The Ranch (2016) s03e17 Episode Script

Give Me One More Shot

1 Hi.
Ready to get started? Well, I was kinda hoping you'd cook me breakfast first.
Got a hankering for like a frittata and maybe some turkey sausage.
I'm just kidding, Beau.
Uncle Beau? Mr.
Beau? You really don't joke around, do you? I joke all the time.
Knock knock.
- Who's there? - Shut the fuck up.
Hey, Colt.
You got a second to talk? Save it.
You're only here 'cause he wants you here.
You stay away from my wife and my kid.
Sorry about that.
He'll come around.
No, I get it.
He's just being protective.
I'd do the same thing if I had a wife or a kid or even like a, y'know, loyal dog.
I dunno why we're talking about this.
I feel like I'm on Oprah.
Anyways If it's making him upset, me being here, I can leave.
Just give him time.
Colt's emotional.
When he found out they'd took rose hips or some other shit out of his body wash he broke his toe kicking a shopping cart.
What the fuck is a rose hips? Know what? Call me Uncle Beau.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars or drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys Hush little baby don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a bottle 'cause her nipples hurt - Hey, babe.
- Hey.
How's it going? Well, I'm gonna talk in my happy voice so we don't upset our baby, but my boobs feel like they've been through a cheese grater.
Yeah, I get it.
In high school I dated a girl who had braces.
That was me.
Yes, it was.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
She keeps gnawing on me.
She doesn't even have any teeth.
She's like an old woman trying to eat an apple.
Why would you hurt a thing that nourishes you? [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
If there was a boob that had beer that came out of it I'd turn that thing into a religion.
Taken the medicines I gave you? Yeah! Slathered them.
I've iced 'em.
I've aired 'em out.
Did you know that your dad comes in here and grabs coffee at 10:45? I didn't.
Close fucking call.
Good thing I had oven mitts.
I know breastfeeding is the best thing for her and it's supposed to help bond us but I don't know if I can keep doing this.
Really? Isn't that breastfeeding supposed to help the brain development? [ABBY.]
Ow! I read that in one of them books you gave me.
Actually, I just flipped through it and looked at pictures of boobs.
Brain development? [LAUGHS.]
Weren't you breastfed till you were two or three? - Yeah, exactly.
What, you saying that's good or bad? You're so strong and handsome, Colt.
Aw, thank you.
I don't know.
Maybe we should just switch to formula.
What do you think? Is this one of those situations where you want me to be supportive or tell you to suck it up? - I want your honest opinion.
- Okay.
What do you want my honest opinion to be? This is my very first challenge as a mom and I feel like I'm failing.
No way, you ain't failin'.
Obviously, you're just doin' it wrong.
Yeah, and you're not failing as a husband, you're just doin' it wrong.
Anything I can do to help? I need to numb 'em and we're out of ice.
Could you get me your frozen eye mask? Well, then I won't have it in the morning.
- My T-zone's gonna be a mess.
All right, fine, I'll get it.
Oh, by the way, my dad told Luke he could stay here.
I don't want you or Peyton anywhere near him.
That guy's bad news.
Oh, I don't know, he seems fine.
- Oh, really? - Your dad thinks he's a good guy.
A good guy? What? Does a good guy try to rip your head off 'cause you broke a light bulb? You shoved a guy at the Broncos game 'cause he bumped into your churro.
- No.
- What? He snapped it in half.
I had to eat it off the ground.
And I'll say what I said then, you didn't have to eat it! Babe, just 'cause we're in a VIP suite does not mean that we're too good for floor food.
You put all the tools away in the right place.
Are you proud of me or mad at me? Oh, my God! Is this what it's like to have a dad? Sorry, I'm just not used to it.
I once found a screwdriver embedded in a tree.
Turned out the boys were using the air compressor to fire 'em at each other.
Look real close at Colt's left arm, you can still see a little Phillips head there.
Hey! - [BEAU.]
Hey! - Hi! Son, we say "hey" around here.
Thank you so much for letting me stay in your cabin.
If you'd like, I could pay rent.
Oh, my God, you wanna pay something? He put the tools away, too.
Okay, it's not genetics.
We were terrible parents.
Look, I just came by to get Rooster's stuff out of the cabin 'cause I have to go back down to Florida tomorrow.
What happened? Karen take a turn? Y'know, cancer's the only thing that likes hanging out with her.
Jesus, that's No, it's okay, she's a terrible sister.
I'm sorry she's sick erm Please give Aunt Karen my regards.
Also, explain to Aunt Karen who the fuck I am.
- Hey.
- Hey.
See? I got a calf missing.
Think we got another wolf? Didn't see a carcass.
There's tire tracks at the west gate.
Oh, shit, it's a wolf with a truck.
Last night, when I was walking home I saw a blue Nissan truck on your property.
There you go.
Gotta be Toby Henderson.
We got a neighbor with an idiot son who helps himself to a calf here 'n' there and he sells them at auction for an easy 500 bucks.
With assholes like this, how we s'posed to make America great again, Dad? [COLT.]
Huh? All right, fuck it.
I'm going over there.
That calf doesn't have a brand yet.
And Peterson never earmarked his calves.
You can't prove it's yours.
Unless you catch that dipshit in the act, that's just the cost of doing business.
So what? I'm just supposed to do nothin'? Yeah, that don't seem right to me, either.
Take it easy, I got this, spark plug.
I can call his dad but you know he's just gonna deny it.
Guy's a real piece of work.
Grumpy asshole.
Just hides out at the ranch all day, complainin' about everything.
Oh, my God, your dad! You do joke around, that's good.
Knock knock.
You want me to bring you anything back from Florida? [HE SCOFFS.]
Hey, how about a shirt that says, "We kept Gore out of the White House"? I already got one.
I'm really sorry you gotta deal with all that.
She's my sister.
It's just like you helping out Greg's son.
No, I mean going to Florida.
It's like California, except instead of giving us Reagan, they gave us Jeb.
Mary, what the fuck?! Oh, hey! What's up? I, er left some stuff here, and I didn't want to bother you.
So, there it is.
This blanket belonged to my grandmother.
It's a I think we all know why you're here.
We do? She's been stealing from me and trying to pin it on Maria, and I'm pretty sure you have a drug problem.
Is that true? No! No, it is not true.
Would you stop spreading rumors about me? Jesus.
I haven't thrown a punch since Black Friday, but you are pissing me off way more than that pregnant lady who wanted the last Nintendo.
All right, Mary, I think it'd be best if you go.
If we find anything that belongs to you, we'll let you know.
All right.
Thank you, Beau.
If you find a set of handcuffs, I'm gonna need those back.
They also belonged to my grandmother.
How long has this been goin' on? Oh, I don't know.
A few weeks that I know of.
I actually caught her stealing pills from Janice's purse the day Peyton was born.
Janice takes pills? That's not good.
I thought she was just a drunk.
Is there something we should be doing to help Mary? You know what? All I do is help people.
I'm gonna let someone else handle this.
Wait a second! I'm willing to help somebody and you're not? And now I'm trying to talk to you about it? What the fuck is goin' on? Y'know in grief counseling the other day, this guy, Paul, he was talking about his son, he was killed in a car crash.
Apparently, his buddy was texting and driving.
The driver lived.
And whenever Paul sees that kid, he gets filled with anger.
That's how I feel when I see Mary.
Maggie, we've been through this.
It was an accident.
But if Mary hadn't have been in his life, there would have been no accident.
So, Colt, how's being a dad? Well, it's great.
I wish my teacher could see me now.
Why? I broke like five of them egg babies you're supposed to keep alive.
Old Peyton, she only slipped out of my hands like once.
The trick is to boil 'em.
The eggs.
- Hey Colt, you got a minute? - Come on, man.
I just wanna enjoy one beer in peace before I gotta go back to baby duty.
That's your third.
Who are you? Fucking beer police? If I said yes, can I confiscate that Budweiser? [CHUCKLES.]
Shit! Found your cow.
What? Saw that blue Nissan, followed it back to the ranch.
Had to be that Toby guy.
He was shooting arrows in the air and trying to avoid them when they came down.
He dodged three out of four of them, so Fucking idiot.
You gotta light 'em on fire so you can see 'em come back in.
Yeah, that's the smart way.
Erm He left so I snooped around and I found a calf in there without an ear tag.
- Fuckin' knew it.
- Mm-hm.
I'm thinking we should go over there and get that back tonight.
I'll do it myself.
Okay, lone wolf.
Look, we don't have to be best friends, you don't gotta follow me on Instagram.
Although if you did, you'd get to watch my marriage of five years fall apart.
Guy she left me for is in three of the pictures.
Kinda like Where's Waldo? if Waldo was raw-dogging your wife.
I'm thinking, hey, we go over there tonight in my truck, they're not gonna recognize it.
We got plenty of hell getting that calf in the back of my Bronco.
All right, screw it.
Meet me in the driveway at nine o'clock.
All right, see you then.
See ya! By the way, you look better since you trimmed your beard, Rooster.
The fuck's the matter with you? [DOOR KNOCKS.]
- Hello? - Hey Luke! Hey! Was getting stuff out of my truck and I noticed the light on.
As I was opening the door, I thought, a lot of scary movies start with a guy checking on a cabin in the woods.
Most notably the film Cabin in the Woods.
No, there's only one scary guy with a chainsaw around here and he's usually complaining about how it was put away wrong.
You sure you're fine with me staying? No, absolutely.
I'm glad you're here.
I haven't seen Beau this happy since, - I dunno, the NHL went on strike.
Yeah, I wish Colt was a little more thrilled with it.
Although I think I came up with a plan to win him over.
D'you know what rose hips are or where I could buy them? Don't worry about Colt.
He's been through a lot.
Beau told me about Rooster.
It's terrible.
I'm sorry to hear that.
The worst part is, he really shouldn't be gone.
And he wouldn't have been if it wasn't It doesn't matter.
I shouldn't be dumping any of this on you.
No, it's fine with me, I totally understand.
When people die it's really hard not to obsess over why it happened.
My mom died of lung cancer, never smoked a cigarette her whole life.
I'm sorry.
The whole time I was going through that with her I was just so pissed, y'know? Just looking for some kind of explanation or someone to blame and y'know, I was like her ex-boyfriend who smoked around her or the factory she worked in, the doctors that missed it.
I was driving myself crazy, and finally she said, "Luke, you gotta let all that anger go, it's not gonna help you.
" And she sent me over to the liquor store to get her a pack of Parliaments 'cause she said, "If I'm going to die of this, I don't wanna go out like a pussy.
" Well, you seem to be handling it pretty well.
You think? If you remember, when you met me, I was falling out of a cop car drunk, so, I wouldn't say I'm crushing it.
No, I wasn't even here when Rooster died.
I just wish I could talk to him one more time.
What do you think he'd say? Oh I don't know.
Probably, "Don't waste your time crying about me.
" Or, "Don't let Colt forget who the real father of his daughter is.
" I wish I could've met him.
Any guy with a shirt that says, "I can't drive 55, but I can drive .
08," is my kind of people.
Fucking Toby.
Still laying down hay.
How can you do something so wrong and take so long to do it? God, I'm turning into my dad.
So your mom's bar, Maggie's, it's a pretty great place.
- Yep.
- Must've been fun growing up around that.
Back in Detroit our hangout wasn't a bar so much as a boarded-up house we'd pry open and drink forties in.
There was always a guy in there that looked like Hank, though.
Look, we don't have to talk.
You're just here 'cause I needed a truck.
All right.
Look, I know you're still mad about yesterday.
I get it.
I'm sorry I snapped like that.
It's fine.
No, it's not fine.
Just, y'know, sometimes shit sets me off.
Loud noise.
Last year, I ruined Mardi Gras for a lot of people.
All right, no offense, but just 'cause you're saying you're sorry don't make me feel any safer about having you around my family.
All right, I get that, but Colt, I would never hurt your family.
- Mm-hm? - Ever.
If you knew what kinda guy I really was, you'd see that.
I saw what kinda guy you really were.
No, you didn't see what kinda guy I really am.
You saw me at a bad moment.
I wish it hadn't happened, but it did.
And if the roles were reversed, it was you that was fucked up I might not trust you at first, but I'd give you a chance.
Oh, shit, he's gone.
Let's go! Ow! Okay, Peyton, it's not a piñata.
There's nothing better inside.
Everything all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
But I don't think you want to get in the middle of this.
Oh, I was great with the boys when they were babies.
It's after they started to talk that things went south.
All right, well I mean, it hurts when I nurse Peyton because my nipples are all cracked and bleeding.
Oh, well - Hey! - Thank God, Maggie! So good to see you.
I haven't seen you this happy since I walked in and told you Hillary lost.
What's up? She's got a teat problem.
And talking to Beau isn't helping? Y'know, I do have a salve that might help.
I make it myself.
Works great on the heifers.
Yeah, well, this heifer's gonna pass.
No, I used it.
It's all natural.
It really does help.
You have to be careful walking through the field though, 'cause those calves will chase you down.
All right, what the hell.
I mean, I'm desperate, I'll try anything.
I'll go get it.
I usually slather it on with a paintbrush but I guess you could do it by hand.
What's goin' on? How long did you breastfeed the boys? Oh, Colt, about a year and a half.
I had to cut Rooster off when he started unbuttoning my shirt himself.
I wanna do this but I'm exhausted.
And it hurts.
I feel like all I'm doing is feeding her.
I wanna be a good mom.
What are you talking about? You're a great mom.
Then why do I feel like I wanna bail out even though all the experts in the books say tough it out? You gotta make that decision for yourself.
I never thought I'd be the kind of parent that would put a leash on their kid, but you lose them a few times in the mall, next thing, you're throwing a rope around him and telling Sheila Manning she can worry about her own fuckin' kids.
Yeah, I get it, I mean Colt still runs off every time he sees a Cinnabon.
Listen, I would encourage you to stick with it.
It does get easier.
But, y'know, it doesn't matter what my opinion is or anyone else's.
It's your baby and your body.
It's your decision.
Wow, that would make a great bumper sticker that Beau would hate.
I just don't wanna screw things up for Peyton.
Listen to me, Peyton's gonna be fine, right? As long as you love her and you take care of her.
Well, breastfeeding is no guarantee of perfect children.
Again, both Colt and Rooster were breastfed.
There you go! [MOOING.]
Get the rope around her neck so we can get her in the truck.
Out of context, that's a creepy sentence.
- OK, the rabbit comes outta the hole - [COW MOOS.]
- Go! - Around the tree We're getting out of here.
Mother Goose, tie a knot! - This is how I learned how to do it, okay? - Do it faster! Great, now the rabbit got loose.
I gotta start over.
Toby! - What do we do? - What do you mean? We have to kill this guy.
I'm fuckin' with you.
Listen You go get your cow, I'll handle the rest.
What? That's your plan? What's your plan? Keep arguing about it? - You're right.
Good point.
- Break! - Oh! Hey! - What the hell are you doing in here?! You're trespassing! Okay, it's okay.
Listen, I was trespassing, but now I'm talking to a new friend.
You got three seconds to tell me what the hell's goin' on.
I got something right here that'll explain all this Fuck you! I'm taking my fuckin' calf back! By the way, your Nissan Frontier, makes America sad.
Stay down.
Anytime now.
- [COLT.]
I'm getting her.
All right.
- Okay.
Shotgun! Shotgun! Hey, you laid the hay out wrong.
You gotta do better, Toby.
All right, she's in.
- Holy shit! - Go, go, go! Get fast! This is fuckin' awesome! - Hahaha! - Wahaha! Fuck you, Toby! Fuck you! - Hey, Mary.
- Whaddya want? We need to talk.
Look, if I want to be judged, I'd show up for my indecent exposure hearing.
I owe you an apology.
I've been having a really hard time since Rooster's gone.
I thought it was easier to blame you than deal with my own pain, but the truth is Rooster wouldn't want us mad at each other.
I know you're struggling as well.
I just wanna help.
So, you're gonna give me my job back? Sorry, no, I can't do that.
Then how the hell are you gonna help me? I just thought I could help you, y'know, find a way to deal with your problem.
What problem, Maggie? I would help you find a group or a program or a rehab.
- I hear they're really nice now.
I have a friend who went to one.
She said as soon as you get past the cavity search it's just like a spa.
I don't I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I don't have a fucking problem, all right? So, stop pretending like you're here for me, okay? You're here for you.
You feel guilty? All right, let me help ya.
I don't need you to give a shit about me.
I'm fine.
When's the last time you had a can of Planters Peanuts? Because I think you're picturing somethin' else.
- What are you talking about? - What I'm saying is That's Mr.
Peanut's body.
There aren't dick and balls inside of his shell.
Yeah, there are.
The shell, that's not part of his outfit, it's like the top hat and monocle.
He's a businessman dressed as a business peanut.
Oh, okay.
And then, by that logic, the Kool-Aid guy, he's a businessman and he's dressed as a business pitcher? If you're not gonna take this seriously, I ain't gonna waste my time.
- Okay.
Hey thanks for your help.
Yeah, no problem.
Wanna grab a beer? Yeah.
You sure? Yeah.
Peyton's probably still awake.
You wanna meet her, right? Yeah, I'd like that.
Then get off your ass.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
How is it that a light bulb sets you off but shotgun blasts and you're totally fine? I think when I'm spooked, doesn't go well, but I was pretty fucking sure that guy was gonna shoot at us.
Makes sense.
All right, Michelin Man Dick or no dick? Oh, dick for days.
How do you think he fathered the Pillsbury Doughboy? - Yeah.
All girth, huh? - Mm-hm.
Last call, last chance Last song, last dance Sometimes you just don't know When that's gonna be Hold me baby, give me a kiss Like tonight is all there is 'Cause there's a last time For everything
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