that.
Well Suffice to say, not the impression I was hoping to make.
Just wanted to stop by and say hi on my way to California.
[BEAU SNIGGERS] If you didn't wanna make a bad impression you shouldn't have told us - you were heading for California.
- [COLT LAUGHS] Well, I got a buddy out there that's got a lead on a job.
He owns a bowling alley.
He's making five figures a week.
I mean, he's selling drugs out the back.
Erm But turns out he still needs someone to do all the bowling alley stuff, so What's going on with this truck? Big old engine finally gave out.
Put a new one in but it's running rough.
- [COLT] Yeah.
- Well, it's new to us.
We got it from Donnie, over at the junkyard.
Scored a great deal on it, though, 'cause Donnie's Doberman bit me.
Sucker.
The old Slim Jim in the sock trick works every time.
Maybe next time put it in your underpants, might drive out with a new truck.
Want me to take a look at this truck? I used to work on them in Iraq.
Yeah, be my guest.
What branch were you in? Army or Marines? Please don't say the Navy.
[LUKE CHUCKLES] Army.
I joined right outta high school.
There you go.
I thought it'd be a great way to get out of Michigan and see the world.
Also, I wanted a job where I could blow shit up, y'know? - We're gonna be best friends.
- [LUKE CHUCKLES] On to more important shit, who's your football team? I'm from the Detroit area so I'm a Cowboys fan.
Good God.
Cowboys the Navy of the NFL.
I gotta say, I can't believe I'm workin' on my dad's truck.
I used to dream about this.
I mean, in my dream he was an astronaut.
Closest your dad ever came to being an astronaut was the time I shot a bottle rocket off under his ass.
Holy shit.
Wait you used to be fun? No.
Well, I think I know what's going on with this.
I bet this motor's from a lower elevation.
I think if we re-jet that car we should be good.
How about that? Good call.
You know how to fix a baby? What the fuck?! Sorry about that.
Come on, man.
My fucking head's inside there, you're smashing a light bulb? - Easy, son.
- Easy?! No - [COLT] Back away, partner - Don't fuckin' touch me! You better get the fuck out of here or I'll kick your ass.
You're gonna kick my ass? Fuck this.
Whatever.
Have fun.
Have fun in California, fuckface.
[PEYTON GURGLES] [SOFTLY] Hey.
[COLT] Oh my God.
- I'm so tired, babe.
- [ABBY] Mm.
- [SIGHS] You just finished feedin' her? - Yeah.
Who did the job? Was it Brooks or Dunn? Will you stop calling my boobs that? [GIGGLING] It was Dunn.
[LAUGHS] Brooks is chafed pretty bad.
How was your day? Did Luke ever come back after freakin' out? No.
It was probably for the best.
That was so weird.
The guy's like a time-bomb.
When he showed up and fell outta the cop car and passed out drunk, he seemed like a good guy.
I know.
Woulda been nice to get to know him.
He didn't even make us waffles.
[QUIETLY] Oh, she's sleeping! - [COLT] Oh my God, are you serious? - [SOFTLY] Yeah.
[COLT] Oh! Let's go to bed.
- It's gotta be like midnight.
- [ABBY LAUGHS] - It's 6:30.
- Fine.
I don't care.
I'm so tired.
I don't even care if Brooks and Dunn come out for a late-night show [ABBY CHUCKLES] Although if I had a backstage pass You don't.
[BOTH MOAN CONTENTEDLY] - Gosh.
- This is so good.
Why don't we get to bed early every night? Old people are so smart.
[PEYTON CRIES] - No.
No! - [COLT GIGGLES] - No.
Nooo - [COLT SNIGGERS] - [ABBY WAILS] - [COLT] This isn't happening! [PEYTON CRIES] - [COLT GROANS] - [PEYTON CRIES] [COLT] Okay.
All right.
Fuck it.
I'm sleeping I'm gonna go sleep in Rooster's room.
I'm sorry, what? [PEYTON CRIES] Babe, I gotta sleep.
- And I don't? - [PEYTON STILL CRIES] I've been workin' on the ranch all day today.
I gotta do the same thing tomorrow.
Okay, work on the ranch ends at sundown.
- Taking care of a baby never ends.
- [PEYTON CRIES] I haven't showered since we got home from the hospital.
All I've been doin' is feeding her non-stop.
I'm smelly and stinky.
I'm like a 24-Hour IHOP.
- [PEYTON CRIES] - [ABBY] Shh.
Fine, I'll do both our jobs.
Oh, so raising our child is my job? You know what? Go sleep in Rooster's room.
- Give me the kid.
- No, it's fine, it's my job.
- Give her to me.
- No.
- Give me.
The kid.
- [PEYTON CRIES] Fine.
[PEYTON STILL CRIES] Thank you.
[PEYTON CRIES LOUDER] I see what you did.
And it's not fair 'cause you're smarter than me.
- Oh, hey, Heather.
- Hey, Maggie.
I just came to pick up my mom's last paycheck.
Sure.
God, I wish that was the first time I've ever said that.
There you go.
So, she said she got fired but that she didn't wanna talk about it.
So what happened? She slap a customer or somethin'? No.
If I had to fire everyone that slapped a customer, even I couldn't work here.
Look, if she didn't wanna tell you, I don't think it's my place to.
She just really needs this job.
After her last DUI, I don't think they'll let her go back to driving school buses.
Is there any way you can see her working here again? I'm really sorry for the situation you're in, but your mom needs help, and I can't make her problems my problems right now.
You take care of yourself, all right, honey? I understand.
Thanks, Maggie.
Hey, Heather.
Hey, Colt.
Oh my God [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] is this your daughter? [COLT] Yeah.
That's Peyton.
She's beautiful.
Thank you.
All right, well, I gotta get goin'.
Congratulations, Colt.
We'll see you.
Hey, Mom.
Hey.
What's Heather doin' here? Oh, just some stuff with Mary.
Yeah, it got pretty awkward.
Don't beat yourself up.
We got a business to run here.
- Where's my little angel? - [COLT] Here.
Oh, she's sleeping.
She's a demon child.
Couldn't get her to stop cryin', so I put her in the truck, took her for a drive.
She finally fell asleep.
Realized I was here.
D'you mind if I take a nap in the Airstream? Apparently, that's frowned upon.
She ever gonna grow out of this cryin' phase? Well, you haven't.
Last week we watched Fast and Furious 6.
You went through two boxes of Kleenex.
Come on, you're just a monster if you don't cry when Dominic Toretto says, "It's all about the family.
" So, er everythin' okay with Mary? Without going into details, it's a whole mess.
I really counted on her and she let me down.
Yeah, maybe she's got some other stuff goin' on.
Everybody's got other stuff goin' on.
You have to decide what's important to you.
Okay, but sometimes you got other stuff goin' on that's of equal importance.
Other people don't see that.
In fact, just 'cause you spend more time with this bar doesn't mean that you love it any more than she does.
What the fuck are you talkin' about? Look, I'm just sayin', maybe Mary didn't know how hard it was gonna be to have a bar.
It's loud.
It's overwhelming, and there's pee all over the place.
Look, maybe what you need to do to get the help you want is every once in a while, let her take a fuckin' nap.
Mary stole from me and she has a drug problem.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, fuckin' fire her.
[SLOW COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND] Hey, Luke.
Hey.
How'd you find me? Well, I knew you were in the campground.
I just asked around, see if anybody'd seen a guy with this on his head.
My hat was a Coors box.
Mind if I sit? Please, pull up a cooler.
Don't have much to offer you.
About to pan-fry some bass crusted in Cool Ranch Doritos.
Well, you can crust it in whatever you want, it's still a fuckin' fish.
Listen, about earlier I'm sorry I snapped like that.
It's okay.
That happen a lot? Yeah, from time to time, y'know, a noise'll catch me by surprise.
And I overreact.
I'm guessin' it started after you came back from Iraq.
Well, it didn't happen before Iraq.
Gettin' any help? Been to a couple VA hospitals.
Think they mean well, but I don't want to insult you if you're pro big government programs.
Please continue.
Well Yeah, I got buried under a mountain of red tape there, so, I bailed.
So you're dealin' with this on your own? Yeah, yeah, but I'm I'm okay.
I think this move to California will be helpful.
This stuff never goes away.
For me, it's the smell of diesel fuel.
It was everywhere in Vietnam.
Every time I fill up a tractor it just takes me right back.
[QUIETLY] Vietnam.
That was That was a tough war.
Son, they're all tough.
[LUKE] Yeah.
I'm stupid.
I thought I was gonna be jumpin' outta airplanes, stickin' flags in the ground.
Instead, I'm driving a fuckin' Humvee through Fallujah.
Six of my guys in back and this little kid runs out, waving his hands like something's the matter.
We stop, try to help.
I'm just Right as I'm lookin' in his eyes, IEDs just start fuckin' blowing up left and right.
RPGs are coming off the rooftops.
You know, snipers with high-caliber rounds coming through the Humvee Two guys were smoked just like that.
And then it's just fuckin' chaos, y'know? It's rounds ricocheting broken glass, screaming, blood Took forever for the convoy to show up and get us outta there.
It was Me and one other guy, that was all that was left.
Whole thing just evaporated.
I'm so sorry.
That's not even the worst part, y'know? They force you to adapt to their tactics.
If they're gonna block the roads with little kids so they can ambush us we can't stop.
You gotta run through 'em.
Sweet Jesus.
Why don't you stay with us? We can always use an extra hand.
Might do you some good.
I appreciate that, Beau, but I just stopped by to see where I came from.
Not tryin' to put my problems on you guys.
You're my brother's son.
I'd do anythin' for him.
It's up to you, but Hope you'll consider it.
[PHONE TAKES PHOTO] [WHISPERS] Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
[WHISPERS] I woke up and you were gone.
[WHISPERS] Yeah, erm We came upstairs.
Yeah.
And you were sleepin', - so peacefully.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY] Well you were snorin' and droolin' like Hank at last call but it was cute.
I didn't wanna wake you up.
Oh thank you.
That's so sweet.
She hasn't been fussin'? - Er, she got a little fussy earlier.
- Hm.
Changed her diaper.
Laid her down here and she fell asleep on my chest.
Yeah.
- [PEYTON GURGLES SOFTLY] - Listen.
I can't take all the credit.
I put on a video my dad shot of me playin' in high school.
[ABBY CHUCKLES] God.
You fell asleep to that? I mean, to be fair, it's like two and a half hours of feet, occasional cheerin', and a whole lotta [IMPERSONATES BEAU] "Does the red light mean it's on or off?" Means a lot that you did this.
I know how hard you been working.
Okay? - You been working hard, too.
- Well Harder than me.
- [PEYTON GURGLES] - Didn't mean to put you in that position.
I don't wanna be that kinda dad.
I don't wanna miss moments like [PEYTON GURGLES] - this.
- [ABBY AND COLT CHUCKLE] Yeah.
Earlier, Peyton smiled at me.
It was the cutest smile.
I know she was passing gas, but still I've never been that kinda happy.
Just want you to know you can always count on me.
Bennett, you're the best teammate I could ever have.
- Ain't nobody ever said that to me before.
- [SNIGGERS] - You don't have to bullshit me.
- [LAUGHS] - Sorry about that, Peyt.
- Yeah.
Earmuffs.
[LAUGHS] You don't have to get up for a couple hours, so - why don't I take her and you sleep.
- No.
I have a better idea.
Lay here, sleep as a family.
[ABBY] Oh.
Yeah.
[COLT] There we go.
[ABBY GROANS CONTENTEDLY] This is nice.
- This is the best.
- Mmm.
Oh, I owe you for this.
Oh, actually I hide my fancy peach-pit body scrub in the back of the linen closet.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
That's very well hidden, I will use it for the very first time.
[ABBY CHUCKLES] Love you.
I love you.
You really do need to take a shower.
[ABBY, CHUCKLING] I know.
It's bad.
[CAR APPROACHES] Mornin', Luke.
Good to see you.
You, too.
Hey, I I appreciate you coming out to see me last night.
As a thank you, I got you a jet kit for your carburetor.
It was either that or flowers, and something about your personality doesn't scream roses.
Maybe you can tell Colt about that before Father's Day.
If that offer's still good, I'd like to stay a little while.
Really glad to hear that, son.
Let's get started on that carburetor.
I'll grab the keys.
All right, if I'm gonna be stayin' here, I wanna help out.
Maybe you can tell Colt about that idea, too.
Hey, Pop Pop.
What a beautiful mornin', huh? You're in a chipper mood.
Yeah, well, I slept for an hour and 43 minutes.
[IN HIGH VOICE] I feel fuckin' fantastic.
Plus, I put two five-hour energy drinks in my coffee this morning so after I finish up on the ranch I'm gonna go frame out the Peterson place and then put on the YouTubes and teach Peyton how to play guit ar.
Let me finish.
You're in a chipper mood and I hate it.
Figures.
What's Luke doing here? I invited him to stay with us for a while while he figures some things out.
You kiddin' me? He can't stay here.
Guy's unstable.
He's got some issues he's workin' on but I think it'll be good for him.
I don't give a shit about his issues.
I've got my wife, my newborn in this house.
I don't want that guy anywhere near them.
He's family, Colt.
He can stay in the hunting cabin.
The hunting ? Fuck that! That's Rooster's! No, I don't want this guy anywhere on this ranch.
Good thing it's not your ranch.
["DARK SIDE" PLAYS] You can blame it on my rebel raisin' Blame it on the South You can blame it on the words I try to keep here in my mouth It takes a lot to start me up But once that hammer drops Now you don't wanna be the one That tries to make me stop [COUNTRY GUITAR SOLO]