The Ranch (2016) s04e04 Episode Script

1 [INSECTS CHIRRUP.]
I haven't done this for 50 years.
But I think after I propose, you're supposed to talk.
[JOANNE GASPS.]
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE.]
Sorry, Beau.
I can't marry you.
What? You're moving too fast.
That's something I've never been accused of.
What's going on? We're only living together 'cause my house burned down.
Otherwise, we wouldna done it, and You're just asking me to marry you 'cause you think you should.
That's not true.
I love you, and I thought you felt the same way.
Please, my answer's no.
Joanne.
Wait.
Can't we talk? Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Why.
Don't.
You.
Fucking.
Work.
You know, they say a mechanic handles his tools the way he handles his tool.
Is your penis okay? You're late.
Or am I super early for tomorrow? Look, I'm sorry.
I barely got any sleep last night.
Mary disappeared and I haven't found her yet.
Hold on.
We talked about this.
Before we partnered back up, you promised me that this Mary shit wouldn't be my problem.
I just told you Mary's missing, and that's what you have to say about it? You know what? Fuck it.
It's not your problem.
Let's work.
Yeah, I've been working for about an hour there, bud.
Well, you're making great progress.
I see your oil cap here says "Yoo-hoo" on it.
Yeah, well, we can't always afford new parts, all right? To be fair, I did buy that Yoo-hoo at an AutoZone.
[LUKE.]
Well you're not gonna wanna hear this but we got a cracked engine block.
Fu That's gonna be, like, a thousand dollars.
[SIGHS.]
You know what I had for dinner last night? A pair of edible underwear I found in Rooster's old room.
Said "Happy Mother's Day" on it.
I don't even wanna know.
Well I don't know what you wanna do, but this ain't running until we get a new block.
Shit.
But didn't you say you got, like a bit of money left over? I had, yeah.
It's gone.
Gone? What happened? I lent it to somebody.
Lent it to who? - Oh, fuck me sideways! - What? Are you fucking kidding me? She was late on her mortgage.
I didn't think she'd run off with the money.
But what did you think she was gonna spend it on? Lollipops? It's my money.
So I'll do whatever the fuck I want with it.
How many times I gotta tell you? Listen, this woman is gonna ruin your life.
Okay, why don't you just fucking help me? Nobody knows this town better than you.
Tell me where she'd score drugs, who she'd talk to.
Where she might be? I know you don't give a shit but I'm worried about her.
[BIRD SQUAWKING.]
All right.
If anyone in this town's doing drugs, there's a guy named Shaggy that'll know about it.
And if you're in the market for an exotic pet, he might be able to hook you up with a snake or a chinchilla.
I wish I had chinchilla money.
Look, don't worry about this tractor, we'll figure it out.
Figure it out.
That's all we do.
We figure shit out and then something else pops up.
It's like a never-ending fish's cycle.
A "fish's cycle"? Yeah.
The phrase is "vicious cycle.
" [SNIGGERS.]
No.
It's fish's cycle.
Like a fish trying to ride a bicycle, it ain't got no legs, it just sits there going Sh sh sh Doggone! It would get real frustrated.
Fish's cycle! You learned something new, didn't you? That I did.
You're not homeschooling Peyton, are you? Whatever.
Joanne.
Hey, Beau.
I been trying to reach you.
Callin', textin'.
Almost signed up for an e-mail account.
Sorry I worried you.
Stayed in a motel last night.
I just needed a little time alone.
[COW MOOING IN DISTANCE.]
[BEAU.]
I'm just glad you're back.
And I'm sorry if I was rushin' things.
We don't have to get married.
Saves me watching Colt and Dale cry when I tell them I want my best man to be Drake.
There's something I've been trying to figure out how to tell you.
And when you asked me to marry you, it just caught me by surprise.
So what's going on? I went to the doctor a few weeks back and they did a bunch of tests I'm in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
Oh.
Jesus! I'm so sorry.
Are they sure? Maybe we could go to somebody else.
I forget stuff all the time.
The other day, I was in there, spent 20 minutes looking for my glasses before I realized I don't wear any fucking glasses.
Honestly, I wasn't that surprised when they told me.
One day, I went for my usual walk around the lake and [SIGHS.]
all of a sudden I looked around and I had no idea where I was.
It was terrifying.
I was in a place that I'd been a thousand times before nothing looked familiar.
It was It was like I was a stranger in my own life.
Why didn't you tell me about this? What was I gonna say? I I got lost walking around the lake? It's embarrassing, it's a fucking circle! Yeah, like you said, it's early.
No telling what they'll come up with to treat it.
Well, thanks.
But the reality is, at some point, my my little granddaughter is gonna give me a hug and I'm not gonna know who she is.
Love you.
I love you, too.
We'll get through it.
Together.
Beau I've already made arrangements.
I'm gonna go live with my daughter in Arizona.
[SNIFFS.]
- What? - I've been trying to find a good time to tell you.
You're leaving? I don't want you taking care of me.
I want you to remember me like I am.
- Joanne, it's - Stop now.
Please.
This is hard enough.
I made up my mind.
I'm leaving tonight.
Tonight? The longer I stay, the harder it'll be to leave.
This is the right decision.
Besides, I took care of my daughter when she was all methed out and couldn't remember her own name.
So she owes me one.
- Can't we talk about this? - No.
There's nothing more to say.
Hey.
Where the hell have you been? I was with that Shaggy guy you were telling me about.
Thanks for hooking us up.
He made me meet him down at the strip club.
He said the girls don't really twirl around the pole, the pole just rotates.
Like findin' out there's no Santa Claus.
Has he seen Mary? No, but he's gonna ask around.
Oh.
On Halloween, you should bring Peyton down to the club, because they're gonna do trick or treat for the kids.
The strippers are gonna dress up in costumes.
Then take 'em off at some point.
What did you wanna show me? Oh.
All right.
Well, I Googled "how to make money with cows," which led me to how McDonald's makes money with cows, which led me down to McDonald's.
Yea Can you believe it? Fuck Mike Perrier works there.
If you went to high school with me that would blow your mind.
We all thought he was dead.
Turns out he just lost an arm in a tractor incident.
- Took forever to get my McFlurry.
- Hmm.
You know what? I've seen that dude at the McDonald's.
I was there and something got stuck in the deep fryer.
He took those pinchers, slammed them right in there, popped it out.
So fucking cool! Yeah, anyway.
So that McDonald's, they got that free Wi-Fi, so I'm surfing around etc, and I come across this website called "Crowd Cow.
" Crowd Cow.
Isn't that the capital of Poland? No.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Anyways, so it's a website, right? It helps independent ranchers sell their cows directly to the customer.
- I don't - There's no middle man.
- That means more money for us, right? - Ah.
It's like slipping ten bucks to the guy driving the Bud truck, he tells his boss a case fell off the back, I wake up in a ditch and everybody happy.
Ditches are Earth's hammocks.
I've said that.
Look, if this was such a great idea, why isn't every rancher doing this? I'm sure they said that about the guy who invented the helmet with the two beers going in and the crazy straw.
The other night, I'm feeding Peyton with the bottle, and I take down two beers at the same time.
So, you know, excuse me if I ain't afraid of being an innovator.
Okay, so you're saying this is the ranching equivalent to the beer helmet? Buddy, I'm in.
Okay.
Now, all we gotta do is make up a little profile here.
- That's where you come in.
- Okay.
All right? You gotta post up some pictures of the cows, of us looking cool as shit, and then write something about what makes us so special.
Oh, and by the way, this is what makes us so special.
You're more than that, Colt.
What makes you special is your brain.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, I can make us a kick-ass profile.
When I got divorced, I I joined some online dating websites.
Oh, it's easy.
I know exactly what works.
We just have to put a sweet potato in the cows' underpants.
I've done that.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Ya got there? - Oh, shit! - What? It's Heather.
Cops are at their place.
They're evicting them.
Evict What the hell? Why? That wasn't the first payment she missed.
I gotta go down there.
Whoa! You're leaving now? Yeah.
They need my help.
Yeah, okay, well, so do I.
We'll finish this up and then you go there.
I gotta go over there! Okay? You can do this.
Okay, yeah.
You know what? Fine.
Thank you.
I guess I'll just do it myself.
You got this.
Remember: You're special.
[DOOR KNOCKS.]
Hey.
You all right? Yeah, I'm great! You live in a place for 20 years, then, suddenly, you get 12 hours to move out.
It's like the worst HGTV show ever.
Come on, Wilkerson, don't you have better things to do? I saw your girlfriend is having a yard sale.
It's just her in the yard.
I don't wanna be doing this.
So why not cut her a break, go get some dinner and lose the paperwork? 'Cause they'll just send someone else, who'll kick you guys out and put a padlock on the door.
I'm giving you a chance to get your stuff out.
Yeah, it's not his fault.
- Thank you.
- Oh, fuck you, Wilkerson! Wanna help put things in boxes? I got a friend coming with a U-Haul.
Sure, this Tupperware of baby carrots, that staying or going? No.
Those are mine.
I lost 15 pounds.
Thanks for noticing.
Your ass found them.
Hey, if you and your sister need a place to stay, I can put you up at the hunting cabin.
Thanks, but I'm gonna go stay at Nikki's.
Darlene's taking her kids to her boyfriend's.
He parks his RV at McDonald's, so the kids can use the play place whenever they want.
You know, there's a guy at that McDonald's who's got a super-cool hook hand.
Yeah.
It's Darlene's boyfriend.
Oh.
Any word on your mom? Um not since last night.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
How about you? Why don't you hop on your Fisher-Price radio and call up a full-size cop? Hey, I can make a few calls, but unless a crime's been committed, I can't put out an official APB.
She took my car.
My name's on the title.
Heather, that's grand theft auto.
Yeah, if she gets arrested for that, she's looking at serious jail time.
It's better than finding her dead.
Are you sure? I've sent family members to jail, and Christmas has never been the same.
Call it in.
Okay.
Dad? [BEAU.]
Hey.
It's two in the morning.
What you doin' up? Oh, shit! Are the Broncos playing in London again? I mean, man, you know, fuck England! Where they get off naming that big, ole clock after Ben Roethlisberger? You okay? Joanne got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
Fuck.
You're kidding, right? She hasn't told anybody, so keep this between you and me.
[COLT.]
Yeah, of course.
[COLT GROANS.]
That's crazy.
She seemed fine.
Yeah.
She'd been having some issues with her memory.
I didn't know anything about it.
She's been going through this all alone.
Where is she? She went to live with her daughter, in Phoenix.
Phoenix? She ought to be with you.
You're a grumpy, miserable man, but when you're with Joanne, you're just grumpy.
Not my decision.
[COLT.]
So, what? You just ain't never gonna see her again? I don't know.
I mean if she stayed, dunno what the hell I could do for her.
When Rooster died, there was a funeral plan to make sure you and your mother were okay.
But now I don't know.
There's gotta be something you can do.
Even if it's just being there for her.
Yeah.
She is the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met.
I want to tell her it's gonna be okay, but it She knows it's not.
We both know it's never gonna be "okay" again.
Fucking fish's cycle.
Hey.
Hey! Uh-oh! [BABY VOICE.]
Look at his face! He's thinking really hard and that hurts Daddy.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
What's going on? Another letter to L'Oreal? You know they're never gonna bring back just-outta-bed hair texturizer.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just working on that stupid Crowd Cow thing I told you about.
- [ABBY.]
Hmm.
- By the way, fuck L'Oreal.
There's a new sheriff in town.
His name's Paul Mitchell.
I thought you were excited about making a bunch of money.
Yeah, I was.
I worked on the ranch all day, and I get back, I gotta do this stupid profile, 'cause Luke bailed on me.
Again.
- [ABBY.]
Hmm.
- They want a story about me, the herd, the history of the ranch.
I'm a rancher, Ab.
I'm not Ernest Goes to Camp.
I think you meant Hemingway.
I dunno what the name of the camp was, Ab.
I just know I can't do this.
[SIGHS.]
The last chance to save the ranch and I'm shitting the bed.
Okay.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Listen, let me take a look at it.
Here.
- Come here, sweetie.
- All right.
Let's see it.
- [PEYTON GURGLES.]
- [COLT.]
All right.
[ABBY SIGHS.]
- Yeah, Daddy shit the bed.
- [COLT SIGHS.]
I told you I suck at it.
The only reason I passed freshman English was I slept with the textbook.
Do you want me to help you? You ain't gotta do that, I'm sure you got stuff to do.
I was just gonna drink wine and grade some papers.
I mean, I could just give everyone a B.
Everyone would be happy, except Melissa Anderson, but she could use the ego hit.
You sure? Yeah.
I mean, I want to.
I love writing, it's fun.
Whoa! Hey! Don't say stuff like that in front of our daughter.
- [PEYTON GRUMBLES.]
- You hear that? We like looking at the pictures, don't we? [KEYS JINGLING.]
Ah.
Good! Tell them this is a mistake.
It's my car, too! I got 300 bucks off when I flashed the salesman.
You aren't even supposed to be in here.
So make it quick.
When I get outta here, my Nachos BellGrande better be with my stuff, you fat fuck.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [KEYS RATTLE IN LOCK.]
- What the hell, Mary? You steal the money, you just disappear for two days? I didn't steal anything.
I went to the ATM and there was a ton of money in my account.
I figured it was a banking error.
When I found a 20 on the floor at church, I didn't look for the owner.
So you still have the money? Yeah, I have it.
I mean, I did have it.
- [HEATHER.]
Jesus! - I I got a job interview.
I had to get a new dress.
Am I gonna, like, show up in my old Can you just stop fucking lying? You're in jail, Mom! You got us evicted! - Oh, fu Those bastards evicted us? - Yeah.
And you knew about it, 'cause you were the one hiding all the notices.
What else is it gonna take for you to finally admit you have a problem? I've been putting up with your shit for so long! I'm finally over it! Come on.
Sweetie, I can fix this! Remember the Christmas we had no money for presents? I rigged that McDonald's Monopoly game, and got us a CD.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just save it.
We came here to tell you we're not bailing you out.
What are you talking about? We're worried what you'd do if you got outta here, so we think the safest thing's for you to stay in jail.
You fucking kidding me? Do You're an addict.
You need to get clean, Mom.
Jesus Christ! An addict? Okay, you know what? If it makes you feel better, I will go to rehab, or meetings, or whatever.
Okay? Just get me the hell outta here! Well, the thing is we don't believe you anymore.
Oh, come on! Come on! You know I'm a good person.
You know how hard I've been trying.
I just Come on! Look, I just fucked up.
We wouldn't do this if we didn't love you.
[MARY.]
Love me? [LAUGHS.]
Love me.
Fuck you.
Fuck you! Fuck you both! Jesus So, why would you say you got into ranching? Well, I failed at football.
They canceled American Gladiators.
So, here we are.
Oh, shit! Pick six! [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.]
You even suck in video games, Aaron Rodgers.
Oh, yeah! Man, this is awesome.
Just you and me, working on a project together.
It's like being back at high school again.
And just like high school, I'm doing all the work and you're playing Xbox.
[COLT.]
Cool! Am I playing or am I dominating? You're playing.
- [KEYBOARD CLICKS.]
- [PEYTON CRYING.]
- [ABBY CLEARS THROAT.]
- Baby's crying.
- [KEYBOARD STOPS CLICKING.]
- [CRYING CONTINUES.]
Yeah, I know.
You gonna go check on her? Babe, I'm playing a live game here.
If I pause it, I automatically lose.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Yeah, and I'm saving the family ranch! Yeah, and you can pause that.
- [CRYING STOPS.]
- Wow.
There you go.
She stopped crying.
See, I solved it.
Okay.
Now, would you say your ranching innovations are more - um brilliant or ingenious? - [CHUCKLES SMUGLY.]
Okay, babe.
I don't wanna embarrass you but I'm pretty sure the word is "genius.
" Special.
Right.
I'm just gonna go with "brilliant.
" Okay.
Well, if you wanna check out the Bennett Brother Ranch profile, I'm pretty sure I fucking dominated.
[COLT.]
Babe, I'm just Babe I'm [GROWLS.]
Urgh.
Okay.
Whoa! - This is awesome! - Hmm.
Man, look at these pict Hold on! When did I volunteer at a soup kitchen? [LAUGHING.]
No, that's photoshopped.
I used a picture of you standing behind a keg.
[COLT.]
Yeah! - Oh, that's great! - [CHUCKLES.]
Wait! What's this? - About "checking the herd " - [AB.]
Yep.
" feeling the morning grass, dew between my toes " You go out there without boots on, you gonna feel something else between your toes.
Hey, Colt, this is what I do, okay? People are gonna love it.
Trust me.
I don't criticize the way you play Madden.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, you do, like, all the time.
That's true, but it's 'cause you suck at it.
All right.
You know what? This is what you do, so I just wanna say thank you.
Would you like to say something nice about me playing Madden? I'd love to.
When you stop sucking at it, I'll tell you.
[COLT.]
Oooh! Right.
Well, if you're ready, I can put your profile online.
- What? Already? - Yeah.
- Jesus! - [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Now I'm nervous.
This is gotta pay off.
It's a big moment, right? It's like when you're holding a quarter with a scratch-off.
"Come on, Blackbeard! Show me the sunken treasure!" - [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- Hoo! All right, done.
Now, we just wait and see if we sell some cow.
[COLT.]
All right.
[SIGHS.]
We sell any yet? It's been three seconds.
Okay.
You're right.
I'm just kidding.
- Refresh it.
Let's - Yeah, okay.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to the picture of the cow with the potato? What are you doing here? Are you kidding? I love Arizona.
Gave us Goldwater.
And McCain.
Only bad thing is it's right next to California.
That's where they outta build a fucking wall.
I can't believe you drove all the way down here.
I can't believe your Ford made it all the way down here.
Where'd the tow truck drop you off? I'm gonna chalk that up to your condition.
I'm never gonna forget how shitty Fords are.
[BEAU LAUGHS.]
What are you doing here? If this is where you wanna be, it's where I'll be, too.
Beau, you're not moving to Arizona.
You can send me away, if you want.
But I'll be back tomorrow.
You can send me away tomorrow, and I'll just be back the next day.
I'm not going anywhere, Joanne.
Well, that's very sweet, but I'm not gonna let you take care of me.
I know how you feel about male nurses and you don't wanna be one.
If you have to put the word "male" in front of your profession, you know there's something wrong.
I told you, I don't want you to watch me decline.
I don't want you to remember me that way.
It's not about remembering you, it's about being with you.
You were gone one night and I couldn't stand it.
I had to talk to Colt.
Jesus! I'm sorry.
I got something for you.
It's a photo album.
I can see that.
But you forgot to put any photos in it.
I thought I was the one with Alzheimer's.
[BEAU CHUCKLES.]
We're gonna spend the next few years filling it up.
That way, if you have trouble remembering something, we can look at 'em together.
I love you, Joanne.
And I want to be with you whether we're married or not, whether you're sick or well, whether we live in Arizona or Colorado.
Preferably Colorado.
You asshole, you're gonna make me cry.
Let's take the first picture right now.
Oh, good! We can take a selfie.
Selfie? Oh, boy.
You're already making up words.
[COLT.]
Hey.
- Peyton's down.
Again.
- Mm-hm.
Every time I read Goldilocks and the Three Bears, I can't help but hear my dad saying, [DEEP VOICE.]
"You know, those bears woulda had every right to shoot her.
" [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
I heard him tell her the other day that the three little pigs should've just hired a licensed and bonded contractor.
- Oh, my God! - Err, I can explain.
Luke borrowed my computer.
No.
We just sold some of our cow.
- [COLT.]
You serious? - Yeah! Someone just ordered three filet bundles.
- Oh, my - Fuck yeah! Yeah.
- Holy shit! - [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God! This is actually gonna work.
The idea I had actually wasn't shitty! - No.
- This This makes all that time volunteering at the soup kitchen worth it.
This was such a good idea.
I'm so happy for you.
For me? You kidding me? This is for us.
I couldn't have done any of this without you.
So, thank you.
[POLICE SIREN.]
Hey, Hank.
What are you in for? Littering while intoxicated.
[MARY.]
Hm.
Okay.
Sign here and you can go.
Hey.
Thanks for bailing me out.
No problem.
Glad you called me.
He's a dangerous man He moves through the shadows Like a ghost in the rain He's a stranger to tears He smiles at the fear Embraces the pain He's a dangerous man