The Ranch (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

Love and War

1 Hu Whoa! Please tell me you're awake.
- I'm awake.
- Oh, my God! - [ABBY LAUGHS.]
- [COLT.]
So, err - last night was - Fun.
Last night - [COLT.]
Yeah! - was fun.
- [COLT.]
It was fun, wasn't it? - [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Until you screamed and threw me on the floor.
Uh! Your hair hit my shoulder.
I thought it was a spider.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! [HIGH VOICE.]
Where's the spider? No! I'm late for work! Shit! I can't believe I stayed up that late on a school night.
I didn't even prepare my lesson plan.
Fuck it! The kids can just watch Forrest Gump again.
- [SIGHS.]
- Yeah.
Sorry, that was my fault.
That Shania song came on, I did the dance, and then it was game over.
Yeah, it was a surprisingly erotic rendition of "Man, I Feel Like a Woman.
" Let's go, girls - Ba ba ba nanaaa - No, stop! Stop.
I'm not gonna even have time to make my lunch.
I'll have to eat in the cafeteria.
Stupid vegan menu today.
Thanks a lot, Michelle Obama.
- Holy shit! - What? We sold a third of our cow on Crowd Cow last night.
Look at that.
We only got half to go.
I reckon you and Forrest Gump would've been in the same math class.
This is awesome.
We're selling cows in our sleep.
This is like the time I took NyQuil before a football game.
When they woke me up, they told me I threw three touchdowns.
I tried it again, I just ran over the mascot with the injury cart.
They are not fuckin' around when they say, "Don't operate heavy equipment.
" I really gotta go.
- [ABBY.]
- Call you later? Yeah.
All right.
Hey, err You know if you want to, you can take a little video to remember me by.
- Ba ba ba da daaaa - Stop! [ABBY HUFFS.]
You ain't gonna stop me from feeling like a woman.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Wow, Heather, look! It's "bring your kid to work day.
" Hello, young man.
Can we speak to your father? Kids don't have mustaches.
Use your eyes next time.
What do you guys want? Err For your mom to stop calling me.
Well, maybe your mom should stop calling me.
She's dead.
I am so sorry.
Look, we just need to talk to my mom.
She got bailed out yesterday.
- What? - By who? All it says here is a bail bond service.
That's just great.
So that means she can be anywhere.
I mean, the one time I want my mom to be in jail, and she's not.
All right, let's not panic.
She's gotta see us at some point.
We got all her stuff.
If she doesn't agree to get help, I'm not giving her anything back.
And that includes the shirt from when she got onstage with Garth Brooks.
It still has little burn holes in it from when she got Tased.
Oh Hey, Hank.
Are you guys going back to Garrison? You need a ride home? Thanks.
Can we stop at the bar first? People are probably worried about me.
All right.
To the bar.
There she is! How are you? I have Alzheimer's, Colt.
- I'm not deaf.
- Ahh.
Look at that.
You're not deaf.
Look who's looking at the bright side.
Jesus Christ.
I hope you're the first person I forget.
I wouldn't mind being deaf.
I wouldn't have to hear that guy at the Home Depot ask if I needed any help.
If it's between me and a 40-year-old man in an orange apron, who do you think needs the help? - [ABBY.]
Hey! - [BEAU.]
Hey, Abby.
- Hey, Peapod! Oh Hey, did you put a picture of Aaron Rodgers in Peyton's diaper this morning? Yes, I did.
And tomorrow it's gonna be Tom Brady.
"Eat shit, cheater.
" Want to stick around for dinner? - Dinner? Um - [COLT.]
I'm throwing on some steaks.
We can go medium, medium rare, still shitting in the field.
I would, but I already have a school thing and I'd explain it, but then I'd have to talk about homework and books [IMPERSONATES AN EMERGENCY ALERT.]
Nerd alert! Right, Dad? Woop! Woop! Shut the fuck up.
Right, Abby? [LAUGHING.]
Ye-ah! What?! How about tomorrow? We got Thursday Night Football on.
Maybe if you're here, Colt won't turn down the volume and pretend to announce the game.
I'm sick of hearing how that punt return was "totally awesome.
" It was totally awesome.
Come on.
We'll put some Saran Wrap on the TV and use it as a Telestrator.
I need you to be here.
I'll watch the game with you guys.
All right, great.
Hey, guess what the halftime show is.
Shania Twain.
Guys, I think we got a big problem.
Stream's dried up.
The stream's dried up.
Are you drunk? No, it's gone.
And I'm completely sober.
I mean, I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer but I could drive.
That stream never stopped running even in the worst droughts.
Listen, I was riding fence, and I got up to the edge of the riverbank, and there's just a trickle, and mud, and rocks.
- How does a creek go dry? - [ABBY.]
Tuh! Global warmin'.
This is no time for jokes, Abby.
- [COLT.]
This is impossible! I was just down here a couple weeks ago pumping water.
I had to fill up my tanks.
Did you leave your pump on? [MOCKING.]
I left the pump on and sucked all the water out.
Stop asking stupid questions.
You think it was the aliens, Daddy? If they were looking for intelligent life, I don't think they'd come here.
This takes me back to when we worked together.
You'd break into the houses, I'd come by the next day [LAUGHS.]
and sell them an alarm system.
Come on.
Get your shit and let's go before someone figures out we're up in here.
That Mrs.
Wilson next door has it in for me.
I blocked her driveway one time.
Because she can't take a fucking taxi to dialysis? Ha ha! They're still here.
You kept a bag of Oxy where the kids could find it? Listen, father of the year, your kids couldn't pick you out of a police lineup, and I know that 'cause they had to do it once.
Always have your phone on silent during a break-in, babe.
It's Heather again.
She keeps bothering me to come pick up my stuff.
What does she think? I'm just gonna meet up with them and everything's fine? They fucking framed me and then left me in jail.
Fuck them.
You know if you show up there, they're gonna try and pull some more bullshit, so fuck 'em.
- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.
What are you doin'? [STUTTERING.]
It's the girls' height chart.
So? Yeah.
Let's get outta here.
What's that? Holy shit! That's commemorative beer from when the Broncos won the 1998 Super Bowl.
Oh, that's cool! Yeah, the Lions almost made it that year.
And by "almost," I mean they shit the bed so bad that Barry Sanders had to retire in shame.
It's flat.
Still beer.
How's things with Mary? [LUKE.]
You really care? [COLT.]
Just 'cause I don't like her, it don't mean I don't care about you, 'cause I do stupid shit all the time.
Like drinking this old beer.
I think it's making me sick.
There's something chewy in it.
Still beer.
You may as well finish it.
It's the closest you're ever gonna get to the Super Bowl.
Well, Mary is all messed up.
Heather and I are trying to figure out how to make her go to rehab.
You can't make her do anything.
It's like when I tried to get you to go to those meetings for your PTSD.
That worked.
I was gonna go, but, you know, it was cutting into my special Uncle Beau time.
The point is, you're gonna go when you're ready.
No one gets help till they see they have a problem.
Joanne's daughter was getting high and missing her kid's kindergarten graduation.
For some people, it's drinking a 20-year-old beer they found buried in the mud.
What the fuck? [LUKE.]
Well, I know I'm the new guy, but I think this giant dam is what's stopping your water.
Jesus Christ.
How far do you think we walked, Dad? I'd say we're on the old Stockwell Ranch.
This is Neumann's Hill property now.
Fucking Lisa Neumann.
She did this.
Look at this craftsmanship.
I know it's not the right time but if you ever need a dam, you should hire whoever built this thing.
This water feeds our whole operation.
Our cows drink from it, we use it to irrigate.
Without it, we're done in a week.
Don't worry.
Lisa's coming by the ranch in the morning.
She's taking this fucking thing down.
Fuck this shit! [LUKE.]
Sorry about this, man, but we'll make it right.
Oh, hey, and when you talk to Lisa, find out who built this.
I mean, the structural integrity is off the charts.
This could hold back the Atlantic Ocea Stop complimenting the fucking dam! Joanne? [JOANNE.]
Hey, Dale.
If you're looking for Beau, he's out in the field.
In fact, if he knew you were coming, that might be why he's out in the field.
Actually, I came by to see you.
Charlene baked you an apple pie.
I had to take a little slice to make sure it wasn't poisoned.
So she baked me a pie.
Dammit! Beau told you, didn't he? You two gossip more than Dawn Hammond down at the nail salon.
If you have to start a story with "I shouldn't be saying this," you shouldn't be fucking saying it.
We're not gossips.
But speaking of Dawn, did you know she got one of those CoolSculpting deals where they freeze the fat, you know? She literally froze her ass off.
I knew she had some work done.
Diet and exercise? Please! Fuck you, Dawn! [DALE LAUGHS.]
But Dale, now that Beau has told you, don't tell anybody else, okay? [SIGHS.]
You know about a year ago, Charlene was diagnosed with Parkinson's.
Oh, Jesus, Dale.
I'm so sorry.
Why didn't you tell us? Charlene didn't want people feeling sorry for her.
Well, I get that.
I don't want everyone asking me how I'm doing all the time.
I just wanna forget about it.
The good news is you're going to.
Yeah, Charlene's condition made us realize we've got to savor every moment.
We go out dancing, try new restaurants.
In the past year, we've traveled more than we traveled all the years we were married.
You almost make it sound like it's a good thing.
In a way, it has been.
Like I always say, you get busy living or get busy dying.
Do you always say that? Or was it Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption? Well, I was hoping that was something that, err you'd already forgot.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you making worse? The brakes on the stroller are shot.
The other day, at Walmart, I reached up to get some beer, I look down and Peyton is like a runaway freight train down the aisle.
That greeter didn't stand a chance.
It was her first open-field tackle, though.
I teared up a bit.
We never had a stroller when you and Rooster were young.
Just a lawn chair in the back of a wheelbarrow.
At the end of the day, I just dumped you right in the bathtub, which was just a water trough for the horse.
You ever buy us anything? - Tetanus shots.
- Yeah.
All right.
Let's see.
Whoa! Fixed it.
Hey, do me a favor.
Don't tell Abby about me almost killing Peyton, okay? Things are going well for us for once.
Is that right? [COLT.]
We're spending a little more time together.
In fact tonight, maybe you can make yourself a little scarce, so things can get romantic.
Oh, no! Who will announce the game for me? Yeah.
No, I'm sorry.
It's too important.
I actually think me and Abby could get back together.
Hey, you remember how you always wanted to kill me when I sang and danced to that Shania Twain video? That thing almost saved my marriage.
- Ba ba ba - Stop! [CAR APPROACHES.]
Here's Lisa Neumann.
It's fucking go time.
Let me handle this.
Why? It's my ranch.
You only seem to do two things to women.
You either piss them off or get them pregnant.
Morning, gentlemen.
Why the fuck would you put a dam in to cut off my water supply? You had your chance.
You blew it with "Lisa.
" I knew this was coming.
We're using the Stockwell Ranch to grow grass, alfalfa.
It's gonna support all the Neumann's Hill ranches in the area.
And to do that, I need more water.
So, I'm putting in an irrigation pond.
Colt's ranch depends on that stream.
That thing's gonna be dry in a week.
How am I gonna keep my cows alive? [STUTTERS.]
Is it gonna be Bennett Brother Beef, grass-fed and Gatorade-finished? There are other ways to get water.
You could drill a well.
Oh! Yeah! A well, Daddy.
What's that gonna be, like, ten, twenty grand? Let me just pull that money outta my ass.
Gee! Lookee there! I ain't got no money in my ass, Lisa! Tear down that dam! I bought the Stockwell Ranch because its water rights have priority over any other ranch in the county.
I had my lawyers check on that.
Yeah? Well, my lawyers said that your lawyers can go fuck themselves.
You don't do this to another rancher, Lisa.
You also don't steal another rancher's bull.
I didn't steal your fucking bull.
- Is that what this is about? - No.
The fact is, I need that water.
Without it, I can't grow grass, and without feed, my cows will die.
You're trying to drive me outta business 'cause you want my ranch.
Colt you're failing just fine without my help.
You think 'cause you got money and lawyers, you can just do whatever the hell you want.
You are fucking with the wrong guy.
Sorry he's upset but you have to understand I'll tell you what I understand.
When we met, you said we're both ranchers, that we were a lot alike.
That couldn't have been further from the truth.
Hey, Hank.
There they are! The beautiful bride and the happy groom.
What? We're not married.
Well, whose wedding was I just at? Hey, Hank.
Mary, did you get married today? I don't think so.
I gotta get that blender back.
So where's my stuff? Can you just sit down, so we can talk for a minute? No, we got nothing to talk about.
I just came to pick up my shit.
Can you at least tell us where you've been? Where you been staying, Mom? Well, as you know, I had a cozy corner cell at the jail house, but I checked out 'cause I prefer a place where they let me keep my shoelaces.
So, are you gonna give me my things, or is this a trap? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Look, no one here is trying to force you to do anything.
It's your life.
But You know, what you're doing, you You lost your job, you lost your home, you lost your family.
I mean, Mary, where do you think this ends? What are we doing? You left me in jail.
Okay? We are way past the point where you pretend you give a shit.
You think this is what pretending looks like? We're worried about what's gonna happen to you.
Okay, well, I'll be fine.
Don't worry about me.
Don't worry about you? You're my mom.
I don't [SIGHS.]
I don't wanna see you die.
Can I please just get my things? Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Luke, please, just Fine.
Let's go.
Hey! I heard you out there cussin'.
Which is it? Colt, cows, or Lisa Neumann? Yes.
What you doing? Well Got the pictures back from Arizona.
There was one of you smiling but I didn't put it in 'cause it's just fucking weird.
Yeah, well, you tricked me.
Instead of saying "cheese," you said "John Elway.
" I had a nice talk with Dale yesterday.
Really? You remember who Dale is, right? He said that I should stay in the present.
Enjoy every moment, which is why you gave me that album.
And here's my favorite picture.
It's the sign that says, "You are now leaving Arizona.
" Did you know that you always turn on your blinker about half a mile before you make a turn? I've also never been rear-ended.
And that every time they play the national anthem at a football game, you tear up? If you're not moved by the fact that our flag was still there, you're a goddamn communist.
I can't believe that I ever considered not spending the rest of my life with you.
You are the most loyal, honorable, and sweetest man I have ever met.
Or I'll smile again.
What are you doing? Beau Bennett will you marry me? Are you serious? Course I will.
They must be playing the national anthem somewhere.
I love you, Joanne.
I love you, Beau.
Know the best part about all this? Colt is now half yours.
Hey! She's out.
She's always falling asleep in the car with a bottle in her mouth.
She gets that from her daddy.
At least she isn't driving.
I don't wanna ruin the surprise - [ABBY.]
Ooo! - but I'll give you a hint - about what's for dinner.
- Oh.
It's not delivery.
It's It's DiGiorno.
Where's your dad? Ah.
Well, him and Joanne went out for dinner.
So, you know, it's gonna be you me, a sleeping baby, and a Saran-Wrapped TV.
At halftime, I'm gonna write "I love Abby" on the field.
So, it's just you and me.
- And the Saran Wrap.
- Right.
And the Saran Wrap's naughty cousin, aluminum foil.
- I'm sorry, that's just weird.
I'm just, like, happy to see you.
- Err - Err Err What's the matter? You okay? Yeah.
No, it Yep, everything's fine.
It's just Oh shit.
I didn't wanna talk about this tonight, but okay.
Um The other night was a mistake.
It wasn't.
It was great.
- You said so yourself.
- Yeah, it It was, but I'm not ready to just jump into the way we were.
All right.
Okay When you gonna be ready? This What, like, a month? A year? Hell, you got food poisoning at Long John Silver's, we ain't never been back.
I don't know.
"I don't know.
" That's great.
That's Baby, that's so helpful.
What do you want me to do, huh? [VOICE CRACKS.]
I'm trying.
No, I'm trying! And all you're doing is saying that don't mean anything.
- Oh.
It's on me? - [SIGHING.]
No! What do you want me to do? Forgive you on your schedule? Huh? I'm not the one that lied.
How How am I supposed to prove - that I'm not gonna do something? - [PEYTON SCREAMS.]
I could tell you I'm not gonna lie again, but, hell, that could just be another lie.
So, the only way I can prove it is if you give me another chance.
- I'm just not ready! Okay? - [PEYTON CRIES.]
I'm not ready! I can't snap my fingers and fix everything.
Yes, you can! The only reason we're not a family is 'cause of you! So, this is my fault? Really? Fuck you! - [PEYTON CRYING.]
- Oh That Uh huh.
I didn't mean - Uh-huh.
Some day when You've reached the end When we meet In the desert wind
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