The Ranch (2016) s03e18 Episode Script

Keep on Dreamin'

1 So Joanne, Beau tells me you're visiting your daughter out in Arizona.
Or as Beau called it, an even shittier New Mexico.
Yeah, she's doing really well.
She has a new boyfriend named "Travis.
" He has a ring in his nose, his eyebrow, and his lip.
His face looks like a fucking Zales.
But he's really good with my granddaughter.
Travis, Jason, and Chad three names that just say, "I'm a dipshit.
" So you're a long way from Detroit.
Must be different livin' on a ranch.
Uh, no, not so different.
Smells the same.
A lot of burnt-out buildings.
Everyone's got a gun.
Been good havin' Luke around.
Unlike Colt, when I asked him to help me work on the truck, he didn't ask to get paid in hugs.
Although if that is an option, I'd take one.
It's not.
So, what was wrong with the truck? Is it 'cause it's a Ford? [BEAU GUFFAWS INSINCERELY] Y'know, they say on a quiet night you can hear the sound of a Ford rust.
I told him to get a Dodge.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES] What does he want a Dodge for? Is he startin' a bonfire? [GUFFAWS] Right.
- Hey, Beau.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Joanne.
- Hey, Lisa.
Luke, this is Lisa Neumann, runs the biggest cow operation in the state.
This is my nephew, Luke.
He drives a Dodge.
And Dodge isn't even in NASCAR.
Neither are dragons and I still want to ride one of them.
I'm sorry for stopping by so late, but my bank needs you to sign these contracts before I can pick up your cattle.
Damn bankers.
I miss the days when all you needed was a handshake, and you could shoot anybody that came on your property, - no questions asked.
- [LISA CHUCKLES] Would a 12-year-old bottle of Pappy Van Winkle help you? How'd they wait that long? I mean, if this was mine, it'd be 30-second Pappy Van Winkle.
You're doing the right thing.
Yeah, I know.
It'd be good to slow down a bit 'til the next breeding season starts.
Spend a little time with my family instead of obsessing over every little detail.
I'm not signin' these contracts with fuckin' blue ink.
Here.
A black pen.
Or would you like a red one? I know that's the color you prefer your states.
There you go.
Well, Beau I've been waiting a long time to say this: These are my cows now, so you stay the fuck away from them.
Here's to doin' business with you.
Flag on the play.
I, um didn't know we were waitin'.
To Beau Bennett.
- Woo! - Hey! What the hell's goin' on out here? It's the middle of the night! It's eight o'clock.
Yeah, well, when the sun goes down so does the fuckin' radio.
- Shit, is that Pappy Van Winkle? - [LISA CHUCKLES] We gotta keep her down or Abby's gonna lose her shit.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys [LUKE] Okay, I got one for you.
From the waist down, you look like John Holmes.
From the ears up, you look like Telly Savalas.
No hair.
I'll say the same thing I've said for the last five, "hair.
" It's always gonna be the hair.
- Hey, babe.
Where you been? - Hey.
I just ran to the grocery store and on my way home I got pulled over.
- What? - Couldn't even do my cleavage thing 'cause the cop was a chick.
You show your cleavage to the cops? Not just cops.
I get refills at Starbucks.
I get free appetizers at Chili's.
I've even been upgraded on flights.
Wait a second, you left me in coach! You told me they screwed up the boardin' passes.
I tried to flirt my way out of a ticket once with a female cop.
DUI thing, and I said I'll blow into yours if you blow into mine.
What'd they stop you for? Peyton was up front 'cause my pickup doesn't have a back seat.
We really need a safe, family car.
Luke's good with cars.
We oughta get him to bolt a couch to the bed of your pickup truck.
You know, I've done it, and I don't recommend it.
[COLT] Yeah, whatever.
Well, he's crazy.
He thought the lazy-boy tractor was a bad idea 'til we tried it.
Where's your dad? Oh, he's at the shooting range with Joanne.
Apparently, they got an early-bird special for senior citizens.
He wanted to get there first so he'd get that handicapped spot.
Old, blind and deaf, nothing left to lose, handling firearms - What could go wrong? - Right? I'm happy for him.
At least he's taking advantage of his time off.
Too bad Lisa didn't offer to take our cattle to market.
She did.
What? When? Same time she offered my dad.
Why you got that face, like I just binge-watched the entire season of Stranger Things without you? No, Colt, it's the "Why am I hearing about this for the first time?" face.
I should know that one by now.
That's a pretty big decision to make without talking to me first.
What I Well I I work all day.
What you want me to do? Give you a play-by-play of everything that happened? Yesterday you came home and talked to me for 45 minutes about which cows were dating, and which ones were single.
What? - Don't you fuckin' start with me.
- What? You liked it! You was talkin' about havin' cow weddings, veils, dresses and shit.
I just like to be involved with things that affect our family.
All right.
I'm sorry.
- I'm meeting a buyer this mornin'.
- Oh? Frank Stephens, old friend of my dad's he's dealt with before, see if we can work something out.
Okay.
Thank you for telling me.
Maybe tonight we can binge-watch the new season of Stranger Things.
Yes We got one more thing we gotta talk about.
[MOUTHS WITHOUT SPEAKING] I wish you would have let me do all this for you, Beau.
You're supposed to be taking it easy now and relaxing.
I'm loading fence posts into the back of a truck.
This is my Disneyland.
So, I know you're gonna have some down time and I thought maybe you could teach me a little more about ranching.
I overheard you sayin' there's a breeding season for cows.
I'd love to know about that.
I mean, I don't need to watch 'em.
Unless that's part of it.
I'll teach you whatever you wanna know.
[DALE] Hey, Beau! Hey, Dale.
This is my nephew, Luke.
Luke, Dale's our vet.
He's also my most annoying friend.
I'm also his only friend, which also makes me his least annoying friend.
Game, set, match, motherfucker.
[LUKE LAUGHS] Good to meet you, Dale.
You guys ever consider doing a podcast together? 'Cause I would listen.
Well, sure I have.
I've asked him to be on my podcast, You Got Dale.
Lunch is ready! Grilled cheese sandwiches.
Well, look at that, I dropped by just at lunchtime.
What are the odds of that? One hundred percent.
Let's go.
Hey, Dale, Charlene called.
She said you're on a strict diet.
I'm not supposed to feed you.
And she also found all those Butterfingers in your sock drawer.
Oh, come on, with a wife like that why would I want to extend my life? Oh, Luke how come I never heard of you before? Well, that's kind of a funny story.
My dad was Beau's brother, but he died in Vietnam before I was born.
I didn't even know about this side of the family until my mom told me on her deathbed two weeks ago.
Maybe I should not have led with "kind of a funny story.
" Well, you're no Dane Cook.
[LOUD BEEPING] - [BEAU] What the hell? - [JOANNE] I left the stove on.
[BEEPING CONTINUES] [BEAU] Jesus Christ! Ow, hey, hey, hey! - [BEEPING CONTINUES] - Is Luke okay? - [BEEPING CONTINUES] - The damn smoke alarm.
The boy's got a lot of shit in his head.
[BEEPING STOPS] Stuff he brought home from Iraq.
Is he getting any help? He tried, but according to Beau, the VA's overloaded.
I gotta friend, Jack, works for the VA at Grand Junction.
Maybe he can cut through some of that red tape.
Well, thanks, Dale.
I owe you one.
Government doesn't have the funding to support our troops, but they can afford to issue a commemorative Star Trek stamp.
Yeah, it's a damn shame.
But I will say this, your Christmas cards can have a Klingon up in the corner.
Colt! Hey, Mr.
Stephens.
How you doin'? - Good.
- All right.
Oh.
Shit cow shit.
[COW MOOS] Yeah, I know, it's yours.
It'd be a lot weirder if I wasn't a rancher, huh? Y'know, the last time I saw you, you couldn't have been more than 16 years old.
And you were payin' some crazy, old, drunk guy to buy you rum and Cokes at one of our Applebee's.
I remember that.
Y'know, Hank's still around.
Get a chance to check out the herd? Yeah, I did.
They look good.
But, boy, how many head are you looking to sell? One-twenty.
It would be 121 but it turns out my friend Beer Pong can do ten push-ups, so One-twenty, huh? All right, how's this sound? I'll buy 118 and then I'll knock out 20 push-ups for the other two.
You'll buy 'em all? Well, that's awesome.
How you feel about being carried around a bar on the shoulders of a grown-ass man? I feel like that's a weird thing for a grown-ass man to say.
How does $1.
40 a pound sound? Whoa, that's way too low.
The quality of these cows, I'm thinkin' like 1.
60.
Hmm.
What I'm offerin' is a fair price for a first-time rancher.
Now if it was your dad, it'd be different, but nobody knows who the hell Colt Bennett is.
Mmm Garrison PD'd beg to differ with you on that.
Look, this herd's every bit as good as my dad's.
But your dad and Iron River have 40 years' reputation behind them.
That's 40 years of impeccable breeding and superior genetics.
All right, look I If I take $1.
40 that's gonna be like twenty, thirty grand out of my pocket.
I won't be able to run this ranch, let alone live.
I'm buildin' a house, I just got married, I got a newborn.
I don't wanna sell to someone else, but I will if I have to.
I get it.
Good luck.
Fuck.
Okay, bluff called.
Colt, no buyer is gonna give you a better deal than that, and I am probably giving you more than I should because you're a family friend.
Bill Metill offered me a buck-fifty two weeks ago.
I turned it down 'cause I knew I was comin' to you.
Well, if you had called me, I would have told you to take that deal.
I'm really sorry, Colt.
Um Give your dad my best.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, look, I know it's not much, but here's a couple coupons.
That's a free dessert, good at any Applebee's.
With purchase of entrée?! Well, come on, man! - Hey.
- Hey.
Check it out.
I was looking at some cars.
This minivan has a fridge built in between the seats.
We could store Peyton's milk or sandwiches or, who am I kiddin'? We could have ice-cold beers in the car.
[UNENTHUSIASTICALLY] Well, that sounds great.
"Great?" Ice-cold beers in the car, that's how you would drive to heaven.
What is goin' on? Did the meeting not go well? Bid came in a little low.
How low? Twenty to thirty grand too low.
Jesus Christ, that's crazy.
- We can't take that.
- I know.
That's why I told him no.
So what are we gonna do? Did you talk to other buyers? Of course.
I talked to every buyer from here to Iowa.
They all offered like twice the price, but I thought I'd lead with the bad news.
You don't have to be a jerk.
You asked me to communicate.
I tell you what's goin' on, you're like, "Jesus Christ, that's bad!" Yeah, I know it's bad! That's been communicated.
So now what? I don't know.
- We'll figure it out.
- We'll figure it out? - I'm sorry, I'm freakin' out right now.
- Yeah, I know.
I get it.
It's gonna be okay.
Please.
Just trust me.
I trust you.
Yeah.
I'll find a buyer.
Sell the cattle and in a month from now you can be sittin' in the front seat of a new minivan, drinkin' ice-cold beer.
Holy shit, is that the price?! You're gonna be in a used minivan, drinking lukewarm beer.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm fine.
I mean I ran out of a burning house, leaving three senior citizens and a mom and a baby upstairs, so No, I'm pretty good.
Don't worry about it.
Dale was happy he got another grilled cheese.
So listen Dale told me he knows some guy down at the VA that can help cut through all the red tape.
He also said he knows some guy that'll get you a good deal on some Yeezys, whatever in the fuck that is.
That's nice of Dale and you as well, but my problems aren't your responsibility, Beau.
And to be honest, I'm about as interested in telling a bunch of strangers my problems as I am listening to theirs.
Oh, I don't need a DNA test.
You are definitely related to me.
But some problems you can't solve on your own, son.
Y'know, last time I went to the VA, they just shuffled me from doctor to doctor.
Each one wrote me a different prescription.
Only thing I learned is, if you mix a red pill, a blue pill, and two yellows, side effects may include waking up in the claw machine at a Dave & Buster's.
Dale said they're gonna have a group meeting tomorrow night.
There'd be a chair for you.
Oh, I don't know.
Why don't you give it a chance? If it'll help, I'll even go with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You'll go with me? - Sure.
Well, I wanna see that.
Thank you.
I'll do it.
Okay.
Settle for a hand hug.
Pick you up tomorrow night at 6:30.
Maybe we can check out Dale's podcast on the way.
No.
Hey, Ms.
Neumann.
Thanks for meeting with me.
I have friends that I see less than you.
Friends I like, friends I care about.
Friends that didn't come to my suite at the Broncos game and kiss Peyton Manning.
He had it coming.
Wait.
You have friends that give you free desserts at Applebee's? Oh, with purchase of an entrée, really? So what can I do for you? Well I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna accept your offer.
I'm ready to be a part of the Neumann's Hill family.
Colt Neumann, at your service.
Hey, I know I've only been on the team for like eight seconds, but when I get the company truck can I get an extended cab? 'Cause I'd really prefer to not have to buy a couch.
Colt, I've already made all my deals for the year.
I can't take on any more cows.
[STUTTERING] What about your offer? Yeah, that was two weeks ago, and you said no, so I moved on.
Okay, you're right, I screwed up on that.
It's like when the cops asked me if I was done being tased.
I shoulda said yes.
This is the last chance I have to break even on the year.
I'm sorry.
I wish you had taken my offer when your dad did.
Look, okay Is there something we can do here? Well, I'm not gonna buy your cows.
But I am still interested in buying your ranch.
Come on now, I came here to sell my cows, not give up on my dream.
I love that you're a dreamer but being an independent rancher has never been harder, and I think you're finding that out.
Look, I wish you all the best, Colt, I really do.
But if it ever gets to be too much I'm here.
I would rather lose everything than sell my ranch.
Thank you for your time.
- Hey.
- What's up? Oh, I told Abby I was out pickin' up diapers.
Keep a big box of 'em here.
Y'know, you can't get kicked out of a bar for having diapers.
You can get kicked out of a Sam's Club for drinkin' a beer.
Y'know, they'll also throw you outta there for having sex in the handicapped stall.
The girl had an eye patch on, she needed the extra room.
Y'know, I once had sex with a girl in a manhole.
That doesn't really sound right.
Your story's cooler.
You're drinkin' Keystone Light? Damn straight, I'm drinkin' Keystone.
Owned by the same company that owns Coors.
Tastes the same.
Both got mountains on the can.
Only difference is Keystone's are sideways.
Guess what? For an extra dollar, I can live with sideways mountains.
- Ho ly shit.
- [LUKE] Mm-hmm.
I'm telling you, it's just like that Tylenol brand, pain relief, versus CVS brand.
You crush those fuckers up, you snort 'em up, you're gonna feel the same way.
We gotta get you in front of a crowd.
You could be president.
I mean, you gotta fuck a couple porn stars, but we'll get you there.
So what's happening with you? I've been trying for the last couple days to sell my cattle.
Looks like I'm fucked.
You try talking to your dad? He knows a shit-ton about ranchin'.
And the guy's been trying to help me and I certainly don't deserve it.
Yeah, well You ain't his fuck-up son.
You're his perfect nephew.
[LUKE] Hmm.
I've got a big ole baggie of Tylenol powder in the truck that would say otherwise.
I just feel like I'm lettin' my whole family down.
I can relate.
You wanna talk to me about it? Not really.
- Wanna talk to me about your shitty life? - No, no, no, no.
Not at all.
Wanna blindfold each other, see if we can taste the difference between Keystone and Coors? Fuck, yeah, I do.
[TV ON] - Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? Is that CNN? No! No, I was just, y'know, clickin' through.
Fuckin' fake news.
Yeah.
So I went to pick up Luke to take him to the VA meeting, and he's not at the hunting cabin.
Not answerin' his phone and Dale said he didn't show up.
Oh shit.
I guess he's not ready.
Well, he said he'd be there.
We shook hands on it.
Y'know, I was gonna surprise him, let him listen to Dale's podcast on the way over.
Well, fuck that.
You can't force people to get help, Beau.
To get my daughter to rehab, I actually tied her up and threw her in the truck, once.
That still didn't work.
Second I untied her, she bit me and ran off.
The point of him stayin' here was to help him get through this shit.
I set this whole thing up and he treats it like a side salad at a steakhouse, and throws it away.
I know you want to help him, Beau, but it can be a long journey.
Yeah, I get that.
But he's not even willing to take the first step.
Dale went out on a limb for him.
Y'know, Beau, he's gotta come at this on his own terms.
So until Luke is ready, you're just gonna have to be patient.
Maybe you're right.
Being patient sucks.
I'm gonna go fire a gun at something.
So Hank, what do you like to do besides hang out at the bar? Like to do or do? Hmm, look at this.
One man, two drinks.
Hi, I'm Mary.
Look at this, an attractive woman talking to me.
I'm Luke.
Wait a minute, you don't have a subpoena for me, do you? Uh-uh.
Do you have a search warrant for me? - Hey.
- [BEAU] Hey.
[GROANS] You watchin' CNN? Couldn't find the fuckin' remote.
Wolf Blitzer.
- What a waste of a good name.
- [COLT TITTERS] Hell, boy.
All right, Pop, good night.
Good night, son.
You drinkin' Coors? What gave it away? That the can says "Coors"? Y'know, it's the same shit as Keystone Light? They just charge you extra for that fancy can.
Didn't you already say good night? Holy shit! You're Coors and I'm Keystone.
What? Fuck, okay, I got an idea.
I already tried the tuner for your TV and it didn't work.
- [COLT] No Well - [BEAU] Tthere you go.
No, I I need your help.
Look no one will give me a fair price for my cattle 'cause I'm a first-time rancher.
But I bet they would if I sold them under the Iron River name.
I need you to help me make my Keystone cows into Coors cows.
Jesus, Colt.
Peterson never got top dollar for his cows.
You don't know anything about their history, their genetics.
I've spent a lifetime bringin' my herd along.
I can stick my name on 'em 'cause I know what's in 'em.
When they leave this ranch, they're ready, the best I can make 'em.
That's why the Iron River name means something.
[WHISPERS] Dad I wouldn't ask for your help if I didn't need it.
You can say I told you so you can say I'm worthless, you say whatever you want.
But I need this.
I can't do it.
You can say whatever you want, but not that.
I told you to take that Neumann's Hill deal.
You didn't tell me I was gonna get lowballed by everyone.
You didn't want to hear what I had to say.
You fought tooth and nail for me to let you run your own ranch.
Asking me to sell your cows is not running your own ranch.
I'm running my own ranch.
I'm doing the work.
I need your help this one time, this year.
When I bought this ranch there was nobody around here to bail me out, and it made me a better rancher.
You're a tough guy.
You can sell your cattle under my name.
It'll help you in the short term, but in the long run, it'll only hurt you.
You, your family, and your brand.
So, you're not gonna help me? I am helping you.
You only got one son left.
You won't do this for me? For your granddaughter? [SCOFFS] I don't need your fuckin' help.
[DOOR SHUTS] Thought I saw the light on.
Why are you still up? Just havin' a drink.
- Peyton go down okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, your dad read her a book to go to sleep.
I couldn't find Goodnight Moon so he read her a pamphlet from the NRA.
[APES BEAU] "That's how you maintain a well-armed militia.
" You okay? Yeah, fine.
Are you sure? It seems like you got somethin' on your mind.
I met with Ms.
Neumann today about that offer.
Oh.
How did that go? Great.
We're all set.
What really? Buying the whole herd.
- [ABBY GASPS] - You don't have to worry anymore.
That's great.
That's great.
I'll hit the road no place in mind No idea, won't know just what I might find Melodies and trees hang by my side Knowing it's all I need All the symmetry, it makes me wonder Could it carry me through dog days of summer?